“Do we have to do anything for Thanksgiving this year?” Tyler grumbled as he sank into the backseat of his dad’s car.
“Yes, it will be good for us to spend time with family,” Josh replied.
“Fine,” Tyler huffed.
Liz was silent during their exchange. She pulled her shawl tighter around her body and leaned heavily against the door. Her forehead pressed against the glass and bounced away anytime the road was too rough. She would wait for things to smooth out and then she would let her head rest against the glass once more.
“I’m not surprised that we aren’t having anything at the house, but that’s usually what we do. Aunt Stephanie comes over. Gramma and Papa, Memaw and Gramps, Uncle Aaron, and his wife. I guess I don’t understand how we aren’t up to all the cooking and hosting, but we can drive all over the state and visit multiple houses in one day. Are we even going to get any hot food? By the time we get from one place to the next everything will be cold,” Tyler complained.
“Enough!” Liz screeched.
Josh’s knuckles were turning white from his grip on the steering wheel. Blowing out a slow, purposeful breath, he peeled his fingers off the wheel one at a time and then wiggled them all.
“Thank you,” he spoke softly to Liz.
She nodded her head and settled once more against the window. Josh reached for the radio dial and turned up the volume. Cruise by Florida Georgia Line thumped through the speakers and Josh tapped his fingers to the beat.
The first stop of the day came forty-five minutes later as they pulled into Liz’s brother’s driveway.
“It’s too early for the food to be ready here,” Tyler grumbled.
“Tyler, I said enough was enough at the beginning of the trip. I meant it. Let’s go inside and be sociable.”
“Whatever.”
Josh grabbed a pie from the trunk of the car and followed Tyler and Liz to the front door. Before Liz could knock, the door opened, and she was wrapped up in a welcoming hug.
“I haven’t seen you since the funeral. I am so glad you are here,” Aaron said.
A head taller than her, but nearly her twin in facial structure, Aaron had always been enthusiastic and upbeat. Liz couldn’t always match his energy, although she usually appreciated it. This day, however, she was caught off guard by both his comment and his exuberance. She pulled away from his hug and stepped around him. Although his house was on the small side, it had a cozy feel, like love filled the place from wall to wall. His wife, just a bit shorter than Liz, came up, wiping her hands on her apron.
“Hey Liz. I’m glad you and the family came out today.”
“Thank you, Holly,” Liz replied.
Aaron took the pie from Josh and gave Tyler a fist bump. His bright smile took up nearly his whole face and it was incredibly infectious. Soon Josh and Tyler were grinning from ear to ear.
“Hey Tyler,” Aaron called out from the kitchen.
“What’s up Uncle Aaron?”
“Aunt Holly is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. I was tired of hearing about it so last night I packed up my stuff and right.”
Tyler laughed aloud, saying, “Dad jokes aplenty around here.”
“How do you know when a joke has become a dad joke?” Holly asked.
“When?” Tyler replied.
“When it becomes apparent.”
Josh and Tyler laughed aloud.
Liz watched everyone from the entrance to the kitchen, where she leaned herself against the wide door frame. The jokes drew Josh and Tyler in, and it wasn’t long before she quietly slipped away and let herself into the guest room. She pulled the covers back and slipped into the bed, falling asleep easily as her family laughed together just down the hall.
Aaron poured Josh a hot cup of coffee and offered him and Tyler a cinnamon roll. He checked the living room for Liz, but when he didn’t spot her, he returned to the kitchen to help Holly with the cooking.
“How are things going since…” Aaron’s question to Josh trailed off.
“Since Colby committed suicide?” Tyler finished his sentence. “It’s not like we forget that it happened, or like it’s a secret. You can actually finish the sentence. We aren’t going to break and it’s not like you’re speaking ill of the dead by asking.” He shoved his chair back from the table and walked out of the kitchen. He slammed the front door shut behind him as he set out to walk around the neighborhood.
“About that well.” Josh gestured with his hand. “Tyler seems fine one minute and not the next. He really holds it together around his mom but as soon as she’s gone, he’s touch-and-go. Liz is angry. She wasn’t at first. At first, she was just distant, maybe disconnected. Now she’s angry, all the time. She blows up when I least expect it.”
“Of course, she’s angry. Her son committed suicide. She would probably give anything to be able to go back and let him know he was loved and not alone. You seem to be handling it pretty well, though.”
“I have my moments. I actually started seeing a therapist the week I went back to work.”
“You think that’s actually going to help?” Aaron scoffed. Holly elbowed him in the side.
“Is Liz seeing a therapist?” she asked.
“No, she’s not.”
“If counseling is going to be the magic solution to this problem then why aren’t you seeing a therapist together?” Aaron asked.
“Because she won’t hear of it.”
“Counseling is for—”
“Aaron!” Holly spoke sharply. “That’s enough.”
He grumbled something under his breath and glanced sideways at Josh.
“It’s good you’ve started counseling. Maybe Liz will come around,” Holly said.
“Yeah, right,” Aaron said. Catching the glare from his wife, he left the kitchen.
“Don’t mind him,” Holly said.
“What is with him and Liz and hating therapy? It’s ridiculous.”
“I think it has to do with how they were raised.”
“That’s no excuse. They make their own decisions now.”
“I can’t imagine how hard all of this is for each of you, Josh. Try to hang in there.”
It wasn’t long before Aaron came back into the kitchen. He didn’t say anything to his wife or his brother-in-law. He just picked up where he left off and started chopping things for Holly again. The smell of fresh onion overpowered most other smells in the kitchen and made Josh’s eyes burn. Holly opened the oven and basted the turkey thoroughly.
Tyler was right, however, in order to make the rounds from house to house, they would need to leave Aaron and Holly’s in less than an hour and then they would leave Gramps and Memaw’s before the meal was served, but by the time they reached Gramma and Papa’s house, the food there would be cold.
Josh considered the conversation he had with his mom earlier in the week and wondered if there would even be traditional Thanksgiving food. She talked like they weren’t going to cook anything special. He started counting past Thanksgivings on his fingers, concluding that for the past nine years, Thanksgiving had been at his and Liz’s house. There wasn’t any of this three-separate-houses, three-separate-meals business. They all came mid-morning and Aaron made everyone hot cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Liz and Holly worked together for hours while he and Aaron traded off dish duty to help their wives.
“I want things to go back to normal,” Josh muttered.
“What even is normal, Josh?” Liz snapped from behind him.
She went out the front door much quieter than Tyler did. Finding Tyler sitting alone, near the mailbox, surprised her.
“May I?” She gestured to the curb beside Tyler.
“Yeah, of course.” He patted the concrete.
“Apparently Dad wants things to go back to normal.”
“So do I.”
“We will never have normal again,” Liz said through gritted teeth. “Never.”
Pushing herself up off the curb, she walked away from him and wandered down the street of her brother’s neighborhood. Nearly every house was abuzz with activity. People arrived in a variety of cars. Kids played in the different yards. One family could be heard in their backyard and it smelled as though they were cooking out. Liz imagined what it would be like to be a mom in one of these seemingly perfect families, ones where she wasn’t having to face Thanksgiving without Colby.
Thanksgiving was always your favorite, Colby. You liked the frog-eye salad and the deviled eggs. You made turkey sandwiches for days after. Do you remember asking me if I would make an extra turkey just for sandwich meat? I think you were in the sixth or seventh grade that year. You liked helping me plan the menu and write out the shopping list. You liked helping in the kitchen, but Holly and I always ran you out. I’m sorry we did that. I wish I would have let you help us cook. Maybe you would have been looking forward to Thanksgiving and you would still be here.
When Liz made it back to her brother’s house, Tyler was nowhere to be seen. Liz made her way to the front door and let herself quietly inside. Josh was putting his shoes on and he and Tyler were thanking Holly and Aaron for their kindness.
“I thought we were going to have to come looking for you. We need to get on the road to make it to Gramps and Memaw’s,” Josh said to Liz.
“Fine,” Liz said. She stepped around Josh and walked into the kitchen. Aaron came over and hugged her for a long time.
“You’re going to figure your way through this,” he whispered. “Just don’t give up. Make sure you’re taking the time to take care of yourself. Walk. Read. Take a hot bath. Whatever you need. Just know that I know you are strong, and you can get through anything.”
Liz’s hands balled up and she pulled away from Aaron. Pressing her lips tight together, she clenched her jaw. Holly wrapped Liz up in a second hug, with the hopes of diffusing some of the anger she saw in Liz’s expression. Instead, it was awkward, and Liz pulled away, leaving without saying anything else.
The drive to Liz’s parents’ home was quiet. Tyler laid off the whining from earlier and Liz rode with her eyes closed, propped against the door, and resting her head on the window. Josh spent the entire hour trying to decide whether he should turn up the radio. By the time they arrived, he hadn’t actually come to a decision, but the trip was over, and he hadn’t turned up the music. Not deciding is a decision of sorts. If Tyler and Liz wanted to clam up, he would listen to the radio on the way to his parents’ house next.
Memaw met them at the door. Tyler was leading the charge and was therefore the first one wrapped into her big, welcoming hug. Josh was next and he tried to warn her that Liz was in a mood. His warning either didn’t reach her ears or she didn’t care, because Liz was the next in line and also got a big hug.
“It’s a shame Stephanie didn’t ride out with you; I would have loved to have seen her,” Memaw commented as the trio removed their shoes.
“I think she needed some downtime, Memaw,” Josh said. “She’s been helping Liz and me a lot lately.”
“Which she doesn’t have to do,” Liz added.
“Sure, she does. Someone must make sure you boys are eating hot meals and that the house is taken care of. Josh said ya haven’t been up to doin’ much since Colby died and all. I know we haven’t been down since the funeral, but if it would help ya out, I’d be happy to come down and stay for a bit.”
“No, no, I wouldn’t want to put you out any. We’re fine.” Liz glared at Josh.
“We’re just adjusting,” Josh added.
“Adjusting.” Tyler rolled his eyes.
“Well, anyhow, if ya change your mind, just holler,” Memaw said.
They followed her through the open entry and living room. At the dining area, she pointed to a chair at the end of the table.
“Thought ya might like to include him in the meal,” Memaw said.
Sitting on the chair was a giant, framed picture of Colby, with a poem etched into the glass.
Holidays in heaven,
What do they do,
They come down to earth,
To share them with you,
So save them a spot,
Just one empty chair,
You may not see them,
But they will be there.
Liz stared in horror. Tyler pointed a finger at the picture.
“That’s a nice addition to the meal,” he said.
“It was kind of you to include him Memaw,” Josh said.
“That is not him, Mom. That is not Colby. You...” She turned her narrowed gaze on her mother. “...you should have asked first!”
Liz was back out the front door in an instant, and Josh barely managed to prevent it from slamming.
“She’s not really been herself lately.”
“That’s an understatement,” Tyler muttered.
“Is that girl of mine acting like she’s the only one with a bit of trouble these days?” Gramps asked from his recliner. His eyes never left the football game streaming live and loud across the television.
“It’s not just a bit of trouble,” Memaw said loudly.
“Do you think he’s really hard of hearing?” Tyler whispered to Josh.
“No, not really,” Josh admitted under his breath.
This caused the teen to laugh aloud, which in turn caught Memaw’s attention.
“What’s so funny boy?”
“Nothing Memaw, nothing at all,” Tyler replied.
“I know you’ve got more places to be. How long are you stayin’ here?” Memaw asked Josh.
The front door eased open and Liz slipped in, shutting it more gently than when she left.
“Memaw just asked how long we are staying,” Josh told Liz.
“Just an hour or so Mom, maybe a little less,” Liz told her.
Memaw beckoned for Liz to follow her to the kitchen. She began filling plates with finger foods—deviled eggs, pickles, cheese, crackers, and pinwheels. She made a plate for each of them and then poured them each a large glass of cold, sweet tea. Liz helped her carry everything to the living room, where Josh and Tyler had joined Gramps in watching football.
“Food’s ready now?” Gramps asked incredulously.
“No, it ain’t,” Memaw answered. “They’re just going to leave before it is. Figure they’ve all got to be pretty hungry.”
“Where’s mine?” Gramps asked.
Memaw grumbled all the way back to the kitchen, but she fixed him a plate and brought it to him with a big glass of the same cold, sweet tea.
Liz settled to the floor, holding her plate with one hand. She pushed the different items around, taking only a single bite off one of the pinwheels on her plate. The familiar, tangy flavor of the green olives and chili peppers mixed into the cream cheese made her smile for a moment. Tyler happily plopped bite after bite into his mouth but his eyes hardly left the game. Josh and Gramps paced themselves more carefully, but it wasn’t long before the guys’ plates were all empty.
“We’re going to have to get going,” Liz told Josh.
She gathered everyone’s plates. When Tyler saw that most of her food remained, he offered to eat it, so nothing was wasted. She let him have her plate and she carried the others to the kitchen. After rinsing them at the sink, she walked over to her mom, who was mixing up some sort of dressing.
“We’re going to have to head out,” Liz said.
“I know it. Listen, Lizzie-girl, I’m real sorry I upset ya. I’ve been reading about grief and suicide and death and how to be supportive. It seems like everyone is adamant that silence about the person is the most painful. Like, people get rigid and nervous and never mention the name of the deceased and it makes the people in the very center of the grief feel like the world is erasing someone that meant the world to them.”
“Mom, it’s—”
“Don’t say it’s okay, ’cause it ain’t. I’m just sorry. I wasn’t tryin’ to hurt ya. I don’t know if ya want us to reminisce about Colby or never mention his name or what. But no matter what ya want or don’t want, I never wanted to hurt ya or upset ya, ya hear?”
“I hear you Mom.”
The two women embraced, and the familiar tears dampened Liz’s eyelashes before spilling down her cheeks.
“I love ya Lizzie-girl. Ya take care of yourself, alright?”
“Yes Momma. I love you too.”
They no sooner got in the car to travel to Josh’s parents and Tyler started in about the picture of Colby.
“Did you see that thing? It’s not like a picture actually brings him to dinner all of a sudden, what was Memaw thinking?”
“Tyler,” Liz warned.
“No, seriously. Everyone is acting weird everywhere. School, family, this messed up holiday. I am kind of with Dad on the life getting back to normal. We don’t have to talk about my dead brother at every turn and people can quit babying us like we might break after this.”
“Tyler,” Liz warned again.
“You mean to tell me you wanted some giant picture of Colby sitting at that table?” Tyler challenged.
“It’s better than pretending he didn’t exist or like our lives haven’t been turned upside down,” Liz said.
“Life isn’t upside down Mom. Colby’s gone, and it sucks, but it’s done. Can we just move on from it? No, we can’t because no one will let us.”
“Tyler.” This time it was Josh’s stern voice. “That’s enough.”
“So, you can want life to return to normal and go off to work and act like it’s business as usual, but I can’t talk about wanting the same thing? Because it’s not business as usual. Not at home, not at school, nowhere I turn. Everyone looks at me out of the corners of their eyes and they whisper, and then everyone wants to know if I’m okay like I might be the next one found that way. I’m tired of it. It’s been almost three months, Dad. I just want out from under it.”
“You don’t just get out from under someone dying,” Josh said.
Tears rolled down Liz’s face and her hands trembled.
“It’s not like it was a random accident. He chose this and now we have to live with it. Well I don’t want to live with some dark cloud over my head because my brother chose to take his own life. That’s not fair.”
“Tyler,” Liz whispered, “it’s not a choice like that. He thought there was no other choice.”
“He thought he was doing us a favor by relieving us from the burden of him,” Josh added.
“Why don’t you say what you’re really thinking?” Tyler asked.
“What do you mean?” Josh asked.
“That this is all my fault. If I had been at home this wouldn’t have happened.” Tyler’s voice grew frantic. “If I hadn’t snuck off to that party this wouldn’t have happened. If I had been at home doing my homework, writing that stupid English paper, Colby wouldn’t have been alone and we wouldn’t be stuck living with this nightmare!”
Tyler’s arm collided with the door panel to his right as despair boiled to the surface and broke out. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks and he heaved broken, staggering breaths.
Liz’s hands shot up to cover her face and sobs racked her thin frame. In stunned silence, Josh watched for somewhere to pull the car over. He knew the parking area for the lake was coming up and he was praying it would be empty on this Thanksgiving Day. They all needed to escape the confines of the car and breathe. He navigated the car smoothly into the empty parking lot and silently thanked God that they could be alone, together.
“We aren’t going to Gramma and Papa’s today. We are going to stay here for a little while, in the quiet, and then we will go home and rest. This has been a hard day. We’ve never had Thanksgiving without Colby. We probably shouldn’t have ever left the house,” Josh said.
Tyler opened his door and hopped out, halfway slamming it behind him and stomping away from the car with quick, heavy steps. Liz lifted her head from her hands and watched Tyler walking away.
“Did you know he was at a party that day?” she asked.
“I had no idea,” Josh admitted.
“He thinks this is all his fault. I wonder if his counselor even knows. I haven’t been taking care of him like I should have since we lost Colby.” A fresh wave of tears spilled from Liz’s eyes. “I have to do more to make sure he pulls through this.”
“I don’t know that you can. I think he needs to keep seeing his counselor and we have to figure out how to all talk to each other. None of us are talking right now, and I think it’s destroying our family.”
“Because there is an elephant in the room. We lost our son to suicide but how are we supposed to talk about the worst thing that ever happened to us?”
“Like this. Honestly and openly Liz. We lost our son to suicide.” Josh reached across the car for her, putting his arm around her shoulders. “We have to say it out loud. Avoiding saying it doesn’t make it not true. It makes us alone in the pain.”
“I’m drowning, Josh.” Liz leaned into him and her tears wet his shirt.
“Oh love.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m here.”
She rested against the steadiness of his arm, his even breaths in and out reassuring her.
“Tyler. We should go to Tyler. He needs us.”
“Okay.”
Releasing Liz from his arms, he pushed open the door on his side of the car. Pushing her door open as he walked around, she reached for his hand when he offered it. Hand in hand they followed the same direction Tyler took off. The absence of words between them was peaceful this time, unlike the past days and weeks. Their footsteps mixed with the sound of the lake lapping at the shore, birds flittering between tree branches and fighting over the little bits and seeds they found. The air around them was cool but not uncomfortable. They both watched for Tyler as they walked down toward the water and then along the edge where water met land.
“Tyler?” Josh called out.
A moment of no reply caused Liz’s heart to beat faster and she tightened her grip on Josh’s hand.
“Tyler?” Josh called again.
“Over here,” he finally responded. He stood up so they could see him.
Josh led the way as they walked to Tyler. He had found a picnic table on the top of an incline. From that vantage point they could see more of the lake and shoreline. It was a splendid view.
“Colby’s death wasn’t your fault,” Josh said.
“I should have been there.”
“I should have made him come to the store or I should have stayed home. Looking back, we can see all the things we missed at the time. It’s still not your fault,” Liz said.
Josh stood in front of his son and reached across the gap between them. Placing his hands on Tyler’s shoulders, he dipped his head to see his eyes.
“You loved your brother and you looked out for him in many ways. While I stand by what I said in the car that this wasn’t a choice like we think of choices, I do think he chose the timing. He knew when he would be alone. He’s probably the only one in the world that knew you were at that party, aside from your friends that were there.”
“Yeah, he knew Dad. I asked him to come with me,” Tyler admitted.
“And he didn’t. Mom asked him to come to the store and he didn’t. He knew I wasn’t going to be home for a while, too.”
“None of that makes the sickness in my stomach go away. None of that makes any of this better.”
“I don’t think anything is supposed to make this better, son. I think we just learn how to carry it.”