In the 1960s, scientist Harry Harlow conducted a series of controversial experiments with baby rhesus monkeys to determine the effect of affection and love on infants. The baby monkeys were separated from their biological mothers and were nourished by a “surrogate” mother: a metal dispenser that offered food and water. Not surprisingly, these poor monkeys, deprived of maternal warmth and touch, failed to thrive and, in fact, suffered severe psychological and emotional distress.
We are, quite simply, wired to be physically connected to others. Even the stereotypical gender difference in the bedroom (men want sex and women want to cuddle) indicates that both genders essentially desire physical interaction.
While we may receive touch from our friends, our parents, our children, and even from our pets, the most intimate touch of all comes through the romantic couple relationship. Within the confines of this sacred relationship, touch is intimate, arousing, playful, sexual—and essential.
Most couples find that they touch frequently when they are courting. But as time goes by, their rate of touching drops drastically. Physical affection creates a bond—everything from a stroke on the head, the holding of hands, passionate kisses, and long leisurely mornings in bed. All these and more are vital for extraordinary love.
The following habits will make it easy to sprinkle your days with touch. Do so and watch your love bloom.
PROMPT: When you are in a car together at a red light
HABIT: Gently touch the back of the neck of your beloved.
PURPOSE: From the moment we’re born, we crave human touch. It’s as vital as the air we breathe. The health benefits of regular touch include lower stress levels, less anxiety and depression, an enhanced immune system, and even increased pain tolerance.
As a form of communication between lovers, it’s a tangible expression of care, involvement, and support. The back of the neck, in particular, is a powerhouse of nerve endings. Touch in this way creates a powerful energetic bond. To do it regularly, as part of your daily routine, keeps that connection alive and well.
Forty people, participating in a group meditation, sat with their eyes closed in complete and total silence. Most were cross-legged, sitting on the floor in the lotus position. Several, including myself, were sitting upright in a chair. I felt wrapped in the comforting and densely calm energy that emerges when several dozen people join their minds in a common goal.
And then, spontaneously, I reached out to touch Daniel who was sitting on the floor directly in front of me. As I wrapped my palm around the back of his neck, he breathed in slowly and deeply. At that moment, I felt a tangible, palpable connection … almost as if an electric current had been generated between us. In the midst of this room of focused concentration, our sense of oneness was heightened by a simple touch.
Fast forward several years later … Daniel and I decided to take our five children on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe. Part of the celebration was to honor our oldest daughter’s recent graduation from high school with the recognition that we were moving into a new chapter of our life as a family.
We rented a large van and headed off on our tour. Although any group of seven people may experience stressful moments in a car together, the dynamics of a blended family can be especially challenging. I was concerned that Dan and I would lose our connection to each other. In fact, I was quite anxious that the car rides, in particular, would be nothing short of chaos.
During a daylong outing, early on in the trip, I remembered that magical connection we experienced during the meditation. And so, in a giant minivan on a highway, I reached over and gently touched his neck. Ahhh, yes!
For the rest of the three-week trip, whether kids were sleeping in the back, chattering about our itinerary, playing car games, arguing, or singing, every now and then I would reach over and wrap my hand on the back of my beloved’s neck. Sigh. Relief. Connection. You could say that we were “necking” our way through the entire vacation.
REFLECTION: Is sharing affection through touch easy for you or difficult? How did you experience touch when you were a child?
PROMPT: During dinner preparations—or right before you sit down to dinner
HABIT: Stop whatever it is you are doing, go up to your beloved, and then give him or her a big, show-stopping, romantic Hollywood-style kiss.
PURPOSE: Kissing on the lips is a shockingly intimate act. You might kiss other people on the cheek or forehead, but kissing deeply on the lips is reserved for your partner. Giving him a romantic, intentional kiss—not a rote peck on the lips—confirms to your companion that he is “the one.”
New couples usually kiss frequently whereas longer-term couples tend to drop this gesture. In many cases kissing becomes only a prelude for sex. In fact, some people avoid intimate kissing for fear that it will lead to sex.
What you need to do is get into the habit of kissing for its own sake. Stop what you’re doing and, even in the midst of chaos, make this loving connection.
In a classic Buddhist story a woman is chased by tigers. She eventually comes to the edge of a cliff, notices a vine growing over the cliff, and climbs down it in hopes of escape. But as she looks below, she sees that there are tigers on the ground as well.
In the midst of this dilemma, she notices a small mouse nibbling on the vine above her. Tigers above, tigers below, and a failing rope. At first she panics. But then she notices, clinging to the cliff, a single ripe strawberry. She plucks the fruit, pops it in her mouth, and savors it thoroughly.
What could this all mean? Her life is about to end and she’s savoring a strawberry? Well, yes, that’s exactly the point. The tigers are meant to represent birth and death. By living, each of us is caught between these two realities. The mouse represents life as inconvenient, difficult, and dangerous. But the choice to savor and enjoy our blessings while we can—even in the midst of mortality and challenges—is to really live.
One night, while dinner was waiting to be assembled, while cats were circling for their food, while children were asking for help with homework, while the dishwasher needed to be emptied, while the table needed to be set, while the mail was stacked on the counter—in the middle of the mayhem, I saw my strawberry. I walked up to Dan and gave him a big, slow smooch.
A collective, “Ewwwww! Gross!” arose from the children. But I’m happy for them to see intimacy being modeled. Maybe one day, many years from now, they’ll offer their beloved a beautiful kiss, right in the midst of their own dinner preparations.
REFLECTION: What gets in your way of offering your mate the gift of a kiss?
PROMPT: When you get out of the shower or bath and are drying off with a towel
HABIT: With the reverence that you would use toward a newborn baby, dry off your body parts with tenderness and thank them for their amazing functionality. Thank each specific body part for allowing you to move through your life.
PURPOSE: When you build the habit of recognizing your body for the miraculous creation that it is, you cultivate a loving tenderness toward it. And, as you do that, you offer your partner a chance to participate in this tenderness and extend the same feelings toward his body.
When you become more comfortable with your body, you become more confident. There is nothing sexier than a person who is totally at home in her or his own skin. You’ll be able to get naked more easily and will have more enthusiasm for sharing your body with your beloved with an unreserved passion.
For more than two decades in my office, I have heard women and men of all ages, all shapes, and all sizes tell me they are not comfortable in their own bodies. Unfortunately, this insecurity often affects their marriages.
Thirty-year-old Margaret came from a long line of overweight individuals and had always been self-conscious about her body. She told me that she had never actually been naked with her husband of five years. Instead she always wore a nightgown when they made love. She was filled with shame.
Margaret confessed, “Harry is always telling me that I’m beautiful and it really hurts him that I won’t get naked in front of him. But if he sees this roll of flab, he’s going to be disgusted by me.”
Although Margaret had joined weight-loss programs in the past, she had never made much progress. I suggested to her that that she needed to love her body now, exactly as it was. Then, she would be in a better position to continue loving her body as she lost weight. If she didn’t lose weight, she would still love her body.
“How is that possible,” she sighed. “How could I love a leg like this?”
“Are you glad that you can walk with that leg?” I asked. “Do you know what someone in a wheelchair might give for a leg like that? Doesn’t Harry love that leg?”
As I worked with Margaret over the next six months, she used this habit every day to develop a more loving relationship with her body. One day, she came out of the shower and was telling her foot that she loved it when Harry walked in. She grabbed a robe to cover herself.
“What in the world are you doing?” he asked.
She told him that she was learning to love her body so she could be naked in front of him.
When he heard this, he was so moved that he embraced her and told her that he loved every part of her body just as it was.
It wasn’t long before Margaret moved from a nightgown to a T-shirt to naked with the lights off and, finally, even naked during the day.
She now had a more appreciative relationship with her body, and the end result was that her marriage was happier. Harry was delighted with the change in her behavior. “He really does love me,” she said. “All of me, no matter what I look like, no matter what I weigh.”
REFLECTION: How would you make love differently if you completely accepted and loved your body?
PROMPT: During foreplay
HABIT: As you see and touch your partner, say, “I love your body today, tomorrow, and throughout time” or other sweet, loving words that demonstrate your eternal connectedness.
PURPOSE: Developing the habit of letting your spouse know that you accept and love his or her body in spite of its changes helps your mate feel continually cherished. It’s perfectly natural to want to feel attracted and attractive to your spouse. But your bodies are always changing, and you need to constantly introduce yourself to your spouse’s body.
Since it might be natural for your mate to feel self-conscious about physical changes, or even embarrassed, through this habit you consistently convey the message that you love her or him unconditionally.
As you encourage your mate to feel comfortable in his or her own changing skin, your sex life will improve and your level of intimacy and connectedness will grow.
She was in her mid-thirties, a stunningly beautiful woman. She sat across from me with perfect hair, perfect nails, and a perfectly accessorized outfit. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she hated her body because she couldn’t get into her size 2 jeans anymore.
Lovely Laura had spent thirteen years of her life as a professional model, steeped in an industry that prizes youth and beauty. For more than a decade, her self-worth had been measured by her ability to look slender and stunning. For the past five years, however, she had turned her attention to getting married and having a beautiful baby girl. Her size 2 jeans were a thing of the past.
“I have to find a way to lose weight,” she stuttered tearfully. “I can’t even get naked in front of my husband anymore. I’m sure he finds me disgusting. He married a size 2.”
“And he married a woman in her twenties, but now you’re in your thirties,” I replied. “Your body has changed and will keep changing. Forty will look different than today, and fifty will look even more different. His body is changing too, you know.”
She didn’t look soothed. I changed tactics and asked, “Did you ever have a teddy bear or stuffed animal that you really loved when you were growing up?” Surprised, she thought about that and answered, “Of course—I had Mr. Tippy.” Upon examination, I learned that she still had Mr. Tippy at the top of her closet, though now he was worn down and missing an eye.
“And do you still love him? Is he beautiful to you?” I asked.
She grinned, “It’s the story of the Velveteen Rabbit, right?”
“Exactly,” I confirmed. The Velveteen Rabbit, written by Margery Williams in 1922, was the story of a worn stuffed rabbit who is so beloved and worn out over time that in the end he becomes “real.”
Even with good habits for healthy aging, your body will still change over time. Wishing it would stay the same is a fantasy. Get into this habit and become “real” with your spouse. It is much more deeply satisfying than falseness, embarrassment, or fear.
REFLECTION: Is it as easy to accept the changes in your own body as it is to accept your spouse’s?
PROMPT: If you find yourself in a heated discussion (a.k.a., conflict) and you’re getting triggered, activated, and/or acting in a bad way (such as cursing, name calling, blaming, criticizing, or acting irrationally)
HABIT: Turn your attention to your body and report on what you’re experiencing. Say out loud, “I notice in my body that … my heart is racing (or my throat is tight, or my voice is getting shrill).” Be a witness to your bodily sensations and share them with your partner. Then start to lengthen and deepen your breath. Watch your body changing. Say the words, “Breathing in, I am calm. Breathing out, I relax.”
PURPOSE: Interrupting an argument to focus on your inner body’s response is a powerful technique for self-regulation. During a heated discussion your amygdala (the alarm bell of your nervous system) is activated. By focusing on breathing deeply, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the alarm response.
By labeling your body responses, you shift your attention from the emotional to the physical. As your partner witnesses you doing this, the steps of your usual dance are redirected. When you consistently use this response to an argument, you will gradually rewire your brain to be less reactive, less angry, and more peaceful.
George and Sally were discussing a point of contention in my office. They were planning to visit Sally’s relatives in upstate New York. Even though George had agreed to go, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the trip—Sally was taking this personally.
“I don’t understand why you don’t want to go. I always happily go to visit your folks, which is a lot more out of the way,” Sally pressed.
George rolled his eyes. “I’ve already told you … I don’t like the drive, and I don’t like how your dad always drinks too much and then corners me to discuss politics. I said I would go, though, so why do you have to make a federal case about this? You can’t make me enjoy it.”
Sally got tearful and said in a loud voice, “I just want a little support—is that too much to ask?” She stood up hastily. “You know what? I’m outta here. I can’t discuss this with you. You’re never on my side.” She took a step toward the door.
“Wait,” I said. “Sally, I know you’re feeling frustrated but I’d like you to wait a minute. This is important. Can you just say out loud what’s happening in your body?”
“Huh?” she responded.
“Start by noticing your heart rate … and where the tension is in your body … just say out loud what you notice in your body.”
Sally slowly told us that her heart was racing a million miles an hour. She felt as if she had been kicked in the gut. Her throat was on fire, and she knew she was talking loudly.
“Excellent,” I encouraged her. “Now, if you’ll just sit down, let’s try some deep breathing to get your heart rate down.” Sally, George, and I all inhaled to the words, “Breathing in, I am calm” and exhaled to the words, “Breathing out, I relax.”
After Sally cooled down, she was able to talk from the heart, without defensiveness. She explained to George that she felt hurt and wanted to feel his support. George too was able to hear her vulnerability. He told her that his showing up was his way of loving and supporting her.
A session that could have ended in disaster instead culminated with a hug, thanks to a little body-based awareness.
REFLECTION: What might you discover if you remained calm during one of your same old arguments?
PROMPT: When one of you is exhausted at the end of a long day—or feels ill—and simply doesn’t have the energy to talk
HABIT: The more energetic of you puts his or her hands on the head of the exhausted one. Put one hand behind your partner’s skull and one hand on the forehead, essentially cradling his or her head between your hands. Breathe deeply as you hold the head for up to several minutes. Let an energy current flow from your hands to your partner. You can do this while she or he is lying down or sitting. (If you want your partner to do this to you, you could ask for a “tune up.”)
PURPOSE: Attunement is a form of relaxation, similar to reiki, in which the body’s electrical energy is shared through the giver’s hands. With attunement, you achieve a feeling of balance through moving this energy in the body’s endocrine system. Your body is an integrated electrical system. When you are touched by another, you can literally feel the connection.
The head is also the home of three primary glands (pineal, hypothalamus, and pituitary) and thus is an ideal area for receiving electrical energy. The relaxing, soothing, nonverbal comfort of this position is perfect for the partner who is simply too tired, or ill, to speak.
Marley loved her job as a high school English teacher. In fact, it was a coveted job in a good school district. However, Marley’s personality was naturally introverted. She was socially adept, but she needed quiet time to replenish herself.
Marley’s husband, Brian, was an extrovert, refueled by social interaction. Although Marley and Brian professed to be happily married, they did have an ongoing conflict about how to spend their evenings together.
When Brian came home, he wanted to chat about his day. Marley was worn out from interacting with the twenty-five students in her classroom and the dozens of colleagues at her school. She wanted to connect with Brian, but she didn’t want to talk.
I worked to instill the “Tune Up” habit in Brian as a way of helping Marley feel replenished and to shift her depleted energy. Doing this exercise once would feel nice, I explained, but doing this together daily would create a shift in their interactional pattern.
Marley was touched that Brian spent up to five minutes at night holding her head between his palms and allowing her the silence that she craved. It allowed the evening to progress between them with more understanding and compassion.
REFLECTION: How might the energy shift between you if you were willing to offer this gift of nonverbal attunement?
PROMPT: When you’re not feeling the old passion but wish you were
HABIT: Imagine your spouse … naked. Let yourself take in the visual, tactile, and aromatic details. Don’t focus on only the sexual details, but also appreciate the unique and attractive characteristics of your spouse’s body. Imagine the special details that only you could know.
PURPOSE: This visualization habit will stimulate both your emotional and physical attraction to your spouse. How often do you intentionally imagine your spouse naked?
Visualization techniques involve focusing your mind on images and allowing yourself to believe that they are real. Since your body cannot tell the difference between an image in your head and the real thing, visualization can change your emotional and physical reactions to external stimuli.
When you visualize the attractive aspects of your spouse’s naked body, you can shift out of negative or resistant feelings that might have developed.
Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Daniel and I went to a nude beach in southern Spain, and I have to say that the experience was extremely eye-opening. Naked bodies were here, there, and everywhere: young and old, thin and fat, sitting and standing—naked bodies moving in all directions enjoying the sun and the sand.
My first response to all this nudity was to avert my eyes in embarrassment. My second response was to stare. But after a while I began to develop a simple appreciation for the beauty of the human body. Especially sweet was noting Dan’s body amid other naked people, knowing that usually I am the only one to see him in his birthday suit.
The most striking result of this experience is that I can now easily summon an image of Dan’s body with all its details against turquoise waters and white sand. Visualization of your spouse’s body can reinvigorate feelings of connection, playfulness, youth, intimacy, and sensual desire. Bring to mind both the sexy and ordinary details of your dear one’s physical form.
REFLECTION: What might happen if you awaken your sexuality?
PROMPT: When you’re walking with your spouse in public
HABIT: Hold hands!
PURPOSE: This habit may seem like Relationship 101 advice because of its simplicity. However, most couples stop holding hands after their courtship phase. Holding hands is an easy habit to get into and a good way to keep touch in your marriage.
Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, coauthors of Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage, have been conducting research on successful couples for almost three decades. They have interviewed thousands of happy couples on six continents, and their findings are remarkably consistent. One of their findings is that happy couples touch each other frequently. In fact, they touch each other whenever they can. The message is, “I love you so much that I simply can’t help but touch you.”
While it’s healthy to hold hands in private, when you hold hands in public you communicate a message of mutual commitment. You share a sign to yourselves and to the world that you are spoken for and that you protect this relationship.
Some people protest that it doesn’t feel natural to hold hands or that they didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family or culture. Although this feeling is understandable, it’s important to let go of your reservations. Your brain is wired to touch in ways that relieve stress and communicate safety and attachment. Even if it feels awkward at first, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.
Julianne had tears in her eyes. “Last weekend we went out Christmas shopping and my husband never once walked beside me,” she said.
“Was it too crowded on the streets?” I asked.
“No, he says that it’s because he has long legs and I have short legs and so I can’t keep up with him. He’s always about four steps ahead of me, and I hate it.” She reached for my tissue box beside the couch.
Julianne came alone to sessions but frequently lamented her husband’s behavior. She was hopeful that even if he didn’t come to counseling with her, she could learn some ideas that she could bring to Eric and improve their relationship.
I suggested that the next time they went out together, she reach for his hand and explain that she really wants to hold his hand. “Let him know how important it is to you—and to the relationship,” I said.
The next month Julianne reported that things were going well with the handholding “project.” She confided, “At first I had to practically jog to keep up with him, but now he has slowed his pace. Last weekend, he actually reached for my hand.” Success.
REFLECTION: Do you want the world to know that you are attached to your mate?
PROMPT: During a commercial when you’re watching television
HABIT: Put your foot playfully on that of your partner. Stroke her foot with yours. Make eye contact for a moment to confirm the connection and add a wink or grin. If you’re close enough, you may also want to rub her foot with your fingers and/or gently massage her feet.
PURPOSE: When you’re watching television together at the end of a day, usually you are tired and need to relax. It is not a time to bring up intense conversations or scheduling details. But just as you can use the entertainment as a means to unwind, you can use the commercials as a time for nonverbal connection.
Footsie is a playful, flirtatious behavior that engenders a sense of secretive intimacy. Use this habit to spark a loving connection while you’re zoning out.
Jasmine was complaining to me about her husband, Spencer. “He either ignores me completely or falls asleep when I try to talk to him at night.”
“He falls asleep in the middle of your conversation?” I asked, confused.
“Well, you know,” she replied, “He usually is lying down on the couch next to me at night and I’m talking to him, and the next thing you know, I hear him snoring.”
I asked, “What time of night are you talking about?”
She sniffed, “Usually nine at night, maybe ten.”
“Well no wonder,” I told her. “You should never try to have conversations that late at night if your husband is tired. In fact, once he hits the couch, you need to know that his brain is offline.”
“But I feel so lonely when we’re both in our separate worlds,” she complained. “What can we do to feel close then if he won’t even talk to me?”
“Is there anything you used to do when you were dating that you enjoyed? Something that made you feel close, something simple and nonsexual, but without words?” I coaxed.
She thought about that for a minute—and then popped out a solution, “We used to play footsie. Mostly in restaurants. I would slip my foot up his leg and no one knew. We used to get such a kick out of that.”
“Perfect,” I said. “Try it during the commercials.”
The next week Jasmine reported that the simple, playful touch helped her feel better as they watched television together. “And some nights, he didn’t even fall asleep on the couch,” she said, grinning.
REFLECTION: If television were a time of connection rather than isolation, would you feel differently about it as a nighttime activity?
PROMPT: When you see your lover sitting in front of a computer (regardless of whether she or he is involved in business or leisure pursuits)
HABIT: Walk past your spouse from behind and gently sweep your hand from one shoulder, across her back, to the other shoulder.
PURPOSE: Touch is a powerful way to communicate to your husband or wife that you cherish him or her. When you use this habit mindfully, you intentionally connect with your dear one.
Sitting by yourself at a computer is an isolating activity that has the potential to drive the two of you apart and make you feel disconnected. However, when you develop the habit of touching your mate when she’s at the computer, you reassure her of your presence and your connection.
Veronica and Bradley had an intimate marriage. When they first came to see me, I was impressed with how close they sat to each other on the couch, how they held hands, and how they spoke positively about each other.
So why had they come for counseling? Because Bradley’s adult daughter, Cindy, had died of cancer. Bradley was completely devastated by the loss and found himself withdrawing behind a wall of silence. Veronica and Bradley had only been married for five years, a second marriage for both of them.
Veronica hadn’t known Cindy very well, though she, of course, was saddened by the tragic death.
“I don’t know how to help Bradley,” Veronica lamented. “If I bring it up, he changes the topic. He knows I will support his sadness, but he won’t share it with me.”
“People grieve in different ways,” I responded. I looked at Bradley and asked, “What would you like from Veronica?”
He answered slowly, “I just want to know she’s there … that’s all … I really don’t want to talk about my grief. I’m not a verbal person and she knows that.”
They worked together from home, spending hours each day in front of their computers. I suggested that Veronica try this shoulder sweep habit whenever she walked behind Bradley, just to let him know that she was there.
Months later I got an e-mail from Veronica. She told me how helpful it was for her to learn that her physical presence was comforting to Bradley. She’d gotten into the “Coast to Coast” habit, used it freely, and both of them loved it.
REFLECTION: How many times do you pass your spouse in your house without connecting?