Anger comes from the demands you place on yourself and others that are unmet. The real upset comes from the meanings you derive when your expectations are not met. When that happens, you wonder what it means to you and what it means about you or the other person. These meanings create unpleasant feelings, such as hurt, sadness, anxiety, and fear. A helpful way to diminish unnecessary upset is to learn to identify and question the meanings you impose on unmet demands.
Frank
Frank thought he should be able to go to a concert with his friends on Thursday night. But his parents told him that he couldn’t go and he feels angry. He thinks they are saying no because they don’t trust him and assume he will be pressured into doing something dangerous and illegal. This makes him sad because he has never done anything to warrant that. He fears his parents will never let him do the things other kids get to do.
Think back to times your demanding ”should” statements didn’t happen and see if you can identify what each meant to you, or about you.
| Demanding “Should” Statement | Meaning | Emotions |
|---|---|---|
|
Example: My friend should not have just stopped texting me back. |
She is blowing me off because she doesn’t care about me. |
I feel hurt and sad. |
Use your questioning skills to evaluate the accuracy of a meaning you gave an unmet expectation. Remember to consider all the possible explanations, look for the facts, see the big picture, and come up with alternative explanations. See if your new view affects how you feel.
Demanding “Should” Statement: My friend should not have just stopped texting me back.
Meaning: She is blowing me off because she doesn’t care about me.
Emotions: I feel hurt and sad.
Alternative Viewpoint: The fact is that she has been a good friend to me for a long time. She usually answers my texts and tells me when she has to do something else. It’s not typical of her to just stop texting, maybe something else is up. I guess she might have lost service, or her phone died, or she is somewhere where she can’t use her phone. She probably wasn’t blowing me off. I can’t let this mean more than it does.
New Emotions: I feel more neutral about it and less hurt.
Demanding “Should” Statement: __________________
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Meaning: __________________
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Emotions: __________________
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New Emotions: __________________
Demanding “Should” Statement: __________________
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Meaning: __________________
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Emotions: __________________
Alternative Viewpoint: __________________
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New Emotions: __________________
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Meaning: __________________
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Emotions: __________________
Alternative Viewpoint: __________________
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The Bottom Line: Don’t jump to conclusions just because your expectations weren’t met.