ROBIN WOKE in the morning with Dwayne’s arm around him. It felt so good… too good. What the hell had he done? He’d slept with Dwayne, and….
With a knot in his belly, Robin gently moved away and slid out from under Dwayne’s arm.
“Where are you going?” Dwayne asked sleepily.
“I need to use the bathroom.” Robin got up and hurried to the other room, closed the door, and took a deep breath. He’d slept with Dwayne. Part of him was over the moon. Dwayne had been sweet, and he was all kinds of sexy. Being with him had been amazing. Robin turned toward the mirror, staring at his reflection. What in the hell could Dwayne possibly see in him? He was skinny, small, and afraid of his own shadow half the time. Yeah, he tried his best to cover up the scared part, but the latest evidence was written in the fading abrasions on his face. When Harvey had grabbed him, he’d been so scared he’d almost pissed himself. Dwayne could say that he thought Robin was strong, but he wasn’t and never would be. His strength had been ripped away from him over and over, and he didn’t know where to find it.
“Robin,” Dwayne said before knocking softly on the door. “Are you okay?”
Robin didn’t answer right away. He wasn’t okay. Taking a good look at himself made him realize just how far he’d fallen and also how fucking lucky he’d been. Dwayne had been the kindest, and probably the best, person he’d ever met, and Robin had slept with him. That had to be the dumbest thing he had ever done.
“Robin….” Concern rose in Dwayne’s voice.
“I’m okay. I’ll be right out.” Somehow Robin managed to keep his voice from breaking. He really wanted to slap himself. He and Dwayne had had sex, and now he was falling to pieces. He tried to think of where all this was coming from, but the reason only added more hurt to the pile.
“He deserves better than me,” Robin said, just mouthing the words. Hell, he wasn’t even good enough for his mom, so how could he possibly be good enough for a great guy like Dwayne? It wasn’t possible. Robin wiped his eyes and got a drink of water. He had to have something to cover for the fact that he was in the bathroom, doing nothing that it was typically used for. Hell, he was just hiding, and he didn’t want Dwayne to know he was.
“Fuck….”
Robin wiped his eyes and used the toilet, then returned to Dwayne’s room and got back into bed. It was still early, and thankfully Dwayne fell back to sleep, which gave Robin more time to think. One thing he learned over the next few hours, though, was that time to think was the worst fucking thing in the world.
WHEN HE woke again later, Robin’s head had stopped spinning and he was alone. The bed seemed big and rather cold. His clothes had been folded and left for him at the end of the mattress. Robin pulled them on and when he opened the door, he heard Dwayne on the phone.
“Is that why you called?” He sounded uptight and on edge. “Look, I’m not going to apologize for being who I am. It isn’t going to happen, so you and Dad are either going to have to get used to it or—”
Robin didn’t know if he should just go back into the bedroom or not. It seemed like Dwayne was having some sort of heavy conversation with his mom. He peered into the living room and went to the sofa to fold the bedding he’d used before Dwayne had come home. He didn’t look at Dwayne in the kitchen and pretended not to pay attention. What he was talking about certainly was none of Robin’s business.
“What am I supposed to do for work? The department there made their feelings more than abundantly clear.” Dwayne grew quiet and then scoffed. “Right. I’m going to work in the plant the way Dad did all those years.” He huffed. “I make more than twice what Dad did in a good year, and I like my job. Why would I work at some awful place that I’d hate just so I could be back under your thumb? Sorry, Mom, but Little Hope and I have parted ways, and I don’t think we’re ever going to get back together again.” Plates tinked as Dwayne set them on the counter. “Just give it a rest, Mom. You and Dad could have stood up for me, but nope. You let the asshats in town do what they wanted because it was easier. … I’ll swear about them if I want to. They deserve it and you know it. … No, Mom, I don’t think I’ll be coming back there for quite a while, and it’s going to take me some time to be able to deal with what you and Dad did.”
Robin joined Dwayne in the kitchen and helped with the toast. He let Dwayne make the rest of breakfast. He’d already demonstrated his lack of proficiency in that department, and he didn’t want to take the chance of poisoning the one person who’d been kind to him.
“I’ll talk to you later. Right now this conversation is making me angry, and I have a friend over.” He smiled over the phone. “Yes, Mom, he’s a real nice guy. Actually, I think you might like him. … Yes, Mom. … Then maybe part of that attitude is why you won’t be seeing your son—the only one you have—for the foreseeable future. You’re so interested in looking to the church for answers and letting them run your life, I suggest you pray on that for a while and see what kind of answers you receive, because I’m afraid you’re not going to like the ones you’d get from me.” Dwayne placed his phone on the counter and pushed it away.
“I’m sorry.” Robin didn’t know what else to say. Dwayne had told him that he could understand the troubles Robin had with his parents, but he hadn’t really believed him. Not until now. “It hurts when they don’t take your side.”
“It does.” Dwayne turned to the stove and finished cooking, filled the plates, and then brought them to the table. “They don’t understand, and as much as I might want them to, I doubt they ever will. And I have to learn to accept it.”
“We shouldn’t have to. They’re our parents. All the stories tell us that they should love their children unconditionally.” Robin pulled out the chair and sat. “So what did we do to deserve this?” He’d been searching for that answer ever since the day he found himself on the outside looking in.
“I think that’s where you’re wrong. We didn’t do anything wrong.” Dwayne sat across from him but didn’t pick up his fork. Instead, he stared at Robin as intently as he had last night, only this time for a very different reason. “That’s the fallacy in all this. We aren’t the ones to blame. You and I didn’t do anything. Parents should love their children unconditionally, and because ours can’t doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and me. It means there’s something wrong with them.” He reached across the table to take Robin’s hand, and Robin got the feeling deep inside he was seeing a part of Dwayne that few people ever saw. Dwayne was a strong man, yet this was a moment of weakness.
Robin squeezed in return. “It’s hard to believe that.”
“I know. But why?”
Robin blinked a few times. “Maybe because we relied on them so much growing up that we want to believe our parents are always right.” He sighed. “But they’re not. And neither are we.”
“Nope. But we do deserve to be loved and cared about for who we are, just the same as everyone else. You’re gay and I’m gay. That doesn’t mean we did anything wrong. It’s part of what makes us who we are.” Dwayne released his hand and picked up his fork but didn’t take a bite from his plate. “I was born this way… so, I didn’t do anything to make myself gay. They need to accept that because I’m tired of apologizing for it or thinking there’s something wrong with me.” Dwayne jabbed at the bites of ham he’d cooked into the eggs.
“There isn’t anything wrong with you. At least your parents want you to come home. They want you around.” Robin lowered his gaze and took a bite of eggs, but they tasted chalky on his tongue.
“They only want me there on their terms. Live alone and quietly, don’t make any waves, and certainly don’t have anyone in my life for them to have to see.” Dwayne ate his bite, then continued. “I can’t do anything about it, and I have to accept that.” It was clear Dwayne could say that as much as he wanted, but accepting it was much easier said than done.
“Who are you trying to convince?”
Dwayne nodded and pointed at himself with his fork. “Myself obviously. I can’t even do that, so how could I hope to convince anyone else?” He managed an uncomfortable smile and then lowered his gaze, digging into his food.
Robin hoped the discussion portion of the morning was coming to an end soon, and he began eating again as well. He knew Dwayne was right and the problem was really with his parents. At least he wanted to hope that was true so very much, because if it was, then he wasn’t the deeply flawed person he’d always been led to believe he was.
“Should we talk about last night?’ Robin whispered under his breath, without looking up. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut and left things alone, but that was never one of his strong suits. If he knew what was going to happen or where he stood, he could take what life had in store. “Maybe I should find someplace else to live.” Robin could feel his cheeks warming like a portable heater, and he wondered if he was actually raising the temperature in the room. “I mean, you had a little too much to drink, and I guess I did too, and well—” His mouth was running a mile a minute, and he was more nervous than he had been at the club when he’d first taken that guy’s money.
“Robin.” Dwayne was right behind him, and he’d been so busy jabbering, he hadn’t seen him stand and walk over. “I don’t regret last night. Do you?” He gently ran his hands over Robin’s shoulder and then down his chest to his belly. Robin stifled the urge to laugh and tried to think about anything other than Dwayne’s hands on him. It was hard… and instantly so was he.
“No. But I didn’t know if you…. I mean, people do things they regret when they’ve been drinking.” He turned his head so he could see Dwayne.
“I’d only had a few beers, and while they might have greased the way, in a manner of speaking, I wouldn’t change anything that happened.” Dwayne leaned closer, and his hot breath touched Robin’s ear. “I wanted to spend the night with you as soon as I saw you at the club. Remember? You propositioned me, and damn, I took one look in those heavenly blue eyes of yours and I was half lost.”
“You spent that entire night dancing with those other boys.”
“Yeah. But I kept looking for you. And those boys all have partners, and they were being nice and making sure I wasn’t sitting all alone. That was all.”
Robin shivered and leaned into Dwayne’s warmth. “Did you come looking for me? Is that why you found me?”
Dwayne sighed. “No. Finding you in the alley in time was part luck and part police hearing. And probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So I don’t regret what happened last night, but if you’re uncomfortable with it—” He pulled away, his hands trailing up Robin’s chest and then to his shoulders. “—I’ll back off, and you can go back to sleeping on the sofa. I’m not into making someone do anything they don’t want to.”
Robin sighed. “I just don’t understand why you’d be interested in me.”
“Have you taken a look in the mirror lately?” Dwayne asked.
“Yeah. I’m this skinny guy whose mother doesn’t even want him. Why would a god in a blue uniform like you want me?”
“I don’t know what mirror you’ve been looking in, but I think you need to find a different one.” Dwayne gently massaged his shoulders, and Robin groaned softly. “Remember what I said about parents. I wasn’t just talking about mine. Accept that your mother has her own issues, and you don’t necessarily know what those are. But they aren’t your issues.”
“That’s easy for you to say. Your mother at least cared enough to contact you. Mine hasn’t even tried, and—”
“Okay. That’s true, but I want you to know that other people see things in you that maybe you don’t.” Dwayne lightly sucked on his ear, and within seconds Robin forgot about anything else. “Don’t worry so much about what your mother did or didn’t do, and concentrate on what you think would make you happy now.” He backed away once again and returned to his seat.
“Okay.” Robin breathed deeply and willed away the bubble of heat that surrounded him. He pulled at his shirt to get some fresh air near his slightly sweaty skin. “Did you really like me… like that, when you first saw me?”
“Yes.” Dwayne grinned. “Now go ahead and finish your breakfast. I need to go to the grocery store and run a few loads of laundry, but other than that, I have a day off and I thought I could show you around, and then let’s see if we can find something fun to do.”
“Like what?”
“I haven’t figured that part out yet. We could drive down to Gettysburg and have lunch. If you want we could take one of the bus tours or walk through the cemetery. Maybe look at all the tourist stuff for sale.” Dwayne leaned over the table. “There’s a place there with the best ice cream, and they also make their own fudge.” He looked like a kid for a few seconds.
Robin smiled. “Sounds good.”
“Then finish your breakfast and we’ll get started.” Dwayne ate the last of his food and took care of his plate. Then he started the washing machine, and by the time Robin was done, Dwayne was ready to leave.
The trip to the grocery store seemed more like a sprint, and when they returned, Dwayne shifted loads of laundry and put away the groceries. Then he ushered Robin into the car and took off through town, heading south.
They drove almost an hour through orchard country, up and down, over hills and through valleys and around creeks, until they burst out of the country and into the center of a field of monuments. It was stunning. The woods were there, and they’d just passed farmhouses, and then the field where part of the Battle of Gettysburg had taken place, with its road lined with stone markers and cars moving as if in slow motion.
“Have you been here before?” Dwayne asked.
“Yes. But it was some time ago. Middle school, I think. One of my classes arranged a field trip.” Robin swallowed hard. “It was the year after my dad died, and I already had a stepfather. I asked Mom if I could go and she agreed. My dick of a stepfather said it was too expensive. Mom gave me the money anyway.” Robin paused. “I think maybe that was the last time she stood up to him.” He shook off the dark memories. There was nothing he could do about them, and he was here with Dwayne under much more pleasant circumstances.
“Did you take the bus tour?” Dwayne asked.
“No. We came in a bus, and the teacher gave us his own tour.” Robin smiled as they continued on toward the center of town. “I don’t think any one of us heard a thing. One teacher’s voice against thirty wound-up students? He finally gave up and took us to Little Round Top, where we walked around and climbed and let out our energy. Then he put us back on the bus and we went home.”
“You guys were bad.” Dwayne gave a quiet laugh.
“We were just a bunch of cooped-up fourteen-year-olds with too much energy for our own good.” Robin sighed as they reached the traffic circle in the center of town.
Dwayne parked and pointed to one of the restaurants. “I called ahead and made a reservation. We have enough time for lunch, and then our bus tour is at two.” He smiled, and Robin felt the heat rise to his cheeks. Why did he blush and his heart beat faster whenever Dwayne smiled at him? “Are you hungry?”
Robin nodded, got out of the car, and followed Dwayne into the restaurant, where they were seated right away.
“Dwayne,” a man said as he approached the table. He leaned on a cane, but from the looks of him, he didn’t let anything stop him. “It’s good to see you.” He turned to the server. “Give this man whatever he wants.”
She took their drink orders, hurried away, and Dwayne turned to Robin. “This is John.”
“I was in Carlisle about… what… two months ago, and my leg decided to give out. I was wondering how I was going to get home because I wasn’t able to drive that way. Dwayne here helped me out, brought me all the way back here, and then helped arrange for me to get my car back.”
“John, I was only trying to help.” Now it was Dwayne’s turn to blush.
“Well, now I’m only trying to feed you. So order what you like.” John clapped Dwayne on the shoulder and left the table, presumably to go back to work.
Robin opened his menu and looked it over. His tastes in food were not very adventurous, and when the server returned, he ordered the hamburger with everything. Dwayne ordered the chicken pot pie. She brought them their drinks and continued on to the next table.
“I really didn’t do all that much,” Dwayne said, looking around and shaking his head. “John has been trying to get me to come down to see him for a while.”
“Is that why you picked this restaurant?” Robin drank most of his Coke, and the server took his glass to refill it.
“Partly. I also know this is one of the best here in town.” Dwayne smiled once again. “So… before all this started… what was it you used to do for fun?”
Robin swallowed pretty hard. “I don’t know. I had a bike and I used to ride, but that was a while ago. Mostly I watched television when I wasn’t working. I know it sounds kind of lazy, and maybe it was. But I was never very good in school. Reading and things like that were always difficult for me. I could do math okay, but mostly I’d try to read something and then I could never remember what I’d read or what it meant. So I figured, after high school, I’d get a job and try to support myself.” He sighed loudly. “Things don’t always work out very well. I thought I could stay at home for a little while longer until I could get on my feet.” Thankfully the server returned, and Robin gulped from his glass. “I’m not very exciting, I suppose.”
“But you have a job now.”
“Yeah. And I’m going to do my best to make sure Terry is happy with me.” Robin smiled, happy. “I get to be near the water and can swim again. I was thinking of trying to train and seeing if I’m any good. It’s been quite a while, but Terry said I had a good stroke, so who knows.” Just the thought of being able to do something he enjoyed again definitely excited him.
The server brought their meals, and Robin inhaled the delicious aroma and wondered where to start. The hamburger was massive, with a mountain of fries.
“This is huge,” Dwayne said, looking at his pot pie. “I don’t know if I can eat all this, but I’m hoping I’ll need some energy later.” He winked at Robin, and heat built anew.
Suddenly Robin was thinking of last night, blushing again. “Dwayne.” He looked down at his plate and snagged a french fry. “I think we should concentrate on having lunch and then some fun.” He didn’t want to think about what was going to happen tonight, at least not now, or he wouldn’t be able to keep his attention where it needed to be.
“Okay.” Dwayne dug into his pot pie, and Robin ate his lunch. He found it hard not to watch Dwayne, and more than once they broke into smiles and then laughter for no reason at all.
“What’s gotten into you?” Dwayne asked as Robin chuckled once again.
“Come on. You’re eating that stuff and looking at me as though I’m on the menu. It’s sort of obscene.” He sucked on a french fry, and Dwayne coughed into his napkin. “Two can play that game.”
“You’re so naughty.” Dwayne returned to his lunch, and Robin did the same.
“Can I bring you anything else?” the server asked a while later, once they’d both eaten everything they possibly could. “I can bring the dessert menu.”
“Oh goodness, no. Thank you, but we’re both stuffed.” Dwayne leaned back in the booth and patted his belly. “I’m going to get fat.”
“I don’t see that at all,” the server said with a smile.
“I agree with that. It would take more than one lunch to put anything on that flat belly of yours.” Robin leaned over the table. “I really couldn’t eat another bite. Thanks.” He touched Dwayne’s hand and made sure the server saw it. She took their plates and hustled from the table, then returned with drink refills and the check, which it seemed had been taken care of.
“Did you enjoy your lunch?” John asked as he hurried to the table.
“It was very good, thank you so much,” Robin told him. “I thought Dwayne’s eyes were going to roll back in his head, he was loving the pot pie so much.” He pursed his lips to keep from laughing, and Dwayne shot him a look of mild amusement that lasted a few seconds before morphing into full-on, albeit restrained, mirth.
“That was very kind of you,” Dwayne said.
“Nonsense. You really helped me when I needed it, and it only took months for me to get you to come down to see me,” John said, clearly pleased. “Are you sure you don’t want some dessert? Our carrot cake is heavenly.”
“Thanks, John, but you’ve stuffed both of us, and we’re going to need to get moving or we’ll miss the bus for our tour.” Dwayne shook John’s hand and thanked him once again. “I promise I’ll come back down, and you need to let me know if you’re going to be up in Carlisle.”
Robin slid out of the booth, Dwayne placed some tip money on the table, and John led them to the door, still saying goodbye as they stepped outside. “He’s such a nice man.”
“He is, and I’m afraid if we’d stayed, he’d have tried to feed us dinner, and it wasn’t necessary.”
“To him it was. Sometimes people just want to find a way to say ‘thank you for helping.’” Robin took Dwayne’s hand. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to thank you for everything you’ve done.” He still wasn’t sure how he was going to do that. He didn’t want Dwayne to think he’d slept with him out of gratitude. Good God, what if that was what Dwayne thought? After all, Dwayne had helped Robin after he’d done the stupidest thing in his life and tried to trade a blowjob for a fifty. What if Dwayne thought Robin was now trying to trade sex for a place to stay? Robin swallowed hard and pulled his hand back, but Dwayne held it a little tighter.
“You don’t have to do anything for me. Okay? Sometimes doing something nice is just that. I don’t expect something in return.” Dwayne led him back to the car and actually held his door open for him. That was totally unexpected and kind of nice.
He drove through town and parked at the back of the tour center. Dwayne got the tickets, and then they waited inside with the others before the bus pulled up and they all boarded.
Robin took a seat by the window, with Dwayne next to him, and after a few minutes, the guide boarded, introduced himself, and the tour began. Robin tried his best to listen to the details of the three-day battle as they made their way out of town and into the countryside. But when Dwayne circled his arm around him, Robin leaned close and the rest of the world seemed to fall away, if only for a little while. He was much more interested in the way Dwayne smelled and how nice it felt being next to him and being the center of his attention than he was in hearing about battle strategy. But after a few minutes, he focused on the narrative, with Dwayne staying close.
Their first stop was at the Eternal Light Peace Memorial, and they all filed off the bus. The guide explained what had happened in the trees behind them and then gave them some time to explore on their own. Dwayne wandered around the back of the huge memorial, with its obelisk that held the flame, and as soon as they were out of sight of everyone else, he tugged Robin toward the nearby woods and pressed him behind a tree, kissing him hard, both of them shaking.
“Is this what we really should be doing… in a place like this?” Robin asked breathlessly.
“I just needed to….” Dwayne kissed him again, the energy between them intensifying by the second. Approaching voices broke them apart, and they continued around the back to emerge on the other side, then walked slowly back to the bus as the rest of the tourgoers were already doing. Robin felt completely naughty and alive at that moment. As the tour went on, he leaned against Dwayne and did his best to listen as the guide’s recounting of the battle continued. More than once the guide’s narration seemed to veer off into a discussion of lips, kisses, and sexiness, but then Robin would come back to earth and realize what his own wandering mind was doing.
“We are now at Little Round Top,” the guide said as they pulled off and parked. He talked for a little while longer, and then they filed out of the bus and congregated at the top of the hill, where the guide explained the landscape and where the various armies were positioned.
“I’m sorry,” Robin whispered at the back of the group. “I’m finding it hard to concentrate today. There’s a certain guy who keeps doing things that makes me get all hot and sweaty.”
Dwayne stumbled slightly over nothing and caught his balance. “All I did was put my arm around you.”
“And kissed the heck out of me, then sat next to me, smelling amazing. And don’t forget the way your leg kept rubbing against mine. Wait… that was me, sorry.” Robin smiled, and Dwayne rolled his eyes. “I mean it. I keep thinking about you instead of what the guide is saying.”
“But are you having fun?” They stood together, looking out over the valley below.
“Yeah. Of course I am.” Robin scooted a little closer, thinking of the good things that had happened. “And tomorrow I start my new job.” He was a little nervous about it, but way more excited than anything else. “Are you?”
“Sure.” Dwayne put an arm around him once again as the wind blew around them. “I’m having the time of my life.” He tugged Robin closer, and he sighed. This was nice. The sun was warm, the wind light. Robin raised his gaze and enjoyed the warmth on his skin and the way Dwayne made him feel safe.
“Howard! Howard!” a woman near them cried. “Please, someone, we need some help.” Robin turned in time to see an older man crumple to the rocky ground. Dwayne released Robin and hurried over. “He has a heart condition.”
Robin raced over as well. “Someone call 9-1-1.” He knelt next to the man as Dwayne tugged open his collar. Robin checked for a pulse at his neck and didn’t find one. He checked a second time and then started CPR.
“An ambulance is on its way,” someone behind him said as Robin continued without taking a break.
“Check for a pulse,” he told Dwayne. He paused, and Dwayne checked and shook his head. The woman who’d been with Howard gasped, and Dwayne helped her as Robin continued chest compression and quick breaths. He paused and checked again for a pulse, and finding one, he stopped and listened, watching as the man’s chest rose and fell slowly. At least he was breathing on his own and his heart was beating once again.
“Is there a blanket on the bus?”
The guide hurried away and returned with one. Robin did his best to make the man comfortable as sirens approached and drew closer. Dwayne kept the others back as EMTs hurried toward them. Robin explained what happened and what he’d done, and let the emergency personnel take over.
“You saved him,” the woman, presumably Howard’s wife, said as they transferred Howard to a gurney.
“I hope so, ma’am. Go with them and stay with your husband.” Robin wasn’t sure what else to tell her. All that mattered was that Howard was okay, and at least for now, he was holding his own. The EMTs transported him to the ambulance, and she followed them and climbed inside. Soon they were on their way down the hill, the siren receding, their tour group in small clusters of people talking among themselves.
“We should move on,” Dwayne told the guide, and he hustled everyone on the bus for the ride back to the tour center.
Robin sat in his seat, quietly watching out the window.
“That was amazing.”
“I’ve taken CPR classes many times for my lifesaving courses. I’ve practiced multiple times, but I don’t think I ever thought I’d actually use it.” He turned, blinking up at Dwayne. “I don’t think anyone does.”
“Maybe not. But you did, and you saved his life.”
“You could have done it, I’m sure.” Robin returned his gaze to the window. “I just reacted on instinct. I’ve been trained enough that it was nearly second nature.”
Dwayne leaned closer. “Why are you upset?”
“I don’t know.” He rotated toward Dwayne. “Because if I’d done something wrong, then he could have died.” Robin wrung his hands in his lap.
“You didn’t. You did everything right. I probably could have done CPR, but you were right in there and were on your way before I could do it. Everyone was doing what you told them, and they snapped to because you knew what to do and were confident in what you knew.” Dwayne once again put his arm around him. “I’m so proud of you.”
“But I didn’t do anything others wouldn’t have.” Robin was nervous as hell and leaned close to Dwayne. “What if I’d hurt him and she came after me? I saw that on television once.”
“Good Samaritan laws protect you.” Dwayne leaned closer. “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be concerned about. You’re a hero, and you need to let that sink in.”
“I’m just me. What happened doesn’t change anything.” Robin sank into the seat and leaned against Dwayne, hoping Howard was truly going to be okay.
When they reached the tour office, everyone filed off the bus. As Robin climbed down the steps, a number of the other tourists were waiting for him and each one shook his hand and gave him a smile. “Thank you” was all he said to each person, and he was never so happy as when Dwayne guided him back to the car and he got inside.
“Can we just go home?”
“Of course,” Dwayne said, and Robin stared out the window as Dwayne turned out of the parking lot and drove back through the center of town on their way home. “I don’t understand why you’re upset,” Dwayne asked once they were in the country and well along the way. “You did something extraordinary. You saved another life.”
“Yeah, but what if I had messed up?” He turned to Dwayne. “I know I was trained and I did what I was supposed to do. But if I’d failed….”
“You didn’t, and if Howard had died, it wouldn’t have been your fault. No one would have blamed you. His heart attack would have been too great, and in that case, he was just too far gone. It wouldn’t have been because you did anything wrong.”
“Oh.” Robin hadn’t thought of that.
“What you did was give Howard the gift of life, and you did it without thinking about anything other than trying to help.” Dwayne reached over and patted his arm. “As I said before, I’m proud of you. I became a police officer because I wanted to help people. I’m trained in CPR, as well as basic first aid. But you had already started before I even thought about it, and that’s amazing, because time matters in situations like that.” He smiled, and Robin finally breathed a sigh of relief.
“I guess sometimes it’s easy to believe that you’re a complete screwup when that’s what you’ve been told for so long.” Robin pushed the voice of his stepfather out of his head. He knew he shouldn’t have listened to him, but over time, it had been difficult.
“Your stepfather?”
Robin nodded.
“I want to smack your stepfather so badly,” Dwayne said, and Robin smiled. “So help me, if I get my hands on him….” Dwayne gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles turned white. “Did your mother really go along with him all the time?”
Robin shook his head. “Not at first. Stan was nicer then. I think he really liked my mom, but I didn’t like him because he wasn’t my dad. But over time I think he showed his true colors. Stan’s a bully, and he likes things to be the way he wants them. I think he overwhelmed my mom and she went along with him because he had a temper.”
“Did he hit her?” Dwayne asked.
“Not that I ever saw, and I don’t remember her being bruised or anything. He wasn’t one of those people who yelled. Stan rarely did that. But he….” Robin tried to figure out why his stepfather was one of the most menacing people he’d ever met. He tilted his head in thought. “Stan made his will known, and crossing him meant paying somehow. He’d hold grudges and take things away. You knew it was coming but were never sure where it was going to come from. And he controlled all the money in the house. When I got my first job, he tried to convince me that I should give him my money and he’d give me what I needed as an allowance, saving the rest for me. I told him that I was going to handle my own money and refused to hand anything over to him. The next day, I came home and found a padlock on my bedroom door. I knew he’d do something like that.”
“What an asshole,” Dwayne muttered, once again clutching the wheel.
“Yeah. That was one of the few times Mom stood up to Stan—well, sort of. She told him that it was important that I learned how to manage my own affairs. She also said that we don’t lock things up in this house and that she’d lock the refrigerator.” Robin smiled sadly. “I remember her turning away from the room, and Stan took the lock off my bedroom door, but I knew he was seething about it, and I don’t know what he did, but my mom was quiet after that and never stood up to him again. She did what he wanted and went along with him on just about everything, even letting him kick me out of the house.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah. I guess I never trusted him.” He stared out the window once again.
“Then why did you listen to him? His opinion shouldn’t have mattered to you at all.”
“Because I was trying to take care of my mom. And it’s hard to turn shit off when you hear it every day.” Robin took a deep breath and looked in Dwayne’s direction. “Of course, he got validation whenever I got my report cards. I was never good in school. It was hard to remember what I read, so my grades were pretty bad, and I heard the lecture about how I was dumb and good for nothing whenever he saw my grades. He used to go to school with my mother just so he could talk to my teachers and then throw whatever they said in my face. I wasn’t working hard enough. I didn’t care about my future…. I was lazy.” He wiped his eyes as the tears he didn’t want to shed fell anyway. “He made me quit swimming because my grades weren’t good enough. I worked hard to keep them sufficient to qualify for the team. It was the one thing I was good at, and he took it away. Do you know how that feels to a kid? Fuck, I shouldn’t dump all this on you.”
He turned away, wiping his eyes once again and wishing he’d never gone down this path. Talking about his stepfather was only a source of misery, and he felt like a punching bag once again. This crap had to stop. Stan might have kicked him out, but the good thing was that he was away from that asshole. Lord knew Dwayne wasn’t anything like him at all, and he really seemed to like Robin. He was gentle and caring. Dwayne was also as hot as anyone he’d ever seen, and even now Dwayne kept looking over at him like he couldn’t stop.
“But you’re an adult now, and you can choose the things you want to believe,” Dwayne told him, but Robin shook his head.
“That’s easy to say, but how well has that been working for you?” He had to push back. That was way too simplistic for him to believe. If that were true, then everyone on earth would be perfectly well adjusted just by saying that their parents were messed up and that they shouldn’t listen to it.
Dwayne didn’t have an answer for him.
“I thought so.” Robin touched Dwayne’s arm. “I heard you on the phone with your mom. Whatever she wanted hurt.”
“Yeah, it did. I know they want me to come home.”
“But on their terms, and in a way that makes them happy. It doesn’t matter how you feel.”
“No.”
“And was that easy to just slough off and say it didn’t matter?” Robin knew he was making a point, but he didn’t want to hurt Dwayne to do it, so he kept his voice light. “Sometimes parents suck.”
“Yes. That’s true. But we’re still our own persons, and we can try to reject their crap and be ourselves. Is it easy? Hell no.”
Robin had to agree with that. “I only wish I knew what I did to make my mother reject me like that.”
“Maybe it wasn’t your mother. I mean, maybe it wasn’t you or her. Maybe it was Stan, the asshole. If he’s a bully and he’s got her under his control, then maybe she didn’t see any other choice.” Dwayne pulled to a stop at a light in Mount Holly Springs. “Have you thought of trying to contact your mother when you know your stepfather isn’t around?”
Robin shook his head. “I’ve just been trying to get through the days. She made her feelings clear enough when she stood behind Stan and said nothing at all.” He could still see her face. There were no tears or anything. She just stood there as though she didn’t care one bit.
“You could try,” Dwayne said.
That was the last thing Robin wanted to do. What if she rejected him again and this time there was no doubt about how she felt? He wasn’t sure his heart could take that without breaking into a million pieces.
“I don’t know.” He turned once again to watch out the window. It was a lot easier than seeing the disappointment he knew he’d see if he looked at Dwayne.
“It’s okay. I understand.” Dwayne continued driving. “Every time my mother tells me she wants me to come back, I’m happy. She means well in her own way. But if I do, I can’t join the force there. That’s completely cut off for me, and she knows that. She wants me back, but only if I somehow give up the part of me that’s gay, because she and Dad can’t accept that. In a way it’s her rejecting me all over again because she doesn’t or can’t love me for who I am.”
“But at least you’re talking,” Robin said. “Maybe if you do that enough, they’ll come to understand.” He wasn’t sure that was possible with his mom. “How about we talk about something happier? This is getting way too heavy.” He tried to smile but wasn’t sure if he succeeded. “It was a very nice day, and I had a lot of fun.”
“That’s good.” Dwayne smiled, and they continued the short drive into town. “I have things for dinner, so when we get home, I’ll make something.” He parked in his usual spot, and they’d just made it inside when Dwayne’s phone rang.
“Hey, Carter,” Dwayne said. “What’s going on?” He put down his stuff. “You have to be shitting me.” He turned on the television. “What channel?” He pointed, and Robin sat down in time to see himself on the ground, administering CPR.
Holy shit. Someone had filmed him saving Howard’s life. How fucking tacky was that?
“A young man who obviously knew what to do because it appears he saved the man’s life. As of yet, we don’t know the name of the victim or the young man who helped him,” the announcer said when the film ended and they returned to the studio. “But it’s nice to know there are people who will help when it’s needed.”
“You’re right, Jim,” the woman next to him said, with her perfect black hair and beautiful smile. “The man is a hero.” The broadcast went on to another story, and Robin turned off the television.
“Yeah. I was there as well.” Dwayne came over and handed him the phone. “It’s Terry.”
Robin was confused momentarily and realized he must have missed Dwayne getting another call. “Hi.”
“Good job!” Terry said. “You know your stuff. I’ve used my training a few times in my career, and we all hope we don’t need to. But it’s the mark of a good lifeguard to know what to do when it’s needed.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll definitely get you started.”
“Okay. I’m looking forward to it.” Robin handed Dwayne the phone back, and it rang a minute later. It seemed half the guys he knew on the force had seen him in the background of the tape, and now he was explaining to someone else what had happened and how proud he was about the whole thing. It seemed like a long time since Robin had done something to make anyone proud of him.
Thankfully the phone eventually stopped ringing, and they went to start dinner. “Feeling better?”
Robin nodded and smiled. “It’s weird seeing myself on television.” He leaned over the counter. “It was kind of tacky for someone to film that. What if he had passed away? Then his wife would have to watch it over and over again.” He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “What time is your shift tomorrow?”
“I’m still on second shift, so I can take you in to meet Terry in the morning.” Dwayne pulled out some spaghetti and set it on the counter. “I thought I’d make some sauce. I have jar stuff, but I doctor it to make it taste better.” He got to work, and Robin stayed out of the way. “You can do the garlic bread,” Dwayne offered.
Robin figured he couldn’t mess that up too badly and followed Dwayne’s instructions. Soon he had it ready to go in the oven, then sat at the table. It was nice to have someone to do normal things with.
“Smells good,” Robin said, and he wished there was something else he could do.
Dwayne put the pasta in to cook and then began making some salad before sliding his phone to Robin across the counter. Robin stared at it. He could call his mother’s number and the caller ID wouldn’t show it was him. She might even answer. It wasn’t likely to be Stan, and if for some weird reason he did answer, Robin could hang up. Dwayne didn’t say anything and continued prepping the salad.
Robin looked at the phone for quite a while, then picked it up, dialed the number, and waited for an answer. When he heard his mother say hello, he nearly hung up again, unable to talk over the lump in his throat.
“Mama,” he said softly.
She didn’t answer right away, and then she sniffed once. “Irene, I’m glad you called.” He heard her shifting, and it took him a second to catch up. Irene was his mother’s dearest friend and she would certainly know her voice. “Give me just a minute.” The television played behind her, then faded. “Is it really you?” she asked quietly.
“Yes, Mama. It’s me. I called to tell you that I’m okay and staying with a friend.” He held his breath.
“I can’t say right now. Maybe we can talk tomorrow when I have more time. I’ll try to call you.”
“This is my friend’s phone. But if you call, he’ll get me a message.”
“Okay, Irene, I’ll call tomorrow.”
“Bye, Mama.” Robin hung up and turned to Dwayne. He wasn’t sure what was going to come out of this.
“What did she say?”
“She covered up the call with Stan, and she’s going to call tomorrow.” He handed Dwayne back the phone, then sat at the table. “My mom shouldn’t be so afraid of someone that she’d have to lie in order to talk to someone on the phone.” He sighed. “Can you look into Stan? I’ll give you whatever information I can, but something isn’t right about the guy.”
“What do you hope to find?” Dwayne asked, bringing over the salad.
“I don’t know. Maybe he kicked puppies as a kid or did something bad before he married my mom. I know there has to be something about him. He’s too selfish and mean-spirited not to have crossed paths with someone at some point.”
“I’ll see what I can do. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll see what there is.” Dwayne turned off the sauce and drained the pasta, then tossed them together. “Now why don’t you call your sister and let her know you’re all right?”
That was a good idea, and Robin dialed her number but didn’t get an answer. He left her a message, bringing her up to date. He gave her Dwayne’s number because he didn’t have a cell phone of his own, and hoped she’d call back.