SUSPICION
Monday is a comp day
we have no school
so I can stay home
all day indoors
and do mindless stuff—
check the Shōnan Gray spreadsheet
help Cora choose the best photos
for our first set of clear folders
search prices for printing
and help Cora design a logo
I don’t leave the house
until I get into the car
for the ride to English group
at English group
we share updates on our projects
divide into olders and youngers
and study more about business
and I report
and participate
but all afternoon
I’m half listening
just saying words
acting fine
but I’m not
because I suspect
Shunta and Gō
and all of han six
have a fight
in mind
on Tuesday
han six is watching me
my every twitch or squirm
my every mark in every workbook
my every stroke in every kanji
now Ōshima-sensei
is also watching han six
at last
but when Ōshima-sensei
leaves the room
Shunta leans close
grabs my shirt, says
what’d you tell him?
I don’t answer
I don’t defend myself
I don’t even say
that I didn’t say anything
because I know
it doesn’t matter
all that ever matters
is what Shunta thinks
after school I ask my tutor Yūsuke
if he ever got into fights
and how he saved himself
but he dodges the question
then says mostly he got beat up
because he did stupid things
to kids who could fight well
like trip them or throw rocks
after he leaves
I fill two large
plastic bottles
with water
and up in my room
after push-ups
and sit-ups
and aikido exercises
I lift those bottles
like barbells
while holding firm
my center