If your relationship were a plant, what condition would you say describes it? Dry? Blooming? Wilted? Robust?
Like a plant, your relationship needs regular tender loving care. It needs the soil of everyday connection, the nutrients of focused attention, and the sunlight of love. Watering your plant once or twice a year won’t suffice. Giving it sunlight every month or two isn’t enough either. Your plant needs nourishment every single day.
Fortunately, each day offers a wealth of transitional moments that are perfect opportunities for building habits that nourish your relationship and help feelings of connection and intimacy take root.
The key transitional moments in your day, as couples therapists have known for years, are the “launches” and the “landings” (how you separate for the day and how you reunite at the end of a day). But transition moments are happening all day long, and each one offers an opportunity to build healthy habits that keep yourself and your relationship nourished.
Use the daily habits in this chapter to build core connection skills so that you can soak up the warmth of intimacy throughout the day. They are organized chronologically from your first waking moment until your final goodnight.
PROMPT: Every day when you wake up, before you get out of bed in the morning
HABIT: Lie on your back and place one hand on your heart. Place the other hand on your lower belly. Rest like this for a minute and imagine you’re radiating a brilliant light. Breathe in the word “Love” (light shining on you) and breathe out the word “Love” (light radiating from you). Feel tenderness and compassion for you, as well as for your partner.
PURPOSE: The physical pose of this tool (hand on heart, hand on belly) mimics the comforting stance of an infant being held. When a baby is held by an adult, the entire length of his or her little body is cradled in the warmth of the grownup’s body. When you put pressure on those key points, you recreate a primal soothing feeling.
This habit also speaks to an important issue: self-compassion. When you have a daily grounding in self-love and self-compassion, you set the stage to improve your marriage. It is hard to give something you don’t have. Fill up your own tank with self-love every morning, and there will be plenty to share.
Twenty-nine-year-old Sarah had tears in her eyes. She and her husband were in a new marriage after a whirlwind courtship. But something was off track. She had come to see me because she felt that her low self-esteem was interfering with her relationship. She put her head down and sighed as she proclaimed, “I’m so stupid; I’m such an idiot really. I don’t know how Hugo can love me because I don’t even love myself. I don’t even like myself.”
Hugo had told her that her constant negative self-talk was a turnoff. Sarah said, “I know that he just wants me to be happy and feel good about myself.”
Clearly it wasn’t going to be enough to tell Sarah—or ask Hugo to tell her—that she was a wonderful, warm person with a lot of love to give. She had to get in the habit of feeling good about herself. I instructed her to start working with the “Good Morning, Sunshine” exercise and to continue with it until it became an ingrained part of her morning routine. She was willing but skeptical. She told me that even if she said the word “Love,” she wouldn’t feel it.
“That’s okay,” I assured her. “Just stay with breathing in the word and the light of ‘Love.’” Reluctantly, she agreed.
The next week she told me that the tool hadn’t worked. She said that when she put her hand on her lower belly, it disgusted her. “The only thing I could think about was how fat and fleshy my stomach felt. I’m sure Hugo must feel that way too, whenever he touches me.”
So many women are at war with their bodies. I suggested she keep both hands on her chest until she developed more tenderness toward her body. Most important, I reiterated that this exercise had to become a habit. She agreed to keep using the tool every day for twenty-one days. “We’ll see how you feel then,” I told her.
Sarah used the tool and reported to me that sometimes she got tearful when she breathed in the word “Love.” But as she continued to direct that love, that tenderness toward herself, she felt something inside her shifting. After the third week of consistent use, she beamed as she told me, “I can put my hand on my tummy now. It’s just another part of me. I think I’m making progress. You know, maybe I’m not so bad after all.”
“That’s great,” I said. “How is that affecting things with Hugo?”
Sarah’s smile turned gentle. “I’m not talking about myself in such a bad way. I can tell that makes him happy. Now that I’m not getting in my own way, I notice that I’m a lot better at telling Hugo all the things I love about him.”
REFLECTION: How do you interact differently with your spouse when you begin your day by loving yourself?
PROMPT: When you first wake up in the morning—or when your partner wakes up
HABIT: Establish a loving connection by saying to your spouse, “I love being married to you”—or words of your choosing. The exact words you use aren’t important; what’s essential is to convey a message that your partner is special to you (“You matter to me,” “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” or “I’m glad we’re going through life together.”). Say this in person if possible. If, for some reason, you’re not there, text it, e-mail it, leave a phone message, or stick a note to the refrigerator. An important element of this habit is to vary both the message and the way you deliver it. Continue to find new ways to verbally express your love until this becomes a natural part of your morning routine.
PURPOSE: How you greet your spouse in the morning sets the tone for the day. Couples therapist gurus, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of Conscious Loving and founders of the Hendricks Institute, teach the importance of the first daily communication. Gay has said that when he first sees Katie in the morning, he makes sure to tell her that she’s the most special person in the universe. Wow! No wonder they’ve been happily married for more than three decades.
In my first marriage, silence greeted me in the mornings. With a long commute ahead of him, my husband woke up hours before me. We agreed that he would sneak out without waking me.
In fact, we routinely had no interaction for the entire day. He told me that it was hard to touch base because he was so busy. In those days, texting didn’t exist, nor did we think to use e-mail. Usually he would call around 5 P.M. on his way home from work (this often being our first conversation of the day) at which time the subject matter was usually, “What’s for dinner?” There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with having large gaps of noncommunication. However, the lack of early-day intimacy, coupled with a growing overall deficit of attention and appreciation created the emotional distance that ultimately led to the breakdown of our marriage.
In my second marriage, we are more intentional about our first communication. Daniel is the earlier riser on most mornings … and he is often the first to offer kisses and words of love. When he departs early, he leaves me a love note. However, I know that this habit is also an important practice for me personally in order to keep my heart open. Therefore, before my day gets started, I’ll offer him some loving words as well. If I need inspiration, I will often think, “What would Gay say?”
REFLECTION: Do you prefer to hear words of adoration in the morning rather than say them? Be the one to set the tone for the day with happiness and love.
PROMPT: When you take a shower
HABIT: Think of someone in your life who loves you, a kind of “benefactor” in your life (in the past, present, or even future), whether he or she is currently on this planet or not. You may even choose a spiritual figure (such as Jesus or Buddha) or a beloved pet. Imagine that person’s love raining down upon you. As you stand in the shower, feel her love washing over you and saturating you completely. Let your heart expand as you receive and absorb this abundant love. Drink it into your body. Say or think, “I am showered with love.”
PURPOSE: Many people have a deep-seated fear that they are unlovable. They fear being rejected, abandoned, and isolated. As a result, they find their marriages lonely, isolating, and unfulfilling.
Interestingly, the template for the adult primary relationship has its roots in the infant’s relationship with the primary caretaker. “Secure attachment” occurs when the infant is consistently cared for with little separation, anxiety, or trauma. However, most people grow up with “insecure attachment.” This manifests in a marriage as either “anxious/ambivalent” or “avoidant” attachment styles. Don’t get too hung up on this terminology. All you need to know at this point is that “anxious/ambivalent” spouses tend to cling and then, if their needs aren’t met, withdraw. “Avoidant” spouses shut down their needs to protect themselves, and thus, also withdraw.
Two withdrawn spouses is a recipe for an unhappy marriage. To prevent this—or to fix it if you feel it’s happening in your relationship—you need to actively work to keep your heart buoyant and open. The daily habit of consciously filling yourself with abundant love is an antidote to the unconscious impulse to withdraw. Drenching yourself with such love every morning creates an overflowing, healing supply of love to share with others. Once your “cup runneth over,” you will find that love flows freely from you.
Josh and Tracy had been making excellent progress in our counseling. They were talking more honestly, connecting more intentionally, and sharing themselves more intimately. I felt encouraged and looked forward to wrapping up our work together.
But when they came into my office on this day, they both, metaphorically, had their arms crossed. Before they even said a word I sensed a powerful tension between them.
“Did something happen?” I asked.
Josh jumped in. “Tracy just shut down from me. It’s like she’s on some private island that I can’t get to. She won’t even talk to me … or if she does, she’s like some robot.”
I looked at Tracy and asked, “What’s going on?”
Just as Josh said, she was reserved, withdrawn. I could tell that something had triggered an emotional shutdown. I asked Josh, “When did this start?”
“I just made my plans for my brother’s birthday celebration …” he started.
Tracy interrupted him: “… without me.”
The story unfolded: Josh was joining his brothers on a fiftieth birthday trip to Las Vegas, and no spouses were invited. One of his brothers had asked for this once-in-a-lifetime brother trip. Unfortunately, the trip triggered an attachment injury for Tracy. Rather than feel happy for her husband, she felt hurt and abandoned, and so she shut down.
In shutting down, she compromised the “us” space of her marriage, creating a wall between them. I suggested the “It’s Raining Love” habit as a way not only to get past this crisis but to help her keep her heart open. She reluctantly agreed.
Afterward, I heard from the couple that the habit was successful—so much so that sometimes Josh joins Tracy in the shower just to make sure she’s feeling enough love.
REFLECTION: How would your life be different if you focused on the abundance of love that you have to give rather than on what you feel you need?
PROMPT: When you say goodbye before a parting, however brief
HABIT: Looking into the eyes of the one you love, place your hand over your heart and then move it, palm up, out to him, indicating “you have my heart.”
PURPOSE: How you “launch” from your spouse in the morning and how you reunite at the end of the day is extremely critical for a happy marriage. If your launches and landings are brief and insignificant, you will tend to take your marriage for granted. However, a habit of intentional connection will highlight your deep love and commitment to each other.
Saying goodbye doesn’t imply you won’t see each other again, but it does mean some period of separation, during which you’ll be thinking about a lot of other things. A habit of a loving farewell each day can remind you of the importance of your marriage and of your spouse.
Expressing love for one another at each parting becomes a way of holding each other close. It affirms your love’s permanence in an impermanent world. Living with the truth of the never-ending flow of time around you enriches your experience of the present moment.
When you adopt the habit of filling each parting with a conscious affirmation of love, you will fill each parting with a tenderness that will carry through the day.
On a chilly January day, everything was humming along as usual. But then, unexpectedly, it began to sleet. Snow and sleet in New England is, of course, never completely unexpected. Nevertheless, we hadn’t prepared ourselves for a storm.
Dan was due home by 6 P.M. but I had no way to reach him since his cell phone battery had died. As 6 P.M. became 6:30 P.M. became 7 P.M., I worked myself into a panic. With no way to reach him, I began to let my imagination assume the worst.
Finally, around 8 P.M., Dan called home on a AAA worker’s cell phone to tell me he had been in a three-car accident on a local road but that he was fine. I was so relieved to hear he was all right that I began crying on the phone.
Knowing that Dan was on his way home was a cause for celebration. I was also happy to know that we had parted in the morning with intention and intimacy.
REFLECTION: Does awareness of the fragility of life cause you to shrink in fear or does it open your heart to your deepest connection?
PROMPT: When you are at work and are about to have lunch
HABIT: Text your spouse/partner to let her know that you love her, that you’re thinking of her, and/or that you look forward to seeing her. Feel free to be playful and flirtatious—send nothing but sweet nothings.
PURPOSE: Staying connected through the day is a vital habit. The number one place for affairs to germinate is at the office. What starts out as a collegial friendship can easily deepen into an emotional attachment and eventually into a physical affair. But by establishing a habit of regularly communicating loving thoughts to your partner during the workday, you ensure that he or she remains focused on you as the most important person in his or her life.
Most spouses spend their days apart. If you don’t get in the habit of expressing your love to each other, you can start to dwell in separate spheres. Keeping connected with at least one daily text helps counteract the sense of living parallel lives.
Sally sat across from me with a smile on her face. The last time I had seen her, some three years previously, she had been overwhelmed by her life. At that time, she had a six-month-old baby as well as three-year-old twins. She had complained of feeling fat and unattractive. And she had felt distant from her husband. Although she had wanted to continue therapy, her life was too chaotic to schedule appointments.
During our final session, I had suggested that she find small ways to stay in touch with her husband during the day. Yes, it can be a challenge to stay close when kids are young and family demands are high, but that’s no excuse for putting the relationship on the back burner.
Now, I was amazed to see her looking trim and rested. She had come back for a few sessions to process the death of her beloved grandfather. She said that even though this loss was painful, in general she was extremely happy with her life. I was just about to ask about her husband when Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony wafted out of her purse.
“Oh, I’m so sorry about that,” she responded. As she moved to silence her cell phone, she glanced at the screen and commented, “Oh, it’s a text from Gerry.” She emitted a girlish giggle and blushed. “He’s so sweet.”
“How are things with Gerry?” I asked.
“We stay connected during the day now,” she said with a smile. “We love texting.”
“I’m so glad,” I said.
“What you didn’t tell me,” she continued, “is that staying connected during the day would keep us connected at night!”
REFLECTION: How do your days and nights flow differently when you know that you and your mate are intentionally bonded together?
PROMPT: When you’re at work, during a coffee break
HABIT: Look at a photograph of your beloved (on your desk, on your computer, on your phone, in your wallet). As you look at the picture, place your right hand over your heart and breathe deeply. Notice the details and recall the circumstances involved in the photograph: the event, the sweater, the mood, the weather. Remember the love that you have for this special person. Hold this loving feeling in your heart for up to twenty seconds, letting the feeling expand within you.
PURPOSE: When you intentionally summon a positive feeling into your awareness and then heighten and expand that feeling, you begin to create new neural pathways in the brain. Research shows that heightening a feeling for twenty or more seconds turns explicit memory (the recollection of an event) into implicit memory (a felt sense rooted in brain structure).
This tool is an adaptation of Rick Hanson’s “Taking in the Good” exercise. Hanson (coauthor with Richard Mendius of Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom) explains that intentionally recalling, re-experiencing, and mentally absorbing an event wires positive neural structures in the brain, making it part of your way of being.
Furthermore, placing your hand over your heart creates an immediate physical feeling of calm and connection.
“You may turn on all portable electronic devices,” announced the flight attendant. People around me began turning on their laptops. I returned my attention to the book that I was reading.
The older gentleman beside me pulled out his wallet and began sifting through photographs. I glanced over and saw him smiling as he looked at the picture of himself with his arms around a woman.
He turned to look at me and said, “That’s me with my beautiful wife. We’ve been married for thirty-seven incredibly happy years.”
Being a couples therapist, I couldn’t resist asking a nosy question: “What’s your secret for a happy marriage?”
He smiled and sighed. “Well, let’s see … what is the secret? For me, you know, I never lose sight of the fact that I’m lucky to be sharing my life with this amazing woman. When I look at this picture, I just experience that truth right here,” he said, gesturing to his heart.
“Wow,” I murmured, “So you look at her picture when you travel just to remember your love?”
He smiled. “Not just when I travel. I look at this picture—or some picture of her—every day. This is my favorite, for some reason. We were on our twentieth wedding anniversary trip in France.”
I pressed him. “You look at her picture every single day?”
“Of course,” he answered. “I like the feeling I get when I look at it. It reminds me that I’m a lucky son of a bitch … pardon my French.”
We both smiled.
REFLECTION: Allow yourself a moment to really see your spouse in the picture and feel what it’s like to love that special person.
PROMPT: When you reunite at the end of the day
HABIT: Greet each other with enthusiasm. Be excited and grateful that your beloved has come home. Stop what you’re doing, engage in a full body hug (stomach to stomach), and hold the pose for twenty or more seconds. Feel your bodies relax into each other and say, “I’m so glad you’re home.” (Feel free to use whatever words and phrases best express your love.) If you’re the one coming home, go up to your spouse, engage in the extended hug and say, “I’m so glad to be home.”
PURPOSE: This reunion hug will feel unusually long at first. However, it takes twenty seconds to stimulate the flow of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When you activate the release of this hormone, you start to feel closer and more connected right away.
You might find it initially challenging to make this exercise into a habit, because if you’re the one coming home, you will have many demands on your attention (check the mail, check the e-mail, hug the kids, return a phone call). And if you’re the one already home, you may feel inconvenienced to drop what you were doing in order to engage in this ritual. Most of us are used to a cursory “welcome home” peck—if that.
However, when you develop the habit of this oxytocin-rich reception, you ignite passion. You increase awareness of how precious your partner is to you, and you break the cycle of dull routine and complacency.
Sally complained that her husband barely noticed her when he came home from work. She looked at me and sniffed, “He happily hugs the kids; he even pats the dog enthusiastically. Me? I barely get a nod.” Sally wanted more than anything to know that she mattered to her husband.
I knew how she felt. There had been too many times when Dan came home and I felt invisible. Or worse, times when I came home and greeted good old Hickory, my faithful golden retriever, with real enthusiasm while Dan got a simple “Hi.”
It just didn’t seem right that upon coming home, I could get down on the floor to rub Hickory’s belly whereas to Dan I would just say, “Hey, did you remember to pick up milk?”
Yep, guilty. And so, one crisp autumn afternoon, after reflecting on this unsatisfactory reunion, I decided to turn things around and give Daniel a complete puppy welcome. That evening, rather than wait for him to enter the house, which would be customary, I bounded out the front door, ran to him outside and gave him a big hug.
He naturally attempted to pull back after a second but I held on longer. I held on for dear life. Dan began to laugh and started to hug me back.
At that precise moment, our neighbor across the street appeared at the end of his driveway. This curmudgeonly neighbor, a man whom we had hardly ever seen in three years, barked, “Maybe you’d better take it inside.”
And so we did.
REFLECTION: How do you feel when you make your partner feel cherished when he or she walks in the door?
PROMPT: When you’re having dinner together, on an average weeknight
HABIT: This habit has two parts: First, turn off the TV and/or all screens while you’re eating. Second, make it a point to touch your spouse during the meal. You can either do this secretly, under the table, or publicly for all to see. You can stroke his arm, hold her hand, touch his foot, stroke her cheek … whatever takes your fancy at that moment.
PURPOSE: Just as there are habits for a healthy marriage, some habits are unhealthy. Eating in front of the television regularly is bad for you. You interact less as a couple (and as a family), the TV creates a tone of distraction and intrusion, and you tend to overeat while enjoying your food less. Conversely, the habit of eating without watching a screen creates a climate of focused, undivided attention.
Touch is a vital part of feeling and staying connected. By its nature, touch is an intimate, relationship-building activity. In the early stages of their relationship, couples typically touch more frequently. But as time goes by, they touch each other less and less. Rebuilding this touching habit by having a regular time to touch helps create intimacy and highlights the “us” space.
If you live with children, the dual habits of no TV and intentional touching model for them a sense of tender, focused affection that they will carry into their adult relationships. Dinner time should be a brief respite from the world at large, an opportunity for safe harbor, for refueling after a busy day.
I recently worked with a middle-aged couple with no children whose wife complained that they don’t connect at the end of the day. I asked her to describe a typical evening at home.
“We watch the news during dinner,” Laura said, “and then Ralph goes to the basement to work on his stuff. I just end up reading in the bedroom. We hardly say a word to each other.”
Television during dinner—the kiss of death, I thought. While I’m not generally opposed to news or entertainment programs, I know it’s healthier for a couple or family to spend fifteen to thirty minutes screen free while they reconnect over the dinner table.
I gave Laura and Ralph a homework assignment: During the next week, spend each dinner without television and see what happened.
The next week when they came to their session, Laura was delighted to tell me of their progress. It turned out that they actually enjoyed talking to each other without the distraction of the television. For them, mealtime television had simply become a sloppy habit that needed to change.
For homework over the next weekend, I asked them to touch each other several times during dinner. During the next session, Laura and Ralph were both smiling. “Ralph doesn’t always go to the basement anymore,” she said, grinning. “I guess he discovered that reading in bed with me isn’t so bad after all.”
She blushed. “Of course, we don’t just read.”
REFLECTION: What do you stand to gain by letting go of television at dinner? What might you gain by being the first to reach out?
PROMPT: When you’re getting ready for bed
HABIT: Mentally review your day and then thank your beloved for some action, word, or experience. If you’re getting ready together, tell her or him in that moment. If you’re the first to bed, tell your partner before you retire, along with a goodnight kiss. If you’re the last to bed, write it down for your spouse to find in the morning.
PURPOSE: We all have a negativity bias. This means that we naturally tend to notice what’s going wrong in our world. This was selectively advantageous for much of human history. Our ability to scan for problems allowed us to avoid mortal danger—say, saber-toothed tigers lurking outside our cave—and thus pass on our genes. Our anxious ancestors avoided the tigers, whereas the blissed-out navel-gazers became lunch, thus leaving no descendants!
We may be wired to survive but that doesn’t mean we’re wired to be happy. While developing a habit of appreciation might not have kept you alive on the plains of prehistoric Africa, today it will make you more happily coupled.
Habitually demonstrating gratitude for your mate’s recent behavior does several things. First, your partner feels appreciated. And when your partner feels appreciated, he or she opens up to love and warmth. Second, as you focus on what in your world is going well, you begin to see more and more circumstances, actions, and sweet moments for which to be grateful.
Dealing with life’s challenges is largely a matter of where you direct your attention. When you shine a flashlight on problems, often you will see more problems. But when you shine the flashlight on all the things you appreciate about your partner, you increase your own satisfaction with the relationship. Gratitude is habit forming.
NOTE: It is not necessary for this to be a tit-for-tat habit. Be willing to offer an appreciation with no expectations for reciprocation. View it as a gift given freely, regardless of the response.
Although working with Daniel has many benefits, it’s very easy for our work life to spill into our home life. One night as we were getting ready for bed, we began to discuss work. As I was putting on my nightgown, we created a to-do list that involved client billing, social media posting, and article writing.
While brushing my teeth, my mind was like a runaway train. I knew from experience that with my mind chugging along at full steam, I would have trouble falling asleep. As I worried about insomnia, my brain got even more addled; I imagined being too tired the next day to complete the to-do list we’d just constructed.
Dan watched me taking off my makeup, noting that I was sighing in that way that indicated I was superstressed. He came over, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Did I tell you today how fabulous your article was? I know it will help a lot of people.”
“Oh, really?” I began to breathe a little deeper.
“And,” he continued, “did I mention how much I appreciate that you took care of the laundry today?”
“Ahhh,” I exhaled, and felt my shoulders relax. My breathing got slower and smoother. His simple exclamations of gratitude made me feel more relaxed … more appreciated. That night, I slept like a baby.
Now, when Dan is pulling out the dental floss, I offer a daily memory with a word of thanks for him. He usually follows suit, and we engage in a Ping-Pong game of gratitude.
I can attest that when you develop this habit, the energy of going to bed together will be charged with a cascade of appreciation.
Warning: Doing this exercise may not lead to immediate slumber (wink).
REFLECTION: How does a daily gratitude practice improve your own overall satisfaction in the relationship?
PROMPT: Before you go into your bedroom at night
HABIT: Stand outside the bedroom door and shake off the stresses of the day. Relax your shoulders, and then shake your right leg, your left leg, your right arm, and your left arm. Use your right hand to “sweep” energy off the front of your body (from head to toe). Then use your left hand to “sweep” energy off the back of your body. Spend a moment bouncing on the balls of your feet as you continue to shake your body and exhale deeply. Let the day’s mind-clutter shake off.
PURPOSE: Shaking is a simple and effective stress management tool. Shaking your body relaxes your muscles, lubricates joints, increases circulation, gives your mind a break, releases energy blocks, and discharges excess energy. In Qi Gong, a form of Chinese energy medicine, “shaking the tree” (i.e., body) is considered an important exercise to relieve stress and prepare the body for relaxation.
When you consciously release stress before you enter the sanctuary of the bedroom, you clear out mental and physical clutter so you can transition peacefully to your resting spot. There, you will be free and clear, either to be with your mate, read together, chat, have sex, cuddle, or simply fall asleep without the usual racing mind.
I often talk with couples about good sleep hygiene. I typically recommend that couples do not discuss loaded topics late at night. I ask them to refrain from watching the news after 9 P.M. or bringing work to bed. I also recommend the ultimate happiness habit: going to bed at the same time.
Although this seems a simple activity that many couples take for granted, for other couples, it feels like a Herculean task. Barbara and Bill were reluctant, at first, to try to change their bedtime pattern. Barbara was a night owl and enjoyed her quiet time after Bill went to bed. Bill was sad that he always fell asleep alone, but he understood that they had different internal clocks and work schedules.
In the end, they agreed to go to bed together at least two nights per week. If necessary, Barbara would go to bed with Bill and then sneak out again after he fell asleep so she could stay up with her favorite magazines.
After a few weeks of this, Barbara reported that even though it was nice to cuddle with Bob and have that connection, she felt agitated as she waited for him to sleep so she could get up. In fact, she went into the bedroom feeling anxious and stressed.
However, after engaging in the “Shake It Up, Baby” habit each night before she entered the sanctuary of the bedroom, she experienced an unexpected shift. Barbara told me, “I felt so relaxed after shaking for three or four minutes that I actually fell asleep before Bob! I guess I’ll have to find another time to read my magazines!”
REFLECTION: Are you vigilant about protecting the sacred space of the bedroom, or do you let other things take priority?
PROMPT: Before you fall asleep
HABIT: Lay your finger across your partner’s upper lip, like a finger mustache. Feel his/her breath gently on your finger. Silently (or aloud) give thanks that your beloved is alive and beside you.
PURPOSE: Being aware of your mortality (and that of your spouse) is useful because it means that we stop taking our time for granted. Against the backdrop of death, every moment matters. After all, one of you will outlive the other. Rather than hide from this reality, use it to heighten your awareness and appreciation.
Mystics and spiritual practitioners worldwide make a habit of looking at death head on. They might meditate with mala beads made of camel or yak bone in order to heighten reflection on impermanence. Some of the mala beads are even carved into the shape of skulls. We’re not suggesting you go that far, but a habit that will be a mindful reflection on your time together will strengthen the love you feel for one another.
She sat across from me in my office with her body slumped in the chair. She seemed unable to even hold up her head. This was our first session, and her husband had died three weeks previously. Her breath was ragged as she choked back sobs and told me of the night that she found him. She had woken up in the middle of the night and found that he wasn’t in bed. Wondering where he could be, she went downstairs and found him on the kitchen floor. He had recently turned forty-four years old.
Normally I can listen with compassion and not get dragged down the rabbit hole of grief. It’s the only way I can do my work effectively. But in this instance, I felt almost as if a dentist had covered me in a leaden blanket. I felt weighted down … heavy. My head also slumped back in my chair. I felt paralyzed with her grief.
Perhaps it was because she was exactly my age, with children exactly the same age as mine. Perhaps it was because her relationship with her husband sounded very much like my relationship with Daniel, close and intimate. Whatever the reason, I felt her pain with an unusual intensity.
I listened as she implored to the heavens how she would give anything to have one more night, one more day beside her beloved. That night as I slipped into bed beside Daniel, I was keenly aware of the precious gift of life. The normal complacency that I might usually feel melted at the realization that our tomorrow together was not guaranteed. As I felt his breath on my hand, I knew that I was fully in the moment, aware of and grateful for his presence.
REFLECTION: If you were aware of death every night, how would it change the way you lived during your days?