cut out strategies that don’t work
Your self-confidence grows when you stop using strategies that don’t work and take effective action. Perfectionism, control, pleasing others, and worry work against you. You won’t feel good enough when you can’t live up to unreasonable standards. You will feel overwhelmed by pressure when you demand complete control. You will miss out on getting your needs met because you are too busy pleasing others. And you won’t achieve your goals because you’re so busy worrying, you can’t address the problem. When you learn to replace the strategies that don’t work with more effective action options, you will grow your self-confidence.
Nicole
Nicole wakes up and immediately stresses over what to wear. She believes that if she doesn’t pick the perfect outfit, she won’t fit in with her friends. She obsesses over whether to wear her hair down or put it up, thinking it is a determining factor in how people view her. When she arrived at school this morning, her friend asked what she thought of the concert last night. Nicole froze up, thinking she had to give the right answer. Meanwhile, her friend wondered why Nicole was being so standoffish and unfriendly.
When faced with a difficult situation, which ineffective strategies do you use? Check all that apply:
- __________________Seeking Perfectionism: You hold yourself to an ideal standard. Everything must be just right. You set goals that can’t be realistically defined or achieved.
- __________________Controlling: You want total control and have to be in charge of everyone and everything. You insist on doing things your way and getting what you want. You wish you could be in more than one place at a time.
- __________________Pleasing: You are concerned with pleasing others. You often lose sight of your own needs in the process of making others happy. You have a hard time saying no.
- __________________Worrying: You worry about things that have already happened and things that might happen. You have nagging thoughts that focus on “what if” and dwell on the worst that could happen.
When was the last time you didn’t achieve a goal because you sought perfection, took complete control, pleased others, or worried?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Was that strategy a good choice? Why or why not?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
How did this strategy affect your self-confidence?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
You can change up your strategies and apply more effective action while at the same time accepting that you’re going to fall short in some way, at some point. This is not because you’re not good enough; it’s because you are human, with a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. Accept that it is impossible to get everything exactly right all the time. If you let go of perfection, your work will not become second rate; you won’t settle, slack off, or become lazy, and people will not see you as selfish. There are more effective strategies than perfectionism, and the following is a list of effective action options to use when perfectionism is getting in your way. Mark which actions you do already and which ones you would try.
| Effective Action Option |
Do Already |
Would Try |
|
Develop Realistic Standards: Accept that in many situations, good enough is really good enough.
|
|
|
|
Make a Choice: Use the information you have to make a reasonable decision and accept that there is no perfect decision.
|
|
|
|
Yield: Take control some of the time, but not all of the time.
|
|
|
|
Take a Team Approach: Let others participate and share the responsibility.
|
|
|
|
Give Up the Need to Always Please Others: Make your needs and feelings part of the equation.
|
|
|
|
Be Logical: Don’t take care of others at the expense of your own well-being.
|
|
|
|
Turn Off Your Worry: Focus on the facts and know that worry doesn’t keep you safe, change the outcome, or help you solve the problem.
|
|
|
|
Stay in the Present: Think in terms of “for now” and not “forever.”
|
|
|
Think about a situation in which you chose an ineffective strategy.
Describe the situation: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
Which ineffective strategy did you use?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
What impact did that strategy have on your self-confidence?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Which alternative strategies from the list could you use next time?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
How might the new effective action option affect your self-confidence?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Bottom Line: Turn off perfectionism, the need for control, the need to please others, and useless worry.