relax the parent pressure
You might feel pressure coming from your parents; this pressure can be unintentional, created from your own imagination, or real.
Unintentional pressure often comes from parental concern. To ease their worry, parents ask endless questions and check in on every sphere of your life. It’s also possible that they just want to feel connected and are simply asking about your day.
Imaginary pressure is when you think you can read your parents’ minds; you imagine that your parents think you should be trying harder, doing better, or doing more.
Real pressure is when your parents place demands on your performance. They say demanding should statements, such as “You should be studying,” “You should start thinking about college,” and “You should have gotten a better grade.”
Whether the pressure is unintentional, imagined, or real, you can learn to take charge and not let parent pressure get the best of you.
Cole and Carson
Cole’s parents constantly ask him how he is doing in school, how he did on his latest exam, and how he performed on the field. Cole feels pressure to do well and thinks his parents expect him to always do better, or else they wouldn’t keep asking. Cole’s parents, on the other hand, think he is doing just fine and, in fact, think his achievements are pretty awesome. They keep asking because they want to feel connected to his life. The pressure from Cole’s parents is unintentional and mostly in Cole’s imagination.
Carson also thinks her parents put a lot of pressure on her to do well in school and on the field. When she gets home from practice, her mom is like a helicopter circling around her, telling her what to eat, nagging her to get right to work on class assignments, and staying on her to make sure Carson puts in extra time and effort. Her mother checks the parent portal for class updates and grades, and she talks about little else. Carson’s dad focuses on her field hockey performance and spends a lot of time talking to coaches, maneuvering to pave the way for Carson to gain a spot on a college team. The pressure Carson feels is real.
The pressure both Cole and Carson feel leads them to doubt themselves and wonder if they will ever live up to their parents’ expectations.
Almost all parents place expectations on their kids, wanting them to succeed and be happy. Excessive pressure is the problem. Do you think your parents place unreasonable pressure on you? This chart will help you uncover how you think your parents pressure you and examine if the pressures are imagined, unintentional, or real. Use it to write down what your parents expect from you and record how you know this. Then ask yourself is the pressure unintentional, imaginary, or real.
| Activity |
Parents’ Expectations |
What Led You to Believe This |
Unintentional, Imagined, Real, or Don’t Know |
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School
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Sports, music, arts
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Extracurricular activities
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Volunteering, work, job
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Social life
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Chores
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Other:
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Now think about how these unintentional, imagined, or real parent pressures affect you. Do they affect how you think about yourself, feel, and choose to behave? Record the impact in the exercise that follows, using the example provided as a guide.
Example:
Every day, Tony gets home from school already stressed out because of the amount of homework he has ahead of him. He heads to football practice and at seven o’clock, he finally sits down to dinner. Rather than relaxing, he finds himself tensing up even more.
The pressure Tony feels from his parents leads him to…
Think: Here we go. They’re going to ask about my day. It’s the daily parent inquisition. If I tell them I don’t think I did well in math, then they’ll ask me a million questions about it and make it seem like I didn’t study enough, read the instructions carefully enough, or go to my teacher for extra help.
Feel: Annoyed and irritated.
Behave: Give one-word answers and eat as fast as I can so I can go to my room.
Did his parents’ expectations lead him to conclude something about himself?
Doubt Label: I fall short.
The pressure you feel from your parents leads you to . . .
Think: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Feel: __________________
Behave: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
Do your parents’ expectations lead you to conclude something about yourself?
Doubt Label:
__________________ __________________ __________________
Regardless of the unintentional, imagined, or real pressure your parents place on you, what matters are the reasonable goals and expectations you set for yourself. Ask yourself what you want to gain from your activities. Then write down the reasonable expectations you can put on yourself and then see if they match your parents’ expectations.
| Activity |
Your Realistic Expectations for Yourself |
Do Your Expectations Match Your Parents’ Expectations? |
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School
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
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Sports, music, art
|
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
|
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Extracurricular activities
|
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
|
| Activity |
Your Realistic Expectations for Yourself |
Do Your Expectations Match Your Parents’ Expectations? |
|
Volunteering, work, job
|
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
|
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Social life
|
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
|
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Chores
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
|
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Other
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Circle one answer:
YES
NO
SOMEWHAT
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Now think about how setting realistic goals and expectations for yourself can affect how you view a given situation. Does it affect how you think about yourself, feel, and choose to behave? Record a situation—either one that didn’t go as you’d have liked or one where the outcome was unknown—and then note the effect parent pressure had on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. See if any doubt label was activated.
Example
Situation: I took a math test and thought I did pretty well.
My own realistic expectations lead me to…
Think: I did well in math for me. Math is not my best subject. I’m happy that I completed all the problems and knew how to solve a decent amount of them, was fairly sure on some of them, and gave my best guess on the rest of them.
Feel: Calm
Behave: I chilled out and moved on.
Do your expectations lead you to conclude something about yourself?
Doubt label or self-confident belief: I’m capable.
Situation: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
My own realistic expectations lead me to…
Think: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Feel: __________________
Behave: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
Do your expectations lead you to conclude something about yourself?
Doubt label or self-confident belief:
__________________ __________________ __________________
What did you learn? Regardless of your parents, you can be in charge of what makes sense for you. Instead of feeling frustrated, angry, upset, or anxious, don’t let the outside pressure take over. Instead, let the reasonable goals you set from within be your guide.
The Bottom Line: Relax the parent pressure by setting your own reasonable goals.