Have you ever watched The Real World? If not, you might want to view a few episodes — not only to see what the most obnoxious roommate on the face of the planet looks like, but also to see him claim the first bed he sees without consulting anyone else. This is even before introductions are made. Not a good way to make friends.
The hope is that you will be assigned reasonable roommates who understand that compromise plays a major role in getting along, and this includes that moment when everyone claims his or her space. If you do not care where your bed is, say so right away. This will make it easier for a roommate who may have particular reasons why she wants a bed near the door or against the wall. Just like living with your family, everyone will have their quirks.
Wait until everyone is in the room and after introductions are made. If possible, wait until parents have said their good-byes so they are not part of the decision-making. Also, whichever space you claim is not a permanent decision. You can come up with a schedule to alternate spaces every semester or year. This is not Buckingham Palace. You have approximately 10 X 10 feet to work with. Also, if you brought an item that will not fit in your room or closet, ask your parents to bring it back home.
Megan, a second semester freshman and the University of Massachusetts, told me that she and her roommates (she had two) decided who would get which bed and which closet a few weeks before moving in. It saved them a lot of trouble, especially when they heard about the arguments between hall mates over who claimed what and when.
To best use what will become a space more cramped than it is when you first move in, plan to use your closet to hold as many items as possible. You want to do this for two reasons: so you can find what you need quickly and so that you are not tossing your clothes, shoes, and anything else on the floor or on your roommate’s bed. Dorm closets are small. Yours may have just a rod without any doors, sliding doors, or shutter-type doors that open out. Over-the-door hooks and shelves are great space savers and do not require any holes, screws, or nails. Collapsible, folding shelves are another great space saver since floor space is minimal. They are five feet high and less than two feet square. You can use them to store textbooks, bike equipment, and beauty and health items. To even better utilize shelf space, buy some stacking trays. They come in various sizes and some lift up or slide out like drawers.
When it comes to décor, well, this is a tough one. Unless you paint a white line dividing the room in half, or unless you are lucky enough to be living in a suite with your own bedroom, you will be subject to your roommate’s tastes in wall hangings, plants, rugs, lamps, and everything else that may not appeal to your better sense of style. They will have to endure the same from you.
Benita grew up in New York and went to a good high school with a diverse student body. She selected a private, woman’s college in Massachusetts because it offered a recognized program in her major, but she also wanted to get away from the city for a few years. After she got settled on move-in day and said goodbye to her parents, she walked around campus, as her roommate had not yet arrived. She wanted to wait until they were both introduced before selecting a bed so she left her bags on the floor. When Benita came back, both beds were covered with bags, backpacks, books, and other belongings.
When her roommate, Rachel, arrived, Benita introduced herself and knew immediately that making this relationship work was going to take some effort. Rachel was dressed in head-to-toe Goth with lots of piercings and wearing chunky black boots, torn black fishnets, a long black skirt, and a black military-style jacket. Her hair was green and jet black and was styled in a semi Mohawk. While Benita had gone to high school with students who dressed like this, she had not been friends with them so did not associate any personality traits with the way they dressed.
Rachel immediately claimed one of the beds and while Benita really did not care one way or the other, she was a bit taken aback by the way Rachel took over. She told Benita she hoped she wasn’t going to decorate the room like a Pottery Barn catalog and proceeded to criticize the way women dressed on campus and how they all looked like J. Crew models, which made Benita wonder what Rachel was doing there. Benita decorated her side of the room with many of the colorful fabric designs her mother, who was a designer, had made. Rachel not only told Benita how ugly they were, but had decorated her part of the room mostly in black with crucifixes and images representing death. Many of Benita’s friends did not want to come to her room because they thought Rachel was weird and the room depressing.
Neither of them socialized at all the first semester, and Benita spent as much time out of the room as she could. It was not just the way Rachel had decorated, but it was the way she criticized Benita’s friends and her negative attitude that eventually convinced her to seek out a new roommate. She could not switch until the following fall, so her first year was a lesson in tolerance and how opposites just cannot get along.
KIM: Do not toss your belongings on a bed and claim it as “yours” the minute you walk into your dorm room. Be open to compromising with your roommates, and remember that you can always switch spaces every semester.
In addition to getting acclimated on campus and in your dorm, you will want to navigate your way around campus and become familiar with location of class buildings, cafeterias, food courts, coffee shops, libraries, the tech center, bank, and bookstore. You also should know what services are provided by and within your dorm and what you need to provide or do on your own. It has been a few months since you read that housing contract so here are some important questions to find answers to as you settle in during the first few days:
• What is the trash disposal/recycling policy?
• When is trash picked up?
• Does the dorm provide trash bags?
• What happens if I neglect to properly dispose trash at curbside? Is there a fine?
• Where can I store my bike?
• Do I need to move my car during snow removal?
• Does the university provide long-distance phone service if I do not have my own? If so, how can I get it?
• Is my room cable- and Internet-ready? If not, how do I get them connected?
• Can I get a satellite dish installed?
• What kind of laundry services are available? Is the cost included in my housing fee?
• What are the evacuation procedures?
• What happens if damage is done to my room or on my dorm floor? What am I responsible for?
• What happens if damage occurs but it is an accident?
This is also a good time to review the noise, overnight-guest, and prohibited-behavior sections of your housing contract.
How much of the college experience is about you? All of it, you say? If your parent(s) are paying for any portion of your college tuition, room, and board, then much is about them. Also, think about how difficult it is for your parent(s) to see you go. Just because they turned your room into a fitness center the moment you sent in that acceptance letter does not mean they do not miss you. That is their way of sending you a valuable message, which is:
You are no longer the center of the universe. You are an adult now, with adult responsibilities.
You may be thinking: What? How can that possibly be? I thought college was all about partying, staying up late, drinking, having sex, and wearing my pajamas to class. You mean there will be responsibilities like the ones my parents have? I did not bargain for this.
Living with roommates is like being in a relationship. You have to take the bad with the good. These people will have their annoying habits, but so do you. You will not be able to have everything your way and will have to find a fair balance that allows your rights to be respected and heard as well as theirs.
You will encounter students, whether in or outside your residence hall, who act like it is still high school. This is especially common when a group of high school graduates go to a local college and assume everything will be the same except they will be living in a different place and have more freedom. While it is not frowned upon to maintain friendships from high school, do not expect those relationships to be the same as they were. You are in a larger and more diverse environment. You will want, and are encouraged to, expand your circle of friends. This will happen on its own, without effort. You will begin to socialize with students who have the same major as you do or you may join a fraternity, sorority, or other club. This is all part of expanding your circle of friends, growing socially, and maturing into a responsible adult.
While moving away from home and living independently of their family may sound intimidating to some, many others cannot wait for the opportunity. But for even the bravest of souls, homesickness is more common than rare. Unless you are an international student, almost everyone is able to go home on weekends or holidays. It is a nice balance between real adulthood and the security of the home you have known for 18 years where you can still sleep in, and Mom will still make your favorite French toast and do your laundry. But then it is time to face the real world and always keep in mind that you have responsibilities that belong to only you, and Mom and Dad cannot be there to help you find your way.
KIM: Part of the experience of leaving home and living on your own is to realize that you have to accept other people’s faults and personalities. By doing so, you will be better prepared for post-college professional and personal relationships.
Picture Aretha Franklin belting out this song. She is a woman in charge and I do not know about you, but I do not want to mess with her. She demands “respect.” The same goes with mutual expectations of your roommate and yourself. You should respect his space, privacy, belongings, life style, and desire to get the best education he can. He should do the same for you. If all roommates followed this guideline, there would be no reason for me to write this section, as everyone would be respectful of everyone else.
Here are some of the most common claims of disrespect I heard from a group of third- and fourth-year students, and how they were resolved:
• He doesn’t respect my wish to study. He thinks college is one giant party, but my parents have shelled out tens of thousands of dollars for me to go here. I am transferring next semester to an honors dorm where students take studying seriously.
• She doesn’t respect the fact that this is my room, too. She rotates boyfriends and thinks I don’t know they’re having sex when I’m in class or at work. I can’t tell you how many times I came home and my bed was a mess. I’ve complained to my RD and she’s being reassigned to a different floor.
• He doesn’t respect my right to peace and quiet. Evidently, my roommate has never heard of headsets. He said he likes the “full effect” of hearing music blasted all day through a giant set of speakers. I will study in the library or in a friend’s room, but why should I always have to accommodate him? I complained to the RD and he now must wear a headset when listening to music. He’s not happy with me, but frankly, I don’t care.
• She doesn’t respect my things. My roommate assumes it is all right to use my shampoo, soap, and hair products. I don’t know where she got this from because we actually set up a written agreement at the beginning of the year that neither of us wanted to share our things. The first time I pointed this out to her, she laughed at me. When I locked my shampoo in my closet, she had the nerve to ask me where it was. I told her I had run out and that she would have to buy her own. When she saw it in the shower the next day, after she bought her own, she got the message.
• He doesn’t respect my political (religious) beliefs. I’m a Christian and get up early every morning to pray. Sometimes a group of us on the floor pray in the game room while everyone is still sleeping. I’m not bothering my roommate, but he makes fun of my “God groupies.” I don’t know what his religious preference is but I told him that his jokes aren’t funny and they not only hurt my feelings, but insult my family. When I asked him how he would feel if someone insulted his family that put an end to his remarks. Now when I joke and ask him if he’d like to join our group, we both have a good laugh.
Accepting that you will have to adjust your attitude somewhat to mesh with the person you live with should not come as a surprise. After all, you did the same thing with your parents and siblings, even though you may not have verbalized it as such. When you took something that belonged to your sister or when you made fun of her or her friends, you were showing signs of disrespect. There is a good chance you were reprimanded and perhaps even suffered some consequences of your behavior. Your parents might even have said to you, “This house is not yours and yours only,” or, “Those are your sister’s friends and they deserve your respect, as does your sister.” The old adage about treating those as you would like them to treat you holds true when it comes to respecting the person (or people) you room with. Think about how you want to be treated, and treat them, their belongings and life style in the same way.
KIM: Your roommate and you have the right to have your belongings, living environment, pursuit of an education, and life style mutually respected.
Talk to a university housing director, and she will give you a list of the most common complaints roommates have about each other that is universal, whether it is an East Coast, West Coast, private, or urban university. The commonalities have little to do with the university or college itself, but with the realities of living in a small space with other human beings who initially are strangers. We will examine each of these in detail in the following chapter, but here is the list, in no particular order:
• Different sleep and study habits
• Hygiene (or lack thereof)
• Cleanliness
• Respect for others’ belongings
• Substance use
• Mental health issues
• Differences in cultural background, sexual orientation, and religious beliefs
• Room temperature (battles over thermostat)
• Noise levels
Here are two insightful tips gleamed from experienced resident assistants when it comes to potential roommate conflict:
• If you end up with a roommate who leads a wild existence and could care less about getting a college education, be assertive. Move into an honors dorm or get on a waiting list for a single. One of the biggest conflicts I have seen and heard about is when two people are completely mismatched when it comes to study habits. You may have a computer science major who is serious about his chosen path rooming with an undeclared freshman who has no intention of declaring a major anytime soon because partying is just too much fun. Take the lead and create change on your own.
• If you find yourself with a new roommate every semester, take a good, deep look at yourself. Maybe you are the problem. Maybe you are difficult to live with and always blame the other person. Think about a thread to the reasons roommates moved out. Did they share anything with you that leads you to believe you have to change some things and be more flexible? If you are the one moving from dorm to dorm, perhaps you have set up unrealistic expectations of what a roommate relationship is like. If you are looking for the perfect relationship and someone who matches your personality to a “T,” you are no more likely to find it on a college campus than in real life.
KIM: You will, at some point during your tenure as a college student, have a complaint about your college roommate. Many complaints can be easily dealt with by having an immediate conversation rather than assuming the problem will go away on its own. Communication is the key to a successful roommate experience.
Sometimes, yes, other times, no way. If you and your roommate have similar schedules, are both neat (or sloppy) but have different majors, interests, and friends, that could be the formula for a successful relationship. Think about it: you have the same friends, like the same music, share interests, and are spending a lot of time together. The result? Friendship burn out is one. Another common problem is that a third party comes along, such as a girlfriend or new “best friend.” Jennifer, a third-year student at the University of Delaware, told me that she immediately clicked with her roommate freshman year. They felt like they were playing the roles of the twins in the movie, “The Parent Trap,” constantly discovering similarities in their lives and life styles. At first, this seemed like a plus. Then Jennifer joined a sorority in her second semester and her roommate became jealous and accused Jennifer of abandoning their friendship when in reality, Jennifer was just hanging out with new people and spending more time away from her dorm room. She never had a plan to change who she was and could keep her friendships separate. Even while she was exploring new relationships through her sorority, she still enjoyed spending time with her roommate. It was her roommate who needed reassurance that Jennifer was still “the same old Jennifer.”
If you embellished a bit on the roommate-preference forms and portrayed yourself as the complete opposite of who you really are, does it matter? Are you the type of person who does not see a problem with stashing stale pizza crusts under your bed but noted on the form that you are tidy and neat? Or are you tidy and neat, noted that on the form, but end up matched with a roommate who leaves nail clippings in the sink and only does his laundry when he has run out of clean underwear? Some students think that if they lie about being tidy, when they have never set foot in the same room as a vacuum cleaner, they will get matched with someone who cleans up for both of them just to avoid living in a swamp.
We are attracted to people because they possess personality traits or talents that we covet. If it is difficult for you to mingle at a social event where you do not know anyone, you may well gravitate toward people who can walk into a room full of strangers and make small talk. It is also possible that you could acquire that particular trait by spending time with people who are naturally outgoing, just as it is possible you could pick up someone’s accent by default because you are around him or her every day. There can be positive attributes to being around someone with opposite personality traits.
But if the clash is deeply rooted, based on such things as religious beliefs or political views, and these issues surface on a regular basis, you will not be able to resolve these differences. Someone can hold deep religious beliefs and keep them private, or someone can discuss their beliefs at every opportunity. There is a big difference, and that difference can make or break a successful roommate relationship. If you find yourself at the end of your roommate’s personality spectrum, and it is causing ongoing disruption in your daily life, seek out your RD for help. Your roommate may be feeling the same way. A move is necessary to ensure academics are the focus of your college experience, rather than roommate conflict.
KIM: Opposite personalities, life styles, and backgrounds can teach you about a way of life different from your own, expand personal growth, and help develop new friendships.
It is move-in day. You may find that your parents have the urge to panic because they have been raising you for the last 18 years. It can be difficult for them to let you move into the next phase of your life. Reassure them not to worry (they will anyway). Tell them that you will be among new peers and will have the opportunity to make new friends (some they will love and some they will hate). Deep in their hearts, they know that they have to let you go, but even so, this can be difficult for them. To see it from their perspective: They have always been there to hold your hand and protect you from the evils of the world. Now, they have to trust you to make those decisions, and that can be scary because they do not want anything bad happening to you.
You are most likely experiencing many emotions at once. You may want to be close to home but push your parents away at the same time. While you may be sad about leaving the home you have known for 18 years, you will also be excited about new adventures and opportunities. You may want reassurance that your parents will always be there for you, but independence calls. You will likely “brush-off” your parents at your college orientation after you arrive and move in your dorm, and this may make them feel hurt and alone. Remember that they will likely be sad and may take their time leaving. This is a new experience for them also.
Your parents will likely want to be involved with your college career, after all, they are the ones most likely paying tuition and should have some say in your education. However, they should not be making every decision in your life. You may have to compromise with them on some things, but remember that you are your own person and capable of making decisions, too. While your dad may really want you to be a doctor, that might not be the right course for you. Explain to him why you would excel at being a teacher and why pre-med is not the major for you.
I spoke with several housing directors who told me horror stories of parents choosing courses, researching potential roommates online, and visiting dorms before their child was even accepted at that university. Some completed all the paperwork on their child’s behalf. Let your parents know that this is a disservice to you because they are not letting you take responsibility and learn to deal with the college experience.
Check the Web site of the university you are attending. Many have dedicated portions of the student-housing or orientation pages to parents, offering tips on contact information, getting adjusted to life on campus, and defining a parent’s role when conflict with a roommate arises. Directing your parents to these pages may reassure them and help them help you.
Your parents may call the university during your tenure and try to get more information about you. This could be because they feel you have grown apart from them or that you are not telling them everything. They may call to try to get various types of information, such as your academic, medical, and mental-health records. Often, parents feel that they have the right to do this, especially if they are the ones paying your tuition.
However, there are federal mandates in place to protect your rights. After all, FERPA, the Family Educational Rights Protection Act, gave them the right to inspect these records up until you turned 18 years old. However, when you turned 18, these rights were then transferred to you.
KIM: Your parents may think they have every right to see and know about your academic, medical, and mental-health records while you are in college, especially if they are paying tuition. However, there are federal mandates that protect the rights of college students – even against their parents.
While your parents cannot obtain your records from your college, the school can tell them director information, which contains your name, address, phone number, dates of attendance, honors and awards, and date and place of birth. While you may not think this is a lot of information, your parents can learn a great deal about you this way. For one, if you dropped out, they will easily know. Also, they can see if you were on the Dean’s list. This may not seem of a particular interest to you, but consider this: To get on the Dean’s list, you need at least a 3.0 GPA. You made a C in a class one semester, causing your GPA to drop under a 3.0. They will know you made a bad grade, even though they will not know what the grade was or the class you made it in. They can start assuming multiple scenarios about you, all of which may be worse than the actual situation, such as you failed a class, or multiple classes.
Case in point, you need to be honest with your parents. They are concerned and in a new situation, just like you. They love you and want to know what is going on in your life. Make sure to include them and give them updates about what is going on in your life. Sit down and discuss your life with them, whether things are positive or negative. This will make them happy that you are communicating with them, and it will likely relieve stress for both you and your parents.
“Mom, Dad, I know it seems like I’ve been distant lately, but I want you to know that everything in my life is fine. I’ve been elected Treasurer of the student body and I’m making A’s and B’s this semester.”
“Mom, Dad, I want you to know that I’ve really been struggling in English. I’ve tried to get help, but I think I might fail the class. Don’t worry, I will be able to retake the course next semester and will work my schedule to devote more time to the course since I know it will give me trouble.”
“Mom, Dad, things have been really busy for me, but college is great. I’m having a lot of fun meeting new people and trying new activities. I joined a sorority and the girls are wonderful. They’ve really helped me get adjusted to the college life.”
“Mom, Dad, I’ve changed my major to journalism. I couldn’t handle the pressure of all the chemistry classes I had to take to be pre-med, and my English instructor told me that I have a gift for writing. I want to use that gift to share information with people and tell them what is going on in the world.”
To: |
Mom and Dad |
From: |
Your loving child |
Re: |
Top Ten Tips on What You Should Not Think, Act Upon, or Believe During My First Semester at College |
#1 |
Do not call me on my cell phone every hour, leave messages, and then worry I’ve been kidnapped by aliens because your calls are not immediately returned. |
#2 |
Voice mail is history. Everyone text messages these days. |
#3 |
Do not text message me every hour. See #1 above. |
#4 |
I will not have sex, take drugs, and drink while naked on the roof of my dorm, no matter what Uncle Matt tells you. Anyway, you should be enjoying your new-found freedom by converting my room into the yoga studio you always wanted. |
#5 |
Do not grill my roommate on my whereabouts, behavior, or social life. |
#6 |
That’s because I want to be liked and make friends. |
#7 |
If you don’t respect #5 and #6, I’ll end up living on the streets or back at home in my old room that you converted to a yoga studio. |
#8 |
You know how a helicopter hovers over something, staying up there in the air for a really long time? Just wanted to be certain you understood the definition of “helicopter.” |
#9 |
I promise you will never see me in a “Girls Gone Wild” video, no matter how much cash or tequila the producers throw at me. |
#10 |
I love you. |
Resident directors, assistants, and hall staff are there to make your experience as positive as they can. While they are obligated to follow and implement policies and guidelines (many of which they helped to develop) they are there to assist you, answer questions and, most of all, ensure your safety and well-being while living in their dorm. Talk to them about conflict. Not only do they have experience as a college roommate, but they live in your dorm and have firsthand experience with conflict and common issues. Take advantage of their expertise and think of them as a valuable resource. Do not go to hall mates first and discuss the problem. That is unfair to your roommate and can make the situation worse.
The housing staff that lives in your residence hall may have different titles but share the responsibilities of overseeing day-to-day operations. Resident directors, “RDs,” supervise other staff and are responsible for life within your residence community, overseeing matters related to facilities, and assisting residents when there is a problem. Directors hold either a master’s degree or are pursuing a graduate degree. They are supervised by someone who works directly within the housing office and who has professional experience in residence-hall management.
RDs monitor activities and events taking place within your residence hall and enforce the code of conduct. Directors also supervise the resident assistants, or RAs, those individuals who live on each floor. Assistant area coordinators and area coordinators are also full-time, live-in professional staff members in supervisory positions. They are all a valuable resource for students. They know the campus inside out and can help get you acclimated and find your way, both as a student and resident of the university community.
Desk assistants are student workers who man the 24-hour front desks and are responsible for checking ID cards, signing in guests, and answering phones. When there is a 3 a.m. emergency, this is the person you would call or go to. Some universities also have resident-hall governments, which are organizations that encourage students to apply leadership skills and develop a productive and active community environment in the dorm.
You should only take a problem beyond the dorm staff when they have not been able to offer a viable solution. This would mean going to the director of housing or the vice president for student affairs.
KIM: The dorm staff is there to make your time on campus as problem-free as possible, yet they are trained in conflict resolution and are well versed with the complex issues facing college students.
Although the higher level of dorm staff, including the RD and RA, are trained in emergency protocol and recognizing serious mental-health and medical concerns, they are not trained as professional doctors or counselors. As you will read later on, there are myriad mental-health issues facing today’s college students, many of which can be debilitating, life threatening, and disruptive to your daily life. While the dorm staff is always a good place to start should your roommate display signs of depression, an eating disorder, or substance abuse, seeking their advice may put you in compromising position, especially if the matter could result in your roommate’s expulsion or her knowledge that you have breached her trust.
Student health and student counseling services are good starting places to get information to better educate yourself on a roommate’s situation, if it is above and beyond the day-to-day annoyances that are bound to arise. A trusted professor can also provide not only advice, but direction on how to help a roommate in a crisis or one who cannot, for various reasons, help herself.
In the case of an emergency during which your safety or that of your roommate is of concern, the person staffing the front desk on a 24-hour basis is the first one to call. If that person cannot respond quickly enough, call campus security or 911.
KIM: Even though the dorm staff provides the first line of defense when there is a roommate problem or conflict, student health and counseling services or even a professor can also provide some valuable insight.