open mike night at Kafka-fe, after band "2 Much" plays, 1991
Oh my God, I am so glad I got a chance to see you perform. Wow that was fun! That was just fun! Really fun! I got here right at the end, but I pretty much caught enough to understand your whole deal. Sorry the crowd was so small . . .
But they were all clapping. You really got a lot of applause. Did you have a lot of family and friends in the audience? It just seemed like everyone knew you or something. Oh, you work here too? I guess that internship at Bonwyck Gallery ended, huh? Well cool for you. At least the staff here is supportive. Well it seems that way at least. The way they clapped for you. I'm so glad I got a chance to see you perform! Wow that was fun! Really fun! Fun!
Look at you and your outfit. That is a super pair of pegged jeans. They're the trend right now, I know. Trends are so interesting to follow, especially someone cutting edge like you who's so hyper-attuned to the whole "Appearance Industry." The way you keep up with things, and spend your money on magazines. Like I know that for you, you need to be really good about skincare.
Unbelievable. Your singing voice is so different from your appearance. It's like when I close my eyes I would imagine the person singing was a sultry sexy vocalist from prewar Berlin, and then I open my eyes and there you are! Your big shiny American face!
I recognized some lines from our freshman year poetry workshop. Or at least the same emotions. You never let something go to waste, you. I love that about you.
So this is your band now. Cool, cool. "2 Much." Great name. Ambitious. Why not? Just go for it! I think there's a German band with the same name but whatever, you probably won't have to worry about copyright infringement. You're probably like not on the radar you know? I mean, your band is such a certain kind of band. With a specific niche sound. So you won't have to worry. And, anyway, now Sheila is studying entertainment law (she says she is so sorry she couldn't make it! She's having dinner with the CEO of Geffen Records tonight!) and she says it's almost worse for young songwriters to copyright their stuff because it scares off labels. So if I were you, I wouldn't bother at this point.
Sheila? Sheila's good, Sheila's good. Even though she's at the top of her class in law school, she still finds time for her crazy ideas. She is busy working on some cockamamie scheme: patenting this idea to put up racks for postcards outside of bathrooms in bars and clubs. It's so dumb and simple. I know! It's so retarded! Well anyway, she is begging me to help out, and she said she will give me "points" in the company if it ever goes anywhere. But I mean it's so dumb it's not gonna go anywhere.
So are you still with Carl from college? That is so sweet that you guys are trying to work things out. Long distance, right? Yeah. Sometimes those actually work! No really! Sometimes they really do! Sometimes! How fun! Really fun!
Are you sure you don't use some of the lyrics from your old poetry? I just remember this one line from when we had class together—it's so stuck in my head because it was the time you were so in love with Frank Spitz, our workshop teacher? Before you sort of flipped out for Sam instead? He was married, you were a student, and he was really moral about it . . . wow were you over the moon about him!
Of course I knew about that! Well, obviously you are over the whole thing because you don't even remember telling me! You told me at the anti-apartheid "Divest Now!" poetry reading. Me and like twelve others. You were pretty wasted. All that cheap white wine! You were so flushed with feeling for Professor Spitz. It was so screwed up. Not to like lessen your experience but I've heard that he is totally going out with a student now. Not like you and him where it was all flirtation and in your head. They are actually fucking and he's still married. To someone younger than us who is apparently totally gorgeous.
Oh! You know who it is? It's that stupid girl we used to see in Wollman Hall. The mopey one who kind of looks like you and Kate Moss's lovechild? Ugh—so obvious of Professor Spitz to go for the model. He's so Mr.-Affair-with-a-Student. Well, screw him! What a jerk. You know, it's probably good he wasn't into you. Everyone needs to go through that first broken heart experience, right? At least you landed Carl, huh?
I remember once—it was either before or after you met Carl—you made me hang out after the Take Back the Night March so you wouldn't seem so alone while you waited for the perfect time to cross paths with Professor Spitz when he walked to his Peugeot. And you gave him your sestinas? I remember you showed me that one with the repeated line: "I would roll in a thousand shared needles for you." That's the line I remember. And it's the chorus of that one last song you played just now, the sort of "grunge rock" one—what you are probably thinking is your single, right? Yeah, it's catchy, totally sounds like it would be played on the radio—like K-Rock or Q-103. Because grunge rock is definitely gonna be around for a while!
Oh my God, can I just say—your guitarist is SO HOT. I couldn't stop staring at him! He is so hot and just electric onstage. He is going to go places! Wow he really adds a lot to the band. Charisma, I guess. He is SO HOT. What's his name? Jacob Fountainhead. That's his real name? Really? You think it sounds contrived. No. Actually I think it's beautiful. You should be more positive about something like that. Appreciate the beauty around you, you know?
You know, sorry to interrupt you but I have to tell you your sound kind of reminds me of this other really obscure band, No Doubt? They're from Orange County in California and have a really big following there with skaters and young kids. Their music's sort of the same as yours, but less . . . I don't know . . . sad? But it's weird how similar you guys sound, and how similar your names sound, even. No Doubt. 2 Much. Wow, if one of you makes it the other is pretty much doomed. The music industry is so ruthless, right? But I'm sure something good will happen! I am so glad I got a chance to see you! It was so fun! Really really fun!
Wait. I have an idea. Do you have a demo? I'll be seeing Sheila tomorrow and could slide it to her. I mean you could do it too, since you know her, but maybe it'll seem less desperate if I do it. Oh great you do!
It's on what?
Your demo is on CASSETTE? It's not on CD? I can' believe you even still have a tape player! Hello, it's 1991! No way—you just bought it? Can I ask how much? Ouch, that's major buyer's regret. Tapes are—oh well, I guess you take your chances. Well, let's hold off on giving that to Sheila, until you get it in a modern format. I don't think A&R reps even play anything on tape anymore.
Um, can I just offer one bit of constructive criticism for your band? I think you really should update your clothes. I mean the pegged jeans thing and your hair is cool, but maybe it's time for you to start dressing, more, like, adult. More timeless. For instance, if anything, you gotta stop wearing like those rubber bands around your wrist. I know you think it's cool and sort of "punk" but why not just invest in a couple good pieces of jewelry, you know? You will be so much more respected by the Powers That Be. You know, some nice clean trousers and new, clean shirts. A few good elements to add to your sort of scrubby look. Just spiff it up a bit!
Oh my God, you'll appreciate this. I was hanging out in this club, on just some obscure night like a Tuesday and this strangely strong woman with steely eyes wearing a torn vintage dress named Courtney played. She did a whole long unannounced set of music from this weird new album coming out and then afterward I met her and we just kind of clicked. Oh you've heard of her? She's big? Oh I am so out of the loop. Then after the club at five in the morning, me, Court, and her boyfriend, Kurt, went and got matching tattoos. Little stars behind our ears. They were such a wild couple. So fun to be around . . . but Kurt was kind of sullen. So pure, though. Such an artist. Not trying so hard like so many people desperate for attention in the music biz these days.
To be honest I wanted to follow through this time on a group tattoo because of what happened to you and me with the whole Kermit the Frog on a jet ski tattoo thing in Daytona our sophomore year? I know I have told you this before, but I really truly did want to get the tattoo—but after I saw your butt cheek I just realized I couldn't do that to my body. I'm just such a lightweight when it comes to needles. I know you were drunk so it didn't hurt, and that makes me feel better about it.
Anyway, this time it was more discreet and Court and Kurt were both beside me, holding my hand through the pain. Really grounding. Like a family.
Did Greta come by? No? She said she was going to try to make the effort since, you know, you have been sort of caught up doing your thing. I guess someone just told her about your little indie rock band. I wonder who told her.
You guys should just try to reconnect I think.
No, of course it's her that has been standoffish. I didn't mean it that way. But she was making the effort to see you and you know how hard that is for her. Especially since she knows that you think she's narcissistic and everything.
I know. But you said that. I was just telling the truth. Come on. But you said—
Well anyway, I'm meeting up with her later if you want to join. What are you doing later? Oh yeah. I guess you have to clean up. Send steamed water through the cappuccino machines and wipe out the coffee thermoses and stuff. Wow I totally remember having to do that for my job after high school! It was better since I did it in Rome, but still. Funny how it comes back. I should totally write something about being a barista—the torture of it, the annoying caffeine-addicted customers asking for "half-caf double caf mochacchinos," ha ha! Now there's a good name for a band: the Baristas! Ha!
Oh my God that is the perfect name I need for this script I am working on for The Simpsons (yeah, I'm still there!) where Homer joins a totally typical "grunge" band! The Baristas is perfect!
Yeah, I'm still at The Simpsons. Pretty much paying my way. Yeah, I'm just freelancing as a producer now. It's just when they need me, though. I needed some time to work on my own stuff, and the executive producer said, "Hey, no problem, let's just give you the space you need," and so I'm just freelance now.
Me? Greta and I are going to Crish Crash, probably. Crish Crash? You know, the huge huge rave happening tonight. It's probably why there wasn't a crowd here—like everyone in the city under twenty-five is going. Tyler is meeting me. He is scouting for more models for his photo series. It's so great how Tyler has the confidence he needs to experiment and be free as an artist. I know you sort of have contempt for institutions, but RISD was good to him.
No I mean you said that once. Like when you didn't get in. Whatever.
They love his theories about how his mundane life is art and his off-center pictures of his messy bathroom and dirty dishes are kind of "anti-compositions." Actually a few galleries are interested, including Bonwyck! He's been taking photos of me and a bunch of us just sitting around in unmade beds, listening to CDs, cutting our toenails. Crish Crash. You didn't hear about it? Weird. Yeah, you kind of have to know how to find it. And sort of know the right way to ask. Wait. Here's the address. If someone stops you at the door just act like you know someone—that's what a lot of people who show up uninvited do.
Maybe I'll see you there.
