“There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Parents, especially first-time parents, obsess over the sleep habits of their newborns. People who have older children will ask you, “Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?”
The sleep of an infant is a revelation for new parents. It is so quiet. Most new parents will check their baby’s breathing multiple times per night for the first few weeks to reassure themselves that the baby is still alive. The breathing is nearly imperceptible at times.
The questions and anxieties about sleep go beyond breath, of course. Some common questions are: Should I put my baby on his back or stomach when I put him down to sleep? Should I swaddle my baby? Should the baby’s room be hot or cold for optimal sleep? How close to bedtime should the final feeding be?
I have no idea about the answers to those questions. Consult a doctor or a book about what to expect from your infant. All I know is that I have seen parents around the world answer these questions in every conceivable way, and their children usually make it to adulthood. There indeed may be an ideal answer to all of these questions, but I would not worry about it too much.
Instead of answering these questions, I will tell you instead the three most common mistakes I see leading to long-term sleep problems for children. Ignore these at your peril.
The first mistake I see is parents sleeping with their babies for too long after their birth. I see nothing wrong with having your baby sleep in a crib in the same room with you or in your bed with you for the first few weeks of its life. It is calming for the baby and reassures the new parents that the baby is safe. And, it is very common throughout history to use such an arrangement.
Nevertheless, at a minimum, get the baby out of your bed within four weeks of birth. Failure to do this leads to horrible attachment issues for the child and sleep disturbances in the years to come. Ideally at this time, you will move the baby to her own room or, at least, as far away from your bed as possible in your bedroom. At the end of eight weeks, the baby should be in her own room, unless you live in a small apartment.
The second mistake I see is when parents rush into the baby’s room within an instant of hearing it cry. Such responsiveness is common and expected during the first few weeks of life, but after that, the baby should learn to take care of itself.
I advocate the “cry it out” regime. It may seem heartless to let a baby cry for ten or fifteen minutes, but unless the baby is sick, there is really no need to come to his aid. You cannot give in. It only makes it worse if you resist for ten minutes and then go to the baby. Should you do this, you succeed only in training the baby that it will take ten minutes of crying to summon you. Either be a patsy and rush in immediately, or stand your ground no matter the cost.
The third mistake I see is not putting the baby to sleep until you are ready to go to sleep yourself. This creates huge problems as your baby grows older because you do not get any time to yourself in the evening. Your child will begin to feel entitled to stay up as late as you, and eventually, you will have great difficulty ordering the child to go to bed. A battle of wills at the end of the day is never enjoyable.
To avoid this dark future, put your baby on a sleep schedule as soon as your baby is sleeping through the night. Put her to sleep at the same time each night, preferably one or two hours before you want to sleep. That way, you have some personal time to read, to watch TV, or maybe even to get busy making your next baby.