What’s a habit? It’s something you do regularly, something that becomes, after a while, almost unconscious. Think about some of the habits you already have: for example, your morning routine. You get out of bed and proceed through a series of mindless tasks: Make your bed, use the bathroom, brush your teeth, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. These are habits you learned, many of them when you were a child, some of them later in life. By sheer practice, they’ve become automatic. They help get your day off to the right start.
It’s quite possible as well that you’ve got some bad habits. For instance, maybe you check your e-mails first thing in the morning rather than take a moment to center yourself. Or perhaps you eat a pastry every morning rather than a nutritious breakfast.
The habits for a healthy, happy marriage aren’t fundamentally different from other kinds of habits. They’ve got to be learned and practiced. Sometimes, in doing that, you’ve got to break bad habits that are injuring your relationship. Let’s look at an example.
Mary and Bob have unhealthy relationship habits. They’ve been married for fifteen years and, truth be told, don’t think too hard about their marriage. If you asked Mary if she felt close to Bob, she would say he’s like a comfortable shoe—worn and familiar. If you asked her if there was spice to their connection, she would say that spice is unrealistic after the first year of courtship.
If you asked Bob if he felt intimate with Mary he would say, “I guess, sure.” He might assume that all was well as long as Mary wasn’t complaining and as long as they had sex fairly regularly.
However, both Mary and Bob feel lonely, underappreciated, and stressed. They can’t quite pinpoint why because life appears relatively good: They’re healthy, their kids are doing fine, they each have jobs, and they share a nice home. And yet, there is a chronic underlying sense of dissatisfaction.
A typical weekday for Mary and Bob includes early-morning departures to full-time jobs, no communication until 3 P.M., Mary running kids to activities into the early evening, Bob coming home late from work and giving Mary a peck on the cheek, Mary complaining that he doesn’t help around the house, Bob feeling nagged, Mary folding clothes before going to bed without Bob, Bob staying up late to watch TV or work in the basement. Both of them end the day feeling lonely and unsupported.
Mary and Bob have sex about every other month or so. They go out to dinner together about four times a year. They see family and friends on weekends but rarely spend time alone together. Notably, they don’t have conversations with each other about the state of their relationship.
Poor Mary and Bob. They’re caught on the treadmill, the relentless pace of modern society that threatens to squeeze the joy out of living. Because of their bad relationship habits, they are asleep to the miracles in their midst.
It is likely that eventually one of them will encounter the potential for intimacy outside the marriage, maybe with a friend or colleague (which may or may not end the marriage). Or maybe Bob and Mary will simply numb out their intimacy needs, losing themselves in obsessive work, family activities, excessive drinking, shopping, or Internet use until one day, after the kids are grown, they’ll wonder, “Who is this stranger in my bed?” (if they even still share a bed). They will end their days feeling lonely and deadened inside.
And yet, there was a time when Mary and Bob were crazy about each other. They were so in love, in fact, that they willingly joined their lives. They chose to build a life together, have a family, and grow old side by side. But somehow, through the years, they lost sight of the intimacy that was the initial foundation of that hopeful beginning.
Habits—whether healthy or otherwise—create neural pathways or “grooves” in your brain. You want a brain grooved for emotional safety, compassion, and joyful connection. Repetitive healthy habits are the way to get this. Love might be the reason you got married, but a brain wired for intimacy is what will sustain your marriage over the long haul.
When Daniel and I began to live together, I thought at first that our great love would sustain us, and that keeping our intimate connection would be a breeze. But who was I kidding?
Nobody tells you how complicated a second marriage can be—or at least nobody told me. The love of my life was a package deal. He came with two children, an ex-wife, the ex’s new partner, that partner’s children, the ex-in-laws, and the usual assortment of ordinary in-laws.
I, too, was hardly an island. With three children, an ex-husband, his new partner, my ex-in-laws, and the usual assortment of extended family plus pets, I was more of an archipelago. Add to this a non-overlapping joint custody arrangement tracked by a six-month wall calendar that resembled air-traffic control, and life became complex and full indeed.
It was immediately apparent to me that regular healthy habits were our only hope of keeping a strong foundation for our marriage. Without them, we would be swept away in an avalanche of life.
Can small moments of daily intimacy really make that much of a difference? Yes! While traditionally recommended intimacy activities—such as weekends away, vacations, weekly sex, and hobbies together—are good for the health of your relationship, they are not enough. Without healthy habits practiced every single day, your relationship will suffer.
We know that the happiness habits in this book will help you feel closer every day, and we know because we use them! Their effectiveness is based on tried and true foundations.
I have seen happy couples become happier as they integrate these happiness habits into their daily routine, and I have seen distressed couples turn their relationship around as they work with these habits in their lives.
Each of the habits in this book creates an intentional break in the automated and seemingly relentless pace of life. They initiate a “pattern interrupt” to the usual stream of behaviors, thoughts, and reactions. In that space of purposeful interruption, the habit becomes a moment of intimate connection. Who among us doesn’t want more of that?
Essential to each habit is brevity: short and simple. If a new activity together is too time-consuming, labor-intensive, or expensive (such as taking up golf), it is less likely to happen. But easy suggestions, like “touch your mate during dinner” or “have a twenty-second hug at the end of the day,” are doable on a daily basis.
The strategy here is to avoid the “New Year’s Resolution Syndrome.” It’s easy to make a big proclamation about how everything is going to be different on January 1. But sadly, as you know, few resolutions are ever kept. By Valentine’s Day most are a distant memory.
The key to lasting change in your relationship (or any goal, for that matter) is to integrate bite-sized, practical changes into your daily routine. Over time, the wonder of a close relationship will become your reality. The beauty of couples’ happiness habits is that they set you up for success!
Having worked with many couples over the years, I’ve learned to expect certain questions. Here are a few of the queries that come up most often, along with our answers.
The answer is a resounding “Yes!” You are part of a dynamic duo. As you begin to make changes in your patterns, the entire relationship system will be affected. It may take two to tango, but it only takes one to redirect the dance. Try several new habits consistently for a few weeks and see how your mate responds.
Because you shouldn’t let your partner determine your level of consciousness. By consciousness, I mean your ability to respond with generosity, compassion, kindness, and love.
It’s easy to point your finger toward your partner and notice all the ways that he or she falls short, fails, and doesn’t meet your needs. But consider turning that finger around and pointing to yourself. Are you the kind of partner that you would want? How do you rate as a partner? Would you say, “I do,” to yourself? Do you meet your partner’s needs?
Be the partner that you would desire. If you raise the bar on behaviors that are thoughtful, warm, kind, and loving, chances are high that your mate will begin to respond.
Then “fake it ’til you make it.” Neuroscience has demonstrated that our feelings and our behaviors are connected. Just as changes in how you feel lead to changes in how you behave, so do changes in how you behave lead to changes in how you feel. That holds true for being nice, for behaving affectionately, and even for making love.
The habits help you feel connected immediately. However, it takes about twenty-one days of consecutive use for a habit to stick. So it’s best to try a few habits and see which ones you want to use regularly. Then commit to integrating them into your life for twenty-one days. Hint: It’s easy to forget the habits until they become second nature, so use Post-it notes or digital reminders as prompts for yourself!
Using the tools a little bit is better than not using them at all. You may find that you start using a tool and then forget it or switch to other tools. Don’t get discouraged if you let the habit slip. It takes time and awareness to create new patterns in your marriage. Any day is a good day to start—or restart—a new habit.
This perspective always amuses me because it makes love seem like such a drudgery, a chore, with all the sex appeal of cleaning toilets. Who wants more “work” in a world where we practically work 24/7 as it is?
No, relationships require nourishment, that’s all. Healthy habits are nourishment for a happy marriage. Think of your body: You can have plenty of unhealthy habits that will lead to heart disease, high cholesterol, and obesity. Or you can have healthy habits that make you feel alive and vibrant. Feed your relationship with unhealthy habits and you might end up in divorce court. But use the healthy habits in this book and together you’ll feel like a million bucks.