I sat on the floor in a room with approximately nine other women. Each of us had a small blanket in front of us on which was positioned a beautiful, healthy infant. This was my first of many “Mommy and Me” classes.
The discussion leader opened by saying, “I want to talk about your marriages.” The women in the circle made a collective groan.
She continued, “I know you may not be thinking about this but that little bundle of joy in front of you has one job only: to grow up and leave you in the dust. So keep your relationship with your husband vibrant. He’s the one who will still be around in eighteen years. Go out on dates!”
What she might have specified was, “Go out on good dates.” Time alone together doesn’t automatically result in reconnection and romance. In fact, a bad date (like bad sex) can leave you feeling lonelier than ever. You don’t want to be the couple fighting over loaded topics, interacting as if you’re at a business meeting, or sitting over dinner in awkward silence.
The following date habits will help you reach the goal of special, undivided time together … time that will enhance the “us” space and recharge your relationship.
PROMPT: Just before you go on a date’either a date in your own living room or a date out on the town
HABIT: Find a quiet place, maybe sitting on your bed. Close your eyes and spend a few moments bringing back the feelings of your courtship. Try to imagine a specific place and time of day when you were together. What did your body feel like at that moment? Do you remember your thoughts? Summon the sense of excitement, confusion, and anticipation of those early days. Each time you use this habit, either revisit the same memory or think of different occasions.
PURPOSE: Falling in love is likely one of life’s greatest joys. The pleasure centers of the brain are constantly awash with feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine.
Reminding yourself of that exciting time, using a detailed visualization to summon the feeling in your body, helps engage you in your relationship and promote anticipation before your date.
When you spend time reviving heady feelings from the past, you infuse the present with old-fashioned romance. When you siphon a bit of that falling-in-love energy and inject it into your consciousness before a date, you fan the flames of desire.
Samantha told me that she and Roger never had a chance to go out on dates. They had two young children and a big problem with babysitters. Either no one was available or Samantha and Roger didn’t feel that they could spare the money for a sitter on top of the expense of dinner.
I suggested that they put the kids down by 8 P.M. and then have a private dinner by the fireplace in their home … just the two of them. I instructed Samantha to treat it like a “real date.” For her, this meant changing out of her sweatpants and putting on jewelry.
“As you’re getting ready,” I told her, “I want you to spend a few minutes with your eyes closed imagining a time when you and Roger were first dating and falling in love.” She agreed.
At our next session, Samantha was eager to report back on the big date. She said that it had been a huge success. “It really helped to start the date with that visualization,” she said. “I pictured our first kiss, which happened to be on the Fourth of July.” She continued with a gentle laugh, “There really were fireworks! I haven’t thought of that kiss in years’maybe a decade!”
I smiled, “That’s wonderful! How did the memory impact the date?”
“I was more relaxed when we started and absolutely determined that we needed our time together. I was clear with the girls that they had to stay in bed and read until they fell asleep.”
Samantha added, “I guess reminiscing also put me in the mood because I found that I just wanted to kiss Roger for most of the date!” She blushed as she continued, “He said we should have a date every week.”
REFLECTION: How would a date with your mate be different if you started it with the eyes of someone falling in love?
PROMPT: As you officially “begin” your date
HABIT: Give your beloved a compliment. You could compliment his appearance or tell him something you appreciate or admire about him. Try saying, “One thing I deeply love about you is …” or “You look terrific in that shirt,” or “I’m so lucky to be going out with you.” If you happen to be on the receiving end of a compliment (which is sometimes harder than giving the compliment), rather than negate it or deflect it, give the gift of gracious acceptance (smile and say, “Thank you”).
PURPOSE: Generating positive energy with a compliment is a sound investment in your relationship. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher about relationship stability and author of many books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, studied the ratio of positive to negative comments in couples. Happy and stable couples have a 20:1 ratio (20 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction). These same couples, even when having a disagreement, still maintained a 5:1 ratio. Those who sustained a less positive ratio were more likely to divorce.
The bottom line is that couples who are saturated with positive energy are happier. Compliments are a form of appreciation. They let your partner know that you care, that you notice him, that you pay attention to him, and that you cherish him. You can’t have too much positive energy in a happy marriage, so give it freely and the investment will come back to you tenfold.
Daniel and I once took an online relationship course designed to enhance connection and passion. Part of the program was a monthly calendar with daily directives. Each day you were supposed to “give” something to your partner: the gift of listening, the gift of a compliment, a wrapped gift hidden for them to find, the gift of a poem, the gift of a household chore done without being asked, etc.
Unfortunately, I found myself more preoccupied with what Daniel was supposed to be giving me than with what I was supposed to be giving him. In the evening, I would check in with Daniel, inquiring whether he had done his exercise. After several days of this, he gently chastised me. “I think you’re missing the point,” he said. “You’re supposed to focus on your ownexercises, on giving to me … not worrying about whether you’ve gotten anything yet.”
H’m. Oh, yeah. Ouch. He was right, of course. I had been so preoccupied with what I was going to get that I was only cursorily paying attention to what I was supposed to give.
After that, I shifted my attention to wholehearted giving. I wanted to make sure that Daniel felt valued and appreciated. I let go of my own perspective and focused on him. As it turns out, I found that I felt happier and more at peace this way. Perhaps it really is better to give than to receive.
REFLECTION: If you stop thinking about what you can “get” and start focusing on what you can “give,” how might the dynamic between you and your partner shift?
PROMPT: When you’ve embarked on your date
HABIT: Listen to music together. Bring along a favorite CD or playlist and sing or whistle along.
PURPOSE: Music has an amazing ability to lift your mood, stimulate nostalgia, and heighten emotion. Let music set the tone for your date. Perhaps you want to listen to tunes from when you first dated … or songs you heard together from a particular decade. Possibly you both favor a singer/composer.
Music has the power to bond you together and mingle your energies. Use it to consciously lift your spirits as you begin your celebration of spending time alone together.
Dan and I walked along the wide Hilton Head beach on a December morning, searching for shells and watching sandpipers skitter in the surf.
“I really can’t stay,” I crooned.
“But baby, it’s cold outside,” he countered.
“I’ve got to go away,”
“But baby, it’s cold outside …”
Passersby looked our way as we continued our musical call and response. We were trying to memorize the lyrics to the 1944 pop standard by Frank Loesser, a tune originally intended to be a cold weather classic but that has more recently become part of the Christmas repertoire.
We had volunteered to sing in the Friday night talent show, a playful feature of the behavioral health conference where I had been presenting a workshop. Dan and I had performed in musical theater together, but we’d never sung a duet.
Suddenly we found ourselves singing on the beach, in the elevator, in the bathroom, and of course, in the shower. We had a blast with this particular song.
On the night of the big event, we were both nervous. The show was hosted by the popular self-help author, Joan Borysenko (Minding the Body, Mending the Mind). As each performer got up to share their act, Joan asked them, “What’s your favorite color?” However, when Dan and I took the stage, Joan simply commented on how tall Dan was (he is 6' 5" and generally gets that response from people).
Then, to my surprise, Dan said to Joan, “Aren’t you going to ask me what my favorite color is?” Somewhat flustered, Joan did so.
“The color of Ashley’s skin,” Dan replied.
“Awwwwwwww!” It was as if we’d carried a puppy on stage. I blushed noticeably and was so surprised by this intimate comment that I could barely remember the words to our song.
Now just the first line of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” brings a smile to our lips. We picture Hilton Head, the beach, the stage, the shower (smile). Singing that song again together, we know we’re in for a fun night.
REFLECTION: What song immediately brings your lover to mind? How do you feel when you sing or hum it?
PROMPT: When you’re waiting for your food to arrive
HABIT: Say, “I have a memory to share.” Take turns sharing some happy memories from the past. Go back in time, year by year, and recall a pleasant memory in as much detail as you can. If you have trouble remembering specific years, use places you lived, places you’ve traveled, holidays, or kids’ school years as memory touchstones. If you’ve been together for many years, share memories by the decade.
PURPOSE: When you systematically share happy memories with each other, you dance to the pleasant music of nostalgia. You not only fill yourselves with the spirit and emotion of wonderful times, but you may also be reminded of forgotten times or see them anew through your spouse’s eyes.
Couples therapists often suggest their clients go out on a date. Of course this can mean different things for different couples’dinner out, a hike, a picnic, a coffee, a concert, a movie, a comedy club, a walk in the woods. Going out with another couple doesn’t count. The purpose is to be alone together.
When I send couples out on a date, I ask them to observe the “500-yard rule.” As soon as you get 500 yards from your home, you cannot discuss the following three topics:
In answer to this directive, couples usually say, “What in the world are we going to talk about?”
That’s when I suggest a “life review.” While on their date, some couples share highlights from vacations; others go through their lives together systematically, year by year, sharing their favorite memories.
Pete and Nancy reported back to me that they hadn’t gotten past 1990 because they had so much fun reviewing the ’80s together. Lorraine and Arthur even remembered their hard times together, which made them aware of their strength as a couple.
One of the perks of this exercise is having the other person jog your own memory of how things unfolded. Often people will claim, “Oh, yeah’I forgot all about that experience.” Also, two people will remember the same event in slightly different ways based on their own perspectives, personalities, and histories. It can bring a new understanding into your relationship to see the past through the eyes of your mate.
While living in the “now” can generate peace and calm, ironically a detour into the past can bring happiness and intimacy right into the present moment.
REFLECTION: What memory of a time with your beloved can you hold dear to your heart, a memory that will always bring a smile to your face?
PROMPT: When you are on your date and need a conversation jump-starter
HABIT: Ask your mate, “How do you think you have changed over the past year?” Then, if needed, help her recall events from the past year: new job, new home, big promotion, children growing up, an accomplishment, a disappointment, aging parents, an illness or loss. Be open and curious to whatever changes she is experiencing.
Alternately, you can use this tool to share how you feel you’ve changed in the past year: “I’d like to share with you how I think I’ve changed over the past year.”
PURPOSE: Change is inevitable whether we like it or not. The person you fell in love with will change. She will get older, possibly wiser, and will be influenced even more by her life yet to live. Many couples find that they start to grow apart as they change. To avoid this you must face change head on.
Embracing change together by noticing it and talking about it builds intimacy. Encouraging your mate to be reflective gives her a chance to shape her experiences into words. It helps you understand her inner world. Meanwhile, sharing about your own change reveals your authentic self to your partner.
This habit builds a bridge to each other as you become aware of the changes in your midst.
My first husband used to call me “Mario” for Mario Andretti (the famous race car driver of the 1960s). I was a fearless and fast driver. However, over the next five years I developed a highway-driving anxiety. Suddenly, I was the annoying driver going under the speed limit.
David would say to me, “But you used to be Mario. What happened?”
“I changed … that’s what happened,” I responded. “What made you think that I wouldn’t change?” (I didn’t point out that he had a lot less hair on the top of his head.)
It’s a funny paradox that, in a world that we know is constantly changing, we somehow think our spouses should be the exception. We are surprised if she once loved shrimp but now cannot stomach it. We are shocked that he once was thin but now is fat. And the fact that she suddenly picked up kayaking (or darts or hunting)’you didn’t see that coming, did you?
I’m reminded of a wonderful couples therapist who when asked, “How can couples keep their relationship fresh and new on a daily basis?” answered, “Know that every single day, you’re married to a new person.” She advised that you wake up with a sense of wonder about who you’re going to discover.
For better or for worse, you cannot hold still the sands of time. So rather than resist change, embrace it … right in the middle of a date night. Use the conversation to reflect on the past and the present, helping your mate put into words the changes he or she has been experiencing. You’ll get to rediscover one another all over again.
REFLECTION: How do you resist the changes in your mate? How could you celebrate the changes in your mate?
PROMPT: While lingering over dessert and coffee
HABIT: Ask, “What do you dream will happen in the next ten years?” Spin out the trajectory of how life will be when/if this dream occurs. It could be a real possibility (such as a vacation on the horizon, when the kids are grown, when you retire) or a fantasy (if you owned a boat, if you ran a bed and breakfast, if you won the lottery). Keep asking questions and exploring the dream.
PURPOSE: When couples are first blending their lives together, they talk frequently about their hopes for the future. They fantasize about where they might live, whether to have children, what jobs they might seek, etc. And yet, after many of those dreams become reality, they stop systematically dreaming together.
As you listen to your mate, don’t take anything too personally. Don’t react negatively, rolling your eyes or gasping in panic. Remember, this is simply a conversation about wish and desire. See it as a way to get to know your spouse a little better.
Being curious about your spouse’s inner world is an aphrodisiac. People feel attractive when someone finds them interesting.
Also, if you share your spouse’s dream, you might fantasize together about how this dream might be possible. It can give you a road map as you solidify common values and goals. However, the point of the habit is to not to create a concrete plan but to have fun dreaming.
Dan and I sat across from our financial adviser. This good-natured gentleman spends his days helping people plan for the future responsibly. After an hour of jumping ten, twenty, and even thirty years into the future as we reflected on kid college years, retirement, and estate planning, I felt overwhelmed.
Russell leaned across the desk toward us conspiratorially and said, “You know, I’ve been in this business a long time, and things almost never turn out exactly as you imagine they will.” He chuckled, “In fact, the best part seems to be dreaming about the future. The dream is usually better than the reality!”
It’s true that when many people reach their long-term goals, they’re a bit disappointed. Ironically, fantasizing about the future may help you enjoy the moment you’re in more thoroughly.
Dreaming together is an entertaining exercise in which you write the script and play the leading roles. So spend a little time relishing the details of a dream in which all conditions are perfect, in which every problem is either solved or nonexistent. Imagine the picnic on the beach with no sunburn, the travel with no jetlag, the vacation home with no maintenance issues. Make it fun dreaming because the process itself may be the dreamiest part.
REFLECTION: Do you have a dream you’ve never shared with your partner?
PROMPT: When your dear one comes back from going to the restroom
HABIT: Light up when you see your loved one. Smile, nod, stand up, lift your eyebrows, and/or pull out her chair. Intentionally touch her arm or shoulder. For added emphasis, include the words, “Wow, I’m glad you’re back” or “I’m so happy to be here with you.” Look at your sweetheart with adoration on your face. After all, this is the one with whom you’ve chosen to spend your life with.
PURPOSE: Everyone wants to feel desired. Your presence should matter to your loved one. You want to feel special, cherished, adored. Although you may be wishing that your spouse would make you feel this way, this tool is about making her feel that way. You can’t control her behavior, but you can focus on and control your own.
A common complaint from unhappily coupled people is that one or the other’sometimes both’feels taken for granted. Be the light that dispels the darkness. Brighten up when you see your mate, (even without words, body language and touch can illuminate the night), doing your best to make her feel special and valued. Regardless of her reaction, you’ll know that you’re doing everything you can to create a climate of appreciation.
“He got me roses … for Valentine’s Day,” she stammered in the session. Trixie was a forty-eight-year-old woman coming to see me for depressive symptoms. As we untangled the strands of her life, it became evident to both of us that she was unhappy in her marriage. Her husband Ed, however, wasn’t willing to come with her to see a “shrink.” “That’s what crazy people do,” he said. Trixie, however, was just “crazy” enough to come see me.
“Was that nice for you, the roses?” I inquired.
“I don’t care about stupid flowers,” she said. “He gave them to me and then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. I’d be happier if he just spent some time with me … I mean, if he actually wanted to spend some time with me … you know, if he’d just light up a bit when I came into the room.”
Ah, lighting up like a Christmas tree at the very sight of your beloved. It’s so simple but so powerful. I was reminded of a time when I came down the stairs one morning to Daniel’s beaming smile (he typically wakes long before I do). I must have beamed back because he said that I was like the sun shining down on him. While I may have been his sun, it was his face lighting up when he saw me that filled me with warmth and light. This sense of wonder doesn’t have to go away just because the honeymoon is over.
I asked Trixie if she told Ed that she wanted to spend time with him. I asked her if she lit up when he entered a room. I suggested she give these things a try. Because humans are wired to connect, we all want the same basic things: to be appreciated, to know that we matter, to be intimately connected. So, on a primal level, your mate wants the very same things that you do.
Trixie came back the next week and announced that they had gone for a walk together on the beach. “We actually had a good time,” she said sheepishly. “He went in the opposite direction looking for shells, but when he came back, I ‘lit up’ when I saw him. He was so flustered,” she said, “that he actually looked behind him to see if someone else was there.” She laughed. “I told him that I was just excited to see him and be with him.”
She blushed. “Actually, the rest of the night was better too.”
REFLECTION: Do you notice any shifts in your partner’s demeanor when you make an attempt to make him/her feel extra special?
PROMPT: When you’re feeling bored with the same old date routine
HABIT: Intentionally do something new: Try a new restaurant; go to a new neighborhood; try something you’ve never done before; taste a new food; drive a different route; eat dessert first.
PURPOSE: When you participate in a new activity together, you build fresh and stimulating experiences as a couple. This happens naturally when you’re on vacation in a new place together but happens less frequently when you’re on home turf. Trying new things will let you see yourself as well as your partner in a new light.
Novelty is good for keeping the brain active and for stimulating the feel-good chemical dopamine. Likewise, novelty helps keep our relationships fresh. Experimenting with something new shifts you out of old ruts that can make your relationship feel stale. If you’re struggling to think of something different, check the local newspaper for ideas. Or keep an ongoing list of new things to try, which you can consult when ideas are running low.
Neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to change in response to new behaviors) research has shown that new activities cause new neural pathways to form in the brain. Therefore a simple change of routine will actually change your brain and stimulate you out of your rut. There’s nothing more effective for shaking things up than trying something new!
When I suggest to couples that they try something new for a date, I’m frequently impressed with their range of creative ideas. One young couple went to a senior center to play competitive bingo. Another couple played a dinner game, going to one restaurant for appetizers, another restaurant for entrées, and still another restaurant for dessert.
So when Dan and I were planning one of our monthly dates, I came up with the idea of attending a musical mystery dinner theater. Neither of us had any idea of what to expect. What we got was a night of full-throttle audience participation. We also didn’t expect the raucous, adults-only-themed humor throughout the night.
Staged in a historic inn, the production rotated the audience into five different rooms where we witnessed scenes, gathered clues, and helped enact ridiculous sketches. Our goal was to have fun while figuring out “whodunit.”
Amid our rotating rooms, we laughed while women donned boas and suggestively licked popsicles. The women sang while men were given “makeovers” of green hair and bright red lipstick. Dan and I sat back, enjoying the merriment.
That is, until one of the characters corralled Dan at the front of a room, put a 40DD brassiere over his shirt, and slid grandma-size silk panties over his legs. Playing va-va-voom strip tease music, they made him parade around our group and strut his stuff. Not only did Daniel rise to the occasion, but he had us howling as he sashayed enthusiastically up and down the aisle.
“It’s usually the quiet, conservative types who have the most ham in them,” confided the actress who chose him. Who knew?
REFLECTION: What do you have to lose by making the extra effort to find a new kind of date night for you and your partner?
PROMPT: When you get in the car after your date (or when you use any transportation to return home)
HABIT: Say to your beloved, “I choose you. I’m committed to you.” Seal the deal with a juicy kiss.
PURPOSE: It’s a wonderful thing to choose a life partner and make a commitment to him. Usually the wedding day or commitment ceremony is awash with the joy of your friends and family witnessing and celebrating this choice.
However, as the years go by, we often lose touch with the essence and spirit of this choice. Having made that commitment, we somehow assume that it will continue all by itself. Before you know it, we take that choice for granted and stop thinking about it. We forget that every day offers a choice to remain committed.
Letting your mate know that you still choose him as a spouse gives him a sense that he is important, valued, and prioritized. Sending this message on a regular basis keeps the relationship healthy and strong.
The Christmas season was upon us and I found myself standing at a long checkout line in a local bookstore. The woman in front of me turned in my direction and smiled. She said gleefully, “Glad to see that people are still buying books!”
I nodded my head in quiet affirmation, though I wasn’t interested in striking up a conversation.
Undeterred, she volunteered, “I’m not even getting a holiday present. Isn’t that silly? I’m getting books for me and my honey when we go on our vow renewal trip.”
Okay, I bit. “Vow renewal trip?” I asked.
She told me that every year, without fail, for the past twenty-two years, she and her husband returned to Bermuda where they were married. They went back to the same beach and renewed their wedding vows.
As a couples counselor, I was impressed. As a wife, I was amazed. “You never miss a year?” I asked.
“Nope,” she said. “We take our commitment very seriously.” She paused. “Of course, we’re getting older now, and I suppose eventually we might stop going. But the main thing is to renew our priority to each other.” She thought for a moment. “Actually, we could do that anywhere … but then again, why not go to Bermuda while we can?”
You might not be able to take an annual trip, but you can be intentional about affirming your commitment to your honey. Even if you only briefly acknowledge that out of all the people in the universe, you choose this special one to be with, that’s a powerful reminder to both of you about the sanctity of your relationship.
REFLECTION: Would you still choose this spouse if you had it to do over again?
PROMPT: When you pull into the driveway (or walk home) after your date
HABIT: Put your hand over your heart and say, “I love our home … especially the _____. And I love that we live here together.” Fill in the blank with something different each time you end a date, noting a beloved possession, room, or aspect of your home that you have created together.
PURPOSE: Gratitude as a regular practice is a direct route to happiness’in fact, it should become a habit. The field of positive psychology has made a study of gratitude, with the results being that grateful people have higher levels of well- being, are happier, are more satisfied with their lives and relationships, have greater resilience, and even sleep better!
Gratitude is medicine for the heart. There is a cascading effect. When you focus on gratitude, your heart opens, and you find even more for which to be grateful. The wonderful news is that gratitude is habit-forming. Like any other habit, it can be learned. So use the prompt of returning from your date as a cue to notice and feel grateful. Charge it with emotion, hold it deeply, and express it clearly.
Focus your mind on the wonderful living space that you’ve created together. Doing so will create a pleasant transition from the intimacy of your date into your home space.
Rachel and Roger rarely went on dates. If they did go out for dinner, they usually doubled with another couple. With three young children in the house, they almost never spent time alone together.
Their twelfth wedding anniversary was coming up and I suggested that they take the opportunity for a private date’no kids, no other couples, no extended family; just the two of them.
We went over some ground rules about what to avoid talking about (kids, work, finances) and what they might talk about (the habits in this section). They were ready for Friday night and looking forward to a special evening together.
The next week, I anticipated hearing how their big date had gone. But Rachel and Roger looked frustrated when they walked in my office. Roger blurted out, “It was all going great. We went to the restaurant that she wanted. We had some wine. We used the ‘Gone with the Wind’ tool and we had fun with ‘Through the Years.’”
“That’s terrific,” I interjected. “And then … ?”
“Well, we were just at the entrance to the driveway,” Roger continued, “and I thought for sure that we’d be making love that night. But suddenly, she started going over a to-do list … how I needed to go to the dump on Saturday and how I should mow the lawn and fix her bike. She even mentioned putting our taxes together. She just threw all these chores at me.”
Rachel jumped in. “I’m sorry that I made him so mad but I just started thinking of all the stuff that we needed to do, and I couldn’t help it. So he got all huffy and when we went in the house, he just went to his computer. That was that.”
From Rachel and Roger I learned that the end of the date is almost as critical as the date itself. So as you return home from your date, fill your words with gratitude. Extend the magic as long as possible.
REFLECTION: If your date ended with a moment of intentional gratitude, how do you think it would affect the rest of the evening?