“Colin, can you come into the office?” I asked later that morning.
He looked up at me. “Don’t you need me to stay on the shop floor?” he asked.
“Dad will be OK for a few minutes on his own,” I replied. My father had been working on the shop floor almost full-time all week. He said it was his last chance to relive his youth. I didn’t remind him that it was a life he’d once claimed was too small for him. I was a bit exhausted from trying to work out the motivations of the men in my life, and Colin was no exception.
The office was already almost bare. Missy had collected most of her things and was going to do the winding-up procedures for us from home. I’d started packing up paperwork into boxes, which I moved out of the way so Colin could sit on the wing-back chair.
“Take a seat,” I said, gesturing to the space I’d cleared.
He didn’t say anything as he sat, and I rubbed a hand across my face. I didn’t even know how to begin this conversation. I had no evidence, only a feeling, and if he denied it he could probably take me to a tribunal or something.
“Colin,” I began.
“Is this about Xander Stone?” he asked.
“Sort of.”
“And Ruby Bell?”
A wave of relief washed over me. Was he actually going to make this easy for me? It could only have been Colin, and he must have overheard Xander and me talking that day.
“I think you’d better tell me everything,” I said.
He sighed and sank back in the chair. He looked very young all of a sudden. I think we all forgot sometimes that he was only twenty-two – because of the way he dressed he seemed so much older.
“I’d overheard your mum and dad talking about selling the shop,” he began. “I know what you’re going to say but I don’t think any of you realise how much I overhear in this place. None of you notice me. Sometimes it feels like I don’t exist.”
He was right of course – we had always excluded him. We always said that he didn’t try to be included, but that wasn’t an excuse for us not to try.
“Anyway, I was furious that you hadn’t said anything to me,” he went on. “It was just another thing everybody knew about except me and I’d had enough, so I came upstairs to talk to you about it.”
“But you knew I was with Xander.”
“You’re always with someone, Megan,” he said. “You’re either with someone or too busy to talk or your mum tells us not to bother you.”
“Mum does that?”
“Yeah, she’s kind of overprotective of you, isn’t she?”
I nodded. After our conversation last week I’d begun to realise that both my parents had been a little overprotective for a while.
“You’ve been through a lot. It’s no surprise she’s worried about you.”
“She’s still worried about me?” I asked.
“Perhaps she always will be,” Colin said, with wisdom beyond his years. He was right about everything he’d said.
“Anyway,” I said. “You came upstairs to talk to me and I’m guessing you overheard Xander and me talking about him writing as Ruby Bell.”
“It took me a while to work out what you were saying, but when I realised it was a bit of a shock and I didn’t really know what to do. I could hardly come in then because you’d have known I heard, so I just sort of froze and then it went silent and I thought that maybe he was kissing you so I went back downstairs.”
I nodded. That must have been when I heard him, just as Xander was going to kiss me.
“What made you go to the papers though, Colin?” I asked.
“I was just so angry with you both,” he said.
“I can understand you being angry with me. I’ve been very self-absorbed over the last few years and that’s not been fair on anyone. I guess I’ve been really hard to work for, but I don’t understand why you were angry with Xander.”
Colin looked away. “It’s stupid really, but I felt as though he’d let me down. He’s one of the greatest writers I’ve ever read – Boxed totally changed my life and made me realise that ordinary people could do extraordinary things, but then he was this romance writer as well and he went to your book group and danced your Regency dances.”
“But you just said yourself that Xander is ordinary. He was just having fun.”
“It didn’t feel like that to me though. It felt like another slap in the face on top of you all ignoring me and not telling me what was going on.” He paused. “They always say you shouldn’t meet your heroes.”
We had all treated him badly, every single one of us – me, Mum, Missy, even Dad to an extent. We’d taken him for granted, assumed he’d run the bookshop and cover shifts at the last minute, never invited him to book group or on outings. It was no wonder he’d had enough of us all. It was no wonder he was so angry. He never spoke about his life outside of the bookshop and as far as I knew none of us had ever asked. I wondered if he was lonely.
“I tried to talk to you again later that day,” Colin continued. “After Xander had gone, but you didn’t have time and I was so furious that I…” He broke off, clearly embarrassed by what he’d done. “I know someone who’s a journalist so I phoned her up. I wasn’t expecting it to make the front page.” He put his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Megan, I’ve been a complete idiot. I did try to talk to you after Xander brought the paper in but…”
“I ignored you again, didn’t I?” I sighed. “We’re both at fault here, Colin. I’m sorry that I’ve ignored you when everything in the bookshop is so turbulent. You probably knew things weren’t going very well financially too, didn’t you?”
He nodded. “I’m surprised you kept me on this long,” he said. “And I don’t mean that in a ‘poor me’ sense at all. I’m just surprised you could afford to pay me. But I’ll go now – that’s probably best.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you won’t want me working here after this.”
“Colin, the shop is closing forever in a few weeks. I’d like you to stay until the end – if you’d like to.”
“Really?” His eyes widened in surprise.
“And I’d like you to come to the Christmas Eve party too,” I said.
He hesitated. “OK,” he said. “But I really don’t want to wear Regency costume or dance.”
I held up my hands. “Fair enough,” I said. “And if I were you, I’d avoid the potato pudding too.”
He smiled a little at that.
“Colin,” I said, as he started to leave. “You know I’m going to have to tell Xander, don’t you?”
He nodded. “What do you think he’ll do?”
“I honestly don’t know, but I’ll do my best to try to let the whole thing fizzle out, OK?”
Colin’s smile widened. “Thanks, Megan,” he said. “I do appreciate it.”
“It’s OK. I’m sorry you felt so left out of everything over the last few months.”
He hesitated at the door of the office as though he’d just thought of something. “Is Xander coming on Christmas Eve?” he asked.
“He is, yes but I’ll make sure he doesn’t try to challenge you to a fight or whatever ex-boxers do.”
“I can’t really imagine Xander as a boxer, can you?”
I laughed. “He was welterweight apparently.”
Colin’s brow crinkled. “I don’t know what that means.”
“No, neither do I.”
After Colin had left, I texted Xander.
I know who your whistle-blower is, I typed. And then, before I lost my nerve, I scrolled through my contacts list and dialled a number I should have dialled a lot more often.
*
“Hi, Christine,” I said when Joe’s mum answered. “How are you?”
“Megan, how lovely to hear from you!”
“I’m so sorry that I haven’t called in such a long time.”
“Oh that’s all right, love,” Christine replied. “We know you’re busy in the shop this time of year. I was just saying that to Neil the other day. He isn’t here right now, I’m afraid.”
“That’s OK,” I said. “But I do have some news.”
“You’ve met someone, haven’t you, love?”
I was taken aback a little. That hadn’t been the main reason I’d been calling, although I had been intending to tell Christine about Xander.
“Um… well… yes. Sort of,” I replied.
“Well it’s about time,” she said, and I could hear the genuine happiness in her voice. “Everybody needs a somebody.”
“It’s hard,” I said. “And a bit complicated, and I just keep thinking about Joe.”
“It’s bound to be hard. It’s a big step for you. But you know it’s what Joe would have wanted – just for you to be happy.”
“I know.”
“As long as the man concerned understands.”
“Oh, he does.” And I knew it was true. I knew Xander understood that Joe would always be part of my life.
“So,” Christine went on. “Who is he? Where did you meet him?”
“I met him here in the bookshop actually,” I said. “Have you heard of the novelist Xander Stone?”
“Oh my goodness yes, of course,” she exclaimed. “And it turns out he writes as Ruby Bell too. I love those Ruby Bell novels, although I read them on my e-reader so people can’t see I’m reading dirty books!” She laughed at her own joke. I’d always loved Joe’s mum’s sense of humour and she’d always been on my side, even when his dad took offence that I didn’t change my name after the wedding.
“Ah, you saw the story about Ruby Bell in the papers then?” I asked, and gave her an abridged version of everything that had happened.
“Well, you have been busy,” she said. “Neil will never believe it when I tell him. I hope it all works out for the two of you. You deserve some happiness, Megan, you really do.”
I squeezed my eyes together to stop myself from crying. I could have another relationship, meet another man, maybe even one day get married again. But Christine and Neil would never have another son. Joe had been their only child and I’d never been able to imagine how they lived with their sadness.
“Thank you, Christine,” I said. Her blessing meant everything to me. “Although that wasn’t actually the main reason I called.”
“No? What else have you got going on, Megan?”
“My dad came home a couple of weeks ago. He’s selling the bookshop, and he and Mum are going to live in Spain.”
Even Christine was silent for a few moments after that.
“Oh, Megan,” she said eventually. “But the bookshop is your home. What will you do?”
“I’m moving in with my friend until I find a place of my own. I think it’s time I stood on my own two feet for a while, don’t you?”
“Yes, yes I do,” Christine replied. “But what made your dad suddenly decide to sell the shop?”
“It wasn’t as sudden as it seems,” I said. “The shop hasn’t been doing very well for a long time and I think Dad wanted to release the capital he had in the building. It’s the right thing to do but we all thought it would take months and months to sell so the short time-frame is a bit of a shock.”
“And your mum’s going to Spain with him? That’s a turn-up.”
“I know, it was a bit of a shock for me too.” I paused. “They asked me to go with them, you know.”
“But you prefer the weather in Yorkshire.” Christine chuckled.
“This is my home,” I said. I knew Joe’s parents had always been a bit sad when I’d moved away from London, even though they understood why I needed to. “I know this is where I want to be and I might have a job that means I can stay here too.” I told her about Xander’s agent and the possibility of working with her. “But I’ll definitely be in London a lot more than I used to, so hopefully we’ll be able to see more of each other too.”
“That would be lovely. And your young man is in London too, no doubt,” she said.
“Yes,” I said, unable to stop myself smiling. “He is.”
Speaking to Christine had made me feel more settled, surer of my recent decisions. I had always been so grateful to her and to Neil for understanding that I needed my own space after Joe died and I was equally grateful now for her reaction to what I’d told her. But talking to Christine had also made me think about Joe, about how much I still missed him and how much I probably always would. I spent the afternoon in the bookshop, busy with customers and helping choose Christmas presents and stocking fillers while listening to the awful Christmas music Dad insisted on playing, but Joe was there with me all afternoon, just out of reach, and when we closed the bookshop I knew I needed to end the day in the same place in which I’d begun it.
*
We had scattered Joe’s ashes in the park behind his parents’ house in south London, the park he’d loved as a child and played football in as a teenager. We didn’t get permission to do it because we knew that permission would be denied, so Neil, Christine and I had gone out in the middle of the night to let Joe rest in one of his favourite places.
I knew that both of Joe’s parents would sit in the park to be with him but I had never been able to feel close to him there, because it wasn’t a place where I had memories of him. His park and football-playing days had been long over when I met him. The place where I felt closest to Joe was the bench near York Minster.
I sat down and curled my legs underneath me, snuggling deeper into my winter coat. I closed my eyes and remembered the first day we’d met, the sensation of the book in my hands, the way Joe’s smile had made me feel. I remembered our wedding day, an almost unbearably hot August afternoon, the makeup melting off my face and the photographer who wanted every photograph to be perfect. And I remembered Xander sitting here on the morning I was reading The Devil in Winter, not knowing the importance of the bench, both of us already attracted to each other but too afraid to admit it.
The last three and a half years had been the hardest of my life, but I knew now that life wasn’t meant to be easy. The hard things help us to change and to grow; they help us to move forward and to become better, stronger versions of ourselves. Eventually anyway. All things take time, and usually a lot more time than you expect.
Human beings have grown impatient, wanting instant gratification – social media likes and next-day delivery. But the really hard things in life take time to get over and the really good things require patience to achieve. I’d come so far in the last three years by being quiet, being patient, wrapping myself up in the bookshop and the friends I’d made through it.
But now it was time to spread my wings and I was excited.
“Be brave, Meg,” Joe had told me on my first day as an intern at Rogers & Hudson. This evening as I sat on our bench and remembered everything we’d been through together and everything I’d been through without him, I could hear his voice as though he was by my side.
Be brave, Meg.