The students of Beechwood Middle School had been anxiously sitting in the auditorium for the past twenty minutes. With the air-conditioning broken, the room was quickly growing hotter. Assemblies had become a common occurrence lately, but this one was slightly different. Principal Kim was about to make a big announcement about Con-Con and the ghost. Rumors spread around school that police cars were spotted out front, waiting to take kids away to jail. Rube was nowhere to be found. He hadn’t shown up for class. He hadn’t answered any messages. Boob and Pearl weren’t just worried, they were scared.
“Still nothing?” asked Pearl.
Boob shook his head. “Do you think he ran away and is living down by the train tracks near the dump? I bet he’s fishing in the river with his bare hands.”
“That kid can’t catch a fish with a fishing pole. He sure as heck can’t catch one with his hands. What if—” she said, stopping short. “No. That’s too crazy.”
“What’s too crazy?!” Boob exclaimed. “You can’t say that’s too crazy, then abandon ship. Spill it, girl!”
Pearl hesitated. “What if Rube was the ghost all along?”
“You were right the first time,” Boob replied. “That’s too crazy.”
“Think about it, though. He was so worried about Con-Con. Maybe the ghost was one big distraction to help take the pressure off himself in case he didn’t deliver the goods. People self-sabotage all the time. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re doing it.”
“Back it up, Nancy Drew. Just because Rube ghosted us doesn’t mean—” Boob gasped. “Oh no. You’re right. He’s the ghost. Rube is the ghost! Maybe not. But maybe yes! Is it hot in here, or am I losing my mind?”
Zach sat down behind them. “Have either of you talked to Rube?”
Boob swung around, putting his finger in Zach’s face. “No, we haven’t, you treacherous snake,” he snapped. “You machine-stealing piece of—”
“Relax, Boob,” Pearl said. “He’s not worth it.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” replied Zach. “How do we know you’re not the one behind all this junk? You just happened to find a creepy doll in the woods that unleased a curse upon the school? Yeah, right. You wanted attention. Rube and I became buddies, and you got all butt-hurt about it. You’ve been jealous from the very beginning. Who else would know exactly how to hurt him but his best friend in the world?”
Boob boiled with anger. “If it was me, I would have beat your machine to shreds too, you oozing-pus goblin.” Pearl put her hand on his shoulder to calm him down.
“I’ll take it from here,” she said. “Hi, Zach. We haven’t officially met. I’m Pearl. Also, Rube’s friend. I think it might be best if you keep your thoughts to yourself on this one. Okay?”
“You’re probably in on it too,” Zach replied. “I’m sure it would help your campaign if everything fell apart so only you could put it back together.”
“Excuse me!?” Pearl exclaimed. “First of all, that’s insane. Second of all, you don’t know what you’re talking about. And! Your breath smells like rotten eggs.”
Principal Kim hurried into the auditorium. It was clear from the dark circles under his eyes that he’d had a very long night. The room quieted immediately as he prepared to speak. “Here at Beechwood Middle School, we are a family. Through thick and thin. No matter what. I know we’re all confused and heartbroken over what happened to Con-Con. The local police have informed me that because our security cameras are, in their words, ‘in desperate need of an upgrade,’ we’ve been unable to use the footage to help find the person or persons responsible for these despicable acts. If you or anyone you know has any information, I urge you to come forward and share it so we can catch the culprit.”
“Ask Gladys the Ghost!” a voice called out.
“Yes, Gladys. The ghost. I will be addressing that shortly.” His hand trembled as he took a sip of bottled water. “In the meantime, I’d like to say . . .” He glanced over at Mr. Blank, who nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately, due to timing and a host of other financial difficulties, we won’t be able to remount Con-Con this year. That also means the winner of the competition, by default, because his was the only contraption left standing, is Zachary Billingsley.”
A wave of whispers quickly moved through the crowded room. “This is bull honky!” Boob shouted. “We demand a do-over!”
Suddenly, the auditorium door swung open, causing everyone to turn. Lala Palooza had a bullhorn, and she was not afraid to use it. “Tout le monde dehors! Nous allons faire une excursion sur le terrain. Quelqu’un a-t-il déjà conduit une limousine? J’en ai quarante prêtes et en attente.” Then she realized she was speaking French. “Sorry about that. Everyone outside! We’re taking a field trip,” she explained. “Ever ride in a limo? I’ve got forty of them ready and waiting.”
“Excuse me, Miss Palooza. You can’t just barge in here and kidnap the entire student body,” said Principal Kim. “We will not be a part of some kind of flash mob.”
Lala winced. “Flash mob? Ugh. No one does that anymore, Grandpa. Trust me. This is really important. And it’ll be quick. Promise. You wanted attention, right, Principal Kim?”
“What?!” exclaimed Principal Kim. “I . . . don’t . . . this . . . is . . .” He stumbled to find a way out of admitting the truth. “Who said that?”
“Everyone. Now buckle up, because you’re about to get more attention than you can handle.”
Students launched out of their seats and raced outside to find a line of limos that stretched around the block. It was a breathtaking sight. They piled into them without a second thought. Principal Kim tried to stop everyone, but in the end, all he could do was follow.
“What’s this about?” Boob said wearily.
“Just get in and don’t ask questions.” Pearl pushed him into a limo, and off they went. The fleet of automobiles drove through Beechwood, winding around the streets like a long robot serpent. Eventually, they arrived at a familiar destination—7483 Berkeley Street, Rube’s house. There were big-screen TVs set up outside, in formation. As students gathered on the lawn, Rube appeared at his bedroom window. “Hey, everyone! Things are a little tight inside. If you were involved in Con-Con, come on in! If you can’t fit, hang out here for a bit. You’ll all get a chance to see what I’ve cooked up, just as soon as possible,” he said, closing the curtain.
“What about us?” Boob asked Pearl. “We weren’t involved in Con-Con.”
“He’ll make an exception,” Pearl replied.
As students crowded themselves inside the house, Rube slid down the banister to greet them. He even dressed up for the occasion. “Thanks for coming!” he said, adjusting the collar of his sleek little suit. “Welcome to my place.” He pointed at the living room, which was walled off with a curtain. “But don’t go in there. Yet. Otherwise, let me give you the tour.” Jaws dropped as everyone made their way through the space. Rube had turned his home into a wonderland of machines. His entire house had become a magical museum of invention.
“I demand an explanation!” Principal Kim stormed in, ready to go ballistic. Instead, he was left breathless. “This . . . is . . . beautiful. What have you done, Rueben?”
“Wait a minute,” said Jaida Hall, inspecting one of the machines. “This is mine and my sister’s. This is the Beautifier. Did you—”
“Rebuild each and every one of the machines that got destroyed? Yep! I remembered their construction really clearly. To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t get a few of them out of my head. Some needed improvements, which I made, while others were more or less sturdy to begin with. But the idea for each one came from the team who made it, not me. All I really did was set them up. The placard under each one lists the team name and all the members. Obviously, they wouldn’t all fit in my house, so make sure you check out the backyard as well. There’s a whole bunch back there too.”
Principal Kim was in shock. “This is amazing. How . . . did you do all of this?”
“I stayed up all night drinking Beefcake Fuel,” Rube replied. “Just kidding. Power naps were key.” He opened his mouth as wide as it could go and released a long, loud yawn. “But I could really use a good night’s sleep.” As students moved through the house, marveling at the inventive assemblage, Rube spotted Pearl and Boob in the corner and gave them a shy, awkward wave. There was so much he wanted to say, but it wasn’t the time. Pearl and Boob smiled as they returned the gesture.
Watching Rube move through the room was the best part. He was a superb master of ceremonies. In that moment, Pearl and Boob understood what building machines meant to their best friend. It was clear from Rube’s giddy expression that he was in his happy place and finally at ease sharing his gift with the world. It was a huge step. They wanted to give him a big, proud hug. But there were too many people around for that kind of lovefest. For now, Boob and Pearl were content watching Rube enjoy himself.
“It was you!” Zach angrily pushed himself into the room. “You sabotaged Con-Con and did all of this just to make yourself look like a hero. And everyone’s falling for it!” Bertha growled as Zach got closer to Rube.
“That’s not true, Zach. All I wanted to do was make it up to the teams who worked so hard. Their machines deserve to be seen and appreciated. So does yours.” He gestured to a replica of Zach’s machine. “I’m sorry that I thought you stole my design. Great minds think alike, and it wasn’t fair of me to accuse you without proof.” Mr. Blank entered in silence, taking in the sight. “You’re right on time, Mr. Blank. Please follow me,” Rube said, opening the living room curtain to reveal his newest mechanical creation. “I present to you my pièce de résistance! Otherwise known as . . .” He trailed off for a moment. “I’ll tell you in a minute. The name is a spoiler. In the meantime, we’ll call it the Mystery Machine! Have a seat, Mr. Blank. Best one in the house.” Rube patted the cushions of a big, comfy chair in the corner of the room.
“And what is the purpose of this device?” asked Mr. Blank.
Rube grinned. “You’ll see.” He had everyone’s attention. This is the moment of truth. Here goes . . . something. He set the machine in motion, each step executing perfectly. Even Bertha got in on the action. Mr. Blank was intrigued by the device, but as it advanced toward its goal, he came to a realization. He’d been tricked. Before he could do anything about it, a metal claw descended from above. It ripped off his hairpiece, uncovering a shiny bald head with a very familiar splotch-shaped birthmark on his cranium.
What the whaaaaaaat!
Rube’s mouth fell open. Students doubled over with laughter, not knowing the truth behind this shocking discovery. Fuming, Mr. Blank sprang from the chair and made a beeline for the door. Luckily, Bertha jumped into action and stopped his escape, growling and barking till he sat down.
“Y-you’re him?” Rube stuttered. “But you’re supposed to be dead.”
Principal Kim wanted answers. “Quiet down, everyone! Quiet down,” he said. “Can someone please explain what’s going on here?!”
Rube raised his hand “Um, so, this is really weird, but Mr. Blank is actually an international criminal mastermind named Professor Zeero.”
“For real?” asked Boob. “An international criminal ended up here? In Beechwood? We don’t even have a Bubba Burger. Plus, the weather is meh.”
“I can explain . . .” Good luck getting anyone to believe you, Goldberg. “So, there’s this, um, world-famous inventor named Professor Butts. He and Zeero, the guy we know as Mr. Blank, used to be pals back in the day. But Zeero betrayed the Professor. Then died? To be perfectly honest, I’m super confused right now.”
“The report of my death was an exaggeration,” Mr. Blank snarled. “It took me years to find your friend, the Professor, after he hid himself in this disgusting little town. Once I arrived here, my plan to destroy him took a different shape. I’d hurt him by hurting you. Any friend of Butts is my enemy.” The house erupted with laughter. “Oh, when Rube says Butts, it’s fine, but when I say it, you laugh? Nasty, stinking little brats. May you all rot.”
“You built me up just so you could tear me down,” said Rube. “An agent of chaos. Just like the Professor said. I knew Con-Con had to be an inside job.”
“I’d like to speak to my lawyer,” Mr. Blank replied. “Unless, perhaps, Principal Kim has something he’d like to add?”
“Well . . . I . . . this is really . . . not . . . a good time . . .” Principal Kim sputtered, twisting his body as if he had to use the bathroom.
“Tell them!” Mr. Blank shouted. “If you don’t, I will.”
“This is getting spicy,” whispered Boob. “I’m into it.”
“Mr. Blank—I mean, Professor Zeero—is the ghost too, right?” Pearl asked. “Or am I missing something?”
“Not exactly.” Principal Kim collapsed into a nearby chair. “Beechwood Middle School needs money. Badly. Our funding was cut by the state. Senator Wharfman said education isn’t his top priority, and that has left us in deep, deep trouble. When the ghost rumors started, I thought if the local news was interested, maybe we could go viral and make a few bucks. We could sell T-shirts and give tours of America’s First Haunted Middle School. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I staged the slime incident. It was so stupid of me. No one got hurt, thank goodness. Mr. Blank found out about what I did and threatened to expose me. I planned on telling everyone the truth, but then everything happened with Con-Con, which I had absolutely nothing to do with. And I certainly didn’t know about any of this Professor Zeero business.” He put his head in his hands and sobbed. “I messed up. I did what I thought was right and ended up making a fool of myself. Now the school will never get the resources we need.”
“I’ve got you covered.” Lala reached into her purse, retrieved a slip of paper, and placed it in Principal Kim’s hand. “Pearl and I have been talking lately. She’s got a lot of good ideas. One of them got me thinking. I might be stuck in public school, but there’s no reason I can’t try to use my family’s money to make things a little better around here.”
As Principal Kim unfolded the slip of paper, his eyes widened. It was a check for a large sum of money. “Lala, this is . . . un . . . believable . . .”
“Just a little donation. No strings attached,” Lala said. “But cash it quick, before my parents get home. Just kidding! That amount of money is literally nothing to them. Oh, and start a STEM program too, while you’re at it. As a treat.”
Suddenly, Officer Bacon barged into the house, blaring his bullhorn. “WHOEVER OWNS THOSE LIMOS OUTSIDE NEEDS TO MOVE THEM ASAP OR FACE SWIFT JUSTICE! And, uh, I think I’m here to arrest someone.”
“That guy,” Boob said, pointing to Mr. Blank. “Don’t worry, Mr. Zeero. Officer Bacon is a superb driver. Not the best conversationalist. But one out of two ain’t bad, right?”
“Okay, everybody back in the limos!” Lala shouted. “My parents will freak out if they knew I took them.” She paused, bursting into a big smile. “Just kidding! I can do anything I want.”
“Thanks for helping me put all of this together, Lala,” Rube said. “I owe you one.”
“I know, Goldberg,” Lala replied. “And one day very soon, I’ll come to collect.”
Officer Bacon put Mr. Blank in handcuffs and walked him out of the house, onto the front lawn, for the entire neighborhood to see. It was the most interesting thing to happen to Beechwood in quite a while.
“Bye!” Rube said, waving. “Thanks for living up to both of your names!”
Mr. Blank glared. “I’m humbled by this embarrassment. That much is true. But this isn’t the end, dear boy. Not by a long shot. You see, I play a very long game.”
Rube held his hand up to his ear. “Did you say lawn game?”
“A long game.”
“A lawn game? Like . . . a game you play on your lawn?”
“No!” shouted Mr. Blank. “A long game! A game that is long!”
Rube chuckled. “I heard you the first time, idiot.”
Rube watched with pleasure as Mr. Blank was put into the police car and driven away to jail. Or wherever they take bad guys these days. He never expected in a million years that he’d end up unintentionally unmasking an international criminal. All he wanted to do was make people laugh. Soon a reporter from a local TV station snuck into the house with a camera crew in tow. Uh-oh. Here we go. She rushed over to Rube and shoved a microphone in his face. “Hi, I’m Candace Honeywell with BTV News. You’re the first child in the tristate area to unmask an alleged criminal mastermind. How does that feel?”
Rube cleared his throat and leaned into the mic. “Eh. He was heavy on the criminal but light on the mastermind. And I’m not a child. Allow me to show you around.”
The reporter stepped through the house carefully, taking in the majesty of what Rube had built. “This looks like so much fun. What do you call this one?” she asked, pointing at the machine that revealed Professor Zeero.
“Well, it was originally the Wig Flipper, but now it feels more like a—”
Boob snatched the mic and took charge. “It’s called a Rube Goldberg Machine. One of a kind in every way. Look for us on social media. #RubeGoldbergMachine. That’ll be all. Boob out!” he shouted, tossing the microphone away. Rube smiled.
A Rube Goldberg Machine. Yeah, let’s go with that.