SIR – I would like it known that I wish my ashes to be scattered through the air handling unit of the House of Commons. I will then at last get up the noses of all those who get up mine every time I pick up a newspaper.
Yeovil, Somerset
SIR – In the 1920s an Italian flew over the parliament building in Rome, up-ending a chamber pot over it.
May we please ask some airman to perform the same function on behalf of the British public over Westminster?
Canterbury
SIR – Theresa May is to draw up a code of conduct for MPs. This could be summed up in one sentence: “Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of The Daily Telegraph tomorrow.”
Langley, Berkshire
SIR – A knighthood is for a man who shows skill in battle, who is competent in equestrian jousting, and who, when finding himself at the foot of a castle with a fair maiden above him letting down her hair for him to climb, can reach her window.
I think Nick Clegg can do none of those things. I oppose his knighthood.
Newmarket, Suffolk
SIR – In March 1811 the septuagenarian John Purcell of County Cork was attacked in his home at night by nine burglars armed with a sawn-off shotgun. With his only weapon, a small folding knife, he killed two and severely wounded three before the remaining gang members fled.
Purcell was subsequently knighted by King George.
Poundstock, Cornwall
SIR – Could someone please explain what services to music Ringo Starr has provided?
Saffron Walden, Essex
SIR – One does not have to agree with him to acknowledge that Nigel Farage has made a significant contribution to the national debate in recent years – but obviously not as important as the observation that “we all live in a yellow submarine”.
Bristol
SIR – Both Henry Bolton and Donald Trump have promised to “Drain the Swamp”.
Swamps support mangroves and other trees and a variety of interesting creatures. If they were to be drained, all one would be left with is a boring stretch of cracked dry mud and a lot of dead wood.
Woolpit, Suffolk
SIR – Why does Ukip have a lion as their logo, when, as lions are not native to the UK, it is clearly an immigrant?
Rhyl, Denbighshire
SIR – I suggest that Ukip should urgently consider a merger with the Monster Raving Loony Party. This might well enhance the electability of both.
Newhaven, East Sussex
SIR – How many ex-leaders of Ukip can fit in a telephone box?
Chatham, Kent
SIR – Maybe, just maybe, Nigel Farage should learn how to disappear from the limelight with good grace.
Johnstone, Renfrewshire
SIR – Following the allegation by the former Czech spy Ján Sarkocy that Mr Corbyn was codenamed COB, I’ve found myself idly wondering who might have been CORN and what their relationship was to COB.
East Grinstead, West Sussex
SIR – Was Jeremy Corbyn merely trying to cache a small Czech?
Sheffield
SIR – I always enjoy Michael Deacon’s Saturday musings. However, this week he described John McDonnell as “the future Chancellor”. Please could you ask him to be more considerate: some of us are of a delicate nature politically and it takes us a while to recover from nightmares.
Nocton, Lincolnshire
SIR – I for one would be pleased to see the Labour Party as “the government in waiting” in 2018 – and 2019, 2020, etc.
Toronto, Canada
SIR – Please tell me that Eddie Izzard joining Labour’s NEC was your April Fool’s joke.
Marlbrook, Worcestershire
SIR – Over the murder of a former Russian agent and his daughter on British soil Jeremy Corbyn will be “assertive, demanding and robust”. Apart from using two- and even three-syllable words, what would he actually do?
Perhaps he plans to bore the Russians to death. Listening to him myself, I was almost on my knees pleading for mercy.
Birmingham
SIR – A court of law requires proof “beyond reasonable doubt”.
Mr Corbyn requires “incontrovertible evidence”.
Would a signed confession from Mr Putin be enough?
Mirfield, West Yorkshire
SIR – Perhaps Jeremy Corbyn ought to consider going to live in Russia. He may look happier and smile a bit more.
Zeals, Wiltshire
SIR – I could almost understand Corbyn’s knee-jerk support for Russia if it was still run by his nominally socialist comrades (itself a self-serving elite) – but the present regime is a kleptocracy with no socialist pretensions at all.
Perhaps Corbyn is still so rooted in the 1960s and 1970s that he is not yet aware of the events of 1989 and what followed.
Madron, Cornwall
SIR – It is highly unfair to decry Jeremy Corbyn’s love of country. It is just that the country in question happens to be Venezuela.
Smarden, Kent
SIR – A couple of days before the last general election my wife and I realised a long-held dream by moving onto our new luxury barge. We joked that if Labour got into power we could always move our home to another country.
We have just enrolled at evening classes to brush up our French.
Napton, Warwickshire
SIR – Jeremy Corbyn can simply go on holiday and come back when the Tory Party has self-destructed.
Frimley, Surrey
SIR – Is Michael Gove’s plan to open up the countryside in any way inspired by Mrs May’s urge to run in fields of wheat?
London SE3
SIR – Am I alone in thinking that Michael Gove ought to consider changing his spectacles for a pair that don’t make him look like an owl?
Swanage, Dorset
SIR – We have recently had the First of May. I am rather hoping to see the last of May.
Retford, Nottinghamshire
SIR – Theresa May – just about managing.
Weston-super-Mare, Somerset
SIR – A friend recently received a letter addressed to the Prime Minister at 10 Downing Street, London. My friend lives at Number 10 in a street that begins with the letter D but is in Honiton in Devon.
We opened the letter (I know, but the temptation was too great), read it and then sealed it and sent it on its way. A week later another letter, also addressed to the PM in London, arrived at the Honiton address. Once again we had a quick read before sending it on its way. Now a third letter has been received.
It’s all very mysterious, but most of all we feel sorry for the PM as she really does receive some bonkers letters.
Sheldon, Devon
SIR – Theresa May could quite happily ignore the gaggle of third-rate journalists, who now seem to spend most of their time shouting questions across Downing Street, if she had a pair of the latest bluetooth headphones and her favourite music on before she left the door of Number 10.
Edinburgh
SIR – There is speculation as to whether there will be a new leader of the Conservative Party, and, presumably, a new Prime Minister. I suggest that a novel way to evaluate the suitability of any candidate would be to examine their ability to write or recite limericks.
One of the best verses written by a Prime Minister is surely that contained in a letter Attlee wrote to his brother. Since it is well known I will quote another verse written by him in 1945:
They say I write limericks patly.
That rumour I don’t deny flatly.
But this time I’m blowed
If I don’t write an ode
On our victory, signed Clement Attlee.
Of the current potential candidates we know that Mr Johnson won a prize for his rude limerick about the President of Turkey. I think that we should be told what abilities such people as Mr Hammond and Mr Rees-Mogg have in composing and reciting the old verse form.
In the interests of fairness, we should also invite responses from Jeremy Corbyn and Sir Vince Cable.
Bristol
SIR – Having predicted Jeremy Corbyn’s appearance at the Glastonbury Festival last year, I am pretty confident of seeing Jacob Rees-Mogg gracing the stage in 2018.
Whether or not his kaftan will be double-breasted remains to be seen.
Chorleywood, Hertfordshire
SIR – In the case of Home Secretary Amber Rudd, the phrase having “the Prime Minister’s full confidence” appears to mean holding up a corpse to shield her from incoming bullets.
Keresley, Warwickshire
SIR – In the light of recent events, perhaps our next Prime Minister should appoint a Secretary of State for Consequences.
Lanivet, Cornwall
SIR – Could someone please explain to me what on earth is wrong with setting targets for the removal of illegal immigrants? Indeed, should the target not be 100 per cent?
Gislingham, Suffolk
SIR – You report that 43 per cent of British adults aged 18 to 24 are confident that they understand Bitcoin. Doesn’t this confirm that the rational part of the human brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25?
Nuthurst, West Sussex
SIR – Labour is campaigning for votes for 16-year-olds. In response, we should propose that all those over 50 years of age should have two votes. This will reflect our life experience, knowledge, our proven commitment to national life and our wisdom.
Poole, Dorset
SIR – I remember the very first Bitcoin. It was the sixpence wrapped in foil inside my mother’s homemade Christmas pudding.
Worcester
SIR – Due to the current economic uncertainty I am seriously thinking of keeping my Bitcoins under the mattress.
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
SIR – The Deputy Governor of the Bank of England’s use of the word “menopausal” to describe the state of the economy rebounded on him. What was more worrying was to see Ben Broadbent trying to reassure us that the economy is in fine shape while wearing charity shop shoes.
Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland
SIR – Austerity must really be biting. It seems that every time we see a Minister marching towards Number 10 they are clutching a non-recyclable cup of coffee from Costa or Starbucks. Can Downing Street really not afford to make them a cup of coffee?
Locks Heath, Hampshire
SIR – Some things seem better than they’ve been for years (unemployment, real wages, the FTSE); others are looking the worse for wear (retailing, sterling, the housing divide).
As a 50-something female economics graduate, I’d say that “menopausal” about sums it up.
East Hagbourne, Oxfordshire
SIR – Perhaps Ben Broadbent could have saved himself an awful lot of opprobrium had he simply described the unproductive economy as “flaccid”.
Frodsham, Cheshire
SIR – It is believed that Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall, First Commissioner for Works at the Houses of Parliament, whose name is inscribed on the bell.
It is just as well his name was not Sir Richard Hall.
Yate, Gloucestershire
SIR – The slogan of the 1960s was: “Join the army, see the world, and meet people” – although there were derivatives, some of them pejorative.
Today, one might say, in the spirit of the MoD’s new campaign, “Join the army, see the world, hug people, and each other.”
Clare, Suffolk
SIR – Is the old song “Kiss Me Goodnight, Sergeant Major” about to become a reality?
Mansfield, Nottinghamshire
SIR – When I was at Mons in 1965 we were addressed at our first parade ending with the words: “Remember, you are officer cadets so I call you Sir. I am the Regimental Sergeant Major so you call me Sir. The difference is that you mean it and I don’t.”
Wilsford, Lincolnshire
SIR – I have no problem with women integrated into male units in barracks, just as in civilian offices, but women living alongside men is asking for trouble.
The Peshmerga in Iraq have the right idea with women-only combat units: these would certainly scare the hell out of me.
Oman
SIR – Regarding the debate about whether to put a statue of the late Baroness Thatcher in Parliament Square, apparently a statue of her has already been made out of bronze. Which humourless artist passed over the opportunity to immortalise the Iron Lady in the metal of her epithet?
Cambridge
SIR – I saw the recently erected statue of Millicent Fawcett in Parliament Square. Not a bad effort technically, but why is she, a feminist icon, depicted waving a dishcloth apparently advertising beer [“Courage calls to courage everywhere”]?
They might as well have put her behind an ironing board.
Hungerford, Berkshire
SIR – Too many universities generate increasing numbers of degrees which inevitably diminish their value.
Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes, Minister had it right with his throw-away line: “We have to look after our universities – both of them.”
Guildford, Surrey
SIR – I am currently sitting outside a drama rehearsal room while my daughter practises a monologue about a monkey. I am passing the time reading the Telegraph online. At the precise moment that I opened today’s story about John Bercow I heard my daughter screech: “That horrid little creature”.
Coincidence?
Broad Town, Wiltshire
SIR – Is there any chance that tradition could be reversed, and MPs be allowed to drag the protesting Speaker away from the House of Commons Chair?
Hurstpierpoint, West Sussex
SIR – Having survived yet again, is Mr Bercow in competition with Larry the Downing Street cat for who has the most lives?
Gosport, Hampshire
SIR – It is hardly surprising, given his weedy appellation, that Larry “The Lamb” is an ineffectual mouser. They should rename him Cromwell.
St Albans, Hertfordshire
SIR – How refreshing to see that the Foreign Office cat, Palmerston, has been fulfilling his state duties conscientiously. My own solidly built ginger tom has also enjoyed the parliamentary summer recess, bringing home numerous mice and voles to my dispatch box.
His name? Boris.
Cradley, Herefordshire
SIR – Building a bridge over the Channel, as Boris Johnson has suggested, does not strike me as an obvious way to “take back control of our borders”.
Caversham, Berkshire
SIR – I fully support a bridge to France, but could we have one first?
Brading, Isle of Wight
SIR – I do applaud Boris Johnson’s bridge-building ambitions across the Channel and to Northern Ireland. A trial run for those aspirations might be found, however, within his own party.
Dumfries, Dumfriesshire
SIR – As one who walks on water, why does Boris need a bridge?
Coleshill, Warwickshire
SIR – What happens when traffic from the UK, driving on the left, meets traffic from France driving on the right?
Collyweston, Northamptonshire
SIR – Our Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, seems somewhat obsessed with nominal alliteration, whether it’s bikes, buses, bridges or Brexit.
One feels that British influence abroad may be greater enhanced by a wider exploration of what the rest of the alphabet has to offer.
Baildon, West Yorkshire
SIR –
Boris Johnson’s Bridge of Size,
He eats far too many pies
To be allowed upon it.
(This is not a sonnet.)
Gloucester
SIR – An acrostic for Boris:
Bombastic
Outrageous
Ridiculous
Injudicious
Scruffy
Worthen, Shropshire
SIR – Please could you ask Jo Johnson to take his brother along with him the next time he visits his barber and insist that Boris has the same style.
Woolavington, Somerset
SIR – Is it cynical to suggest that Boris’s threat to lie down before the bulldozers at Heathrow, if carried through, might ease two of Mrs May’s problems in one fell stroke?
St Cellardyke, Fife
SIR – Now that Boris Johnson no longer has a ministerial car it means he is on his bike. Thank heavens for that.
Coventry, Warwickshire
SIR – George Osborne has yet another job. Who does he think he is? Tony Blair?
Coedpoeth
SIR – The more Tony Blair says that the voters got it wrong, the more determined people will be in favour of leaving the EU. More please, Mr Blair.
Camberley, Surrey
SIR – Tony Blair has said he is on the verge of setting up a new political party.
It will require a name. I suggest Brass Neck.
Bexleyheath, Kent
SIR – Tony Blair says Brexit would be an historic mistake. It takes one to recognise one.
Caythorpe, Lincolnshire
SIR – In view of his disdainful reference to “the tyranny of the majority”, perhaps Kenneth Clarke might care to consider how he was elected to parliament.
Windsor, Berkshire
SIR – The President of the EU parliament, Antonio Tajani, has described Britain’s Brexit divorce bill offer of £20 billion as “peanuts”.
The contribution represents around £500 per UK family. That’s a heck of a lot of peanuts.
Gravesend, Kent
SIR – If Brexit is a divorce then we are the party who should be claiming alimony, citing unreasonable behaviour by the other party.
Swaffham, Norfolk
SIR – If I share a round of beers with 27 of my friends, I pay my share. But if I leave the pub before my friends, I do not keep paying their rounds for the next five years.
London SW6
SIR – Will I be required to continue to pay towards the pension of the newest greenkeeper if I decide to leave the golf club?
Wickham, Hampshire
SIR – When considering the EU I am reminded of a comment by one of my schoolmasters to my class.
“Boys,” he said. “Individually you’re all right. But when you get together you have all the attributes of a mob.”
Stourbridge, West Midlands
SIR – Most certainly we should honour our forward commitments to the EU. I suggest we use the German system of selecting how one should decide which they are. We should also use the French speed of settlement and the Brussels level of financial probity and regularity of reliable auditing.
Thames Ditton, Surrey
SIR – Five years to leave the customs union? We won a war in a shorter time.
Lytham St Annes, Lancashire
SIR – If General de Gaulle were still here, he would probably pay us to go.
Kingston, Surrey
SIR – If we stay in the EU we could have about 60 MEPs and get rid of the rest. The Houses of Parliament could be made into flats.
Cheam, Surrey
SIR – I voted for Brexit, but the more I hear of the bickering and backstabbing of the MPs of my party and their juvenile and dangerous attempts to be “youthful and popular”, together with the insane economic utterances of the Labour party, the more I like the sound of unelected Brussels bureaucrats.
Bedford
SIR – My Remainer friends have become immune to jibes about being a remoaner or a remainiac, but using the expression, “Your pal Barnier …” is guaranteed to bring instant outrage.
Sunninghill, Berkshire
SIR – The EU’s Brexit negotiating tactics remind me of a Morecambe and Wise sketch, often repeated. Ernie would take a grip on Eric’s shoulder and say “get out of that without moving”.
Horsham, West Sussex
SIR – Has anyone else noticed the unfortunate aptness of Michel Barnier’s surname, with bar meaning to prevent or obstruct and nier being French for “to deny”?
Coulsdon, Surrey
SIR – An erudite acquaintance recently introduced me to the word ineptocracy in relation to the EU.
My classical education suggests that kakistocracy has a more succinct definition.
Isle of Whithorn, Wigtownshire
SIR – I have been musing about the New Year’s Resolutions Michel Barnier might have jotted on the fly leaf of his diary. The most likely I can come up with is the wisdom of the great Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte: “Never interrupt your enemy while he is making a mistake.”
Marden, Kent
SIR – As a Brexit backup plan, Longwood House on Saint Helena should be redecorated to Mr Barnier’s preferred colour scheme.
Ashford, Kent
SIR – We knew it would have to be a no-deal Brexit when we realised that Mr Barnier uses his middle finger to adjust his glasses.
Malvern, Worcestershire
SIR – Would it help the Brexit negotiations if the main protagonists swapped at half-time? The UK would benefit from Michel Barnier and his team who realise that we are leaving and act accordingly, and the EU would get the lukewarm semi-Remainer leadership which we have endured so far.
Bruton, Somerset
SIR – If Mrs May’s team cannot agree a Brexit deal with the EU by March 2019, might I suggest a penalty shoot-out? Suddenly I fancy our chances.
Oxted, Surrey
SIR – The way things are progressing, the new Brexit mantra should be “Everything is agreed until nothing is agreed”.
London SW14
SIR – Theresa May’s red lines now resemble watching butter melt.
Kingston Seymour, Somerset
SIR – It is with good reason that Chequers is referred to as Mrs May’s retreat.
Maidenhead, Berkshire
SIR – Are Brexit-supporting Ministers who refuse to resign from office now best described as remaining leavers?
Bristol
SIR – Your front-page headline, “Is anyone brave enough to sign May’s death warrant?” prompted my wife to respond: “Give me a pen.”
Tiverton, Devon
SIR – A day in the life of a Conservative MP, July 2018.
7am – Rise.
7.30am – Take breakfast while reading The Daily Telegraph’s Letters page.
8am – Search for a new job.
It’s not too late for them to do something about it.
London E1
SIR – I’ll bet the Lady’s turning now.
Eaton, Nottinghamshire
SIR – Where is Geoffrey Howe when you need him?
London W2
SIR – Has anyone else noticed that Theresa May walks like a question mark?
Tetbury, Gloucestershire
SIR – I note that Theresa May is not a quitter. There’s the problem.
Helston, Cornwall
SIR – Isn’t that what David Cameron said just before he quit?
Eastleigh, Hampshire
SIR – Ted Heath can finally rest easy and stop sulking: the UK now has a Prime Minister even more useless than he was.
Hampton, Middlesex
SIR – The present political shenanigans bring to mind the supposed Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times”. Or perhaps this should be, “May, you live in interesting times”.
St Clears, Carmarthenshire
SIR – Mrs May has expressed a desire to bring the country together. She is succeeding: more and more voters are against her.
Warrington, Cheshire
SIR – If Theresa May had been Prime Minister in June 1940:
“We shall make clear our intention to defend our island, within agreed financial limits as set out by the Office for Budget Responsibility; we shall discuss areas of disagreement with our European neighbours on the beaches; we shall conduct impact assessments on the landing grounds; we shall seek parliamentary approval for our negotiating position in the fields and in the streets; we shall convene Cobra in the hills.”
Finedon, Northamptonshire
SIR – Hayley Hughes from Love Island admits to not having a clue about Brexit, but is Theresa May any better?
Oxford
SIR – I don’t know why the House of Lords has tried to wreck the Brexit process when Mrs May is doing a perfectly good job on her own.
Retford, Nottinghamshire
SIR – Once upon a Brexit dreary, as she
pondered weak and weary.
Over many a difficulty, irritation
and conspiracy.
Suddenly there came a tapping, that
or whispering of sacking.
Multitudes of people laughing,
just outside the PM’s door.
Tis just bluster so she muttered
only that and nothing more.
(With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)
Mold, Flintshire
SIR – As a former regular at the Coach and Horses (Norman Balon’s old pub), I know that his impressive negotiating skills would have achieved an exit by now.
London SE28
SIR – I suggest a new tactic regarding Brexit.
We should withdraw our request to leave. Vote against or veto every proposal put before the EU parliament. Be generally as obnoxious as Jean-Claude Juncker and the other unelected officials.
After a couple of years they will be begging – and might even pay – us to leave.
Aylsham, Norfolk
SIR – If we had Donald Trump as Prime Minister, we would have threatened to “nuke” Strasbourg and Brussels, to block the Channel Tunnel and build a wall around Europe by now.
London SW19
SIR – It is clear the only way Mrs May, David Davis and her crew will ever deliver the Brexit the majority of us voted for is to draft in Ross Poldark as a special adviser. He will surely take no nonsense and get things done – with or without his shirt.
Long Sutton, Somerset
SIR – Having just finished Conclave by Robert Harris, I would suggest that the Cabinet be locked inside Number 10 until they come up with our Brexit strategy. Smoke signals and a medical team on call for the collection of scalps welcome.
Aldeburgh, Suffolk
SIR – Whenever I have kicked a can down the road, it usually goes quite well on the first boot but thereafter it goes wherever it fancies.
Brentford, Middlesex
SIR – I have a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle on my dining room table. I am calmly determined to finish it by March 2019.
Selsey, West Sussex
SIR – I hope that David Davis is keeping in mind just how deceptive these Europeans can be. Only today, I discovered that the European Butter Mountain and Wine Lake are not real. My holiday plans are in ruins.
Littlehampton, West Sussex
SIR – How I wish that David Davis would a) threaten to withdraw from negotiations, taking our £40 billion with him; b) drop his rictus grin on emerging from meetings with M. Barnier; and c) stop looking like Julian Assange.
Grassington, North Yorkshire
SIR – Why don’t we just invade Europe; it’s not difficult.
Eastbourne, East Sussex
SIR – I note with surprise that the Archbishop of Canterbury has called the EU the greatest human achievement “since the fall of the western Roman Empire”.
If I were now to criticise the EU publicly – perhaps referring to its inherent inefficiency and corruption – do I risk being defrocked for heresy?
Perhaps the Archbishop could let me know before I write Sunday’s sermon.
Harlow, Essex
SIR – Lord Malloch-Brown stated on the Today programme that Britain will become more pro-European as time goes by due to shifting demographics.
This seems at odds with the fact that in 1975 the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain then reversed that decision 41 years later due to the EU not living up to expectations.
Chichester, West Sussex
SIR – As a pensioner who had the temerity to vote for Brexit, I have become alarmed at the constant reminders of my own mortality.
Recent outbursts about the lack of time I have left before I shuffle off this mortal coil have come from J. Major (75), A. Blair (65) and M. Heseltine (85).
Were Remain voters over 60 given the secret of eternal life? I think we should be told.
West Rounton, North Yorkshire
SIR – Jürgen Klopp, the manager of Liverpool FC, has said that Britain should have a second vote on Brexit.
He should understand that many of us voted Leave so that we would no longer have to suffer being told what to do by a German.
Meppershall, Bedfordshire
SIR – In Scotland we have a bath every Hogmanay or referendum, whichever comes first, whether we need it or not.
Lenzie, East Dunbartonshire
SIR – Remainers claim that I was too thick to understand what I was voting for in the Brexit referendum. What makes them think I am now intelligent enough to know what I am voting for if another vote is held on the Brexit deal?
Horsehay, Shropshire
SIR – If Stephen Hawking can say that the complete theory of the universe should, in principle, be understandable by everyone, why is it that Remoaners say that Brexit is too complicated for Brexiteers to comprehend?
If understanding the Universe is easier than understanding how to effect Brexit, then I give up.
Loughborough, Leicestershire
SIR – It is reassuring to know that EU bureaucrats can regulate all parts of our life.
I have just purchased a pack of lavatory paper (made by a company headquartered in Brussels) which informs me – in seven languages – that it is: “Toilet Paper. 100% papermass. Chemical bleached pulp. Total length 22m. Size of a sheet 9.8 × 11cm. 24 × 200 2ply sheets. Net weight 24 × 75g.”
My bottom has never before been so well informed. Safe at last from rearguard attack by inferior products.
London SW12
SIR – Whether it is pre- or post-Brexit, I would welcome legislation to agree on a specific colour packet for different flavoured crisps. I am sick of finding a green packet is cheese and onion rather than my intended salt and vinegar.
Morchard Bishop, Devon
SIR – Is it too much to hope that in March 2019 Brexit will enable us to abandon the totally outdated and purposeless practice of British Summer Time?
Wattisfield, Suffolk
SIR – I note that a “monster” fatberg blocking a sewer in East London weighs more than ten double decker buses.
Does this mean that post-Brexit the double decker bus may well become the UK unit of mass?
Canvey Island, Essex
SIR – I notice with regret that the contract for the new blue passport looks set to go to a foreign company. However, this frees up British factories to manufacture gunboats, which can then be used for diplomacy. Failing that, they could manufacture quart-pots and furlong rulers.
Enfield, Middlesex
SIR – Will the colour of Britain’s new passports be described as sacre bleu?
North Shields, Tyne and Wear
SIR – Following the passports fiasco, I was wondering whether the government had considered the benefits of outsourcing itself to France.
Rugby, Warwickshire
SIR – The passport printing crisis can be easily solved. Brexit voters can pay to have their blue passports printed in Britain and the 48 million people who did not vote for Brexit can choose whether to keep theirs the existing colour. This would make standing in the passport queues far more entertaining.
Brimpton, Berkshire
SIR – In the published extract from The Daily Telegraph from April 1918, it states: “The Irish situation is both grave and menacing.” Has nothing changed in a century?
Farnborough, Hampshire
SIR – After Brexit why not monitor the Irish border with a fleet of drones? All-seeing and very soft.
Maunby, North Yorkshire
SIR – I have often heard it said that if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. I am beginning to doubt this now as the two protagonists involved in Northern Ireland can’t sort out a “little local difficulty”.
Hastings, East Sussex
SIR – As an Ulsterman living in the South of England, I find that people often try to draw me into a discussion about Northern Irish politics. My answer is: “It’s the best reason I know for living in Hampshire.”
Basingstoke, Hampshire
SIR – There is one way to cure the Ireland/Northern Ireland border issue: Eire leaving the EU and joining the UK in an economic union.
At least this could be shortened to Exit.
Bramhope, West Yorkshire
SIR – It is time the word Brexit, freighted as it is with negativity and lack of direction, is changed to Bfree – a description of positivity and a bright future suitable for a nation that has so often shown the world the way forward.
Sway, Hampshire
SIR – Perhaps the word Brexit could become an accepted swear-word. Then watching debate and news on television it would be bleeped out, thus providing some much-needed light entertainment on the whole subject for viewers.
Sutton, Surrey
SIR – When watching the BBC news, in the absence of commercial television advertisements, one only has to wait for the word Brexit to know that it’s a good time to pop out and make a cup of tea.
Gosport, Hampshire
SIR – Liam Fox said in his Brexit speech: “We are not Canada or Norway.”
We figured out that much for ourselves during the last Winter Olympics.
Johnstone, Renfrewshire
SIR – During Brexit negotiations, much was made of a Norwegian solution. I failed to realise that meant having our own Quisling in Downing Street.
Irthlingborough, Northamptonshire
SIR – I note the sudden interest of our Brexiteer government in “doing great deals” with Canada when, and if, we truly leave the European Union.
I look forward to cheaper maple syrup on my pancakes on Pancake Day.
Nothing else from Canada comes to mind.
Stockport, Cheshire
SIR – A Radio 4 news slot about the Brexit negotiations has just finished.
Four-year-old grandson at the dinner table: “I don’t understand why everybody is always talking about breadsticks.”
Romsey, Hampshire
SIR – Having started piano lessons again after 50 years I have succeeded in massacring a very simple version of “Ode to Joy”, and have great pleasure in re-naming it “The Brexiteer’s Revenge”.
London SE1
SIR – I suggest that the next government is formed from your letter-writers, who display more basic common sense on the Brexit issue than the politicians who have clearly failed to deliver what I voted for.
Mansfield, Nottinghamshire
SIR – I predict that, like many apparently momentous events – joining the EEC, all-day drinking, decimalisation, VAT, the predicted Y2K computer meltdown, scrapping capital punishment, devolution – what will actually happen on Friday 29 March 2019 is: very little.
Plymouth, Devon