don’t be defiant
Most people don’t want to be told what to do, think, or feel, but for you, as a teen, this might be exceptionally bothersome. The strong feelings that arise include anger, irritation, frustration, or annoyance and are often linked to thoughts of powerlessness or helplessness. These feelings and thoughts can make you believe that you are being manipulated or controlled. In a state of defiance, you might do the opposite of what is being asked of you, or you might become argumentative and unwilling to agree to anything. This deliberate defiance can work against you. Instead of helping you effectively take control of the situation, get what you want, and act in your best interest, oppositional behavior gets you into trouble, takes away your power, and comes with negative consequences you would rather avoid.
Brian
Brian was two weeks into his monthlong senior internship when his supervisor gave feedback that he was not performing as expected. He was coming in late, leaving early, and rarely completing tasks. In addition, his teacher told him that if he missed another history class he would flunk and therefore fail to graduate. Brian didn’t understand why his supervisor and history teacher were making a big deal out of what he thought were unimportant things. He responded by thinking, I should be able to do what I want. The truth was, Brian really wanted to graduate, and pass both history class and the senior project. The last thing he wanted was to repeat either of those experiences. But instead of complying by showing up for class, getting to his internship on time, staying all day, and doing what they asked of him, he refused to cooperate. He wound up in the worst situation possible: forced to redo his internship and attend summer school, he lost the very freedom he desired so much.
Are you defiant? Take this quiz to find out. Circle one answer to indicate whether these statements are true or false.
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True
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False
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You are usually compliant when someone in authority asks something reasonable of you.
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True
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False
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You do the opposite of what is being asked of you, regardless of the consequences.
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True
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False
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Before you agree, or don’t agree, to do what is being asked of you, you think about the consequences.
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True
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False
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You equate yielding to the demands of others with being weak, helpless, or powerless.
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True
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False
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Working within the guidelines of what is expected by authorities gives you power and shows your strength.
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True
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False
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You argue against every viewpoint, even if you actually agree with what has been said.
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True
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False
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You are willing and able to see different viewpoints and acknowledge when someone else is right.
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True
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False
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You are usually oppositional and argue against doing what is asked of you.
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True
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False
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You usually do what is asked of you without argument.
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True
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False
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How many odd-numbered statements were true? __________________
How many even-numbered statements were true? __________________
If you circled “True” for more odd-numbered statements, then you are defiant. Be wary of your tendency to do the opposite of what is asked. Instead, ask yourself what you really want and weigh which choice will get you closer to that. Try being compliant and see what happens.
The next time someone asks you to do something, try actually doing it and see if it pays off. Record your experience here.
Describe what you were asked to do: __________________
___________________________________________________________________
Despite your inclination to resist, just do it.
What was the outcome?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Did complying get you closer to what you wanted in the long run?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
The Bottom Line: The next time something reasonable is asked of you, comply and realize your power.