From finances to parenting to sex to careers to time management to chores to—you name it, couples will fight about it. However, when it comes to a happy marriage, it’s not so much what couples argue about that really matters. It’s how they argue.
Based on simple interactional patterns, Dr. John Gottman, preeminent couples researcher, is able to predict with 97 percent accuracy which couples will stay together and which couples will divorce (or stay together but miserably). How does he do it? He looks for patterns created by what he calls “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:
When any of the Four Horsemen show up regularly in your relationship, they indicate a basic lack of respect. It doesn’t really matter whether you’re discussing taking out the garbage or your teenager’s curfew. If you attack your spouse with contempt and criticism, or if you stonewall and act defensively, you are eroding the love between you.
However, if you habitually use antidotes to the Four Horsemen, you create a climate of collaboration. Antidotes include “I” versus “You” statements, responsibility, self-soothing, appreciation, kindness, generosity, and forgiveness. Then your challenges become a pathway for growth and deeper understanding.
The following habits will help you cut through conflict in a healthy way. With intention, you can change habituated patterns of negative responses into a new dynamic.
PROMPT: When your beloved does that thing that he always does and has always done that totally and completely annoys you and may bring up a feeling of exasperation or contempt (this includes leaving the toilet seat up, or dropping dirty socks on the floor)
HABIT: First recognize that this is simply what your partner does and that you may not ever be able to change his behavior. Rather than experience your darling as a “half-empty glass,” immediately redirect your attention to the glass half full by asking yourself, “What are three things that my honey has done for me/provided for me in the past week?” Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone (including you) is a package deal.
PURPOSE: This tool, inspired by the Japanese practice of Naikan (translated as “introspection”), is a structured method of self-reflection developed by Yoshimoto Ishin. It includes three questions designed to restructure your thinking and see more clearly the give and take in relationships.
The first question of the Naikan practice is “What have I received from this person?” The question can be asked of anyone in your life, but it is especially powerful with a romantic partner. The point is to change your focus by shifting your attention from your mate as a problem to your mate as a supporter. Gratitude then starts to overcome resentment, making the glass very full indeed.
Dan frequently cannot keep track of his cell phone … or his sunglasses, or his keys, or his wallet, or his hat. In fact, he temporarily “misplaces” items all the time. Now it’s true that most of these things turn up sooner or later, and it’s also true that Dan never frets about these losses.
However, I get frustrated by this inconvenient habit. Clearly “his” problem is really “my” problem—or rather, how I handle the situation determines whether I have a problem. Freak out: I have a problem. Accept it: I don’t.
Recently I was returning from a writing retreat, and we had planned for Dan to pick me up at a certain time. However, I was done an hour earlier than expected, so I called Dan on his cell phone. No answer. H’m, that’s funny. Why isn’t he answering his cell phone? I wondered. I texted. No response.
That’s when it hit me. I knew it. I just knew it. He had forgotten his cell phone. My gut reaction was one of super annoyance, combined with an overwhelming desire to chastise him. But of course, there was no way to reach him, and I felt powerless over the circumstances.
However, I wasn’t powerless over my reaction. I wanted to feel accepting, not upset. I found a chair, took a deep breath, and settled in to change my perspective. I intentionally began to list all the things that Dan had done for me in the past week. He had generously supported me in going on this retreat, he had driven me and was planning to pick me up, he had put love notes in my suitcase … the list went on and on.
By the time he finally picked me up, I was calm, grateful, and thrilled to see him. I know that Dan will forget and lose his phone a hundred times more, but he never seems to lose what matters most: his love for me. For that, I can be grateful.
REFLECTION: How do you feel about your significant other when you highlight his or her wondrous qualities?
PROMPT: After an argument when you know that you’ve been critical and defensive (said unkind things, shouted, slammed something, accused, or blamed)
HABIT: After you’ve had a chance to calm down, go to your beloved and say, “I’m sorry. I completely missed the mark.” Seal the apology with a gentle kiss.
PURPOSE: When you mess up, the best course of action is to apologize. In general, you will make mistakes in your relationship because you are an imperfect human being. Welcome to human nature! Coming to accept yourself as flawed paves the way for a humbling apology. Use the Japanese philosophy of wabi sabi to have compassion for yourself. Wabi sabi is the ability to find beauty in imperfection. Japanese artists will even build in imperfections to their artwork as a celebration of it.
Author and relationship expert Arielle Ford writes in Wabi Sabi Love that when you begin to embrace your own imperfections as well as your partner’s imperfections, you create the foundation for true happiness.
While it takes courage to face your shortcomings, doing so will build a bridge of connection back to the other. Saying “I’m sorry” is a classic repair to a relationship rupture. It’s not so much the ruptures that make or break a relationship—because damage is inevitable—it’s the quality and consistency of repair that keeps a relationship healthy and happy.
I hadn’t seen Delia and Jason in more than six months. We had ended our work successfully and both of them said they were happier in their marriage. They had already integrated quite a few happy habits into their daily routine and had “graduated” from our sessions with flying colors.
But here they were again sitting on my couch with matching frowns on their faces. “Tell me what’s going on,” I said.
Jason volunteered, “Everything was great and suddenly, ever since our vacation a month ago … well, things have been terrible.”
“Really,” I responded. “What happened a month ago?”
Delia jumped in, “Our beach vacation.”
As we began to uncover what had occurred on the vacation, Delia revealed that Jason had gotten rip-roaring drunk one night, to the point that he passed out on their hotel room floor. Jason had no history of excessive drinking, but Delia had grown up with an alcoholic father, making her especially sensitive to this behavior.
After that night, Delia shut down emotionally, and neither of them had discussed the event again.
Jason looked dumbfounded as he listened to Delia’s rendition of his drunken escapade. “That’s why you’ve been angry for the past month? Why didn’t you say something?”
Delia could only say that although she had been trying to forget the incident, she had been unable to do so.
So I asked him, “Did you ever apologize to Delia?” He sheepishly shook his head. “No, I was too embarrassed and was hoping it would blow over,” he said. I suggested that it was better late than never. He turned to look at Delia and admitted that his behavior had been stupid and unacceptable. He said with emotion, “I’m so sorry that it happened and I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
Delia melted. A heartfelt apology with a kiss was all the therapy they needed.
REFLECTION: Are there things in your relationship that you need to apologize for?
PROMPT: When you can’t seem to let go of a grievance … when you’re holding on to a grudge from the past
HABIT: Spend some time breathing. As you breathe in, say softly, “I feel better.” Breathing out, say, “when I let go.” As you exhale, let your body relax. Remember that you hold the key to your liberation from misery when you choose to let go of resentment.
PURPOSE: There is a cost to holding on to an injury: You create your ongoing distress. Clinging to a wound and blaming the other person is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of hurling it at your adversary … or like ingesting poison and expecting the one you’re mad at to die. Meanwhile, you’re the one in trouble. The way to find relief is to forgive, let go, and move on. Holding on is looking backward. Letting go is moving forward.
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean condoning whatever bad behavior occurred in the past. It simply means accepting that it is over and done and then deciding to cut the string of attachment to the offending memory. Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person. It is a choice of liberation for you and your own peace of mind.
On one of the most glorious summer days that New England had to offer, Daniel and I set off to the beach for a romantic picnic. Against the backdrop of several weeks of health challenges, financial concerns, and stress at home, we were prepared to throw our cares into the ocean and enjoy a beautiful evening together. That was the intention, at least.
As we got on the highway, I saw Dan was driving close to eighty miles an hour. “Can’t you slow down?” I asked. He slowed to seventy-five. After a few minutes, I nagged again. “Why are you such a lead foot tonight? We’re not even in a hurry.” (Interestingly, I have heard many couples fighting over this same situation.)
Dan tried to change the subject, but I felt the need to complain yet again. “Why can’t you just slow down?” And at precisely that moment, that heart-stopping image appeared behind us: a state trooper with blinking lights.
It’s possible to receive a speeding ticket, shrug your shoulders, and decide not to let it ruin your evening. That was Dan’s response. However, it’s also possible to go berserk and spend the next hour in a tantrum. That, unfortunately, was mine.
Yes, upon reaching the beach and popping the bottle of wine, I went into a tirade that broke every “rule” of fair fighting. I am embarrassed to admit that I name called, I brought up old grievances, I catastrophized, I stonewalled (gave Dan the silent treatment), and I criticized. Basically, although I wanted to believe that Dan ruined our evening by getting a speeding ticket, I knew that I was ruining it by reacting badly.
After a while I started to walk along the beach, breathing and trying to calm myself. I thought of the many stories I have heard from clients who hold on to grievances from months, years, and decades past. I thought of the ongoing torment I have witnessed in people who are held hostage by their grudges.
But I also knew that even if I had a legitimate reason to be annoyed, the only way for me to find freedom was to look ahead rather than behind. I had to let go. And so, for the sake of my own well-being, I did.
I’m happy to report that the rest of the evening took us in a much better direction.
REFLECTION: What do you have to lose by letting go? What do you have to gain?
PROMPT: When you’re having a disagreement, especially if you are stuck on proving your position and defending yourself
HABIT: Say “Let’s Switch” and then say out loud how your mate is viewing the situation. In other words, speak from his perspective as if you were seeing through his eyes (say, “I am ‘Bill’ and this is how I see it …” or “I am ‘Jill’ and this is my reality …”). Before you speak, spend a moment with your eyes closed, breathing deeply, and thinking about what life must look like through the lens of your mate’s history, his personality, his experience. Once your partner adopts this habit, you can ask him to speak from your perspective.
PURPOSE: Most people, when they are having a disagreement with their spouse, only care about their own perspective. Both want to make their point, prove that they are right, and solidify their positions, but neither is empathic to the partner’s point of view.
However, empathy is a powerful component of your innate emotional intelligence. When you develop the capacity to put yourself in the place of your loved one, you increase your ability to appreciate his or her position. You get to know, and therefore recognize her desires and needs. You naturally come to understand her better.
Seeing life from your partner’s perspective also helps you generate the highest form of love: what the Greeks called agape or “selfless” love. In this form of love you sincerely care about meeting your mate’s needs and not just about meeting your own.
I was listening to a meditation CD billed as a tool for increasing empathy for your partner. The man’s soothing voice asked me to imagine my partner standing before me. I imagined Daniel in our backyard with me in front of him.
The voice guide asked me to gaze at my partner, looking into his eyes. “Imagine,” he said, “what it must have been like for this person to be a child of five years old. Where did he live? What sorts of things did she do? … Now imagine your partner at the age of fifteen, a teenager. What was his life like? What challenges did she have?”
I tried my best to imagine Dan’s life as a child, as a teenager. And indeed, I did feel empathy welling up in my chest. “Now think about some of the struggles that he currently faces from time to time. Think about how the past impacts him now.” I felt immersed in Dan’s psyche, his history, his reality.
Then, quite unexpectedly, the quiet meditative voice asked me to “jump into your partner’s body and see through his eyes.” Whoa. I did not see that directive coming. Awkwardly, I did my best to imagine what it would be like to see through the eyes of a 6' 5", 220-pound male body.
Actually, it was surprisingly easy. I could see what he might see and feel what he might feel. I gained a new understanding of some of his requests, such as his desire to go to a family party when I had other plans, or his urge to go on all-male summer camping trips.
When I “came back” into myself, I had a whole new appreciation for what it was like to be Dan navigating his world.
REFLECTION: Through your spouse’s eyes, how does he or she view you?
PROMPT: Before you begin to discuss finances
PROP: A bell, a singing bowl, or a chime.
HABIT: Sit together with a bell and ring it three times. Close your eyes and listen to the tone. Let the sound wash over and around you. Listen to each ring until the vibrations slowly dissipate into the air. After the third ring, open your eyes and say, “We’re in this together.”
PURPOSE: For many people, money is a loaded subject. In fact, it’s the number one issue that couples argue about (followed by sex and parenting). Money brings up issues of fear versus trust, scarcity versus abundance, and insecurity versus security.
However, in an intimate relationship, what’s even more important than the content is the process. In other words, it’s not so important what you are discussing as how you are discussing it. Are you talking about a subject openly and thoughtfully, creating a sense of emotional safety for each other? Or are you discussing the subject with hostility and reactivity?
This habit is steeped in the tradition of mindfulness, the practice of nonjudgmental awareness. This means being focused and attentive but in a way that is accepting of whatever arises. As the bell rings and you focus on the tone, you experience presence and acceptance, without knee-jerk responses.
If you find that the discussion is getting tense, you can ask to ring the bell again as a way to settle both of you and refocus on the goal of teamwork. Also, it helps to sit next to each other as you’re discussing your finances and to occasionally touch each other’s hands or arms to help keep the continuity of closeness.
By reminding yourselves that you’re on the same team, you attune to each other before and during a potentially challenging discussion. This climate of connection, combined with mindful attention, sets the stage for a rich conversation.
Mark and Michelle were ready for the session to begin. Their arguments about money had driven them into marriage counseling. I started the session as I always do: “Let’s begin with the bell.” We closed our eyes, and I went into my usual monologue, instructing them to focus on their breath and let their bodies relax. Then I said, “When you hear the sound of the bell, focus on the tone. Let the sound wash over you and take you inside to a place underneath circumstance, a place of stillness and peace. Breathe in the bell.”
My clients are used to this mindfulness ritual. As we listen to the sound until it is gone, we not only relax but we become mutually present and together. The whole practice takes around sixty seconds.
Mark sighed, “I love the bell. I feel so calm when I hear that bell.”
As our session progressed, the discussion of finances began to get tense. Michelle, agitated, snapped, “Mr. Save-It-for-Retirement doesn’t want us to spend money on anything fun. Who knows if we’ll even live until we retire. I want to live now and enjoy the money while we have it.”
Mark rolled his eyes and said, “With that attitude, we’ll be destitute in five years. It’s just plain irresponsible to spend our savings.”
“Okay,” I interjected. “I think this is a perfect time to come back to the bell. Remember that you are in this together. Think calm. Think compromise.” I rang the bell three times.
As we opened our eyes, I could tell that their energy had palpably shifted. The tension between them had drifted away on the crest of the sound waves. Michelle said softly, “Markie, honey, I know that we need to save for the future. But we need to have a little fun too. Don’t you think we can find a balance?”
Mark smiled. “I’ll tell you what, we’re gonna buy a bell like that for us and use it every time we talk about money.” We all laughed.
REFLECTION: How would your relationship improve if you could have calm discussions about your finances?
PROMPT: When you notice your spouse starting to blame, criticize, complain, or otherwise attack you
HABIT: Ask yourself, “I wonder what’s really going on underneath?” Take a few minutes to breathe deeply and recognize that your spouse feels either unloved or unsupported and doesn’t know how to get that message across effectively. Instead of reacting to the negativity, diffuse it by tenderly saying something along the lines of “I want you to know that my intention is always to love you and to support our life together.”
Conversely, if you find that you are the one blaming, criticizing, or complaining, look within for what is really going on underneath your attack. You can lead from your vulnerability and say, “What I really need to know is that you love me and support our life together.”
PURPOSE: Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love and the founder of a highly effective couples therapy template (Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT) explains that your deepest human need is to feel securely attached in your primary relationship. When you feel a threat to this attachment, you experience an involuntary and usually unconscious panic, which often results in an unsavory protest or tantrum.
These protest behaviors of complaint, blame, and demand are a sort of primal response to emotional starvation. Unfortunately, these toxic responses tend to elicit the very thing you fear (more distance). However, as EFT teaches, when you learn to understand the deeper need beneath the behavior (both within yourself and within your partner), you’re able to respond with tenderness and emotional resonance.
Marissa had a knack for getting exactly the opposite of what she really wanted from her husband Joe. She constantly complained, criticized, and blamed him. These were her common refrains:
“You always work late. You never come home in time for dinner with the family.” What she really meant underneath is, “I miss you, and I feel like the children and I don’t matter to you.” But that’s not what Joe heard. All that filled his ears was the nagging voice.
His response? He felt attacked, and he therefore shut down. He felt that he didn’t even particularly want to come home early, even when he could.
“Why don’t you ever help around the house? I’ve asked you three times already to take out the garbage. You’re so lazy.” Joe’s response? He felt nagged and humiliated. He shut down even further. Marissa’s underlying message wasn’t reaching him: “I feel all alone and afraid, and I need to know that you support this life with me.”
“You never want to have sex anymore. You don’t even come to bed with me. It’s so stupid to always fall asleep in front of the television.” His response? He stayed away and pushed her still further from him. (Would you want to go to bed with her?) What she really meant underneath was, “I am so lonely. I need to know that you desire me as I desire you. I want to feel special to you.”
How ironic that Marissa and Joe basically wanted the same thing: to feel supported, appreciated, and nurtured. However, when Marissa reacted to her sense of separation anxiety with typical “protest behaviors,” she ended up creating the very thing she feared most (having Joe become even more distant).
In my work with Marissa and Joe, I wanted to create a safe environment in which both of them could understand their greater desire to be close to each other. I helped Marissa express her needs directly, and I helped Joe understand her needs even when she couldn’t communicate them clearly.
When Joe realized that Marissa’s deepest longing was to know that she was important to him, he was able to assure her of that through word and action. And when Marissa realized that Joe did support her and the family with his love, she was able to appreciate him and listen for his needs as well.
REFLECTION: What do you have to gain by hearing your spouse’s true desire underneath his or her protest behaviors?
PROMPT: When you are stuck in a disagreement with your beloved
HABIT: Change the pattern of conflict by saying the words, “Yes,” or “I can see that,” or “I agree,” or “Maybe, let’s see.” Above all, stop being defensive!
PURPOSE: The ego always wants to be “right.” However, when you chronically disagree or insistently drive your point home, you create negative energy.
In arguments, you may notice yourself saying “But …” over and over. Perhaps you recognize that you’re stuck behind the need to be right. However, when you diffuse the negative energy by offering agreement, you move in a new direction. It is virtually impossible to argue with someone who simply will not argue back. And once you offer a spirit of possibility, creative solutions almost always present themselves.
Bill Ferguson, author of How to Heal a Painful Relationship, says, “You can be right or you can have love but you will never have them both.” He claims that being right destroys love because it puts the other in the “wrong” category and stimulates resentment.
This habit is inspired by the Japanese martial art of aikido. Aikido is about redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head on. In aikido, you use the attacker’s momentum to turn his movement in a new direction.
This habit isn’t about being a doormat and always saying yes. Instead, it invites you to examine whether you have the habit of chronic resistance—in other words, it encourages you to break a bad habit. Learning to change your pattern of conflict with a few simple words will lead to happiness.
Sam and Serena sat with their eyes closed. We were engaging in an exercise used by Daniel Siegel, the author of Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. As per my instruction, Sam turned his body toward Serena and said the word, “No” out loud. Then he repeated the word “no” five more times, slowly, but with increasing intensity and tone. Then, in conclusion, he gently offered the word, “Yes.”
As they opened their eyes, I asked Serena to reflect on how it felt to hear and receive the words. She said, “The ‘no’s’ felt harsh, tense, almost scary. I could feel my heart start to beat a little faster when Sam got louder.”
“And how was the ‘yes’ word for you?” I prompted.
“Totally different. Much softer, calmer,” Serena replied.
What was true for Sam and Serena is true in a discussion between you and your spouse. The word “no,” which most of us offer without even thinking twice, connotes strong negativity. While there may be occasions where a “no” is warranted, it is most often a knee-jerk reaction that deserves examination.
Serena had a history of saying no to Sam, of resisting his agenda and pushing her own. If he wanted to go out to dinner, watch a sporting event, leave his coat on the couch, read late to the kids—Serena’s response was always “No, no, no.” Her rules and expectations were rigid, and she was unaware of how much tension it was causing in their marriage.
After a month of agreeing to say, “Yes” as often as she could, Serena reported that she and Sam were getting along famously.
Serena reported, “I just say to myself, So what? Does it really matter? and then I say, Yes, sure.”
Life is too short to always be on the defensive.
REFLECTION: What do you really gain by the need to always be right?
PROMPT: When you are going to knowingly disappoint your beloved
HABIT: Soften the blow with a “cushion.” Lead your disappointing news with “I’m so sorry, but …” or “I’m so disappointed and I know you will be too, but …” Let your partner know that you recognize his feelings and/or wish it could be otherwise.
If you teach this habit to your spouse, you can ask for some cushion if he’s disappointing you in a way that feels insensitive.
PURPOSE: When you couch potentially disappointing news in a way that indicates that you understand and honor your spouse’s feelings, you soften the blow. You highlight the importance of your relationship in the face of imperfect circumstances. Disappointment is palatable if it is wrapped in regret and empathy. However, when disappointment is doused with disinterest, entitlement, and/or nonchalance, it is especially injurious. Developing the cushion habit lets your spouse know that he matters to you—always.
“All she said was, ‘They called another meeting. I won’t be home until late. Don’t wait up for me.’ And that’s it. So much for family dinner night,” Sam said.
Sam and Gillian had a nontraditional arrangement. Gillian was the primary breadwinner and Sam was the stay-at-home dad. He relished his role and loved being a “domestic engineer” (as he called it).
However, Sam often felt ignored and marginalized by Gillian. After three kids and fifteen years of marriage, he felt as if she took him for granted. She often had to stay late at work and even go on business trips at the last minute.
Gillian didn’t particularly like having to work so hard, but her career offered a high salary. After she and Sam had their first child, they both agreed that it made sense for her to pursue her lucrative career in sales. He was happy to take care of the home front.
Gillian didn’t mean to be unkind when she arrived home late night after night, but she was usually so stressed that she didn’t consider the impact of her unexpected absences on Sam. She said, “Does he honestly think I enjoy working late? I hate it … especially if Sam is going to pout when I get home. I’d rather he just go to sleep without me.”
I asked Gillian to try using the cushion habit the next time she encountered an unexpected schedule change. I suggested that she reach out to Sam and acknowledge how upsetting it must be for him. She was willing (even though she thought that Sam should be more empathic to her).
As it turns out, when Gillian softened her approach to Sam, he did the same. As Gillian explained how disappointed she was when her boss asked her to finish a report, and how she wanted more than anything to be home with Sam, Sam “heard” her. He heard that she was disappointed too.
Instead of punishing her with a cold dinner, as he might have in the past, he waited up and prepared her something fresh and warm to eat. They went to bed together, recognizing that they both wanted to feel close and connected in spite of the circumstances.
REFLECTION: Notice how when you take your lover’s feelings into account, he tends to become more receptive and open to you.
PROMPT: When you feel the first flush of anger and realize that you’re about to “lose it”
HABIT: Zip your lips, mentally count to ten, and then think of two different ways you could respond: with anger or with kindness. Even if your partner is being unreasonable or is intentionally trying to hook you, choose kindness.
PURPOSE: It’s easy to stay with your old habit of being reactive. That response has become automatic, as if your spouse is determining your behavior. If you slow that process down by pausing just as you feel your anger rising, you will notice that there’s always an ever-so-slight gap between the stimulus (what your spouse has said or done) and your response. In that gap, you can make a choice.
Spouses who adopt this habit learn to expand the gap. You can hold open that slight space in which you can make a choice about your reaction. In this gap lies the power between the high road and the low road, between habitual conflict and a happy marriage.
Rosemary had been working with me for about six months. She was particularly concerned about the ways in which her husband, Randy, pushed her emotional buttons. He had a way of blaming her for things that went wrong in his own life, and it drove her crazy. She always responded with anger.
Rosemary tried hard to be there for her husband but it always seemed to backfire on her. She packed his bags for business trips, but then he blamed her if he didn’t have something he needed. She helped him keep track of his wallet, keys, and hat, but if they were misplaced, he was angry with her.
As part of her therapy, she spoke to him about giving him full responsibility for these personal aspects of his life. He agreed wholeheartedly and claimed he’d wanted more independence all along.
However, the first time he lost his keys he immediately marched up to her and said, “What have you done with my keys?”
Rosemary felt her face flush in anger and knew that was the cue to zip it. She counted to ten and then imagined saying either, “You’re an irresponsible idiot! Figure it out,” or “It must be frustrating to not be able to find them. Where’s the last place you had them?” In the first option, she’d be belittling him; in the second, she’d be supportive. She chose the second course.
Over time, Randy became less accusatory and more self-reliant, a much healthier path for their interpersonal dynamic. Over time, they both learned the value of zipping it long enough to take the high road.
REFLECTION: What do you give up by not being reactive? What do you gain?
PROMPT: After you have had an argument, and once you have calmed down. When it’s time to “kiss and make up”
HABIT: Use a secret sign between the two of you that symbolizes, “We’re a team. We’re in this together. We love each other.”
PURPOSE: The habit of repair is vital for minimizing long-term relationship deterioration. If you get into the habit of making sure that every altercation ends with a sense of togetherness, your marriage will stay strong.
Although how you handle a conflict matters (using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, and using respect rather than name calling), how you end the conflict is equally important. Fixing the connection after you have created a feeling of distance is essential for creating a happy marriage.
The use of a secret symbol is an intimate way to reconnect after discord or disappointment. As a habit, it reminds you that you are loving teammates and that your sense of connection is more important than the subject of your disagreement.
This habit is quite powerful. Once you’ve thoroughly integrated it into your behavior, you’ll find that you use it frequently, both as a post-argument repair and as a way of strengthening your sense of unity.
I encourage every couple in my practice to create their own private, intimate teammate gesture. It might be a secret handshake, a dance step, or a series of touches. I’ve been quite impressed by the array of creative signs I’ve seen. While using your teammate symbol is a welcome habit for any occasion, it’s especially vital after an argument to help you recalibrate.
Brian and Alexis had made quite a bit of progress in learning how to fight fair. That said, they still fought about what was best for their four-year-old daughter, Rebecca. Alexis, a stay-at-home mom, had very particular ideas about how Rebecca should be raised. She had a hard time letting Brian do things his way.
Brian had given Alexis a “day off,” to spend with a girlfriend at a spa. Alexis had left Brian with a schedule detailing what Rebecca should eat, when she should nap, and what videos were appropriate for her to watch.
However, when Alexis came home she flipped. Rebecca hadn’t napped, had eaten junk food, and had watched a football game with dad.
As she recounted that day in the session, her voice got louder. “Why couldn’t he just do everything as I asked?” She was silent, and then she got teary-eyed. “Why am I the only grownup in the house?”
Brian looked shocked and opened his mouth to speak, but I intervened. “Alexis, do you believe that Brian loves his daughter?”
“Oh, I know that he does, but …”
“And do you think Rebecca will benefit from having a strong relationship with her daddy?” I continued. Alexis nodded.
I continued, “You can be a single parent making all the decisions on your own, or you can parent with Brian and learn from each other.”
Alexis turned to Brian, “I know I get crazy controlling. I do want to parent with you.”
Brian spontaneously reached his right hand for her left elbow. She responded by placing her left hand on his right elbow. This pretzel-armed gesture, I knew, was their “teammate” sign.
“We’re in this together,” Brian said. “Don’t forget it.”
REFLECTION: What do you gain by holding on to resentment? What do you gain by letting it go?
PROMPT: When you are out of control with your emotions
HABIT: Take a five- to fifteen-minute time out. Say, “I need a time out,” or simply say “Code Red.” Then go into another room to calm yourself down. Begin by counting ten exhalations; make them long and low in your body. Purse your lips as if you’re blowing air through a straw. Next either splash cold water on your face, neck, and wrists, or count backwards from 100 by threes (100, 97, 94, 91, 88 …). Finally, when you feel more in control, return to your partner and say, “I’m ready to try again.”
When you see that your partner is out of control, suggest, “I think we both need a time out.” Before going into another room, explain that you will return in fifteen minutes but that it isn’t productive to keep the conversation going under present conditions. Trying to converse with someone who is out of control is like trying to talk with an extremely drunk person. It doesn’t work.
PURPOSE: When you get over-the-top upset, you are in what I call “code red.” Your body is flooded by adrenalin and cortisol. The electrical signals from your limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) transmit two times faster than the electrical signals from the neocortex (the reasoning part of the brain). That means that you cannot think clearly because your body has kicked into the “fight/flight or freeze” response.
Taking a time out, much as giving one to a child who is having a tantrum, is a way to contain yourself until the storm passes. A series of deep and long exhalations is one of the quickest and most effective ways to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system (the calming mechanism in the body). Splashing cold water on your face is a way to cool down the body, and counting backwards helps redirect the reactive mind. Both help you self-regulate (calm yourself down). Once you’ve reached a “code green,” you’re ready to try again.
Jennifer and Grant were a volatile couple. They frequently had dramatic shouting matches, which often resulted in tears, slammed doors, and occasionally shattered dishes. They were empty nesters now, and Jennifer was threatening to leave Grant if he couldn’t get his anger under control.
To address this problem, I had taught them a system of alarm identification. If they were both in a reasonably calm state (code green), they could proceed with any discussion. However, if they saw signs of code red (shouting, screaming, slamming, sobbing), they needed to abort the discussion and take a time out. Most people also have a “code yellow,” (warning, danger), but Jennifer and Grant tended to escalate to code red in a heartbeat.
They came into the session and Jennifer said, “I’m really at the end of my rope. We had a gigantic fight last Saturday. It exploded. Grant got drunk—he smashed a vase—and I nearly called the cops. I just don’t see how we can go on.” Grant hung his head.
“I agree that you shouldn’t continue to have these scenes,” I said. “Let’s back it up. Tell me how it started.”
Jennifer said they’d been arguing over whether to give their grown daughter some money for a down payment on a car. As their disagreement progressed, Grant told Jennifer that she was irresponsible with money, and then he began downing shots of tequila.
“So what did you do?” I asked Jennifer.
“I told him that he was a drunk, a lousy dad, and a cheapskate,” she said.
“So you walked right into the storm, huh?” I replied. (This was shortly after Hurricane Sandy barreled up the eastern United States leaving devastation in its wake.) I explained to Jennifer that whenever she engaged in Grant’s storms, rather than evacuating (taking a time out), she invited severe damage to herself, to him, and to their marriage. I explained to them about the code red habit and suggested they work on adopting it.
I don’t know if Jennifer and Grant will be able to develop the habit of stopping a storm in its tracks, but I do know that the ability to evacuate, calm down, and start over is vital for the health of their relationship.
REFLECTION: It takes two people to whip up the conditions for a treacherous storm. Do you receive any benefit from the drama? Are you willing to end the escalation?
PROMPT: After an argument, preferably twenty-four hours after the conflict
HABIT: Sit down together and set a timer for ten minutes. Spend up to (but no longer than) ten minutes reviewing your recent argument. Analyze your own behavior by stating at least two ways that you could have handled the situation differently. Say, “I did this, but I could have done that” or “I said that, but I could have said this.”
Try to be objective, as if you’re critiquing a movie scene. This conversation is not about rehashing the topic, solving the problem, or discussing your feelings. The purpose is to deconstruct the pattern that occurs between you and determine how you contribute to that pattern (regardless of the topic). Dissect the interaction; define the point at which things escalated, and note where you began to act in a way that was reactive or when you began to shut down. When the ten minutes are up, end with a “Thank you for looking at this with me.”
PURPOSE: You may notice that you and your mate get into the same argument over and over again. You could probably just play a tape recorder of the same old fight with the same old words that you’ve been saying for years. This habit inserts perspective into the cycle, creating the opportunity to develop a healthier pattern.
Like a performance review in which you assess your work and create new goals for yourself, this habit invites you to review your actions and learn from your mistakes. It is purposely limited to ten minutes so the conversation won’t go on endlessly or spiral into another version of the previous argument.
After a conflict, you might be tempted to never mention that angry moment again. You may wish to sweep it under the carpet and ignore its impact. However, by doing so, you only reinforce its negative influence in your marriage.
When you make it a habit to review your own participation in an argument and see where you might have behaved differently, you increase the odds of breaking the cycle of repetitive, unproductive conflicts. While it may be tempting to point out how your partner behaved badly, keep the focus on yourself. Remember that you can’t control or change your spouse’s actions or insights. You can only work to improve your own behaviors.
Although Harrison and Caitlin were deeply in love, they found themselves reverting to immature, hurtful behaviors with each other. Each of them was guilty of name calling, yelling, and even throwing pillows at each other. Although they were both highly educated, they frequently acted like toddlers.
They came to see me because they wanted to start a family but were afraid to bring a child into a volatile marriage. Not surprisingly, Harrison felt that Caitlin needed to get a handle on her anger, while Caitlin felt that Harrison’s immaturity was the core problem. In truth, the dynamic of their relationship was the culprit.
One week they came to see me, and Harrison announced that he had been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the past three nights. “What happened?” I asked.
Harrison announced dramatically, “Caitlin insulted me when I was late to the restaurant—she launched into an attack, actually, and I refuse to sleep in the same bed with her until she apologizes to me.”
It’s often the case that you feel you are owed an apology—and perhaps you are. However, you cannot make your spouse apologize to you. Blackmail or emotional extortion is not the answer.
In session, we untangled the feelings at the heart of this argument. Caitlin had felt abandoned when Harrison was late. Rather than voice her pain, she had lashed out. He reacted to her insults by shutting down. By talking about the argument, rather than the source of conflict, in just a few minutes Caitlin and Harrison were able to own their personal participation in the squabble and see how they could have handled things differently.
Happily they began sleeping in the same bed together that night.
REFLECTION: What happens to your marriage when you start focusing on how to improve your own actions, rather than focusing on what you think your spouse should do?