BREATH
on Wednesday
Shunta and Gō
with the rest of han six
tell me at lunchtime
meet us after school
at the gate to
Dragon’s Mouth Temple
I tell them I watch Cora
on Wednesdays
they shrug, say
you better be there
I tell Ken and Shō
and they walk
on either side of me
to the after-school center
don’t meet them they say
keep away from them they say
that’s the best way
then they leave for juku
and I wonder if
what they say is true
or if hiding will just make
everything worse
I find Cora in the garden
decorating dango
and this time I don’t rush her
I let her take all the time she needs
to adorn her mud balls
finally she’s the one
who’s first to say I’m ready
she’s the one
who twice repeats
come on, J, let’s go
and I almost argue
almost start making
my own dango
with decorations
of grass and leaves
and flowers
just to stall
but I take a deep breath
sign her out from the center
and we put on our shoes
when we slide back the door
we see them waiting
Shunta, Gō, Naho, Yuki
and no Mika
but Yōhei
Gō says
we thought you might be thinking
of trying to escape
Cora eyes me, eyes them
pulls on my arm
says in English
let’s go back inside
but I say quietly
we have to go along
just for a bit
then we’ll get away
have an adventure
and Cora says
I don’t care about an adventure
I want to go home
but we don’t go home
we walk down the road
past the school
Cora by my side
Shunta and Gō in front
Naho, Yuki
and Yōhei
trailing behind
Shunta and Gō are arguing
and I’m keeping an eye out
for some hero to come along
or some distraction to appear
as they lead us toward
Dragon’s Mouth Temple
by the curve in the streetcar tracks
but no handy heroes arrive
and we all step through the first gate
between guardian deva kings
with their bulging glass eyes
ready to do battle
against evil
we climb stone steps
to the second gate
cross the temple grounds
climb more steps and cut left
at the incense urn
we edge the huge main hall
and climb rear stone stairs
to the sub-shrine with the guardian deity
that also has something to do with a dragon
but I can’t remember what
we hike through woods to the place
where there’s a break in the chain-link fence
along the temple land boundary
and Cora grips my hand tight
as I help her through the gap
we follow the narrow path
that leads to a small park where
Cora used to play with her preschool—
and we walk until Shunta
stops, says here
here what? I say
here’s where we do it
do what? I ask
and Shunta smirks
play
it’s fun
but first
send your sister away
Cora grabs my arm
she can stay I say
she likes fun
no Shunta says
no little kids
I say let me talk to her
thinking of aikido
calm and action
as one
Cora starts to whine
and I switch to English
say listen to me and do exactly
what I tell you to do
and even though the others can’t
understand most of my words
I know they know the word “help”
and I know they’re watching
my every move so I tell her
you have to go now
but let’s do some
multiplication first
multiplication? she says
are you crazy?
no, I’m serious I say
I’ll pretend I’m mad at you
and you have to pretend
you’re mad at me, got it?
I’m raising my voice now
and finally
Cora’s listening
and it’s simple
but I can’t think of anything else
so I speak in English like I’m mad
just answer: what’s 3 × 3?
nine! she says and stomps like she’s furious
but it’s a stomp I know as acting
what’s 10 × 10 – 99? I say
she sneers and says one!
then before I can say another problem
she says so, what’s 7 × 1 ÷ 7?
one! I say and add
now get out of here!
she spins around and over her shoulder
hollers in English I hate you, Jason Parker!
then calls me and the others
all the Japanese curse words she knows
and runs off through the break in the fence
and into the woods
out of sight
whether she gets help
or not
it’s better
without her
I’m not distracted
I’m centered
and focused
ready to fight
ten million men
but Shunta laughs
on seeing my ready posture
says no, we have something
more interesting planned
so we can welcome you
into the group
Yōhei says a few words to Shunta
trying to get him to give it up
that you don’t make someone play it
that it’s everyone’s choice to do it
whatever “it” is
but Shunta yells at Yōhei
and Gō suddenly smacks him
and Yōhei is so unprepared
he stumbles partway down
an embankment
into a tree
and in that moment
when Yōhei is smacked
I’ve lost my focus
and my center
and Shunta
tries to
shove me
I catch his arm
and manage a wrist lock
turn him
yank him off balance
and now he’s mad
but it’s rough, uneven ground
sloping off on both sides
so I can’t find my footing
to center myself
and Shunta then hurls
all his weight at me
and I fall back
soon he’s kneeling
on my chest
and I’m trying to fight him off
but he’s yelling at me
and hitting me
and I’m fighting
and struggling
and he’s heavy
on my chest
then Gō
is helping him hold me down
and Shunta says
do it
not if he doesn’t want to! Gō says
do it! Shunta orders
and Gō reaches for my neck
not strangling but
pressing on the sides
and Shunta kneels
harder on my chest
while pinning my arms
until I have no fight
and no breath
and the sound of the grove
and of Yōhei yelling
and Naho … crying?
and the twigs snapping
and bamboo grass
slipping
beneath me
disappear