Dating after several years of marriage felt like walking into a store and realizing that not only was my shirt not buttoned right, it was also inside out. Everything about it was awkward, from avoiding direct eye contact to the topic of conversation. Even though Jeremy was a friend, it didn’t stop me from feeling anxious about seeing him again. This time was different. I didn’t know what to expect.
I arrived early, sat on a padded bench in the waiting area, and fidgeted for ten minutes. He was late. But then, men were often late for dates. Weren’t they? I was staring at a toddler spinning in circles when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, smiled up at Jeremy.
“Sorry I’m late.” He looked me up and down, taking time to appreciate the black dress Rae, Sasha, and Kenna had voted on as the dress of the night. It was one of Rae’s, and not something I’d ever buy for myself, let alone wear. It was too short and too tight for my liking, but they had been so excited about it, that I didn’t dare say no.
We made eye contact for a split second before I looked away. He looked at me differently tonight than he had in the past. Differently weird. Differently uncomfortable.
“You look amazing,” he continued. “Honestly. That’s a great dress.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
We walked to the table, sat down, and ordered. My hands were shaking. I shoved them under the table, tried to act normal, as if it were possible.
He raised a brow. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? If this is too much for—”
“It isn’t. I want to be here, with you, I mean. I’m glad you asked.”
He smiled. “I only suggested dinner because, well, it’s easy. If you’d be more comfortable doing something else, we can. I’d be fine to do something else, actually.”
“Really? Yeah, sure.”
He stood. “What would you like to do?”
“Honestly, I’m glad you like the dress, but all I really want to do is change into something that feels more like me.”
A half hour later, I was in shorts and a tank top, and we were playing indoor mini-golf. I felt better—comfortable and relaxed—until I heard my name being called. I turned. Standing a few feet away from me was Trevor, one of Josh’s friends. He looked at me, then Jeremy, then back at me, confused.
“What are you ... ahh ... doing here?” Trevor asked.
What everyone else was doing there.
Duh.
“Playing mini-golf.”
“Who are you with?”
It was a nosey, inappropriate question. He didn’t have the right to quiz me. “Nice seeing you, Trevor.”
And with that, I turned, following Jeremy to the next hole. I didn’t look back, and I didn’t need to—I only needed one guess to figure out what he was doing with the cell phone he’d pulled from his pocket.
After mini-golf was over, we grabbed a couple of burgers and a six-pack of beer and sat together in my living room, reminiscing about the things we remembered from school. I said something about the time one of the students threw a dart that landed in the principal’s ass, and we both laughed. He reached over and grabbed my hand, rubbing it in between his own. It felt nice and odd at the same time to be touched by someone other than my husband after all this time.
“You know, I almost asked you out in high school?” he said. “I always wanted to, but you never stayed single long enough for me to do it.”
I laughed. “Funny. I thought the same thing about you. You always had girls swarming around you.”
“Would you have gone out with me back then if I’d asked?”
I nodded. “Truth is, I had a crush on you.”
His face lit up. He leaned in, kissing me on the lips.
“Is this okay?” he said. “Is it okay for me to kiss you?”
I nodded. He wrapped a hand around my waist, scooting me closer until our bodies were aligned, facing each other. He kissed me again, and then again, each kiss longer and more passionate than the one before. I found myself craving the attention I felt I’d been missing for such a long time—things like the soft caress of a man’s touch, the passion in his kiss, the feeling of being wanted and desired—feeling like, even if I was in a room full of women, I’d still be treated like I was the only one he would see.
I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he lifted me to a standing position, cradling his hands beneath me.
His lips left mine for a moment, and he said, “Do you want to go—”
I didn’t think; I just nodded, pointing in the direction of the stairs to my bedroom. His lips found mine again, and our mouths remained locked together as he carried me upstairs. He pushed the door open to the bedroom, sat me on the bed. I leaned all the way back. He stood in front of me, rubbing my legs, and staring into my eyes.
“Callie, if I’m moving too fast, or if you—”
“It’s fine. This is fine.”
“I just don’t want you to think of me as the kind of guy who takes advantage. I’m not. I’d never do that to you.”
“It’s okay, Jeremy.”
Even though I’d said it, I wasn’t sure if it really was okay. Inside I was conflicted, savoring each moment, while at the same time feeling uncertain and confused.
He grabbed his shirt and lifted it over his head, then unbuckled his belt, sliding it through the loops before dropping it to the side. It clanked on the floor. He unzipped his pants, kicked them off, and turned toward me. With one tug of his hand, he peeled my shorts off, then proceeded to do the same with my shirt.
I felt vulnerable, more vulnerable than I’d been in such a long time.
Why had it been so easy with Jeremy and so hard with Josh?
I knew why.
It was the little things, things we’d both allowed to slip over the years together, like not kissing as passionately as we used to, and treating sex like a mundane chore instead of a loving bond between two people. Josh never really looked at my body—at least not in a long, long time. He never complimented me. Never made me feel needed, or beautiful, or wanted. Years of this behavior had caused me to back away from him, crawl inside myself, too shy and too nervous to ever make a move with my own husband, the one person I should have been more comfortable with than anyone in the world.
Jeremy leaned over, whispered in my ear. “What do you want, Callie? Tell me what you want.”
Everything.
I wanted everything.
I just didn’t know if I wanted it from him.
He leaned in to kiss me once more, and the doorbell rang. I turned, looking at the clock on the nightstand. It was after midnight. I walked to the window and peeked out even though I knew what I’d see when I did—Josh’s truck was parked right next to Jeremy’s.
“Who is it?” Jeremy asked.
“It’s Josh.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened. “What’s he doing here?”
“I don’t know. He’s been avoiding me. I think one of his friends tipped him off earlier today when he saw me.”
“What are you going to do?”
I ran to the closet, tying a robe around my body. “I’m going to go talk to him. I’m sorry, Jeremy. I have to do it.”