In one way or another, every marriage has an impact on the world. Your combined total is greater than the sum of your parts. Amid all the millions of people in the world, the two of you found each other, and you have a purpose in your union.
When you see yourself as being part of a larger whole, you recognize the import of your togetherness. Perhaps you came together to create and/or raise children, to help each other heal, and to bring out the best in each other. Perhaps your destiny is about completing a project together.
Or maybe, without realizing it, by your example you are touching lives. This was true for Ned, an eighty-year-old widower who described his beloved wife as the kindest, gentlest, most lovely soul on the planet. They were deeply in love for more than forty years.
“Almost all of my condolence cards mentioned how happy we had been, how we were a light of love in the community,” Ned said. “I didn’t even know that people knew we were so happy. I didn’t think it showed so much.”
It showed because love is like the light shining from a lighthouse, emitting hope and happiness to others around you.
The habits in this section are about the “something more” between you. These habits will help you honor and recognize the larger energy between you and your spouse, an energy that is not only sacred and profound, but also timeless.
PROMPT: When you make the bed in the morning (or as you leave the bed in the morning)
HABIT: Wave your hand over the bed and think about how you’re connected to your dear one. Say the words, “Beloved, may you be happy and healthy today. May you be safe from harm. I wish for you peace and happiness until you return for more rest.”
PURPOSE: This habit is based on the Buddhist meditation practice called Metta Bhavana. Metta is Pali for “loving kindness” and Bhavana means “cultivation of.” It’s a five-stage practice of wishing loving kindness toward the self, toward a dear one, toward a stranger, toward an “enemy,” and toward the world.
The neuroscientist Daniel Siegel, author of many books, including Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation, points out that an intentional habit such as mentally giving goodwill to others has the power to change the architecture of your brain. You can train your brain to be more loving. With the habit of wishing your spouse well in the morning, you actively create a positive mental state, which in turn leads to a more harmonious marriage.
I learn a lot from my clients. Some of what I learn is as mundane as restaurant recommendations, books to read, and hotels to frequent. But I also learn about human nature and the amazing struggles through which people triumph.
Michael came to see me when his wife was going through chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. He told me that he didn’t have many friends to talk to and that his family was far away. Susanna, his wife of nine years, was his primary confidante.
But how could he tell her that he didn’t find her attractive anymore without her hair, with her body wasting away? How could he tell her that he loved her beyond measure and that he was terrified of losing her? How could he tell her that he was exhausted by his caretaking duties and that he missed having her as a healthy wife?
Michael was brutally honest in our sessions. He found relief in being able to admit his unvarnished feelings—as if he was in a confessional. He now had a safe forum in which to reveal his struggles, one in which he was able to reflect on his deep and profound love for his wife.
He told me that almost every morning, while Susanna still slept, he tiptoed around the bed and stood beside her. He held his hand over her sleeping form and said the words, “I wish you good health and a long life with me.”
“What a wonderful thing to do,” I said. “That’s the kind of loving habit that you could continue even after she gets well.”
After a few months, when Susanna had finished her treatment, Michael and I ended our work together. About a year later, he sent me an e-mail to let me know that Susanna had just received a clean bill of health.
“One thing I still do,” he wrote, “is my morning blessing for Susanna—whether she’s in the bed or not. You were right—it helps me feel grateful for every day with her.”
REFLECTION: If you spend a moment wishing your dear one well, how might it affect the energy that you take into your day?
PROMPT: When you get into bed at night next to your beloved
HABIT: Touch your sweetheart on the arm and say, “Heavenly.”
PURPOSE: Appreciation and gratitude feed your relationship and heighten your experience of happiness in your marriage. At the end of the day (literally), it is a healthy habit to experience gratitude for the great blessing and simple pleasure of sleeping next to your beloved.
The practice of gratitude actually shapes the neural structure in your brain in a way that strengthens your ability to experience more gratitude. The brain’s capacity to change itself (neuroplasticity), means that when you intentionally exercise the gratitude area of your brain, it becomes stronger and more active. Likewise, when you stop using neurons of negativity, they eventually wither and weaken. Thus, going to sleep with gratitude for your spouse and the marital bed rather than bringing a mind full of worries to bed is a much better habit for your marriage and for your peace of mind.
Even if you happen to enter an empty bed, you can think it “heavenly” that you have a spouse whom you love and who will join you eventually. Let the habit of gratitude rest in your mind as you drift off to dreamland.
I am a native Texan, a girl who grew up thinking 50 degrees was freezing. After thirty years, I’m challenged by the northern climate. But when Dan gave me a heated mattress topper for Christmas one year, getting between the sheets became like sinking into a hot bath. It felt like heaven on earth.
When you let gratitude for your marriage sink into you, you’ll find that it’s habit-forming. The expression of gratitude is common to all happy marriages. As a nightly habit it not only puts you to sleep with a smile on your face, it also increases your capacity to bring gratitude into your daily communication with your spouse.
Isn’t it a blessing to get into bed next to the warm body of someone who loves you, who accepts you, who has committed to sharing his life with you? Isn’t it dreamy to lie next to someone who shows you every day that you matter to him? Isn’t it a wonder to spoon a soul who connects to yours, who daily chooses to be with you?
With “heavenly” on your lips, you can go down for your long winter’s nap, offering thanks for both the warm body and soul that graces your nights.
REFLECTION: Do you notice that you sleep better when you fill your mind with appreciation as you’re drifting off?
PROMPT: When some behavior or characteristic of your partner is causing you to feel annoyed
HABIT: Imagine bowing respectfully to your beloved, recognizing that she is your teacher. Identify the deeper lesson, take note, and breathe into it. Say to yourself, “I am learning about _____” (patience, gratitude, compassion, love, change, acceptance, kindness, generosity, forgiveness). Thank you for this lesson.”
PURPOSE: When you find yourself getting upset by something your partner does or doesn’t do, this tool invites you to look for a deeper lesson. Sometimes what you dislike in your spouse is a quality mirroring what you dislike in yourself (such as tardiness, selfishness). Other times, it’s a quality that you used to appreciate in your mate but is now causing you consternation (such as her spontaneity or devil-may-care attitude). Or perhaps your mate simply has a quality that you need to learn more about.
When you adopt the habit of treating your partner as your unlikely teacher, you will find life lessons open up to you every day.
Geraldine came to see me because she wanted to forgive her father, who had died five years previously, for being critical and abusive. However, in the course of our initial sessions, Geraldine spent most of the time complaining about her husband.
She told me that Marcus was irresponsible, flighty, and permissive. He never seemed to take things seriously, as if life were a big game. When I asked Geraldine what attracted her to Marcus some twelve years earlier, she said, “Oh, it was his easy-going, lighthearted manner. He was like a breath of fresh air.”
It’s not uncommon for the very things that attracted you to your mate to turn into the things that most annoy you. The lighthearted man is now irresponsible. The playful party girl is now a flirtatious woman who ignites your jealousy. The ambitious woman is now a workaholic. The generous man now gives his time and money away.
As I listened to Geraldine, I asked for a recent example of how Marcus’s easy-going attitude was affecting her negatively. “Well,” she said, “when we were trying to sell our house last year, he just wasn’t worried enough.”
“Wasn’t worried enough?” I asked, confused.
“He doesn’t get how serious things are financially. We were so close to going into foreclosure but he just shrugged his shoulders and kept saying, ‘It will be what it will be,’” she responded.
“Maybe he’s your teacher about how to be more relaxed, more at peace regardless of your circumstances,” I suggested.
Geraldine thought about that for a moment. I continued, “Ask yourself, what is Marcus teaching me … what can I learn from him? Do you really want his legacy to you to be that you learned to be more worried, more uptight, more stressed … or is there something more?”
She agreed to view Marcus as her teacher over the next few weeks. When she came back, she told me that she’d noticed from this perspective sometimes he really could help her be more lighthearted. She also noticed that sometimes the lesson seemed to be patience (learning how to not lose her cool when she found him annoying). Either way, by seeing him as her teacher, she began to relax in situations that ordinarily would cause her stress. Soon, she stopped complaining about her husband during counseling.
REFLECTION: In what ways are you a teacher for your spouse?
PROMPT: When you’re having dinner out, just the two of you
HABIT: Clink your glasses together (even if it’s just your water glasses) and toast to your relationship. Say, “To us” or “To our happy marriage.” For extra emphasis, link your arms together as you might have on your wedding day.
PURPOSE: Honoring your formal relationship is a habit that will help provide and strengthen the special space that only the two of you share. Charlotte Kasl writes in If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path about what she calls the “us” space. She describes the “us” space as a form of alchemy in which the mixing of two substances transforms into something new. “I” and “you” becomes “us.” This space needs to be regularly noticed, prioritized, and honored.
You might have offered a traditional pretzel-armed toast to your bride or groom on your wedding day, a special toast to the newly married “us” space, but how often since? Don’t let a private drink together pass without recognition of your special relationship and your precious marriage.
There is something about a happy marriage that is palpable, tangible. You can essentially experience the love in the air around a happy couple. I will often suggest to couples who see me for counseling that they play a game called “I spy a happy couple.” When in public, they watch couples around them and note which ones seem happy, identifying which characteristics reflect that happiness.
Usually my clients will report back things like, “Happy couples hold hands … or they make eye contact with each other … or they smile when they talk to each other … or they kiss on the street.” These, in fact, are characteristic habits of happily married couples, habits that keep individuals connected and energized.
My favorite happy couple story was reported back to me by my client Spencer.
“They were sitting next to me and Marjorie,” he said. “They looked really happy and then—yes, I admit it, I was eavesdropping—I actually overheard them toast to each other.” Spencer, who is very gregarious, said he leaned over to them and asked, “How many years have you been toasting to each other?”
The older gentleman responded enthusiastically, “We’ve been toasting to each other every time we dine out for the past fifty-five years. We’re lucky, don’t you think?” Lucky indeed. Of course, happy couples make their luck habit by habit, practiced regularly. Toast to your beloved and see how many years you begin to accumulate of happiness.
REFLECTION: What might happen in your life if you began to honor the us space on a regular basis?
PROMPT: When your mate is upset and you want to support or encourage her
HABIT: Stand behind your beloved and place your hand firmly on her upper back, right between the shoulder blades. Then gently lean into her ear and whisper the words “Dear One, I hear you and I am here for you.”
PURPOSE: John Gray, author of the classic Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, speaks and writes eloquently about gender differences. He advises men that when women share their problems, they just want to be heard (not have their problems fixed). For women, when they’re heard, the bonding hormone oxytocin is stimulated. Men may not have the same need to be listened to, but they do need to feel supported. They like to know that their mates stand beside them.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the wise and prolific Vietnamese Buddhist monk, suggests that the greatest gift we can ever give another is the gift of our full and undivided presence. He suggests using the phrase “Dear One, I am here for you” as a gift of love. Whispering these words adds an element of tenderness and intimacy.
Suzanne sat on my office couch with her hands crossed as if protecting her personal space. She said, “I just need a little support from you, that’s all.”
Hank looked dumbfounded. He shook his head. “But that’s what I’m trying to do.”
Tearfully, Suzanne replied, “Telling me that I work too much and should quit my job is not supporting me!”
Ah-ha. I started to get the sense that a common gender dynamic was taking place. Usually when women complain, they simply want to be heard. However, when women complain, men often want to fix the situation. They don’t realize that all that’s required of them is to listen, witness her feelings, and be a sympathetic presence.
If you’ve ever seen and heard a flock of geese flying in the air, you’ll know it’s one of nature’s wonders. In V formation, the geese fly together as a tight, interdependent unit, with loud honks. Interestingly, the honk is a sign of encouragement from one goose to another to keep flying and stay the course. The lead goose at the head of the V creates an air draft from which the others can benefit. They take turns being at the lead. The honk is the ultimate cheerleader sound, meaning “I am here for you; I’ve got your back.”
When Suzanne complained about her boss, her coworkers, or the stress of the day, she didn’t want a solution from Hank. If she did, she would have asked for his advice. Nor did she want to be redirected or shut down. The support she desired was simply for Hank to listen to her and acknowledge her struggles.
As we worked on this goal in the session, and as Hank came to realize that it was his simple listening presence that mattered most to Suzanne, he was able to provide emotional support. As Suzanne realized she was not alone with her burden, she began to visibly relax. In the end, all she needed to hear was an encouraging “honk.”
REFLECTION: How do you normally receive your partner’s distress? What is stirred for you if you sit quietly with her struggles?
PROMPT: When you want to capture a wonderful moment with your spouse
HABIT: Wink at your loved one as if the wink were the shutter of a camera. Then proceed to hold the beautiful moment in your heart for ten seconds. Expand it, stretching the feeling as if you’re pulling taffy. Let the moment sink into your being.
PURPOSE: With this habit, highlighted with a wink, you will be more able to savor your time as a couple. It is so easy for you to slog through the years, barely noticing what’s going on right in front of you. Then when the kids are grown or a life chapter ends, you wonder where the years went.
When you let each special moment foster the growth of love and intimacy in your marriage, you begin a rewiring process in your brain. Rick Hanson, author of the bestselling book Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, talks extensively about the concept of “taking in the good.” He claims that by consciously imprinting good experiences, (holding a good experience, expanding it, and mentally absorbing it into our bodies), we create new neural pathways of happiness.
This habit helps overcome our biological negativity bias: We are hard-wired to notice and remember things going wrong more than to notice things going right! However, by intentionally highlighting a pleasant moment and holding it in your awareness, positive neurons fire, thus wiring together, and bringing stronger traces of happiness into your implicit memory bank.
When Daniel and I first blended our family of five children and five pets, let’s just say it was not an overwhelming success. I remember consulting books for stepfamilies and feeling crestfallen at the prognosis that most stepfamilies could expect to spend up to seven years in conflict. I stopped reading those books.
I began to get a glimmer of why second marriages have higher divorce rates even than first marriages—it often has to do with children and stepchildren and the loyalty binds that exist.
During our second summer of seven people under one roof, we took the kids to a lake house on a local New Hampshire pond for our first family vacation. It was a miraculous turning point. We enjoyed kayaks, a lake, popsicles, and s’mores by the fire pit. To our amazement, not only did everyone participate, but they actually enjoyed themselves. A stepsister helped a stepbrother make brownies. There was swimming. There was laughter.
On the third night, we sat around the dining room table on a screened-in porch, listening to loon calls on a still lake. Two adults and five kids played Cranium Family Edition. I recognized in that moment that the vacation was an unbelievably significant success. We were acting like a “normal” family. We were playing a game designed for families. We were blending.
I made eye contact with Daniel and we both smiled. I had a feeling of connection with him, a sense that “our bond will not be broken” and “we can get through any situation as long as we’re together.” He winked at me as if to say, “Look at us. This is a wonderful moment.” And indeed it was.
REFLECTION: What beautiful moment today deserves a “wink” in your life?
PROMPT: When you are having morning coffee or tea together
HABIT: Touch your spouse’s arm and say, “I am so lucky to be married to you,” or “I’m lucky that I found you in this wide world,” or “I feel lucky to be spending my life with you.”
PURPOSE: Make it a habit to wake up every day to the wonder of your lives together. As you wake up your body, use this habit to wake up to the miracle of spending your life with this beloved person! Out of all the billions of people on this planet, this is whom you are making a life with. Notice. Wake up. Be grateful.
Happy couples make their luck and happy couples are aware of their luck as well. They saturate their lives with gratitude. They recognize that they have a good thing going. So even if you feel a little frustrated with your mate at times, know that there is still much to savor.
Stating out loud that you feel lucky can become a self-fulfilling proposition. When you say that you’re lucky, you start to feel lucky. When you feel lucky, you say so. Set this cycle of happiness in motion today so that you can treasure every precious moment.
And just like that, life changed. “It’s cancer,” the doctor told Daniel after a biopsy. I heard the news on a Friday and burst into tears. We were launched into a new world that included such scary things as a CT scan, a colonoscopy, surgery, an oncologist, and chemotherapy. I had a surreal sense of dissociation as if I were in a dream time warp.
But on that Friday when we heard the news, we sat on the precipice of the unknown. We didn’t know the actual prognosis, whether the CT scan would show a body riddled with cancer or just one cancerous polyp. So we decided to spend the day at the beach watching the waves and searching for sea glass. All we knew was that for the moment we had each other.
Sitting with Daniel in a café, I found myself wondering if I would be a widow anytime soon. I looked around at the couples casually sipping their lattes. Didn’t they know that this moment, this time over a coffee was precious? Didn’t they know that this moment was all we had?
I turned my attention to this man across from me, a man who was my husband in sickness and in health. I touched his hand and murmured that no matter what, I felt incredibly lucky to be his wife.
REFLECTION: How would your relationship change if your spouse only had a few months to live?
PROMPT: At least once a season, (use the solstice and equinox as reminders) when you have at least ten minutes to sit down quietly together
HABIT: Rate your current relationship on a scale of one to ten, with one being “I’m on the brink of divorce” to ten being “honeymoon heaven.” First, get your number in your head and then share it simultaneously with each other. Reflect on the numbers and discuss, if necessary, what you think is required to move the number higher. State what you are personally willing to do to help improve the number, not just what you wish your partner would do. Hold this brief discussion lovingly with a willingness to look at your own behaviors as well as your partner’s.
PURPOSE: Just as good businesses develop the habit of regular performance reviews, so too do happy marriages. When you are willing to look at “what is” and how to improve it, you knit yourselves closer together as a couple. It takes a certain amount of courage to engage each other in honest reflection and to voice what’s going right and what needs a little tweaking. Just the act of taking this review seriously will begin to increase your marital intimacy.
Your numbers are diagnostic of the health of your relationship. It’s important to understand how happy (or how unhappy) your spouse is. If your number is significantly higher than that of your spouse, ask him what you can do to help bring his number higher. As with any good diagnosis, once you know what you’re dealing with, you can start the treatment.
I’ve been using the “State of the Union” habit with couples for years to help them assess their relationship. I’m always amazed that most couples are within one number of each other. That said, the numbers tend to be on the medium to low side. The most common assessment I see in my practice is usually a five or a six. (They are in couples counseling, after all.)
One noteworthy exception stands out in my mind. A couple married for thirty-one years came to see me at the wife’s insistence. I asked them to do this “State of the Union” relationship assessment. To my surprise the husband held up an eight and the wife held up a one. It turns out she had brought him to session to tell him that she wanted a divorce.
As we explored her dissatisfaction in the relationship, she pointed out that they hadn’t had sex for years, they barely spoke, they never touched, and they weren’t kind to each other. Their children were long gone and there seemed no reason to continue living as roommates.
“We haven’t been above a five in my mind for at least twenty years,” she added. “Too bad we didn’t try to get help then.”
Unlike these two, couples who use this tool regularly can track the ups and downs of their relationship and of each other’s satisfaction in the marriage. Like early detection in health care, knowing the truth and intervening where necessary offers your marriage its best chance of good health and long-term survival.
REFLECTION: What price might you pay by staying “too busy” to assess the state of your union?
PROMPT: When your spouse seems irritable, or specifically says that he needs some time alone
HABIT: Suggest that your spouse take some time for himself for restoration. Agree on a time (thirty minutes, an hour) when you will reconvene.
PURPOSE: Everyone needs time to him- or herself, but for some people the need is greater. Typically men and introverts need lots of time alone to replenish and refuel. It’s nothing personal, just a natural need.
In a happy marriage, you should develop the habit of letting your spouse have the space he needs to be healthy and relaxed. All marriages require times of togetherness and times of space. It’s vital to the health of your marriage that you allow your spouse the undisturbed alone time that he needs. After his cave time, he’ll be more willing and able to connect with you.
John Gray points out in his book Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress that men especially require time alone to disengage and forget their problems. A stressful day lowers men’s testosterone levels, making them irritable, anxious, and tired. Private downtime raises their hormone levels, thus reducing their stress and enabling them to engage socially.
Marsha was a gregarious, fun-loving gal who worked from home in IT sales. She connected with people on the phone and on the Internet all day long, but by the time her beloved Zack came home from work, she was starved for real face-to-face connection. She eagerly and enthusiastically practiced the “Puppy Love” reunion hug habit (Habit 7). Then she was ready to hear all about Zack’s day and tell him about hers.
The problem was that Zack was extremely drained when he came home at night. As a pediatrician, he had spent the day dealing with crying infants, sick toddlers, anxious teens, and worried parents. When he arrived home, he wanted to sit in front of the news and zone out.
Marsha felt abandoned when Zack zoned out so quickly after coming home. Emotionally, she couldn’t understand his need for private time. Zack couldn’t understand Marsha’s need to chat. And so they couldn’t quite honor each other’s requirements in a respectful way. The end result was that no one got what they wanted.
Before they worked with me, Zack would come home exhausted but, not wanting to hurt Marsha’s feelings, would try to talk to her. However, he listened to her chatting only half heartedly. His cursory answers seemed to Marsha like rejection. Feeling misunderstood, he would get angry that she couldn’t empathize with his fatigue. They often went to bed mad at each other.
I suggested that Zack spend forty-five minutes completely alone when he returned from work (after the reunion hug, of course.) Then, after dinner, he would spend up to forty-five minutes alone with Marsha, giving her his undivided attention. In other words, they could both have their needs met, just not at the same time.
The next week, they both expressed delight with the arrangement. Zack had his private time to relax and unwind and Marsha was able to offer this gift freely because she knew that he’d be more able to connect with her afterward. Most important, they were no longer going to bed angry.
REFLECTION: Be open to the possibility that when you grant the needs of your spouse, she or he will be open to granting your needs as well.
PROMPT: Whenever you’re introducing your spouse to other people, or even when you’re around others and wish to refer to your spouse
HABIT: Own your connection to each other with a strong term of affection and make it public. Find the words that you’re comfortable with to emphasize your adoration: my best half, my beloved husband, my true love, my beautiful bride, my dear one, my cherished partner, etc.
PURPOSE: When you develop the habit of bestowing titles of endearment on your partner, several important things happen. First, you signal to others that you consider your relationship special. Second, you communicate to your dear one that she is, indeed, important and cherished by you. Last, you create a couples language that engenders solid feelings of connectedness and intimacy.
The words that you use with your spouse are happiness indicators in your marriage. Happy marriages tend to overflow into public expressions of your relationship: expressions of togetherness (terms of endearment), partnership (holding hands, praise, and compliments), and love (hugging and kissing). When you use strong terms of endearment with each other in public, you and your spouse strengthen your bond of trust, and show one another that you will be there through thick and thin.
It’s awkward enough to attend your own college reunions: the small talk, the comparisons, and the assortment of hazy memories. But, consider the awkwardness of attending your spouse’s college reunion.
That was how Stacey felt about going to Carl’s tenth. She said angrily, “It’s not like it was fun for me, if you know what I mean.”
Carl rolled his eyes upwards and said, “Here we go again …”
“What, specifically, was the problem?” I asked.
Stacey jumped in. “Every single time he introduced me, he would say … ‘and this is Stacey.’ Not once did he admit that I was his wife.” She looked down into her lap. “I could have been his sister, a friend … a hired escort—anyone.”
Carl snorted. “That’s not how it was. I just think labels are silly. Why should it matter?”
I explained to Carl that it did matter. Happy couples have the habit of prizing each other in public. Most important, it mattered to Stacey. That, in and of itself, should have been enough of a reason to motivate his behavior.
Stacey felt about as important as used chewing gum, but Carl remained unconvinced. He left my office stating that if she was that insecure, a silly label wouldn’t make any difference.
Stacey and Carl never returned to my office but if I were to make a guess, I’d say that Stacey was no longer Carl’s wife.
REFLECTION: Is there any reason not to proclaim to the world that you are in a committed relationship?
PROMPT: When you’re getting ready for bed
HABIT: Look yourself in the eye in a mirror and say the following phrases three times: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” Say it like a chant.
PURPOSE: These phrases are the core of the ancient Hawaiian Huna practice known as Ho’o pono pono. Traditionally it was considered a mental cleansing practice of reconciliation and restoration. Often performed by a priest or elder, the ritual consisted of repeating these phrases and symbolically letting go, followed by a feast.
The modern version of this practice is to repeat the phrases like a chant. The result is a healing experience that puts relationships right and facilitates self-love. When you make it a habit to say these words of love, forgiveness, and gratitude, you will feel cleansed.
In the book The Things You Would Have Said: The Chance to Say What You Always Wanted Them to Know, Jackie Hooper collects letters of ordinary people saying the things they wished they could have said to loved ones while they had the chance. The common themes in these letters are exactly the words of Ho’o pono pono. Say these words regularly and with intention and you will feel an emotional freedom. The result is that your marriage—and your well-being—will flourish.
Note: Keep a Post-it note on your mirror with the phrases so that you’ll remember to use the habit.
Although it might seem awkward or even pointless to repeat the set of Ho’o pono pono phrases, I have seen it work wonders. I have seen a husband having difficulty with an ex-wife use the phrases and watch the contentiousness between them dissolve. I have seen a woman who struggled with body image issues—to the point that she wasn’t comfortable having sex with her husband—learn to love herself and feel comfortable in her own skin.
However, my favorite Ho’o pono pono example is that of sixty-five-year-old Nancy. When Nancy came to see me, she was holding decades of guilt. In her forties, she had cheated on her husband of fifteen years. Even though they had both gone on to remarry happily, she couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive herself.
Cheating had gone against everything she’d ever believed. At the time, she had been in an emotionally cold marriage and so when she met Greg and fell in love, she didn’t know what to do. Greg had swept her off her feet, and soon she had discovered that she was capable of dark deceit. She was still plagued by the image of her first husband’s face when he discovered that she was having an affair.
I suggested to Nancy who typically avoided looking herself in the eye that she try the “Hawaiian Luau” habit.
Over the course of the next two months, Nancy was willing to be open to the process of change. Making eye contact with herself in the mirror, she repeated the words faithfully morning after morning, even when she didn’t believe they were true. “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” And over this time, her heart began to heal. She started to feel lighter, freer, released from a burden. She couldn’t really describe what shifted for her other than gaining a feeling that she deserved love.
That feeling translated to a deeper ability to connect with her current husband, Greg. Forgiveness of yourself translates to love of others. If you’ve ever struggled with self-acceptance and self-compassion, the time is now to make peace. Your marriage depends on it.
REFLECTION: Has there been a time in your life when you were overflowing with self-love?