“There are one hundred and fifty-two distinctly different ways of holding a baby – and all are right.” – Heywood Broun.
I have spent countless hours observing babies during my lifetime, usually when misguided parents perform an occult ceremony to summon me to ask that I make their baby into my disciple. These fools fail to realize I only make contracts with souls that have reached the age of majority. But, since they have called me to their home in the correct manner, I often stay a while, watching the forlorn and damned parents in their futile contortions of summoning, a preview of their afterlife.
I also watch the baby.
During the first months after its birth, the baby does little that is recognizably human. This can be maddening – literally – for some parents. The baby does not smile or laugh, it just stares with its big, bulgy alien eyes seated within its tiny, spongy head.
Eventually, the baby gains greater control of its neck muscles and its brain starts working better, and something else happens: it starts looking around. A lot. Like a tweaker on meth.
The baby is learning, similar to the manner in which a highly-evolved extraterrestrial who lands on earth can take everything in and begin speaking the language of the country in which it lands within minutes. Sadly, human babies are not so highly-evolved and take years to develop speech. Still, what you say and do with, to, and in front of the baby at this time matters greatly.
I am not a developmental pediatrician, but thousands of years of observations have taught me a few things about raising babies.
First, when you speak with your baby, you must use proper grammar and diction. No baby talk. Peek-a-boo and silly games like that are fine, but when you speak to the baby, speak properly. It follows that you should read books to your baby with complete sentences. These books need not be complicated. I am thinking of Goodnight Moon, for instance. But, feel free to read something more exciting, like The Odyssey or Blood Meridian.
Second, play with the baby as often as possible. This is hard work for some modern parents who would prefer to stare at an electronic device rather than interact with a human being. If you are one of those pathetic people, get over it or get into treatment. Remember, idle hands are the devil’s plaything, and if you teach your baby that you do not have time for him now, then when he is a teenager, I will be seeing a lot of him.
Please understand, I do realize some humans have limits on how long they can be around a baby; it can get boring and monotonous. When you need a break, enlist the help of grandparents or friends to give you a few hours’ respite.
Third, keep all wireless electronics away from your infant. These devices give off radiation. Do not let your baby play with your cell phone, preferably at all, but only in airplane mode as a backup plan.
Fourth, get your child outside as often as possible. It does not matter if this is your own backyard, a park, the beach, the desert, the mountains, or whatever. Let your baby get dirty, stare at bugs, and roll around on the dirt. Not only will your child benefit from getting outside, but so will you. I have watched humans for millennia, and I have noticed a sadness descend upon many of you who do not get outside and look at trees and animals and bushes. You have gone away from your origins in nature and have separated yourselves from the place you came from. I see your collective mental health suffering for it. Without enough exposure to the natural world, humanity’s future is bleak.
That is really it.
For those of you with short attention spans, I can boil all this down to a single sentence: Spend as much quality time as possible with your newborn in order to give your child the best foundation for a happy and successful life.