I sat next to Josh on the sofa in our house. He’d arrived a few minutes earlier. We’d gotten the usual pleasantries out of the way, and now here we were, two introverts trying to have a meaningful conversation with each other.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Fine. You?”
“Fine.”
Silence again.
“No,” he said. “I’m not being honest with you. I haven’t been fine, not since the day I left. I’ve been miserable without you, Callie.”
“Why did you leave then?”
He ran a hand down the side of his face. “It’s just, there are things I want to say to you, things I need to say. I just don’t know how to say them without hurting you. I guess that’s the reason I’ve waited so long.”
“I’m finally in a place where I can’t go another day without knowing what those things are, Josh. Why don’t you just tell me the truth? So what if it’s hard? It can’t be harder than what I’ve already been through.”
He reached out, took my hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it. “I know, and I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t wait any longer. The time had come to rip off the bandage. “Are you with Libby?”
His eyes widened. “No. I’ve never been with her. There’s nothing between us. There never was anything between us.”
“Then why did you kiss her?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t kiss her, Callie. She kissed me. And I haven’t been back to work on her job since it happened.”
“A woman just doesn’t walk up to a guy and kiss him. She must have felt it would be reciprocated.”
“I don’t know what goes on in her head. She’s crazy. During the time I worked there, she’d come in while I was working, bring me a drink or a sandwich. Sometimes she tried to talk to me about all her personal crap, but I tried to stay quiet and remain focused on the job. I thought I could be nice, just like I would be on any other job, with any other client.”
“So how did it escalate from talking to kissing?”
“The day it happened she was crying. She started dumping all this stuff on me about how unhappy she was in her marriage, like I was her damned therapist. I told her she should talk to her friends, or a counselor, or anyone ... just not me.”
“What did she say?”
“She said ...”
I squeezed his hand. “C’mon, Josh. Tell me. Let’s be completely honest with each other. Okay?”
“She said she felt close to me. She thought I understood her. I could tell there were feelings behind her words, and I was thinking about what to say to diffuse it and how to get out of there for the night. I said something about needing to get home. She walked out of the room, and I started to pack up. Next thing I knew, I turned around and she was standing there in a silk nightie, saying she wanted to leave her husband for me. She’d envisioned this life we could have together.”
“Yes, but, how could she do that? She knew we were married.”
Even though I’d asked, I knew how she could do it. Libby didn’t care about anyone but herself.
“All I know is, she seemed to think she could spill her feelings for me and I’d be thrilled about it. I know how it sounds, but I’m telling you, Callie, I did nothing to give her the wrong impression. Not ever. I could never disrespect you like that. I mean it.”
I stared into his eyes, knowing he was telling me the truth. I struggled to say the words I wanted to say. “But you left me. You left us. If it weren’t over Libby, then why?”
“I want you to think about our life together over the past couple years.”
“Okay.”
“When was the last time you told me you loved me?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I always say it back to you when you say it.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about when you remember to say it first.”
“I don’t know right now. I’m sure I have, though.”
“You haven’t. Not for as long as I can remember.”
I thought about it. It wasn’t true. Was it? I had so many memories of him leaving for work, giving me a kiss goodbye, telling me he loved me, but not a single one of me going to him first. “You know I love you though.”
“How would I know? You don’t say it unless I say it to you. You don’t kiss me unless I kiss you. You don’t initiate sex unless I make the first move. You don’t touch me unless I touch you first. You hold back, wait for me to do everything, wait for me to say everything. Have you ever thought about how it made me feel?”
I’d never thought about it, until now, until this moment, looking at his face. He felt worthless and unloved. No wonder he’d left me.
“Josh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I was stupid. It was just something I didn’t take the time to think about, and I should have.”
“The thing is, Callie, I want to come back to you, but I can’t go back to the way it was before. And I don’t know how to do it. I don’t expect you to change the person you are for me. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair to you. This is why I haven’t said anything. I wanted to be honest. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
He leaned forward, cupped his hands around both sides of my face, and kissed me. I’d kissed his lips a thousand times, but today was different. Today was like kissing him again for the first time. And I wanted more. So much more. I moved closer, but he pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” I said.
“I have to go.”
“You’re leaving? Why?”
“I have an appointment. Sorry. I’ve been seeing someone.”
“What do you mean? You’re dating someone?”
He shook his head. “I mean I’m talking to a therapist. I’m trying to work through my feelings, trying to figure out what the best thing is for me, and for us.”
I was in shock.
He stood. We walked to the door. He opened it, turned, wrapped his arms around me, kissed me on the forehead. “Will you think about what I said?”
I nodded, feeling the tears brimming. I blinked, keeping them at bay.
“Can we get together later?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’d like that.”