recognize realistic concern
When a worrisome thought crosses your mind that creates a feeling of anxious distress, the first question to ask yourself is whether the concern is real. Realistic concerns anticipate potential problems or may be warning you that you are not fully equipped to face a difficult situation that’s occurring now. The anxiety you experience is a good thing, because the alarm it sets off inside you prepares you to face the difficult situation in the best way possible. Appropriate actions in the midst of realistic concerns may include thinking through situations, examining your options, and coming up with plans and then acting on them. Self-doubts creep in when you imagine dangers that aren’t really there or are unlikely to happen, or exaggerate consequences. And they stop you from feeling that you can cope effectively. Self-doubts blind you from seeing yourself as a resource and from recognizing the outside help that is available.
Kira
Kira was invited to go on a ski trip with her friend’s family. Her first thought was concern about her ability to keep up with them on the slopes. Kira is not an experienced skier, and she knows the rest of them have been at it their entire lives. Knowing her concern was realistic, Kira shared it with her friend, who confirmed that Kira would be on her own on the green slopes. In a separate situation, Kira was invited to join her friends for an afternoon of go-karts and miniature golf. She had a big paper due and feared she would never get it done if she went. But the truth was that Kira had plenty of time to complete her work and was constantly turning down her friends. It was starting to negatively affect her relationships.
For Kira, self-confidence helped her assertively confront her friend about her realistic concerns about skiing, while self-doubt about her ability to finish her homework inappropriately kept her from seeing her friends.
This quiz can help you learn to tell the difference between realistic concern and self-doubt. In the two examples below, which response is which? And what is the reasonable action?
Someone offers to sell you a fake ID so you can go see your favorite band at the local bar.
- A. You decline the offer, knowing you will probably get turned away at the door, that your ID will be confiscated, and there might be legal consequences for trying to use it.
- B. You take your chances, buy the ID, and go to the concert.
- C. You wish you had the courage to say yes, but decline the offer, thinking you are a wimp.
You and your friends see an opportunity to climb a fence and enjoy a late-night swim at a swimming pool that has closed for the day.
- A. You speak up and say that, although it would be fun, you think it’s a bad idea knowing the trouble you all could get into.
- B. You leap onto the fence without a second thought.
- C. You make a lame excuse, thinking how much of a baby you are.
In both examples, option A conveys realistic concerns. There were real possibilities of danger.
In both examples, option B presents ignorance of realistic threats and put you in harm’s way. It was not a reasonable action.
In both examples, option C results from self-doubt. Instead of recognizing the realistic concerns that led you to decline the offers, you believe your self-doubt.
In the two examples below, which response conveys unrealistic, imagined, or exaggerated concern, and which reflects self-confidence? What is the reasonable action?
The semiformal dance is approaching and you would like to invite a friend from another school to be your date.
- A. You imagine being turned down and think nothing could be worse than rejection.
- B. You don’t want to risk the rejection, so you don’t ask.
- C. You know it’s possible your friend could say no, for all sorts of reasons, but you take the chance because you know that wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Your history teacher has assigned a short PowerPoint presentation in front of the class.
- A. You imagine messing up and, as a result, believe everyone will think less of you.
- B. You don’t want to face the scrutiny, so you stay home sick on the day your presentation is scheduled.
- C. You realize how prepared you are for the assignment, know you can communicate the message to one person and to a crowd, and volunteer to go first.
In both examples, option A conveys unrealistic concerns. You exaggerated the probability of, and consequences for, an imagined threat.
In both examples, option B describes unreasonable actions. You let imaginary danger get in the way of your goals and what you wanted.
In both examples, option C represents self-confidence. Instead of letting unrealistic concern color your perspective, you chose reasonable action.
The next time a concern crosses your mind, before you leap into action or withdraw, think through whether that concern is realistic or coming from doubt. Here are a series of steps you can follow to do this.
Step 1: Label the situation that triggered your concern. Examples include: starting a new job, giving a speech in class, taking a test, accepting a social invitation, and leaping on an opportunity to do something.
Step 2: Ask yourself whether there is cause for realistic concern or if self-doubt is operating. The following questions will help you determine a realistic concern.
- Do I have the experience or skills that I need?
- Is there a resource outside of myself that can help me face this situation?
- Is the threat an unlikely possibility, or is it more than likely to happen?
- If something bad happened, would the consequences be significant?
Step 3: Take reasonable action. Consider what action you can take that would get you closer to your goals and would obtain what you want without putting your well-being in jeopardy.
The Bottom Line: Know the difference between realistic concern and imaginary self-doubt.