People everywhere want nothing more than to be coupled. Marriage is seen as the ultimate interpersonal commitment, the holy grail of relationships. You long for it, strive for it, wish for it, pray for it and then—pow! It happens to you. You want the happiness to last, of course. You want the love to be forever.
But love is tricky. On the one hand, when you are at your best, it means caring about your partner’s needs more than your own, giving with an open heart. On the other hand, romantic love often implies some expectation of return, some measure of reciprocal devotion.
Conditional love means, I love you as long as … you stay thin, get rich, tell me what I want to hear, don’t do anything that will force me to hate you, and frankly, as long as I feel like it. On the other hand, unconditional love—the love you might experience regularly with your pets or your children—means I love you even when you change, even when I change, even when you have a tantrum, even when you’re rude to me, even when I don’t feel like it, because my heart is large and open.
When it comes to true, unconditional love, the love in your marriage has its source within you. You can’t control your spouse’s capacity for unconditional love but you can model it for him or her. It’s a measure of your capacity for a big, open heart. Think of the well-known Dr. Seuss furry Christmas creature, the Grinch. When he hears the Whos down in Whoville still singing even though their Christmas had been stolen, his heart grows to three times its size.
You might find it easy to act in loving ways when you feel loving, but what about when you don’t feel that way? Amazingly, it is possible to act “as if.” Your emotions will respond to your actions: When you act in loving ways, you start to feel loving. The habits in this section are designed to open your heart, to help you act in loving ways so that you feel loving as a result. Keep your heart open and love will bloom.
PROMPT: When you get dressed in the morning
HABIT: Stop for a moment and cradle your face by placing your hands on your cheeks. Repeat these words out loud: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from harm. May you know peace. You are a wonderful person. You deserve love.”
Hint: In a place where you will see it, keep a Post-it with these words (or others that resonate for you) until you have them memorized.
PURPOSE: This habit is about filling your own cup with love and happiness. You—and nobody else—are responsible for your own happiness. You don’t need to look for another person to complete you, as if you were faulty or only half of a person. No, you are completely whole on your own. Your beloved partner merely makes you more whole and happier.
John Gray, relationship expert and author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, proclaims that individuals are responsible for 90 percent of their own happiness. A person's partner can help top off the extra 10 percent.
The words in this habit are based on the Buddhist meditation known as the Metta Bhavana (a practice of loving kindness). Most people don’t offer themselves love and compassion. Decide to become your biggest and best cheerleader. When you fill your mind with this kind of loving, positive self-talk, you will dwell in love and your cup will runneth over.
The gesture of cradling your face adds to the sense of tender self-love and triggers your instinctual caretaking.
In order to truly love another person, you have to begin with yourself. This was the lesson that my client Charlotte finally learned. Charlotte and Gene had been married for three years. They came to see me because Charlotte was obsessed with the fear that Gene was going to leave her.
Although Gene was a kind and gentle husband, his words of love and endearment often fell on deaf ears. He told her that she was beautiful, but she didn’t believe it. He told her that he adored her, but she figured it wouldn’t last. She often said in session that she didn’t understand why someone as wonderful as Gene would fall in love with someone as mediocre as herself.
Gene shook his head in frustration. “No matter what I say, it’s not enough,” he said. “I can’t convince her that she’s wonderful. I don’t know what to do to help her.”
I recognized that Charlotte’s lack of self-love was getting in their way. If she didn’t change her ability to feel lovable, the trajectory for their marriage was in jeopardy.
“I believe that Charlotte needs to do some inner work on her own,” I interjected. “Gene, you can support her but, ultimately, you cannot do this work for her.”
As the months unfolded, Charlotte bravely looked at her childhood, investigated her internalized messages, and opened herself to being in the world in a new way. She was willing to do the “Full Cup” exercise every day until it became habitual, because she didn’t want to lose Gene and she wanted to feel like a whole person.
I noticed that, as time went by, she began to smile more, to reach out to Gene in sessions, and to speak positively about herself. I knew that it was time to end our work together when Charlotte could receive Gene’s love, know that she deserved it, and give it back in abundance.
REFLECTION: How could your marriage improve if you lived a life grounded in self-love?
PROMPT: When you’re separated from your beloved in a social situation—a party, a gathering, a large crowd
HABIT: Make eye contact with your partner and discretely tug on your earlobe.
PURPOSE: It’s easy to feel distant from your honey when you’re surrounded by a group of people. As you make eye contact and tug on your ear, this private and physically intimate sign will instantly connect you and remind you that you love and are loved.
This famous earlobe tug was covertly introduced in 1967 during the CBS variety hour, The Carol Burnett Show. Carol ended every show with the same song and a tug on her earlobe. It was a private “I love you” sign meant for her grandmother who had raised her.
Once your sweetheart knows the meaning of the sign, she’ll be assured that she’s at the center of your heart, even when surrounded by a crowd.
It wasn’t that Rosa disliked Miguel’s family. In fact, she really loved her mother-in-law and the entire gang of Miguel’s siblings, spouses, and their children. His four brothers, with their wives and children, made up a rowdy crowd of twenty-four people.
However, Rosa complained to me, “Whenever we go over there for dinner, Miguel ends up with his brothers playing pool for hours. I get stuck in the kitchen preparing food with all the other women. The kids run around like wild animals. I enjoy the evenings in some ways, but I never feel close to Miguel. In fact, it seems like he hardly notices me.”
I suggested that she tell him about this sign and then use it several times during the evening. She told me that she wished that he would be the one to use the sign for her, because he was the one who seemed to ignore her. I explained to her that she couldn’t necessarily change his behavior but she could focus on her own. Sometimes when you become the change that you wish, you create the change that you wish.
The next time I saw Rosa, she smiled demurely. “The first time I tried using the sign, it didn’t seem to register. But then I did it again, and I got such a beautiful smile from Miguel. After that, he used it for me!”
“It was a subtle shift,” she continued, “but it was fun and made a real difference. I felt better about the evening with his family. Maybe those parties aren’t so bad after all.”
REFLECTION: Are you willing to initiate the change that you desire?
PROMPT: When your partner seems sad, tired, or anxious
HABIT: Sit next to your spouse and sync up your breathing. Do this by putting your hand on his back or his belly. Notice the pattern of his breathing and then start to match the rhythm with your own breathing. Spend a few moments breathing together. At the end of this experience, kiss your partner tenderly and softly on his eyelids, first one eyelid and then the other.
PURPOSE: This habit is like a lifeline when your spouse is feeling adrift. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of Conscious Loving, advise that couples intentionally breathe together on a regular basis. The simple act of matching your partner’s breathing, they say, changes your state of consciousness. It creates a real but magical energy between you.
Kissing the vulnerable and tender spot of your spouse’s eyelid actually stimulates your body in a way that contributes to feeling bonded. The combination of touching, breathing, and kissing creates a sense of emotional safety and spiritual grounding.
Quincy and Mariah had only been married for three years when they came to see me. They had been trying to have a baby during that entire time but to no avail. In fact, even though Mariah was only thirty-five, she had a long history of gynecological issues. The last blow had just occurred when Mariah was recently advised to have a hysterectomy.
Clearly their dream of conceiving a baby was now over. They told me they weren’t interested in adoption. Instead they wanted to adjust to the reality that they would not have children.
As they described their situation to me, Quincy looked dazed. Mariah began to cry softly, looking increasingly more distressed. Quincy threw up his hands as he gazed at her, saying, “There’s nothing I can do.”
I said simply, “Actually, there is.”
“But I can’t change our circumstances,” he countered.
“No, but you can provide emotional support, which is what she needs most,” I advised. “You can be there for her, a loving presence, so she knows she isn’t alone.”
Mariah began crying harder now, saying, “He doesn’t know how to do that.”
I instructed Quincy, “If you’re willing, could you put your hand on her back? I want you to feel her breathing.”
He was willing and so we spent the next few minutes with Quincy cueing in to her breathing, which went from ragged and shallow to deep and slow. By the time he offered her kisses on her eyelids as per my direction, she had calmed down considerably. She, in turn, felt spontaneously moved to kiss his eyelids.
I summarized, “That’s what you can do … no matter what the circumstances.”
REFLECTION: Are you willing to be there for your spouse, to comfort her, even when you cannot change your circumstances?
PROMPT: If you’re starting to feel distant from your mate
HABIT: Put your hand on your beloved’s heart and ask her to put her hand on your heart. Then hum a note and have your spouse hum it with you, matching the tone. Hum together until one of you changes the note. Match again and hum.
PURPOSE: When you feel distant from your spouse, this simple habit will quickly realign you and make you feel connected. Touching each other over the heart stimulates the bonding hormone of oxytocin.
Sharing the same sound waves creates a frequency of connection. Sound vibrates through your cells and unites you in a common vibration. Making a habit of joining through sound and touch reminds you that you are together in life and that your marriage is a priority.
I sat with a group of three middle-aged women over lunch, all of us already or close to being empty nesters, or, as I like to say, free birds. One had just launched her final child and was marveling at how much time she and her husband were spending together.
Hillary lowered her voice and confessed, “You all know that Rick and I were sort of drifting from each other the past couple of years. We were just so busy with the kids and our careers … but luckily, neither of us strayed outside the marriage. Now that it’s just the two of us again, we realize that we really do love each other.”
I’ve heard it said that having children is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage. Being a parent is wonderful and is obviously extremely important for the propagation of the species, but it can turn a happy marriage upside down. When distracted by the labor-intensive work of raising children, you have to be especially mindful as a couple to keep your connection a priority (and that’s where the 75 habits can help!).
Some couples find their way back to each other when their nest is empty, but sadly, other couples get lost and never reconnect.
“What kind of things are you doing together?” I probed.
Hillary smiled mischievously, “We’re having sex again!” The three of us cheered. “And we’re playing tennis together. Oh, and we’re humming together.”
“Humming?” we asked in unison.
“I guess because Rick is a music teacher, you know, but he just started humming to me and then, one day, I hummed back. Now we stand close to each other and take turns matching notes,” Hillary said sheepishly. She continued, “I wish we had thought to do this years ago. If only he had hummed to me when the kids were growing up, I might not have felt so lonely. I know it sounds silly but when we match tones, I can sort of feel myself getting in sync with him.”
“What a great idea,” I said. “Try putting your hands on each other’s hearts while you hum. Touch and sound together are an amazing combination.”
We all agreed to go home and try this new habit. Dan and I have been using it together ever since.
REFLECTION: Are you willing to be the one to initiate connection, even when you’re feeling distant from your spouse?
PROMPT: When you or your darling is sitting in silence and you’d like to start a conversation
HABIT: Say “penny” (as in, “for your thoughts”). Your spouse should say immediately what he or she was just thinking and be uncensored and honest. Hear this true answer, whatever it may be.
PURPOSE: You want your beloved to know you … and you want to know his or her deepest thoughts as well. When you cultivate the habit of inquiring about your spouse’s inner world—and sharing your world in return—you come to know each other better. Intimacy is built on the idea of sharing yourselves with each other.
Caring enough to be interested in your mate’s thoughts is an attractive quality. Demonstrating that you care, and that you’re willing to hear the true answer, indicates your commitment to your marriage.
A prerequisite to this habit, of course, is feeling emotionally safe with your spouse. Your partner needs to feel sheltered in order to truly share and reveal himself. Likewise, you also need to feel safe to be receptive and giving. All of the habits in this book are about building that emotional safety with your spouse.
Regina told me her husband complains that he never knows what she’s thinking. He says that she’s hard to read and never shares herself with him.
“Is that true?” I asked her. “Are you intentionally not talking with him about certain issues or feelings?”
“Well actually … yes,” she answered. “Even though I know I should be able to tell him anything, I feel embarrassed. Maybe he doesn’t want to know what’s really on my mind.”
“Are you willing to play a game to help him know what you’re thinking? I think it will help the two of you get closer. He obviously wants to know you better and know what you’re really feeling,” I said.
We discussed the “Penny” habit, and she agreed to try it.
The next week she came in to report that the game was a huge success.
“I feel like we’re getting to know each other on a whole new level,” she said, blushing.
“For both of us, we’ve never felt closer.”
REFLECTION: Are you willing to be honest with your partner about your thoughts? Do you believe you have thoughts you need to hide? What is the cost for doing so?
PROMPT: At night if you are in separate places and are having a phone conversation
HABIT: End the conversation with a “phone hug.” You should both close your eyes and imagine yourselves in the same place, either standing or lying down. Tell your partner how it feels to hug him or her, what you feel and what you imagine. Picture yourself in that embrace. Take at least sixty seconds with this habit.
Although modern technology with Skype and FaceTime make visuals possible, this habit uses audio only and requires both of you to close your eyes.
PURPOSE: When you intentionally connect emotionally during a time of physical separation, you create a safety net for your relationship. You affirm your commitment to each other and to the health of your marriage.
Having your eyes closed helps you summon visual and sensual details in your imagination. You may or may not talk as you engage in this virtual hug, but either way, you’ll be creating a sense of union that makes you feel closer … even when you’re far apart.
Sharon’s first husband, Jim, was a pilot. They had been married for nine years, and in all that time, she had never gotten accustomed to his frequent departures. After they had their first child, it got worse.
She complained that she was a “work widow.” When he moved from the domestic route to the longer absences of an international route, she cried. However, over time, she learned not to react … and eventually, not to even notice. She began to dread his returns because she had learned to run the household so effectively without him.
When she learned he was having an affair in Tokyo, she filed for divorce with little emotion. She would always blame his career for her psychological withdrawal and for the death of their marriage.
Now, a decade later, with this emotional baggage in tow, I understood when Sharon cried hysterically upon learning that her second husband, Anthony, was going on a business trip. Not only did she feel abandoned, she believed this trip signaled the beginning of the end of her marriage.
I assured her it didn’t need to be this way. She could put habits in place to ensure that she and Anthony stayed close even with miles between them.
“Did you ever talk on the phone with Jim when he traveled?” I asked.
“Oh, sure, he called every night. He asked about the kids, if he had received any mail, if I had paid the bills. You know, just ordinary chitchat,” Sharon replied.
“Well I’d like you to try something different,” I suggested. I told her about the “Phone Hug” habit. She said she would try it.
During our next session, Sharon reported that the phone hug had been a big hit. She described it as being kind of sexy. They had lowered their voices and described nuzzling into each other’s necks and wrapping their arms around each other.
“It was almost spooky,” she said, “I could literally feel a shiver down my spine just by imagining him next to me.” She continued, “I still would rather he not travel, but emotional presence sure does make physical absence more tolerable.”
REFLECTION: Are you willing to stay connected even when you are physically apart?
PROMPT: When you’re leaving on a trip (however short or long)
HABIT: Write a brief love note for your dear one and put it in a surprise place (in her lunch box, on the bathroom mirror, in the fridge, in a sock drawer, on her pillow, in a purse or briefcase, on her computer screen). Use just a few words (even “XO” can make an impact).
PURPOSE: When you write “honey notes” for your spouse to find when you travel, you offer her constant reminders of your love. Let your beloved know that even when you’re separated, you are thinking of her and doing your best to nurture the marriage.
Little love notes are a gift to your spouse. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, gifts are one of the ways to communicate love. (He identifies five categories of love expression: touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and verbal affirmation.) If you adopt this habit, you’ll ensure that your spouse feels treasured and cherished. Putting Post-its in surprising places also creates novelty and fun, thereby stimulating a small dose of dopamine (a feel-good brain chemical) for your mate.
Note: Alternately, if your spouse is going on the trip, you can put surprise love notes in her suitcase or bag.
“The real issue couples have in the twenty-first century is that they don’t take the time to nurture their bond. Everything else takes priority,” said the couples expert. She was a seasoned clinician teaching a group of forty mental health professionals about “Emotionally Focused Therapy” for couples.
She proceeded to tell us of a couple with whom she had just successfully ended treatment. She said, “I knew they really didn’t need counseling any more when he told me that his wife leaves sticky love notes in his lunch box every day.” Several people around me sighed.
“I know,” our storyteller continued. “Can you imagine if I found a love note in my suitcase from my husband tonight? I would be so excited. I know he loves me but he just would never think to do that. I mean, who would?”
“Dan would,” I thought. “Dan already did.”
Dan always leaves sticky love notes in my suitcase if I travel without him. And if he travels without me, I find hidden notes all over the house—in my desk, in my purse, beside my toothbrush. He taught me, with just a few little scraps of paper, how sweet it is to feel valued and special.
Once you begin associating your suitcase and travel toiletries with a pen and pad of sticky notes, you’ll easily develop this habit. The notes don’t need to be elaborate or fancy—just a small way to let your honey know that he matters to you.
It’s especially important for your spouse to feel like he’s important to you when you’re physically apart. As you travel, it’s easy to get caught up and start to feel separate from your home life. This habit helps you stay connected even when you’re divided. Let absence make the heart grow fonder (and not simply out of sight, out of mind).
REFLECTION: How connected do you feel when you are apart from your spouse?
PROMPT: When you greet each other and/or when you are together in the bedroom
HABIT: Use a pet name or nickname when you address your spouse. If you already use nicknames, try a new one. Some examples of common terms of endearment are sugar, good lookin’, lover, sweetie pie, tiger, teddy bear, sexy lady, muscle man, sugar lips, baby doll, etc. Allow yourself to be creative and generously flattering. Consider coming up with sweet, silly, or complimentary words for “private parts” as well.
PURPOSE: When you develop the habit of playful nicknames in your relationship, you add a dimension of fun, spontaneity, and uniqueness to your marriage. If you already have some tried and true pet names for your spouse, this tool invites you to be intentional about changing things up and being freshly appreciative. Treat the “Baby Doll” habit as a game and see what sticks.
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, preeminent couples therapists, state in their book, Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage, that loving nicknames are almost a ubiquitous characteristic of happily married couples. They call nicknames a “private code for love.” Every happy marriage has its own verbal and physical cues for “I love you.” Secret pet names and public nicknames are one way to keep love flowing in your marriage.
Every couple is different in the degree to which they use playful names. Some only use them in private, others only in public. Some couples always use a nickname to refer to their spouse, while others use one only in the bedroom. You will be surprised how a new nickname will charge up the tender expression in your spouse’s eyes.
Once during a visit to Tennessee, Dan and I were a bit startled when the waiter came to our table and said, “Okay, sugar bun and honey pie … what can I git y’all to drink?” After the waiter left, I asked, “Which one of us is honey pie?”
Dan laughed and said, “Hey, I’m not gonna let that waiter talk sweeter to you than I do … baby doll … honey lips.”
For the rest of that trip, we adopted thick southern accents and developed increasingly creative terms of endearment for each other. Although pet names may seem, on the surface, rather ridiculous, they express fun, admiration, and love.
You’ll need to find the right pattern for you, but one thing is for certain: When you use verbal codes to communicate the unique love you have for your spouse, your connection comes alive and the “us” space blossoms.
REFLECTION: Notice what energy begins to emerge when you become verbally playful with your spouse.
PROMPT: When you’re with your spouse at a party or at a family gathering
HABIT: Compliment your spouse in his or her presence in public. Be generous and authentic in your praise.
PURPOSE: Your spouse wants to feel important and valued in your eyes. When you make a habit of complimenting your mate in front of other people, you publicly declare your admiration for her. Additionally, you strengthen your own ability to appreciate your mate. Finally, when you practice this habit in public, you model to others how happy couples behave.
The flip side of this, a deeply damaging habit for your marriage, is publicly insulting or humiliating your mate—even if it is in a teasing way. Every so-called “joke” has an element of truth. When you make fun of your spouse at a party or gathering, you weaken your bond.
Let others know you think your spouse is terrific. Let your children know you think your partner is amazing. Make your spouse feel cherished in a whole new way.
Richard and Suzanne wanted desperately to be closer to each other—they had simply lost their way. After twenty years of raising kids and advancing their careers, they had developed habits of distance and independence.
Suzanne claimed that she tried to express love for Richard—she made him coffee in the morning and picked up his dry cleaning and cooked his dinner—but he always seemed dissatisfied. She didn’t know what to do.
I explained to Richard and Suzanne that we all express and receive love in different ways. In a model (mentioned previously in Habit 60) popularized by Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, he identifies five categories of love expression: touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and verbal affirmation. While we respond to all five, each of us tends to have one preferred love language.
Therefore, if you express love primarily with touch, but your spouse really prefers gifts, it’s as if you’re speaking Italian but she only understands Chinese. You’re speaking past each other. I mentioned my cat, who brings me dead birds and mice as a love offering. I thank her but explain that dead animals are not my love language!
I pointed out that Suzanne was using acts of service as an expression of love, but they weren’t registering for Richard. As we explored further, Richard realized that he craved verbal affirmation (compliments, appreciation, words). I suggested to Suzanne that she lavish him over the next week with praise, both privately and publicly.
During their next session several weeks later, Richard beamed, “Now we’re getting somewhere … I really do feel her love! She compliments me all the time now—even to my boss and my friends. I’ve never felt better. In fact, it kind of makes me want to be the man she believes me to be.”
Once your mate tells you and others the qualities in you she prizes—your generosity, kindness, humor, compassion—you strive to increase these qualities. Your spouse’s praise starts to expand your best nature … and your praise starts to expand her best nature.
Suzanne said, “It makes me happy to know that he’s happy. And when he’s feeling fulfilled, I can see that he’s trying to make me happy. It feels like a win-win.”
REFLECTION: How do you see your mate differently as you highlight his or her positive attributes?
PROMPT: At least once a day
HABIT: Whisper and/or sign to your spouse your private code that says, “I love you.” This is a sign that you both create and is known only to the two of you. It is a sign that you love each other “truly, madly, deeply.”
PURPOSE: Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, authors of Building a Love That Lasts, have been researching happily married couples in forty-six countries over the course of three decades. They believe that small daily moments are the foundation for a healthy marriage. Saying “I love you” in a heartfelt way is one of their recommended daily activities. Letting your spouse know that he’s loved validates his place in your life. Also, when you express love daily, it helps keep your own heart open and flexible to the unexpected.
Having a secret sign (known only to the two of you) emphasizes intimacy and exclusivity. Whether it’s verbal or physical, it should be appropriate to use in public so it can be used frequently. Since “love” is a word that is often used freely to describe feelings toward children, parents, friends, and even your favorite foods or movies, a private sign brings a unique, heightened quality to the expression.
It was the morning of Dan’s surgery to remove a cancerous polyp. As you can imagine, it was a day fraught with many emotions. Dan was resting in a bed, already feeling relaxed from the initial sedative. I was doing my best to remain calm. As the cheerful anesthesiologist wheeled Dan to the operating room, they stopped at the “kissing corner” where I could say goodbye.
I might have thought of the others before me who stood at this corner sending their loved ones off to surgery with a kiss and a prayer for a positive outcome. I might have thought of the attendant, who must hear tearful “I love you’s” at this corner multiple times a day.
But at that moment, only Dan and our secret sign was on my mind. I leaned over to kiss him and shared our secret symbol of love and connection.
My eyes filled with tears as they wheeled him off, but I was extremely grateful that we had a private symbol of love known only to the two of us.
REFLECTION: How has your childhood experience of love influenced how you express love now as an adult? When you were growing up, was love freely expressed?
PROMPT: When your partner seems sad, stressed, or in need of an emotional pick-me-up
HABIT: Have a conversation with your spouse to help determine the magic words that make him or her feel the most loved and most valued. Once you know these individually tailored words that make your spouse’s heart sing, go to your beloved and whisper them.
PURPOSE: This habit takes the inside track into the body, mind, heart, and soul of your spouse. Just as you might know exactly what button to push to really hurt her deeply (a button you should not be pushing), you need to know and use the words that especially touch her heart. By knowing her vulnerabilities, her deepest fears and concerns, you can discover the words that will soothe like a magical elixir of comforting love.
Once you learn her special words, use them frequently. These loving, healing words are custom designed to resonate. The words you use can either reassure her of your love and your commitment, or support her in a way that reduces stress.
When you take on the commitment of marriage, you also agree to help your spouse in both good times and bad times. When you see that she is struggling in some way, you can ignore her or assist her. Choosing to help her restore balance to her emotional world is known as “co-regulation.” It is a common habit among happily married couples. When you use the magic words, you help your partner come to her calm center when she can’t quite get there on her own.
Magic words are specifically different and yet universally the same for everyone:
I have heard a man, whose mother died when he was young, respond to the words of his wife: “I am here for you, always.” I have seen a woman, whose alcoholic father ignored her, react to the words of her husband: “I treasure you beyond all the riches in the world.” I love helping couples find the words that will speak to their spouse, words that have a “zinger” quality in their power.
Sometimes finding the magic words can heal years of sorrow and pain. Reggie was a kind man who had grown up with the message that he was “no good.” He had been a mediocre student in school, had never gone to college, but had lived a decent life working for a construction company.
Reggie had spent fifteen years in a marriage in which his wife berated him for not making enough money and not being ambitious. Deep down he believed her when she said he was a “loser.” It was a message that was comfortably familiar even as it stripped him of his self-esteem.
When I introduced the idea of magic words to Reggie and his second wife, Tania, he knew what words he had always longed to hear: “Reggie, you are a fantastic husband and a wonderful man.” Fortunately, Tania believed this so it was easy for her to tell this to her husband on a regular basis.
Tania knew that when she used these poignant words, not only was she conveying a healing message, she was doing everything in her power to make Reggie feel special. She told me that as she did so, she could feel her heart expand to bursting. This habit is a win-win for both partners.
REFLECTION: How do you feel when you give your lover the gift of words that heal his heart and lift his spirit?