CASE STUDY: JOSH Z.
Graduate, private New England college
I got the name of my roommate over the summer, and we e-mailed each other about what to bring and our likes and dislikes. We seemed to have a lot in common. He told me he loved football. I had played in high school and am a huge Giants fan. I was going to be a percussion major, so I told him that I would be in the practice rooms after classes quite a bit. He also told me he was a big classical music fan, which I thought was cool. It never occurred to me to look him up on MySpace until a friend suggested it.
Well, I did look him up and I could not believe what he had posted. Not only was he into garage rock and goth, he made a point of trashing classical music. Then he trashed football and other sports. He made it a point to call sports fans “demented and stupid.” It was not until I read the part of his blog that said music was not really a major and that anyone could play an instrument that I realized he was talking about me. He even went on to blog that he could not wait to meet his “jerk of a roommate who thinks I liked football.”
I guess if anyone was demented and stupid, it is him. I e-mailed him and told him I had read what he posted on his blog. He never responded, which I took to mean he knew he was caught red-handed. Since I had applied early, I had enough time to request another roommate and things worked out fine. My advice to anyone who wants to know about their roommate is to first talk to them. Sometimes they will even tell you to read their MySpace page. It is not as though you are spying. Let us face it, if there is something someone does not want the public to know about them, the last place they should post it is online.
Senior, Penn State University
What can I say? I had the worst roommate my first year. She came from a small town and it seems like she could not wait to drink herself into a stupor every weekend and sleep with every guy on campus. It only took her one week before she started bringing guys to our room. Most of them left but some stayed overnight. I had no intention of sleeping in a room where they were having sex so I would stay with a friend I had known in high school who lived in another dorm.
At first I thought she would eventually get it out of her system and pay attention to classes and studying. She did manage to make it to classes, but complained about the amount of homework and how it left her less time to party. One weekend, while I was with friends at a movie, someone called me from a party and told me she had passed out. At first I said it was not my problem, but then I felt bad and worried that she would try to drive home when she woke up. So I had a friend drive me there and I helped get her in the car, where she puked. Not only did I have to drag her from the car to our room, but I had to clean up her puke.
That was about the last straw. I did not come to college to be a baby sitter. By December, things had not gotten any better. I wondered if she did not even realize her behavior was so disruptive, so I talked to her about it. She said she had been waiting years to get away from her family and her town to “finally have a life.” It was clear that her behavior was not going to change overnight. I knew once her parents saw her grades, she would either have to clean up her act or leave.
I was right. During winter break, she e-mailed me to say that she was not coming back. It is funny that I ended up with a new roommate who had experienced the same thing and had asked to be moved. We had some good stories to share and tried to outdo each other. But my story of having to clean up puke in my own car was the best. We both agreed on that.
Graduate, University of Pennsylvania
I have so many bad roommate stories but one of the best was this woman I roomed with in my freshman year (of all years!) who had absolutely no problem walking around stark naked. Not just in our room, but down the hall to the shower, into the toilet stall, back down the hall, and even into the kitchen area. We were in a coed dorm too, so it is not like there were just a few girls around. Sometimes she would drape a small towel around her waist, but it barely covered what it was supposed to.
People stared and whispered, and she must have known they were talking about her. I kind of felt bad for her, but not so much because I just could not believe she had that kind of nerve. The thing was, and this is kind of mean, she was on the heavy side, which made it even more embarrassing. Or I should say, made me even more embarrassed for her because not only were people talking about her obsession with being naked, they were making fun of her body.
I put up with this for a few weeks until I came home from class one day and she was sitting — completely naked — on my quilt. I was totally grossed out and went crazy. I just kind of lost it and said, “If you want to make a fool of yourself and walk around like no one notices, that’s fine, but I don’t want your fat rear on any of my stuff.”
Believe it or not, she seemed surprised . . . as if it had never occurred to her that her behavior was just weird. I apologized the next day but only for yelling at her. I made it clear that I was not comfortable with her nakedness and especially having her butt on my bed. I told her people talked about her, too. She just kind of shrugged and said one of the reasons she wanted to go to Penn was because it was a “progressive” university. Well, yeah, maybe by way of academics, but it is not a nudist camp. She had some other issues too, like depression and family problems, so being around her was a drag. I eventually moved off campus to live with some friends who preferred to keep their clothes on.
Junior, private university
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
I knew absolutely nothing about drugs or drug use when I started here two years ago. I grew up nearby, but my parents thought it was a good idea for me to live on campus so I could become more independent. They regretted that decision after the first semester.
I was going to be traveling abroad to study during my sophomore year, so I had to maintain a certain grade-point average while a freshman. Needless to say, I studied all the time but, since I lived near home, I went there on weekends. Little did I know my roommate, Lisa, was doing and dealing drugs while I was away. I saw the first signs of it when I found a plastic needle casing in the trash. At first I thought she was diabetic. We did not spend time with each other outside the room so I really did not know much about her personal life. I did not say anything but started checking the bathroom trash can on Mondays. Sure enough, there was another one. I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag. I did not really have a plan to do anything with it but just thought it was a good idea.
Along with that, our room was a disaster when I returned Sunday nights. I could tell someone had been sleeping in my bed. I confronted Lisa and she said something like, “Oh, yeah. My sister was here and there wasn’t enough room in my bed, so she slept in yours. You don’t mind, do you?” I told her that I did mind and asked that no one sleep in my bed and that she be more considerate and clean up on Sunday.
I started asking other students on my floor if they saw people coming and going from my room. One guy told me he thought we had parties every weekend because there was so much traffic. I confronted Lisa and she admitted to having a few people over but said the other guy was exaggerating. The next weekend, I spied on my own room. I came to campus with my older brother on Saturday night. We stood at the end of the hall where we could see the door to my room, but anyone coming out would have to go in the opposite direction to get to the elevator. I could not believe it. There was a steady stream of people. They would stay a few minutes and then leave and we could even see some of them stuffing something in their pockets.
We went home and told my dad who immediately called campus police. Lisa was busted that night and we found out my room had been raided. After that, my parents insisted I move back home until it was time to go abroad. I moved back on campus and into a single the following year.
Student at the University of Massachusetts
We were friends from work and had a lot of fun together, so we thought being roommates would be a great idea. We found a two-bedroom apartment and moved in right before the beginning of my sophomore year. Her two Siamese cats, male and female, moved in, too.
Things were all right at first, but then she began to use drugs. I tried not to judge what she was doing, but I did not want any drugs or drug use in the apartment I was paying rent for. She went ahead and did it anyway behind closed doors.
Then she started to eat my food. I was taking a full load of classes and working as well, so I was in no position to buy food for both of us. She would try to be sneaky and steal a soda from the back of the six-pack thinking I would never catch on.
Halfway through the second semester, she took off . . . just got up and left without any notice but did not take the cats. I was left with no other choice but to feed (and pay for the food) and pick up after them. The worst part was that she had never had them fixed, so, of course, the female went into heat and it was a nightmare.
After a week or two of her being gone, I found out she stopped paying rent as well. After numerous calls (at least 30 before her dad finally returned one) to her and her parents, someone finally paid the back-due rent and came to pick up the cats. But because I had to cover a portion of her rent and had to move out before the lease expired, since I could not afford the rent on my own, I lost the security deposit. Because we had a joint lease, we were both responsible. If I had not forgone the security deposit, it would have appeared on my parents’ credit report since they had been cosigners.
Thankfully, the lease ended and I came out alive, just minus $250, which can be a lot of money for a college student.
What I learned from this experience is to know someone well before you sign a lease with them, and read the fine print on your lease or any contract you sign. Your roommate may get up and leave, and you may not know that you are responsible for their half of the rent.
Graduate of Florida Institute of Technology
I went to a small school where the ratio of men to women was 20 to one, which made for an interesting environment. Some of the male students would go out of their way to be strange, as if that would be a selling point to the female students. So from the beginning, I wasn’t that surprised to be matched with an odd roommate. I was surprised that I would be matched with a string of them over the next four years.
The first guy seemed really studious, polite, and well-adjusted. He brought his parents to the room and introduced them to me. My major was aeronautics and his was engineering. If there is a stereotype of an engineering student, he was it; he wore thick glasses and a white, short-sleeve shirt, that even had a plastic pocket protector. His folks took us both to dinner and he seemed like a well-mannered young man whose goal was to get good grades, please his parents, and get a job.
Do not let looks deceive you. For the first few weeks, all he did was study. Then his opposite personality kicked in. He started partying and staying out all night. He would sleep through classes — well into the afternoon and then yell at me for opening the shades at 3 p.m. He held parties in the hallways and was so loud and disruptive, he eventually got thrown out of the dorm. This was before the first semester even ended. He moved his stuff out and went to live off campus with friends. That was the end of Bad Roommate No. 1.
My next roommate was from Tennessee. He chewed tobacco and was obsessed with fire-brewed beer. He could explain in painful detail the step-by-step brewing process and which brands were better than others and why. For someone like me, who favored whichever beer was on tap, it was about as annoying as the tobacco chewing and spitting, which was fairly annoying, along with the giant wad constantly bulging from the side of his mouth. I am not even sure how he managed to get accepted. He lasted one semester and then dropped out. Probably to open up a brewery. End of roommate No. 2.
My next roommate was a martial arts fanatic and would practice his moves on anyone who innocently walked down the hall. He also had a hobby of disassembling the dorm furniture, which I believe was in violation of dorm policies. Maybe he was into feng shui, or maybe it was because the furniture had been taken apart, but he liked to sleep on the floor, surrounded by candles, which I believe was another violation. I did not wait for him to drop out. I moved to an off-campus apartment and spent the remaining years at FIT living happily by myself.
CASE STUDY: THE WORST COLLEGE ROOMMATE: HOW I BECAME A RELUCTANT VOYEUR
The Sounds of Sex
By Fern Cohen
www.ferncohen.com
Published by www.associatedcontent.com
November 14, 2007
I have had my share of less-than-ideal roommates. God knows, college is difficult enough without coming home to a space the size of a closet that is stuffed with two beds, a fridge, hotplate, and tons of books and papers. If they gave out frequent-stayer points for the library, I certainly would have racked up enough credit to buy my own house off campus. I always seemed to get stuck with the homesick, boyfriend-missing wretch who decided to leave after a year to move home and commute, or who transferred to a campus closer to home. I began to think I was the one who drove them away. Nevertheless, each year I had a new personality to get used to. My freshman roommate went home every weekend, leaving me lonely at first, but grateful once I had a boyfriend. I dated a pre-med student for three years, so the peace and quiet of a roommate-free dorm room was great. The rest of the time, we went off to the library. Dating a pre-med student was definitely my salvation, since I doubt I would have been so studious if I had paired up with the dorm pothead.
I find it hard to pick out my worst experience. That freshman-year roommate who went home every weekend, made up for the weekend peace with endless phone calls every weekday evening to her best friend, mom, and boyfriend, during which she cried and counted the days when she would go home again. No surprise that she left after that year to attend the local college near her home. Enter the severe asthmatic my second year. She was nice, but the poor thing chose a school in the worst ragweed territory in New York. After many asthma attacks and sleepless nights spent pacing the floor, she too went home to live. The third year I got the loud snorer. “If you hear me snore during the night, just roll me over on my stomach,” she told me. She was big; rolling her over would not have been easy. Besides, I didn’t feel like repositioning a full-grown 19-year-old who woke me at three in the morning. I was afraid to approach her bed, lest I satisfy my temptation to smother her with a pillow, silencing her snores forever and putting me in a jail cell with an even worse roommate.
Senior year held promise. I found a roommate who was a late-night partier, but so was I. We were almost out of there and determined to have fun. By that time, I had broken off with the future doc and was manhunting myself.
She was a lot more active and brought guys back to have sex. But I didn’t mind sleeping on the couch in our suite’s sitting room a few nights a week. When we both signed on for student teaching the second semester of senior year, and had to wake up at 6:30 every morning, I figured the sex in our room would stop. Wrong. So I secured my place in the room and in bed by 10 every night, while she entertained her men friends out in the sitting room, a little miffed that I was already inside and in bed. Ha! Got you there.
Or so I thought until one night I awoke to loud moaning. Oh, no, I thought. The snorer cannot be back. But this was not snoring, and it was not coming from a female. I could not, would not believe that my nymphomaniac roommate was having sex in the next bed. When I brought up the subject the next day, she told me I was free to go elsewhere. Yeah, right. Try finding a new room, and a new roommate in March of your senior year. She was not embarrassed that I had heard. But wait — it gets worse. A few nights later, I heard whispering. “You can’t stay all night in my bed; you have to leave and go to your own bed,” I heard her telling her semi-steady sex partner (she had other “johns” too, but this one was pretty regular.) So this time I heard loud banging. This time they were standing against the door to our room, hence the banging. Oh, great, I said to myself. All through, she maintained her attitude. “So leave!” she would tell me. So, bleary-eyed, I would face my students, praying for May and graduation. Thankfully, time flew as it always does. I went my way, and my libidinous roommate went hers.
It is hard to believe that more than thirty years have passed. About five years ago, I received a message on my classmates.com profile from a guy who lived in my dorm during my senior year of college. I recognized the name and chuckled. We chatted by instant message. I reminded him of those hot, steamy sex sessions he had with my roommate, and to which I was an unwilling “entendeur” (“voyeur” comes from the French “one who sees.” I was only “one who hears;” hence an “entendeur”). He was so embarrassed. My raunchy roomie had him convinced I was a deep sleeper and had not heard a thing. How stupid a 19-year-old can be when caught with his pants down in front of some lying vixen. “If I’d known you heard everything,” he said. “I never would have banged her right in the room with you there.” I tended to doubt that. I do not think it would have made a difference. He shot over a picture of a paunchy, balding middle-age man, his wife (not my college roommate), and two grown sons. I wondered if that woman could ever imagine that her hubbie honed his skills surreptitiously within earshot of an unwilling observer who just wanted a good night’s sleep before honing her skills in the classroom the next day.
Graduate of Syracuse University
Prior to my first day of college, I received notice that, due to larger than anticipated enrollment, I would share a converted public room with three other girls. Needless to say, I was apprehensive about the logistics. My nervousness was magnified when I decided to phone my three soon-to-be roommates to make introductions.
The first — a girl from Long Island — immediately asked me my race. The second, from Manhattan, never returned my call. The third — from a rural town with a population of less than 100 — sounded nervous but nice. As it turns out, the third one was the loose cannon.
We all checked in on the first day and got acclimated to our new surroundings. By day two, we were ready to engage the full-on college experience by starting up a drinking game. When we asked roomie No. 3 if she wanted to join in, she said that she had never drunk beer before but would be pleased if we let her watch. We all felt a little uncomfortable but said that was okay.
As we began to line up shot glasses and bottles of beer, she would pick up each and carefully examine it, holding it up to the light as if it were a jewel or a fossil. As we sat in a circle to begin our game, she asked if we could “bless” the game. We said “no.” Next, as we began to play and each took a turn drinking, No. 3 would sort of scoot into the personal space of the designated drinker and carefully scrutinize every muscular movement of our faces and throats as we sucked down the contents of the shot glass.
As irony would have it, this uncomfortable experience taught us all that binge drinking was not that much fun. During our drinking game, Roomie No. 3 had made us feel a bit like aliens from another planet. Independently, we all came to the conclusion that getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk was, indeed, an unpleasant and bizarre sensation. But, irony is nothing without 180-degree turns and irony ends this story. Roomie No. 3 — that sweet, innocent, naïve girl from a farm in Middle America — became the most party-eager girl on our floor and remained that way through all of her years at college.
CASE STUDY: STEPHANIE K. CARTER-SMITH
Residence Life Coordinator
University of Florida Department of Housing and
Residence Education
stephaniec@housing.ufl.edu
Division of Student Affairs
SW 13th Street & Museum Road
PO Box 112100
Gainesville, FL 32611-2100
Phone: (352) 392-2161
Most conflicts result from the use of space in the room (for example one roommate has more items than the other and naturally thinks he or she can take up more room than the other person). Or there are differences with class/leisure-time schedules. One roommate enjoys going out every night, while the other is more focused on schoolwork and their schedules conflict like crazy. There are typically conflicts over cleanliness or lack thereof in residential spaces. You could not imagine some of the pure filthiness we as housing-staff members get to see when we walk into student spaces. Typically, when students come to us they need help communicating with each other. We live in an age where everything is done over the computer or sometimes through notes or letters, but no one wants to talk face to face to air out their grievances. When they find their way to my office, after they unsuccessfully handled the situation through their own means or through that of my other staff members, it is at a bad point. The roommates have typically cut off all verbal communication with each other, and sometimes they are maliciously doing things out of spite.
Our first line of communication is what we call at UF their Roommate Agreement Form. This is an opportunity for roommates to sit down at the beginning of the semester and talk about a few key points that could end up being disastrous if they got out of hand. Our staff promotes an environment of free thinking and sharing between the two or four students in the room to help curtail any future issues from arising. Sometimes this helps and other times it does not. If the Gator-to-Gator does not work, we have the residents speak with their RA to discuss the matter as a group. If that proves unsuccessful and no compromise can be met, the residents are referred to the graduate hall director of the area for another level of mediation. If that proves unsuccessful, the students are referred to the professional staff member in the building.
Typically, at this point, a decision will be reached. Either the two will stay together, or we will do our best to find space for one of the roommates elsewhere on campus. The key is coming to a resolution that will best benefit both individuals and allow them to focus on their education and not on their roommate conflict.
The following is the information we list on our Housing Web site about roommate conflicts and conflict resolution:
Steps to resolving a roommate conflict
• Step 1 — Complete the Gator-to-Gator Building Roommate Communications program with your roommate(s). See staff for info.
• Step 2 — Speak to your roommate(s) directly. State issues neutrally. Relay feelings. Offer resolutions. Be prepared to listen. Be willing to compromise.
• Step 3 — Ask staff assigned to your floor to intervene by meeting with all roommates involved. His/Her role is that of a neutral mediator as involved roommates resolve the problem.
• Step 4 — Roommates meet with a graduate hall director, residence director, or residence-life coordinator who may serve as a mediator or arbitrator in resolving the conflict. Roommates may be asked to sign revised Roommate Expectations forms. If problems cannot be resolved, transfers may be arranged.
• Step 5 — The assistant director of Housing for Residence Life may intervene in a conflict if roommates have been unable to resolve it at the other levels.
When filling out the questions on the housing forms be honest. If you do not like to study with music on do not put that you do. If you are a smoker and do not mind living with another smoker put that down. If you go to bed early and have ever since you were 12, do not somehow think now that you are in college that your schedule may change because it may not. The assignments staff at most universities do their best to match students as closely as they can from the answers/questionnaire results students provide. It is in your best interest to be honest so they can find the most compatible roommate for you to help your chances of having a successful year living on campus.
At the University of Florida during summer preview orientation sessions, the Department of Housing holds an educational session for parents and potential students. Our session covers everything from roommate relations, safety, and security — you name it — if it deals with living on campus, we touch on it in some way. During this time, we talk about keeping lines of communication open with your roommate and consulting with our staff if help is needed.
When issues arise, discuss them as adults would. Air your grievances rationally and purposefully. Do not insult the other person and definitely do not call them names. When in doubt, remember you are never alone. We have competent student and professional staff in the area who can help you with your situation and come to an agreement in which all parties involved will find some benefit.
Stephanie K. Carter-Smith is a graduate of Florida State University and The University of Georgia. She received her master’s degree in College Student Affairs Administration in 2002. She has worked in the field of student affairs since then. Carter-Smith worked for three years at Duke University (on-campus student housing), did a short stint in private student housing, and joined The University of Florida housing staff in January 2006. She supervises four graduate-hall directors and 27 RA staff members.
CASE STUDY: ALAN ACOSTA, RESIDENCE COORDINATOR
University Housing, The Florida State University
942 Learning Way • P.O. Box 3064174
Tallahassee, FL 32313-4174
Ph: (850) 644-3558 • Fax: (850) 645-7751
E-mail: aacosta@admin.fsu.edu
The most common roommate-related conflict I see is when one roommate behaves in a way that makes the other roommate uncomfortable. In these situations, there is often a serious policy violation, such as underage drinking or illegal drug use, which can make addressing the situation difficult.
Another common roommate issue is when one roommate disrupts the sleep of another on a consistent basis. Sometimes one roommate snores, making life uncomfortable for the other roommate. Sometimes one roommate feels they need to play music or leave the TV on to fall asleep and the other roommate needs absolute silence. Sometimes one roommate likes to have a light on and the other needs total darkness. One of the most common conflicts I have heard that is sleep-related is where Mary likes to stay up or stay out late, and when she comes back to the room she is loud and wakes up Jane, her roommate. I have also seen conflicts where the two roommates are on different sleeping patterns (one sleeps all day, the other all night). In most sleep-related conflicts, Jane wants to know how she can approach Mary and let her know that what she is doing is disrupting her sleep or try to find a way to change Mary’s sleeping pattern.
Another conflict I see frequently is when one resident feels uncomfortable because of her roommate’s guests. One I hear often is that Mary has her boyfriend/ girlfriend over all the time and it makes Jane uncomfortable. Sometimes it is because Mary and her boyfriend/girlfriend are together all the time in the room or even having sex in the room, and it is a matter of Jane wanting some privacy. I had one conflict where Jane was tired of coming out of the shower in a towel and seeing Mary’s boyfriend in the room. They will want to negotiate a guest policy with their roommate.
Students come to see me for a variety of problems. The most common reason residents come to see me is that they feel there is a problem with their current room assignment. Some of these problems include roommate conflicts, feeling like their room is too small, living in a room with too many people (such as a triple or quad room), they want to move to a “nicer” hall, or they want to move to a single room for more privacy. Sometimes residents see me if they want clarification about a housing policy, such as why they cannot have candles, why they got charged for damage in the room, and how they can get something in their room fixed.
Every so often students will come to me with an academic concern. I will point them in the direction of academic resources and ask them if there is anything we in housing can do to better their academic environment.
The way we address conflict depends on whether there is a policy violation taking place. If Jane tells me Mary is breaking a policy, such as underage drinking, I will tell Jane to document the situation using a behavior-report form. I will then sit down with Mary and talk to her about what I am hearing about her behavior, why it is a policy violation, and what some of the consequences are if she is documented violating the policy in the future. If the violation is more serious, such as Mary is selling drugs out of her room, I will have Jane contact campus police, and we will work together to address the situation from there.
If there is no policy violation taking place and it is just an issue between two roommates, I follow a four-step process:
1. If it has not happened already, I encourage Mary and Jane to talk to each other first. In many roommate conflicts, Mary is not even aware she is doing something that bothers Jane. Sometimes Mary just needs to be made aware that there is a problem, and it can be resolved quickly.
2. If that has not helped resolve the conflict, I will send the RA of that room to have a mediation session with Jane and Mary; if there are roommates living in the room who are not directly involved with the conflict, such as Rita, she will asked to attend the meeting also. The RA will go over the roommate agreement, a document we have the roommates of every room fill out with their RA at the beginning of the year, and address all issues that arise as they come up. The RA will then make sure Mary and Jane understand the agreement they have made and that they need to adhere to it to avoid future conflict. We always give the roommates a copy of the agreement and keep a copy on file in our office.
3. If problems persist, I will meet with the residents. I will look over the roommate agreement to see what they have talked about beforehand. When Jane and Mary come into my office, I will lay down a few ground rules: no name-calling; no interrupting each other; make sure they tell the truth; listen carefully; be polite and respectful when communicating; and be ready to compromise. If more than two residents are involved, I will also tell them to speak only for themselves. For example, if Mary is talking, she should not say to Jane, “Rita thinks you are awful.” That may not be what Rita thinks. I then give each of them the opportunity to speak. I ask them to describe what they see as the problems in the room and ask them to tell me what they need to live comfortably in their space. I will take notes as they talk. Once all residents have made this clear, I will help identify how they can compromise with each other and feel comfortable in the room. I will inform them that they need to live by these newly established guidelines or they may be moved from the hall. After the meeting, I will send a letter to the residents detailing our meeting and re-emphasizing the compromises they agreed on.
4. If there are still conflicts, I will move Mary or Jane or both. At this point, one of them often wants to move, so I accommodate the request.
One piece of advice I would give is that a student should know what is important to him or her and rate that appropriately. If living in a “nicer” hall or a specific area on campus (some students like to live in certain halls because they are closer to their classes) is more important, they should rank that high. If a student wants to live with one roommate or by himself/herself, they should rank that high.
Visiting the campus to get an idea of the kind of residence halls the student will live in is also a great benefit. Understanding what the options are, what they look like, and where they are on campus will help a student clarify where he or she wants to live.
Finally, I would tell students to be open to the experience they have. Even if they do not get their top residence-hall choice or room preference, be ready to have fun and make the space their home. The first piece of advice I would give students preparing to live in a residence hall is not to judge a book by its cover. In the age of Facebook and MySpace, we have seen an increase in the number of concerns (mostly from parents) when a student decides he or she does not want to live with their roommate because of something they saw on their online profile, even before they have met their potential roommate.
If the housing department sends a student their roommate’s contact information, they should talk together and get to know their potential roommate. Roommates should start talking about as many things as possible before moving in, such as what items they will bring, what items they can share, and what they will need to live successfully in the room.
I would also tell residents that if any problems arise, moving out of the room should be the last possible option. Try to talk it out with your roommate, get a housing-staff member involved, and do your best to try to make it work. Going through that process can resolve any conflicts in a more effective manner than moving out will.
Finally, be willing to compromise. Too many students come into the halls with a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, which makes things difficult for roommates and housing staff. Try to see things from the other person’s point of view, and be ready to work with a roommate to set up the living space.
Alan Acosta began in housing as a resident assistant at the University of Florida (UF), where he worked from 2001 to 2004. After completing his BSBA in business management, Alan stayed at UF and worked as a graduate-hall director from 2004 to 2006 while completing his master’s degree in education with a concentration in student personnel in higher education. During the summer of 2005, Alan worked as an Association of College and University Housing Officers-International (ACHUO-I) intern at The New School, a university in New York City. Alan has worked as a residence coordinator at Florida State University since July 2006.
Area Coordinator
Housing Office
University of Central Florida
kdoel@mail.ucf.edu
The most common conflicts between roommates include issues with cleanliness, noise, overnight guests, and occasionally alcohol or drug use.
There are times students are reluctant to address issues with their roommates. During the first six weeks of the fall semester, or the “honeymoon” period, there is a higher sense of patience and understanding as roommates get to know each other. Little quirks, annoyances, and other issues are not always addressed but continue to occur. As mid-term exams approach, those things become bigger issues and students find it difficult to confront roommates, which is when they often meet with me. Issues brought to coordinators in my position often consist of the external ones such as cleanliness or overnight guests, but that leads to students needing help with the underlying issues of communication and confrontation skills.
We take an active approach by encouraging residents to complete a roommate agreement at the beginning of the fall semester. They are also encouraged to complete another agreement if a new roommate moves in at the beginning of the spring semester. This agreement allows roommates to discuss all aspects of living together, including who will clean what when, who will take out the garbage, during what hours visitors are allowed, at what temperature the air conditioning should be set, etc. This sparks communication right from the beginning and establishes a set of expectations agreed to by all. In many cases, this prevents conflict from occurring. If a conflict does arise during the semester, we hope residents will be able to work through it on their own by using their roommate agreement. If not, RAs are available to assist them in different ways. Sometimes a discussion with the RA is sufficient. A mediation, which RAs are trained to conduct, may be necessary as well. The RAs occasionally need assistance in conflict resolution, and graduate assistants or area coordinators complete a formal mediation with the roommates. It is then important for the residence-life staff to follow up with the roommates regularly to see if further assistance is needed. In the most extreme cases, the coordinator may refer the roommates to a formal mediation process with the dispute-resolutions office on their campus.
Many residence-life programs educate residents on conflict resolution through programming initiatives, bulletin boards, community-living guides, and floor meetings at the beginning of each semester. It is important to note that each living environment differs, so educational techniques may be altered depending on the community. We focus on preparing students for living with roommates in our community-living guides, which can be found at www.housing.ucf.edu/current/current.php. Again, we take an active approach by providing information on roommate communication and setting expectations. We encourage residents to speak with their RA if they encounter a conflict.
We are finding that pairing roommates by preference results in no fewer roommate conflicts than random assigning. Some institutions no longer ask for general preferences. Students are able to say they prefer a specific person, but they do not fill out questionnaires that ask what time they go to bed, what type of music they listen to, and so on. For students who are given the opportunity to request a preferred type of roommate they are looking for at other institutions, I encourage them to be honest on the forms they are filling out. Parents may fill out the forms or watch their student fill them out. The responses can be skewed and not give a true picture of what type of person the student truly is. Honesty at the start will result in a better living environment later.
My advice to incoming residential students is to be open-minded to the idea of sharing space with people who may be different from themselves. Everyone brings their own set of values and experiences to college and that should be respected. To think you will be best friends with all of your roommates may not be realistic. I encourage students to communicate their expectations openly from the beginning and when an issue arises, address it immediately.
Resident Director
Office of Housing & Residential Life
Temple University
Philadelphia, PA 19122
By far, our biggest issue is life-style differences. It seems most students are used to having their own space (room, belongings, and so on) and have never had to live close to another person. Whereas before they did not need to be cognizant of anyone else, living on campus in a residential setting forces them to be aware of another person’s wants and needs. When they are not aware, roommate conflicts arise.
Students come to me when there is a conflict resulting from life-style differences. We do the best to pair up “like” roommates, but preferences listed on a housing application are not always accurate. Students come in and start to explore their newfound freedoms in college and do not always make the best choices. It seems those in the “Millennial Generation” are not comfortable in communicating their concerns to their roommates. On average, they would just as soon change rooms without dealing with the problem, or have their mom/dad/guardian contact the resident director to deal with the issue.
The first approach to resolving conflict is the Roommate Agreement, a preventative measure we take at the beginning of the year. This document prompts roommates to discuss things such as room cleanliness, sleeping and study habits, and so on. It is a great way to start the conversation about whether the roommates’ life styles will mesh or clash.
As issues begin to arise during the year, we use the resident adviser (RA) staff to do roommate mediations. This is an opportunity for both roommates to communicate in a structured setting where the RA controls the conversation. Different mediation techniques are used, with the prevalent one being “I statements.” This is where each person expresses concerns using “I statements,” such as “I feel this way when you do this” or “I get irritated when you play your music so loud.” Using these types of statements cuts down on the accusatory tones and the adversarial atmosphere that can potentially be created or may already be present.
Our staff is trained in mediation practices. The purpose of any mediation is to challenge the students to be able to communicate their concerns in a healthy manner. Not only does it teach communication, it forces the students to hold each other accountable for their behavior. It also teaches them that they cannot always run away from a problem or from people who are different from them.
Living with a different person in close quarters, and even having issues with them, teaches many life lessons, which is an important component of living in the residence hall.
The biggest piece of advice is to be realistic, rather than idealistic, and to respect your fellow roommate. Understand that not everyone is like you. Not everyone is obsessive about the room being spotless. On the other hand, some people do care if you eat their food or use their computer. When doing preferences for the roommate agreement, and later in the year if problems crop up, being honest about your responses is key. Stating that you go to bed early just because Mom or Dad are standing right there while you fill out the form is not good if you plan to party every night. Be honest, be open, and be willing to compromise. All the preference questions in the world will not solve all issues that come up.
Communication is also vital. Talk about issues as they arise, rather than letting them pile up until you explode for no reason at all. Be willing to talk about things and find some happy compromise with the issue. If there is no compromise, be open to the idea of sacrificing some things for the sake of the roommate relationship.
A room change should be the last resort. Running away from the problem does not solve or teach anything. Working through the issues can allow both parties to grow from the experience. If all other avenues have been exhausted, then a room change will fix the problem.
CASE STUDY: MICHAELS
Assistant vice president and director of University
Housing at a large public institution in the Northeast
Part of the housing-application process includes completing a questionnaire about life-style preferences. Are you an early riser or a night owl? Do you smoke? What are your feelings about sharing items, such as stereos, clothes, and computers? About one-half of the questionnaires we receive are based on honest responses. Roommates should openly discuss life-style preferences before moving in. Roommates have a unique relationship as they are witness to intimate facets of someone’s life style, but we encourage them to engage. Talk to your roommates and keep the lines of communication open. When there is a problem, try to bring about change without going to an authority figure.
Parents who are overly involved, (we call them “helicopter” or “hovering” parents), will go online, log on to their child’s account, and complete the housing application. In one instance, the parents assumed their child was a nonsmoker, so they went into his account and indicated that on the roommate-preference form. Their son was, unbeknownst to them, a smoker. The problem with parents being involved in these cases is that they present an idealistic rather than realistic view of their child.
Another problem we run into with parents being overly involved is that they may look at the research their child has done on a roommate on Facebook or MySpace and find out, for example, that the child is gay or an atheist. In these cases, we may receive anywhere between ten and 20 calls over the summer from parents demanding that a new roommate be assigned.
Our entire staff is trained in conflict resolution. When there is a problem and the conflict cannot be resolved by the roommates, our staff sits down with them and forms an agreement. They encourage an open conversation on what is being agreed upon and how they will react and treat that agreement. Clear expectations are outlined, as well as consequences if everyone does not meet them. This generation tends to be more passive/aggressive. It is hard to get them to talk openly and honestly. Everyone may leave a meeting in agreement, but, the next day, someone will say they did not get what they wanted and vent to parents, friends, and anyone who will listen, while in a heightened emotional state. Our job is to help them ascertain who is responsible for the conflict. We want to treat students fairly. We want to base decisions on reality not on perceptions.
When we cannot get to an agreement that sticks, we ask roommates to list their expectations and what the outcome should be if they are not met. We cannot arbitrarily move one student and not the other, especially when neither has violated any policies. When there is a stalemate, we tell them they will both be moved and then they are more willing to work out the conflict, especially if there is no space to accommodate them. The last straw is offering them the option of being released from their contract without penalty.