SIR – My initial reaction on reading your headline “Testing four-year-olds” was: “Aren’t they all?”
Chapel Allerton, Somerset
SIR – We are all aware of the sleep deprivation that young mothers suffer. I was therefore impressed by the wistful comment heard recently in our Community Centre: “When my two-year-old becomes a stroppy teenager I am going to wake him up at four in the morning to tell him that one of my socks has come off.”
Gloucester
SIR – During the usual “career choice” sessions at school, our youngest sister, in a moment of teenaged parent-baiting, announced to her patient father that she thought prostitution might be a lucrative career.
Our darling father didn’t flinch, replying that he really didn’t mind what she decided to do with her life, as long as she was happy and had a good pension plan.
Ware, Hertfordshire
SIR – My family joined me at the weekend to celebrate my birthday. We were playing some traditional party games when my six-year-old grandson jumped up and exclaimed, “This is almost fun.”
I hope I live to hear him make the same comment, omitting the “almost”.
Knowle, West Midlands
SIR – I was delighted to receive today the following letter from my ten-year-old grandson: “Thank you for my remote control car. It is really cool and it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t work.”
Devizes, Wiltshire
SIR – Thank goodness one is not expected to write a thank-you letter to one’s husband. I would definitely have struggled to write one on receiving, some years ago, a set of blue car headlamps and a twin-tone horn.
Andover, Hampshire
SIR – My eight-year-old granddaughter may have shown a degree of prescience beyond her years when she was recently heard to say that first there is childhood, then the teenage years and finally adultery.
Great Yarmouth, Norfolk
SIR – Perhaps I should forget Tinder, internet dating or more recently Love in the Countryside: it would seem all the men are down at the tip. The queue was 40-deep on Saturday.
Girls, you’ll have to be up early though to catch these worms as it was at eight o’clock in the morning.
Hurst, Berkshire
SIR – “Regular sex boosts the memory of over-fifties”, says your headline.
I had intended to show this report to my wife. I forgot.
Braunton, Devon
SIR – I was born in 1930 and my only sibling, my brother, was born in 1913.
Did my mother have the longest headache known to medical science or did my father get his memory back?
St Agnes, Cornwall
SIR – Scientists have found that sex and sleep are the keys to real happiness. Presumably not at the same time?
Marlbrook, Worcestershire
SIR – I note that the current birth rate is falling. Would this be connected with the relative unattractiveness of the male of the species by virtue of the mass of body paintings they now sport?
Tytherington, Cheshire
SIR – I would be delighted if the hairstyle known as “Meet me at McDonald’s” was banned, not just by schools but by the government. It would stop me having to peer at groups of lanky male youths to see which one, if any, is my nephew.
Extending the ban to the words sweet, legend and sick might even win my vote.
Stanningfield, Suffolk
SIR – Occasionally my late husband would shave off his beard at the start of a holiday so that the children and I could see what he really looked like.
Our joint opinion was always the same and, after the two-week break, he would return to work supporting a handsome and dignified growth.
Orpington, Kent
SIR – My very bald grandfather was a dignified and loyal man, but changed his barber after many years following this exchange.
Grandfather (being invited to the chair): “Shall I take my coat off?”
Barber: “You don’t really need to take your hat off.”
Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex
SIR – I overheard the following exchange in a supermarket queue some years ago.
Mother to daughter: “I need some new black shoes.”
Daughter: “But you’ve got some black shoes, Mother.”
“Yes, but your Uncle Arthur’s very ill.”
Felbridge, Surrey
SIR – If sunglasses are now being used for their intended purpose, instead of as hair bands, is it too much to hope that caps may soon start to be worn the right way round?
Penshurst, Kent
SIR – My wife is unimpressed by camouflage trousers because, as she rightly points out, they are still easily recognisable as trousers.
Pyrford, Surrey
SIR – Why in recent years have men’s trouser zips been shortened from eight inches to six inches? It is very inconvenient.
Ashtead, Surrey
SIR – Judith Woods writes in her column that, when camping with her husband, “his tent erection is as strong and stable as anything decreed by Kubla Khan”. Even during our honeymoon under canvas in Scotland my own wife has never been as complimentary.
Thirsk, North Yorkshire
SIR – We have just returned from a night away and for the second time I discovered that, while our hotel bed was luxuriously comfortable, it was too high off the floor. The only way I succeeded in getting onto the bed was in a most undignified fashion with my husband pushing my posterior and catapulting me into the air so I landed spread-eagled like a stranded whale.
If hotels are determined to pursue this high-bed culture, I feel they should provide either a trampoline or a vaulting pole.
Yateley, Hampshire
SIR – Why are hotel rooms so full of unnecessary cushions? On a recent visit to an Oxfordshire hotel I counted no fewer than seven piled up on the bed like a mini mountain range.
Walberton, West Sussex
SIR – There should be a tight corner in hell reserved for the designers of duvet covers with very small openings.
As an American friend of mine once put it, it’s like trying to push 2lbs of melted butter up a wildcat’s rear end with a red-hot gimlet.
Tadworth, Surrey
SIR – I was highly amused by your recent article about handling the father-in-law from hell. Fortunately my husband seems to have a very good relationship with his future son-in-law, and when they recently moved into a new property, my husband went over to help with some DIY.
Struggling with a screw fitting, my husband asked if he had any lubricant. Future son-in-law (English not being his first language) disappeared into the bedroom and came back a few minutes later proffering a tube of KY jelly.
Husband politely declined and suggested olive oil instead.
Watford, Hertfordshire
SIR – My father used to say that when an Englishman drank too much he became mildly amorous and very boring. After the furore of the Presidents Club, it looks as if they will have to make do with the latter.
Bishops Caundle, Dorset
SIR – At the risk of being vilified, I feel it should also be noted that drunken women in a similar scenario are not much better. I have witnessed alcohol-fuelled hen parties doing much the same to male waiters; on one particular occasion one poor chap was chased on to a table and denuded by a phalanx of baying women.
The remaining waiters locked themselves in the kitchen until the venue had been cleared.
Hillmorton, Warwickshire
SIR – And to cap it all, the apostrophe had been omitted from the club’s name.
Bradford-on-Avon, Wiltshire
SIR – I wonder what Mae West, with her aphorism “Better to be looked over than to be overlooked”, would have made of the #MeToo movement?
Bampton, Devon
SIR – You can imagine my dismay many years ago when my wonderful 65-year-old secretary asked if she could have a private word with me, a young managing director, about sexual harassment.
After sitting down in my office she said: “Yes, I’m not getting enough of it.”
Hungerford, Berkshire
SIR – The only positive aspect to the ban on wolf whistling is that I can tell myself that its illegality is the reason I no longer attract such attention.
Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex
SIR – When I was in the Air Force, in the 1950s, one of the girls in our billet had a date with an airman at the camp cinema. An hour later she came storming back in. We asked her what had happened.
“He lobbed his thing into my hand so I stubbed my cigarette out on it. He won’t do that again.”
Changed days.
Prestwick, Ayrshire
SIR – When I left school to go to college in the late 1950s, my grandmother, who was born in 1876, advised me to carry a hatpin in my handbag. The pin was quite a common accessory at that time, judging by the number of yelps one heard when visiting the cinema.
Mollington, Cheshire
SIR – When growing up, I was told that it was bad manners to walk around with one’s hands in one’s pockets. However, it would seem that this is now the safest option for us men.
Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex
SIR – I was somewhat nonplussed by the seemingly over-familiar presence of the lady immediately behind me in the bus queue on a recent visit to Majorca. It was only later that I realised her accomplice had removed my wallet from the side-pocket of my shorts.
Eastbourne, East Sussex
SIR – My wife, squeezing between tables at our bridge club, apologised when she brushed accidentally against an elderly, retired Perthshire farmer.
He replied: “It’s a’richt, lassie. The spirit is willing, but the engine’s buggered.”
Perth
SIR – Hopefully the current furore regarding inappropriate sexual contact will signal an end to the awkward continental habit of intrusive social kissing and a welcome return to the safe British handshake.
Kineton, Warwickshire
SIR – What a fuss about how to display children’s clothes. Why not call the rails “clothes often chosen by boys” and “clothes often chosen by girls”. That should keep everyone happy.
Tanworth-in-Arden, Warwickshire
SIR – Kilts are the answer for all.
Cranleigh, Surrey
SIR – It is with great shock I read that Marks & Spencer is to shut 100 stores by 2022. Where is middle England to buy its underwear? Or can we expect the inhibited Brits to “go commando”?
Claygate, Surrey
SIR – I notice in a local Marks & Spencer that there were many styles of jeans labelled Straight, but none marked LGBT. A missed opportunity, perhaps?
Rushmere St Andrew, Suffolk
SIR – A lengthy visit to the lavatories in a trendy modern cinema complex gave me time to reflect on the current debate on gender-neutral facilities. Along with a dozen or so fellow queue-ers of various genders, I waited for one of five cubicles to become available, there being no urinals at all in the building.
Surely the most sensible, efficient (and gender-neutral) method would be to have doors labelled “urinals” and “cubicles”. Individuals able to conduct their business while standing would use the former; anyone wishing or needing to sit down, the latter.
Pontefract, West Yorkshire
SIR – I cannot understand the controversy over “gender-neutral lavatories” since they are to be found in every home in the country.
Gateshead, Tyne and Wear
SIR – I am appalled at the news that there are fewer women CEOs than CEOs called Dave. This is clearly discriminatory against not only female executives but also all men who don’t have the good fortune to be called Dave.
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
SIR – If women are able to do the same job as men for less salary it begs the question: why employ men at all?
Bradninch, Devon
SIR – Regarding the role of men and women, I believe that my dear Grandfather Joe may have been well ahead of the game.
On learning that his wife Annie was feeling unwell he magnanimously observed: “Well, if you are not feeling better by teatime, I’ll give you a hand with the washing up.”
Thatcham, Berkshire
SIR – Your article on circumcision reminded me of a story told by a girlfriend many years ago. Her fellow students at a convent school had discovered that a biblical passage referring to foreskins would be used in a forthcoming lesson.
Accordingly, a selected girl raised her hand and asked: “Please, Sister Francis, what are foreskins?”
Without batting an eyelid, the young nun replied, “Why, the skin from their forehead, of course” – and calmly carried on.
Soberton, Hampshire
SIR – My four-year-old daughter asked me why boys stood up to pee. Deciding she was probably ready for some basic anatomy, I asked her what little boys had that little girls didn’t have. She thought about it for a few seconds, and then said: “Action Man?”
Liskeard, Cornwall
SIR – Some years ago, the church in south London where I sang removed some Victorian pews and moved them to the back of the church where they formed a “benched off” area for a creche. This became known as the King Herod Memorial Corner.
Alderney, Guernsey
SIR – When our daughter was going through the “terrible twos”, I asked our vicar if he could administer a “booster” baptism, as the first one hadn’t taken. Sadly, he thought I was being serious.
Bosham, West Sussex
SIR – I have just received a guarantee for a new garage roof that excludes acts of God. I find this phrase somewhat anachronistic and I am sure that a more rigorous term could be devised.
After all, atheists would deny that there was any such thing, while fundamentalists would hold that even a light drizzle is an act of God.
Heaton Moor, Cheshire
SIR – Further to the letter regarding the “Knit & Natter” sessions introduced into her local library, our local church has had a similar group for several years now, universally known as “Stitch & Bitch”.
South Croydon, Surrey
SIR – As a church organist I have often had to play for a long time while awaiting a bride. My record is 45 minutes. When I was in the Philippines, I knew of a priest who always began the wedding service on time, whether the bride was present or not.
Eastbourne, East Sussex
SIR – My husband and I exchanged rings 56 years ago. The vicar had no idea what to do: after my husband had endowed me with all his worldly goods I had to repeat the same promise, thus giving them all back to him. He reminds me from time to time.
Littleover, Derbyshire
SIR – So many of my excellent suggestions and ideas are met with my wife’s response: “Over my dead body”.
When she dies, I am going to have her cremated. Her ashes will be put in a Royal Navy brass shell case from the Great War, which currently contains the poker and brush in the drawing-room hearth. This will be sealed and lowered into a recess that I will dig on the threshold of the back door.
Each time I leave the house it will be over her dead body. Everything will then be possible.
Lichfield, Staffordshire
SIR – Inspired by universities appointing safe-space marshals, I decided to declare the living room a safe space where my wife was no longer allowed to insult me. Having informed her of this new arrangement, she called me a cretinous buffoon.
Is there a safe-space regulatory body, or does this count as a hate crime I can refer to the police?
St Albans, Hertfordshire
SIR – A measure of one’s age used to be that policemen looked so young. That’s not so easy now given that one seldom sees the police.
What I’ve noticed as I’ve got older is that the actors in Funeral Plan advertisements look like mere youngsters.
Woodford Green, Essex
SIR – Getting old is when your grandchild looks at your wife’s loyal kitchen gadget and says: “That is quite an antique; it could be worth a lot of money.”
Clee St Margaret, Shropshire
SIR – Would you kindly stop telling those of us who live alone that we are lonely.
It is making us feel lonely.
Whitchurch by Tavistock, Devon
SIR – Will Tracey Crouch, the new Minister For Loneliness, be given departmental staff, or will she have to face the job alone?
Herne Bay, Kent
SIR – On a Royal British Legion tour abroad it seemed to be agreed by women of a certain age that the biggest catch is not a man with good looks, nor with brains or even with money, but a man who had a car and was still driving.
Exeter
SIR – I do so look forward to the day when I’m told that I look too young to travel on my Senior Railcard.
Binsted, Hampshire
SIR – For years now I have been living in the diminishing hope that a shopkeeper would require some identification to prove my age when purchasing a bottle of wine.
That hope has now been finally extinguished when my barber asked whether I was entitled to the OAP discount.
Downhill from now on, then.
Standford, Hampshire
SIR – I am currently 70 years old and am still managing occasionally to “trip up” coming out of the pub. At what age do I describe such an episode as “having had a fall”?
Stretton, Shropshire
SIR – I can only concur with the research undertaken by Oxford University into the beneficial sound of a cork being drawn from a bottle of wine. On many occasions my wife and I have described this as “the happy thuck”.
Campsea Ashe, Suffolk
SIR – My bottle of wine tonight stated: “Best enjoyed young and cold”. But I am old and hot: what shall I do?
Ramsbottom, Lancashire
SIR – I’ve just bought a box of wine from a major supermarket on which is the sticker: “Lasts for six weeks from opening”.
I only wish that were possible.
Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire
SIR – I read that I need to reduce my alcohol intake. Having just retired I was looking forward to my regular 5pm tipple. May my wife transfer her 14 units to me, given that she is teetotal?
Steeple Ashton, Wiltshire
SIR – If drinking six glasses of wine a week knocks two years off your life, I must already be dead.
Frant, East Sussex
SIR – As Winston Churchill clearly knew, and lived long to prove it: alcohol is a preservative.
Herne Bay, Kent
SIR – I see you have stopped reviewing beer in the Saturday edition. Can it be because the ridiculous modern trend of massively overdoing the hop has exhausted your stock of phrases to describe something that tastes like it has come out of the wrong end of a cat?
London W13
SIR – I have it on the authority of my son, who was deployed to the South Atlantic guard ship as an RNR officer, that gin and tonic is not the same unless made with ice chipped from a glacier on South Georgia.
Malvern, Worcestershire
SIR – I wonder how many people guffawed when it was reported that airport operators say they sell alcohol responsibly. Whenever I fly from Manchester, it’s nearly always before breakfast, but even then it feels like I’ve been transported into one of the seamier Hogarth paintings.
Carnforth, Lancashire
SIR – I have always looked at knitting bags with the utmost suspicion since my grandmother declared that a cylindrical one was the ideal hiding place for a bottle of whisky. She made this discovery while staying in a hotel that had no licence.
Long Marston, Hertfordshire
SIR – What is this nonsense about Dry Januarys and now Sober Octobers? I abstain for half the year: I never touch a drop between midnight and midday.
Emsworth, Hampshire
SIR – Shortly after Christmas my partner and I were told that, every time someone chose to have a “Dry January”, somewhere in the world a barman died.
On that, we decided upon a Moist January with occasional damp patches.
Ruan Minor, Cornwall
SIR – Given the admission by Keith Richards in your interview that he has recently given up drink and drugs, perhaps the current downturn in the weather is in fact hell freezing over.
Castel, Guernsey
SIR – Even though the weather in February was atrocious our milkman still delivered the milk.
Perhaps the dairy should bid to run a rail franchise.
Great Linford, Buckinghamshire
SIR – Our milk was also delivered on time as usual. We did, however, have to put it in the fridge to thaw it out.
Chobham, Surrey
SIR – I have found a use for the rubber bands discarded by Royal Mail.
A couple of bands slipped over the widest part of each shoe gives a little more grip when stepping out these frosty mornings to collect The Daily Telegraph.
Syston, Leicestershire
SIR – While driving in a blizzard through Leeds city centre, I witnessed a traffic warden brushing the snow off the windscreen of an abandoned car and placing a parking ticket behind the wiper. I hope the recipient tore it up.
Little Bytham, Lincolnshire
SIR – Listening to Radio 4, I was pleased to hear a school mistress defending a pupil’s right to throw snowballs against a school master who had banned the annual fun. Then she spoilt it all by saying she preferred to build a “snow person”.
Heaven help us all.
Chesterfield, Derbyshire
SIR – Having donned my arctic gear in order to go to the supermarket I called at my elderly neighbour’s house to ask if anything was required.
“200 cigarettes, a bag of toffees and next week’s TV guide,” came the reply.
Maidenhead, Berkshire
SIR – I visited my local supermarket this weekend for the first time since reports that the great British public has been panic buying for essentials in the bad weather.
Sure enough, many shelves had been picked bare. Bread? Fine. Chicken? Okay. Bottled water? Sensible. But strawberries? Is irony finally dead?
Hasketon, Suffolk
SIR – My husband’s only concession to the present cold temperatures was to dig a path from the utility back door to the various dustbins, in order that I could get there more easily.
I very much appreciated his kindness.
St Ives, Cambridgeshire
SIR – Could the Met Office issue me with a wind chill factor for my wife’s hands and feet at bedtime?
Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex
SIR – The travelling difficulties associated with February’s bad weather led many to heed the authorities’ advice to work from home. This has led to a new word in our house: gumfing (getting under my feet).
Thames Ditton, Surrey
SIR – Now that the snow is thawing, will the drivers of 4 × 4s stop looking so smug and superior?
Broseley, Shropshire
SIR – Spring must be on its way. The sun is streaming through an open window and faintly in the distance I can hear my first angle grinder.
Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire
SIR – In early March I go into the garden, catch hold of winter by the throat and ritually strangle it. The incantation I chant at the same time is unprintable but effective.
Quorn, Leicestershire
SIR – After the last few summers that we’ve endured, isn’t it a refreshing change to grumble about the heat?
Caerphilly, Glamorgan
SIR – In the drought of 1976, South West Water Authority suggested that its customers “shower with a friend”. When will the Environment Agency ask us to “blush not flush”?
Great Shelford, Cambridgeshire
SIR – This summer is no match yet for that of 1976. My wife and I were married on 28 August that year, after nearly three months with no rain. We had Handel’s Water Music played at our wedding and, sure enough, it rained right on cue.
The vicar had ammunition for at least three sermons in the following weeks.
Colemans Hatch, East Sussex
SIR – In the summer of 1976 we recycled every drop we could, including using bath water to irrigate the vegetables.
We had a bumper crop of healthy, succulent cucumbers, but we couldn’t eat any of them. They all tasted of Lifebuoy soap.
Foxton, Cambridgeshire
SIR – Following the last hose-pipe ban, my local pub posted a notice outside which read: “Owing to water shortages, beer will now be served only at full strength.”
Storrington, West Sussex
SIR – How many times must I refrain from running the tap while cleaning my teeth in order to save enough water to fill my neighbour’s swimming pool?
Chudleigh, Devon
SIR – If the Met Office is thinking of adopting local dialects to describe degrees of rain, they could do worse than the slang we used when we lived in Cork.
1: Soft (Misty); 2: Spitting (Light spots); 3: Squally (Rainy and windy); 4: Pissing (A regular shower); 5: Flogging (Heavyish rain); 6: Lashing (Very heavy rain); 7: Bull rain (You wouldn’t put a dog out in it); 8: Bucketing (Holy Mother of God); 9: Pelting (By the Lord Harry); 10: Milling out of the Heavens (It Must Be August).
Tadworth, Surrey
SIR – Here in South Lincolnshire we have had a lazy wind. It would rather go through you than round you.
Cowbit, Lincolnshire
SIR – I yearn for the return of those weather maps of yesteryear with their distinct isobars, warm fronts and the occasional “occluded thingy”.
Stony Stratford, Buckinghamshire
SIR – I store vast amount of data, including personal details, images and unverified information on other people, in a supercomputer called “brain”.
While usually secure, it has been known to inadvertently share information when hacked via the “alcohol” malware.
I have not informed all of the people whose data I hold.
This data is intended to be stored on a lifetime basis.
All data will be destroyed at some unknown future date.
Please advise me how I would proceed under the General Data Protection Regulation.
Chippenham, Wiltshire
SIR – While giving a lift to my nephew the other day I asked him about his taste in music. He gave a shrug and said that he streamed his music from Spotify. He then revealed that, on International Women’s Day, Spotify had messaged him to say that he wasn’t listening to much music from female artists. Spotify had monitored his listening and sent him a score.
I look forward to my credit card telling me that I spend too much on alcohol, and my electricity supplier telling me that I am staying up too late for my health.
Littlehampton, West Sussex
SIR – Given the furore over the possible misuse of Facebook personal data, perhaps now is the time to give some publicity to the little known Hereford Quill Pen Society which aims to take us back 200 years.
For a modest fee members are issued with a quill pen, and a small club hammer with which to smash any piece of electronic equipment with which they come into contact.
Madley, Herefordshire
SIR – I have received a “permission to hold my data” GDPR email from a funeral company of which I have never heard, in which they told me that I was a “valued customer”.
I am wondering who has been masquerading as me – or whether I have actually used their services and now exist in a reincarnated form.
There is hope yet for an afterlife.
Chalfont St Giles, Buckinghamshire
SIR – Royal Mail is encouraging businesses to use unaddressed mail to get round new EU laws. I intend to stop putting junk mail in my recycling bin and instead use the bright red one at the end of the street which the Post Office has kindly provided.
Orrell, Lancashire
SIR – My late father dealt with junk mail by endorsing each item with a clip-art style image of two fingers making the V sign, above a seven-letter caption which both started and finished with the letter F.
Then he posted it back.
Billericay, Essex
SIR – Among the many emails sent to me about the GDPR, one of the more confusing is from an IT company which advises me: “If in doubt contact us immodestly.”
London SW11
SIR – Having just purchased my first smartphone at the age of 76, I now understand why everyone is walking around staring at their phones.
They are trying to understand them.
Christchurch, Dorset
SIR – I see that WhatsApp is down. I wonder how many people will suddenly find out that their handheld devices can also make phone calls.
Castle Rising, Norfolk
SIR – I need to be very careful in the kitchen when using my iPad Pro tablet.
It’s identical in size to our kitchen scales.
Chadbury, Worcestershire
SIR – With all the advanced technology in this world, how is it that, as usual, I have cut my thumb when opening a tin of corned beef?
Sheffield
SIR – With the demise of the Yellow Pages, how will strong men or women demonstrate their strength now?
Lastingham, North Yorkshire
SIR – My smart meter is so secure that even my electricity supplier cannot get information out of it.
Kingsdown, Kent
SIR – Front-page headline of The Daily Telegraph: “‘Smart homes’ will tell you to get off the sofa”.
I don’t need a “smart home” to tell me that – I already have a wife.
Stamford, Lincolnshire
SIR – It is often observed that pets and their owners become alike over the years. Could the same be said for computers? Ours is dictatorial and slow.
Ilfracombe, Devon
SIR – In light of my husband’s craving for North Korea’s superior broadband service, I have unselfishly suggested he relocate.
Caldy, Wirral
SIR – One of my son’s early habits was to call all phones “Daddy”. I may have been working too hard at the time.
London E1
SIR – My wife received an Amazon Echo for Christmas and we have found it to be interesting and enjoyable to use.
We have noticed lately, however, that Alexa has started to interject in conversations with her own advice and, whether or not she is becoming hard of hearing or plainly disobedient, she is refusing commands to “stop”.
Should I be worried that this is the beginning of a robot takeover?
Thames Ditton, Surrey
SIR – When robots go on strike, will humans do their work?
Pinner, Middlesex
SIR – As I tackle the annual task of writing my Christmas cards to relatives and friends, I like to add random salutations on the envelopes: Sir, Lady, MBA, OBE, Brexiteer etc.
I feel it brings a little Christmas cheer to those who carry the cards on their journey and to those who finally receive them.
Gustard Wood, Hertfordshire
SIR – Our daughter’s Christmas card reached us on 9 January from London, having been posted and postmarked on 12 December. By my calculation that exactly matches the speed of a sloth, at 0.15mph.
I wonder if Royal Mail could save money by using these very attractive animals to carry our post without any loss of efficiency.
Claverdon, Warwickshire
SIR – I have profound sympathy for the poor dolphins, sharks, tuna etc. that become entangled in abandoned filament netting, having required urgent help to unravel myself from similar material encasing our recently delivered Christmas tree.
Churchill, Oxfordshire
SIR – For me the first manifestation of the miracle of Christmas is when last year’s lights instantly work.
Presteigne, Powys
SIR – You quote a Wiccan student objecting to a proposed Solstice Event at Cambridge, as it is “using a holiday I celebrate with religious conviction as merely the theme for a party”.
I know how she feels – every Christmas.
Tenterden, Kent
SIR – I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas alone again this year. There is only one problem: how do you pull a Christmas cracker on your own without cheating?
Wallington, Surrey
SIR – I suggest that the drone shooting season should start a few days after Christmas. They could be taken down, like the decorations, on (“The Glorious”) Twelfth Night.
Bathford, Somerset
SIR – One Christmas I decided to impress my congregation by hiring a donkey for the children’s Crib Service. After the ceremony the donkey was led to the church doorway for our final hymn. I thanked everyone for attending, then thanked the donkey, which brayed loudly before emptying its bowels.
It took some time before we could clear the contents away in order to release the congregation.
Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland
SIR – A £175 bill for taking my Springer Spaniel to the vets at 1am on Boxing Day. It had consumed an entire Yule Log.
Mollington, Cheshire
SIR – Five years ago, my son (then single) gave his sister’s first child a drum for her first Christmas. He followed this up with a xylophone the following year. I knew my daughter had not forgiven him.
This year my daughter gave my son’s first daughter an accordion for her first Christmas.
I am watching this escalating musical arms race with much enjoyment and will only intervene when the neighbours start complaining.
Hessle, East Yorkshire
SIR – After the surfeit of leaflets encouraging the purchase of festive food, Christmas seems officially over when the slimming leaflets start dropping through the door.
Midhurst, West Sussex
SIR – “Co-op sells out-of-date food for just 10p”, says your headline.
This isn’t news.
Our local Co-op has been selling out-of-date food for years, unintentionally and at full price.
Bourton, Wiltshire
SIR – The younger generation in my family hold up their hands in horror whenever they find items in my kitchen past their sell-by dates. They have yet to discover that last week they consumed a dish containing a tin of tomatoes with a sell-by date of 2002.
To my knowledge, they have all survived.
Clifton-upon-Teme, Worcestershire
SIR – If our children are brought up on grapes without pips, how will they learn to spit?
Congleton, Cheshire
SIR – The recent cold snap has provided the opportunity to investigate the darkest depths of the freezer. I found a haggis dated best before January 2008. Sadly I was forbidden to eat it but the dogs enjoyed it.
The blackbirds also enjoyed an unopened 20-year-old packet of shredded wheat.
Doddington, Kent
SIR – I wonder how your more germ-obsessive readers would have reacted to my experience a few weeks ago. I had just spread whipped cream over a chocolate roulade on the kitchen worktop prior to rolling it up when Agatha, my Siamese, came bounding in through the cat flap.
Finding her route to the kitchen sink, where she takes all her prey, impeded by the roulade, she dropped her mouse right in the middle of the cream.
I picked up the poor creature, still alive but smothered in cream, and transported it back out through the cat flap. I smoothed over the disturbed cream and completed the roulade, which was devoured at a family gathering amid much laughter after I had related the story.
My sister remarked that she hoped Agatha didn’t now expect all her mice to have cream on.
Llanfairynneubwll, Anglesey
SIR – As young boys my two sons had hamsters as pets and one morning we found one of them apparently dead in the bottom of its cage.
Trying to soften the blow for the children, I went to great lengths to explain that Hammy had gone to baby Jesus and would have lots of hamster friends in heaven. Together we made a coffin for the hamster and his toys. We chose and prepared a burial site in the garden but, as I carefully lifted the “body” out of its cage to place into the shoebox coffin, Hammy underwent what can only be described as a Lazarus moment, terrifying us out of our skins.
I wished I’d known sooner about hibernating hamsters.
Baildon, West Yorkshire
SIR – At a National Trust property I saw a sign stating: “Sorry, no dogs”.
There was no need to apologise; I wasn’t expecting any.
Bristol
SIR – Thank you so much for your very helpful article listing the UK’s 25 most dog-friendly pubs.
I shall keep it for reference of places to avoid at all costs.
Devizes, Wiltshire
SIR – In the pet foods aisle of a local Aldi I recently encountered a middle-class couple pushing a trolley full of food and alcohol. As they contemplated a display of dog treats the man said to his wife: “We can’t buy his food from here.”
Waterfoot, Lancashire
SIR – I have a bag full of different bags for life but am unsure of the correct protocols for their use. For example, my wife will not take an Aldi bag into Waitrose but will produce a Waitrose bag in Aldi.
A Sainsbury’s checkout lady regarded me with obvious disapproval when I used an Aldi bag but seemed to accept a Tesco bag without demur.
Manuden, Hertfordshire
SIR – How bizarre for GPs to suggest people combat depression by taking a stroll alongside their local canal.
One suspects that half an hour of staring at dead dogs, discarded tyres, dumped supermarket trolleys and other floating detritus could well be the final straw and result in many of the poor souls jumping in.
Ampthill, Bedfordshire
SIR – Further to the revelations about the Irwell being the most polluted river in the world, I recall that in the 1950s it was one of the few places where one could play “Pooh-sticks” with real poo. Simple pleasures in those days.
Chorley, Lancashire
SIR – Lavatory brushes are dreadful things. My wife bought one, which I used once before reverting to paper.
Lostock, Lancashire
SIR – Can I add my support to the campaign for real plates? I was once unfortunate enough to have my meal served on a ceramic tile which was of a design I have only ever seen in public lavatories.
Oldmeldrum, Aberdeenshire
SIR – Before plastic straws are banned make sure you have a supply for a brilliant way to hull strawberries. Push the straw straight up from the pointed end of the strawberry and the core and greenery will come away cleanly.
Epping, Essex
SIR – I cut up plastic straws to draw lots for our regular Monday tennis four. My partner always seems to draw the short straw. Would she have better luck with paper straws?
Sowley, Hampshire
SIR – Keep some straws in the DIY box for blowing debris out of drill holes without getting it back in your eye. Use the rest for table-top blow football and showing disbelieving children how you managed to hit the back of a teacher’s neck with a dried pea every time (wife at kitchen sink is a good substitute, albeit politically incorrect).
Matlock Bath, Derbyshire
SIR – Now that the order has gone out to ban plastic “stirrers”, I finally understand what those irritating and dangerous bits of plastic are for.
I had assumed that they were to slow consumption: after a few large gin and tonics they either went up your nose or in your eye and you couldn’t get at the drink at all.
Upton-upon-Severn, Worcestershire
SIR – Flower arrangers often resort to a discarded twig in the absence of a teaspoon.
Woodcote Green, Worcestershire
SIR – When calculators superseded slide rules in the 1970s, we research engineers were not universally impressed. You could not stir your tea with a calculator.
Countesthorpe, Leicestershire
SIR – Many moons ago I watched a colleague use the blunt end of a cheap Biro to stir his tea.
It seemed to work well, but the interesting trickle of blue ink seemed to put him quite off the tea.
Wantage, Oxfordshire
SIR – A Biro top is most efficient for cleaning ears.
Croydon, Surrey
SIR – I have a solution to the environmental damage caused by disposable coffee cups which was very effective in the past: have a cup of coffee at home before you go out.
Ball Hill, Berkshire
SIR – With all the talk about banning single-use plastics, how about adding the new plastic £5 and £10 notes to the list? I only use them once before they disappear from my wallet.
Bristol
SIR – We had a plumber in last week. When he asked for an old towel to mop up, I gave him a nappy. The child who last used it is now 48. How’s that for recycling?
Poulton-le-Fylde, Lancashire
SIR – My wife and I were recently assaulted by a huge cloud of noxious vapour in our local park. The gentleman, in reply to my complaint, said: “Vaping is not smoking therefore it is legal.”
I then farted upwind of him.
His face was a picture when I said farting was not smoking.
Gosport, Hampshire
SIR – One of my wife’s friends joined a running club then proceeded to run off with one of the members. As a result my wife wouldn’t allow me to join a running club. I mentioned joining a slimming club and asked if she would mind as I might be tempted to run off with a fat lass. She didn’t.
I trudged off to my first Slimming World meeting last night.
Jedburgh, Roxburghshire
SIR – Today I took delivery of a new set of bathroom scales that were manufactured in China. One of the instructions reads: “Do not put objects rudely onto this scale”.
I’m wondering whether I ought to put some clothes on before weighing myself.
Winkleigh, Devon
SIR – You recommend a lie-in as the key to staying in shape.
I remained in bed for an extra 90 minutes this morning, eating my fresh fruit and yogurt and reading the Telegraph. I then weighed myself to find I had not lost weight – please advise.
Downham Market, Norfolk
SIR – First we hear that coffee is good for us, then that extra sleep is good for us.
Now all we need is for a professional body to tell us that chocolate is good for us, and life will be perfect.
Romsey, Hampshire
SIR – I very much doubt that the proposal by the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health to ban fast food outlets within 400 yards of every school in the country would have any impact on pupils’ diets.
At the very least, however, it may provide them with some exercise.
Dollar, Clackmannanshire
SIR – First fat, now sugar. Whatever happened to the land of milk and honey?
Eton, Berkshire
SIR – Overheard at a birthday party.
“Wouldn’t your friend like some cake?”
“No, thanks, she doesn’t eat cake.”
“Why doesn’t she like cake?”
“She can’t have any because she’s diabolical.”
Yeovil, Somerset
SIR – There is a perfectly good, inexpensive diet: boiled cabbage and gravy. It works every time on Labradors.
Colchester, Essex
SIR – I bought some kale in Princetown, Devon, last year. Having found it somewhat challenging for myself, I offered the remainder to the first Dartmoor pony I met.
He sniffed it, looked me in the eye, turned on his heel and walked off.
Grateley, Hampshire
SIR – It is most irritating, on return from a good walk, to find the business part of one’s activity tracker at home on charge, and that one has been wearing the empty wristband. The dilemma – to go round again, or not?
Bromley Cross, Lancashire
SIR – My NHS device recorded 200 more steps for a seven-hour motorway drive than it did for a seven-hour trek the following day, over the Carnedds, in North Wales.
Beware NHS statistics.
Castle Cary, Somerset
SIR – That “white coat syndrome” exists is indisputable. However, given that doctors are no longer allowed to wear said item, nor indeed suit and tie, perhaps it is time to re-name it?
I would suggest “bare elbow syndrome”.
Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex
SIR – Recent coverage of the risk of prostate cancer suggests digital rectal examination as a diagnostic. Digital? From experience, I can think of nothing less analogue.
London SE3
SIR – Since I was widowed five years ago, the only individual sharing my bed has been my lurcher. Should my answer to the NHS’s question about sexual orientation be: “bestiality”?
Lydden, Kent
SIR – The administration at the hospital where I was formerly employed affixed a suggestion box on a wall in the out-patients department. At the end of the first day it held a single suggestion: “Please could you place the box a little lower.”
Usk, Monmouthshire
SIR – Many years ago my mother-in-law, on being admitted to hospital, filled in the admittance form and wrote “none” under religion.
Big mistake: all the faiths visited her in the hopes of a conversion.
Ashtead, Surrey
SIR – On a visit to hospital last year I was asked by a doctor if I was pregnant. This surprised me as I am a male of mature years (with no transgender aspirations), albeit a little portly.
Kingston upon Thames, Surrey
SIR – I was a teacher for many years. When in hospital after an operation the nurses tried to wake me up using my first name. I did not respond.
Someone on the other side of the ward said, “She’s a teacher,” so the nurse said, “’ere, Miss.”
I shot up, wide awake and answered, “Yes?”
Glentham, Lincolnshire
SIR – Might I advise the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists that the average woman in labour frankly couldn’t give a monkey’s whether she is called by her first name, “she”, “good girl” or the Queen of Sheba as long as they will just GET THAT BABY OUT RIGHT NOW.
Otterbourne, Hampshire
SIR – A surgeon has been fined for burning his initials on a patient’s liver. Should I ever require liver surgery and there was someone with the necessary competence willing to undertake it, I would be happy for them to inscribe their entire curriculum vitae on said organ.
Knowl Hill, Berkshire
SIR – Many years ago, a gillie on the river Spey, when responding to an urgent summons from a visiting angler to help him land a salmon, arrived just in time to see the guest, an orthopaedic surgeon, expertly kill the fish with a single blow from an unusual-looking “priest”.
This turned out to be a titanium hip joint – recovered presumably from one of his less successful operations.
Pluscarden, Morayshire
SIR – If the NHS wants to learn how to speed up recovery times from major surgery, I suggest they immediately contact the production team of Coronation Street. Within two days of one character donating a kidney, and another character receiving said kidney, both are practically back to normal, and almost ready to leave hospital.
Shoebury, Essex
SIR – One wonders how quickly the NHS problems would be resolved if our Ministers were to be struck down with the flu virus at a time when their private health providers went into liquidation.
Cowbeech, East Sussex