“Liz?” Josh stood behind her and rubbed his hands up and down her robed arms.
“Hmm?” She sat alone at the table and stared out the window overlooking the front lawn.
“We have an early departure tomorrow. Do you think we should pack now that I’m home from work?”
“Mmm.” She blinked her eyes, but the rest of her body remained still.
Josh pulled out a chair and scooted it over beside her. He sat down facing her and pulled her hand into his. While she didn’t resist, her lack of reaction gave Josh pause to consider the situation.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I guess,” she muttered between barely parted lips.
“Are you having second thoughts about our vacation?”
No response.
“Liz? You have to talk to me.”
Her eyes blinked but the rest of her remained frozen.
Josh pulled his cell from his pocket.
“I’m going to call Stephanie and see if she talked to you today. When was the last time you talked to your therapist?”
“Last week,” Liz muttered.
“Did she suggest you start any medicine? Are you sick?” Josh asked. His heart thumped harder and faster in his chest.
“No,” came Liz’s dull reply.
Josh pulled up Stephanie’s number and called her. “Hey. Have you talked to Liz today?”
“No, I figured she was packing. I’ve been working on my packing and cleaning all day. I want the house to be in good order when I get home.”
“Makes sense. It doesn’t look like she’s done any packing.” Josh stood up from the chair and gave Liz’s shoulder a loving squeeze and then he walked down the hallway to their bedroom.
“Is she okay?” Stephanie asked, her voice heightened with concern.
“I don’t know. Do you know if she’s taking any medicine?” Josh asked.
“Shouldn’t you know that?”
“Well, I would think so. But she didn’t even tell me she started seeing a therapist until after it happened. She’s just sitting in the chair at the table, staring outside. She’s only slightly responsive. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know if I should call 9-1-1 or if she just needs a minute.”
“Do you think it’s depression?”
“Does depression make people sit still as a statue and stop responding?”
“It kind of can. Do you think she’s up for this trip?”
“I have no idea!” Josh’s voice broke. “That’s why I’m calling you.”
“I’m on my way over. Just sit with her. Make yourself something to eat. Is Tyler home?”
“His car wasn’t in the driveway when I pulled in.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Thank you,” Josh said. He heaved a deep sigh and shoved his phone back into his pocket.
He tried to make small talk from the kitchen as he cut up some vegetables for a salad. He warmed up some left-over chicken and cut up a boiled egg. He slathered the plate of lettuce, vegetables, and protein with Ranch dressing. He sat in the chair he’d moved over beside Liz. He glanced at her from time to time, but her still frame was unnerving to him. “When Tyler makes it home, I’m going to have him finish packing. I had him start yesterday.”
Josh washed down a bite of salad with a drink of cold, sweet tea. “Stephanie is going to come help us get our packing done. Are you still excited about going?”
“Colby should be going with us,” Liz said solemnly.
“Of course, he should but it’s just not possible,” Josh said. “We don’t have to miss out on our own lives because we are missing him.”
“What if I want to miss out?”
“How does that make sense?” Josh asked.
The front door pushed open right as Liz whipped her head to the side to stare at Josh.
“Does it have to make sense?” she hissed.
“Hey guys!” Stephanie kicked the door closed behind her. “I brought cookies and muffins.” She set a box of baked goods on the table.
“Thanks,” Josh said, his eyes wide from Liz’s hateful tone.
“Anybody else excited to see the beautiful Colorado mountains tomorrow? I’m over the moon,” Stephanie said with enthusiasm.
“I’m excited. Tyler was pretty thrilled this morning before school. How about you Liz?” Josh asked.
“I don’t want to go.” She shoved her chair back with enough force that she almost knocked it over. She turned and headed down the hallway. Josh stood up to follow her, but Stephanie waved him off. “I’ll go,” she whispered.
Josh sunk back into his seat and pushed his salad away. With his elbows propped up on the table, he hung his head in his hands.
Stephanie followed Liz down the hall and caught the bedroom door before she slammed it.
“Just leave me alone! Leave me here. I know, everyone is all thrilled to run off. Everyone is back to acting like nothing happened. I am not coming to Colorado.” Liz’s voice was tense and stern.
“I can’t just leave you alone. A few days ago, you were looking forward to this trip. What changed?”
“We’re just going to run off like it doesn’t matter that Colby can’t come with us.”
“Because Colby can’t come with us. It’s okay for us to go ski or snowshoe or read by the fire. It’s okay for us to unplug and take a vacation. It’s going to be hard to take our first family vacation without him, but we can get through this. We have to try to get through this together, though. We can’t lash out at each other and act like anyone here is to blame for Colby’s death. It’s not your fault, or Josh’s, or Tyler’s, or mine.”
“Then whose fault is it?” Liz collapsed onto the side of the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. She rocked her body back and forth slowly.
Stephanie sat down with her. “It is suicide’s fault. It is that darkness that overtook his mind that he couldn’t see his way past. I don’t know that there is really anyone to blame.”
“Blaming the darkness starts sounding like blaming him for not being strong enough. I didn’t even know he was struggling that hard again.”
“I know you didn’t. None of us suspected it, Liz. He really seemed like he was on a good track.”
“Yeah, he did.” The tears that Liz held at bay came flooding forth. Her body trembled and shook with each deep sob, and tears flowed from her eyes like a pair of streams racing each other toward the ocean.
“You’re a good mom, Elizabeth. It’s not wrong to put one foot in front of another and do life things. Some will be enjoyable, and some will be hard. You’ll get the hang of it though. You’ll see how Jesus is using this, how He intends to redeem this pain.”
The bags were packed and loaded in the back of Liz’s car and Josh had fresh coffee in his mug. He waited for the kettle to whistle to pour tea over Liz and Stephanie’s teabags. Tyler groaned about it being so early and begged for a cup of coffee, but Josh declined. “You’ll be back to sleep before we get to the highway.”
“No, I won’t. It’s too crowded in Mom’s car to sleep,” Tyler complained.
“It’s not that crowded. We all packed sensibly. All we have in the backseat with us are the snacks,” Stephanie said.
“Give the man some coffee and let him drive, I’ll sleep,” Liz said.
“Please, Dad?” Tyler swiveled his head around to look straight at Josh.
“Not happening. I’m driving first,” Josh said.
The kettle whistled behind Josh and he turned away from the conversation. After pouring boiling water into his wife and sister’s travel mugs, he waited for the tea to steep. He grabbed down the honey and grabbed the half and half from the fridge.
“That won’t be any good when we get back, might as well let me go pour it over the rose bushes,” Liz said.
“Only if you plan on pouring water over it so it doesn’t smell like spoiled milk out front,” Josh said.
Liz grumbled and waved her hand through the air. She walked to the couch and tucked a small pillow and blanket under her arm and then she grabbed her purse with her free hand. Out the door she went without another word.
Josh slammed a fist against the counter and then flattened both palms onto the granite surface. His hands were wide apart, and he pushed down into the counter and dropped his head, shaking it from side to side.
“I know it’s ridiculous to think things will ever be like they were, but I just want to know when I’ll recognize my wife again. This is not how Liz behaves about anything. I want her to tease me like she would have about putting the water on the milk myself. Or I want her to swipe it and giggle because we both know it’s going to stink when we get back. But I am so incredibly tired of everything I say hurting her feelings or driving her away. I miss her.”
His arms trembled as he pushed himself upright and finished fixing the travel mugs of tea. He poured the half and half down the drain and rinsed the cardboard container out. He tossed it in the recycling bin under the sink, then he pulled both the bag of trash and the recycling out.
“Tyler get the trash from both bathrooms. We don’t want to smell any of this when we get back.”
Tyler did as he was told, and he grabbed the kitchen trash from his dad.
“Do you think the neighbors will pull our cans up if I leave them on the curb? It is trash day and both cans are full,” Tyler said.
“They pull them up nearly every week. I don’t think today will be any different. Go ahead and roll the cans to the curb,” Josh said.
Josh handed Stephanie her tea. She touched the side of his face.
“I’m proud of you Josh. You’ve been so strong for your family. I cannot imagine what all of this is like for you. You and Liz will find a rhythm. Just keep praying. Keep holding on. Keep pursuing her.”
“I’m trying Stephanie but some days I feel like I’m at the end of…” he gulped hard against the words that almost came out of his mouth.
“We all have a breaking point. Just remember, His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Don’t try to do this in your own strength big brother.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. We should get this show on the road,” Josh said.
Josh locked up the house behind himself and Stephanie, after checking that Tyler made it to the car. He opened Stephanie’s door for her and waited until she was in her seat to close it. He stooped down into the driver’s seat and pulled his door closed.
“You going back to sleep Tyler?” Josh asked.
From the backseat came a deep grunt that Josh accepted as affirmative. He reached over for Liz’s hand. He weaved his fingers between hers and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. His insides knotted when a moment passed, and then another, and she didn’t squeeze back. Just as he told himself to stop thinking about it, she squeezed his hand and looked over at him. Her damp eyes made him ache inside all over again, but this time for her instead of toward her.
Jesus, how are we ever going to overcome this? One day I think I see the sun peeking through this dark storm and then the next the rain crashes down. I’m tired. Please let this trip be refreshing for Liz. Help her see Your love and Your purpose. Don’t let this heartache swallow her up. I need her, Lord. I really need her.
The city was still mostly asleep. The streetlights illuminated the sidewalks and streets, but many businesses were dark. Occasionally the faint glow of a security light would seep through the blinds of one. Several fast-food restaurants that offered twenty-four-hour service were lit up and beckoning to all who would heed their call. Josh passed each one as he navigated the car to the highway.
I didn’t say amen. Do You answer prayers if we don’t say amen? How necessary is the amen at the end of a prayer? Well, amen, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.
As he accelerated the car to highway speeds, he said aloud, “Colorado or bust.” At first, the interstate was lit by as many lights as the city streets, but as they worked their way north, the highway dimmed to just what the headlights of their car illuminated. An occasional semi-truck dotted the road and even less often, another passenger car. The darkness was brightened once again by many lights as they passed through Edmond. North of Edmond, however, the highway grew dark again, except for the beams of light coming from their car.
“Anyone want to play DJ?” Josh asked.
The steady hum of the rubber tires rolling over the paved road filled the cab, but no one answered him.
“Will you put on my playlist, then?” he asked Liz.
“Sure.”
She pulled his phone off the center console and opened it up, navigating to his music app, she selected his only playlist.
“I think most people organize their music so they can listen to just one kind at a time. Not you though.” She giggled. “You have all of it on here from the fifties and sixties, to praise and worship, some country music.”
“Just put it on shuffle. Who knows, you might like it this way,” he said.
“We don’t even like the same kind of music,” Liz teased.
“I just got a new audiobook since reading in the car makes me sick. We could play that instead of listening to music,” Stephanie said.
Josh didn’t move his head, but his eyes turned to the side, catching Liz’s profile. Liz sat still, not even blinking her eyes for a long moment.
“Or not,” Stephanie finally said.
“She was serious,” Josh whispered as he leaned toward Liz.
“Who was? About what?” Liz feigned ignorance.
Stephanie started laughing, which set Tyler to grumbling about the ruckus everyone was making. “How am I supposed to fall to sleep back here if none of you will even try to be quiet?”
“Uh-oh, someone didn’t get his beauty sleep last night,” Stephanie teased.
The miles passed in this friendly, teasing, and talking way. The sun gradually lightened the horizon for some time before peeking over the edge of the sky and brightening things fully. The sky was cloudless and the brightest shade of blue. Wichita, Kansas was in their rearview mirror and they continued traveling north. A stone sign along the highway touted the town named McPherson.
“Can you pull off here?” Liz asked.
Josh reduced speed and clicked on his blinker. He navigated the car off the highway and pulled into the Love’s Travel Stop.
“I’m going to fill up since we’re stopped,” Josh said.
Liz eased out of the seat and moved slowly toward the store. Tyler came up beside her and put his arm around her. “Are you okay Mom?”
“I think I was sitting funny. I’m just stiff and old.”
“You don’t usually move at such a snail’s pace though. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m sure. It’s a strange thing what grief does to the body. I feel it in my bones and if I sit still for too long, I think I might turn to stone.”
“That wouldn’t be a good thing.”
As she loosened up, Tyler gave her more space. Stephanie followed further behind because she gathered everyone’s to-go cups so they could all get a fresh drink before they started down the road again. Josh filled the car up and cleaned the windshield and the rear glass. He didn’t worry about the side windows at this stop. He moved the car out of the fuel island, so he wasn’t blocking the way for anyone else. He parked near the front of the store and came inside.
“I think I want some fruit,” Liz told Josh when she spotted him.
“We brought snacks,” he reminded her.
“You’re right,” she conceded and turned away. She shuffled toward the exit.
“Wait,” Josh gently caught her by the arm, “Liz, if you want fruit, get it. I don’t know what’s in the snack bag. I thought we would get breakfast in Salina, if everyone was ready then.”
“But that’s another stop and it’s just an hour away. If we all get food here, we can make at least Hayes before we stop again.”
“I think we should stop sooner than every three hours. You looked stiff. Are you feeling better now?” Josh asked.
“I didn’t feel bad.”
“You look less stiff now.”
“It’s fine, I don’t have to get fruit. I’m ready when you are.”
“Liz.” Josh shook his head. “I don’t care if you get fruit. I want you to get what you want.”
“Fine, then get me fruit.” She slipped her arm out of his hand and pushed through the door, letting herself outside.
Stephanie grabbed four mixed fruit containers from the upright ice chest displaying them. She gave each one a spin in her hand, making sure the fruit looked fresh. “I need you and Tyler to help me get this stuff all out to the car, once I pay for it, that is,” Stephanie told Josh.
“Sure.” He followed her with hunched shoulders. Tyler handed him his and Stephanie’s to-go cups.
“I got you black coffee, is that what you wanted?” Stephanie asked.
“Yeah,” Josh said.
They reached the register and Josh told Stephanie to let him pay. After a moment’s pause and seeing the look on her brother’s face, Stephanie gave in. Once the transaction was complete, they both thanked the cashier, and everyone grabbed something. When they got to the car, Josh held Stephanie’s door and then let himself into the driver’s door.
“Breakfast of champs here. If anyone wants something after these fruit cups, I brought some yummy granola bars,” Stephanie said. She passed a fruit cup to Liz, then Josh, then Tyler.
“Thanks, Aunt Stephanie,” Tyler said.
“Thanks,” Josh said.
“Looks good, thanks,” came from Liz. Her body was turned away from everyone and she stared out the window, holding the fruit cup in both of her hands, but not opening it.
“Colorado or bust,” Josh said again as they accelerated up the ramp to get on the highway once more.
Miles passed and the only things they could hear were the hum of the tires on the highway and the occasional way a seat would squeak when someone adjusted their position. Stephanie collected fruit cups from the guys as they finished them, making a neat stack of them inside the trash bag.
“Hey Liz, do you want me to put your fruit in my little cooler?” Stephanie asked.
“No, I’m going to eat it,” she replied.
“When it’s warm?” Tyler teased.
“When I want to,” Liz grumbled.
Josh leaned forward in his seat and looked upward out of the windshield. It seemed so easy, the way they all were teasing one another before they stopped in McPherson. Why did that stop change everything back to the cold and snappy way it had been? Josh tried to think of anything he said, or did, that might have put Liz off. The harder he thought, the angrier he found himself growing. He had been kind and obliging in the store. As his wheels turned, he thought back to a vacation they took to Mount Rushmore when the boys were just five and ten.
“Do we have to drive anymore today Daddy?” Tyler asked as they stood in line to pay for a few snacks.
“Yes buddy, we have to drive for about six more hours. We’ll stop a couple more times between now and then, though,” Josh answered.
“Are we going to see Mount Rushmore today Dad?” Colby asked.
“No, bud. We talked about this yesterday. We’ll drive today and tomorrow. If we get an early enough start tomorrow, we will see Mount Rushmore before bed.”
“But we get to stay in a hotel tonight, right?” Colby asked.
“With a pool,” Liz answered. She reached for Tyler’s hand, but he leaned against Josh’s leg and refused her. Josh mouthed an apology, but she shook her head and smiled the sweetest smile he had ever seen.
“Dad, can I have a fruit cup instead of that jerky stick?” Colby asked.
“The jerky stick will fill you up better, bud. It’s protein,” Josh answered.
“Let him get the fruit cup, Josh, please,” Liz whispered.
He didn’t think Colby heard her. He thought for a moment but ultimately agreed to let Colby get the fruit cup. He paid and followed his family to the car. He helped Liz get the boys into their seats. He almost walked around the car without opening her door but caught himself in time and pulled her door open. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered, “I love you Mr. Miller.” It was one of those moments that he knew he would do anything for this woman God so graciously gave him.
“Mom, here.” Colby passed a piece of fruit to Liz.
“Thank you honey.” She popped the fruit into her mouth. It wasn’t long before he did it again, and then again. Josh was about to tell him to stop, to eat his fruit, when he thought to look at what Colby was passing her. Honeydew melon.
“Those are Mom’s favorite, aren’t they bud?” Josh asked Colby.
“That’s why I had to get them,” he said proudly from the backseat.
Liz looked from Josh to Colby and then back to Josh.
“I never thought I’d be loved so well this side of heaven,” she whispered, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
Josh looked over at Liz and his heart softened. He pulled the car off the highway, down the very next exit. Once he cleared the intersection and reached the on-ramp, he pulled off the road, making sure he was as far over as possible. He got out of the car and walked around to her door. He gently opened it and knelt, putting his arms around her and holding her.
“Colby got fruit at that Love’s, just so he could give you the honeydew. I remember.” He wiped her cheeks with his thumbs and cradled her head in his hands.
“He’s everywhere, Josh. I can’t go anywhere without remembering something he did. I miss him.”
“I thought they would turn the heat on before we arrived.” Stephanie rubbed her hands up and down her arms to generate warmth.
Josh fiddled with the thermostat and the heater thumped and then roared. In seconds the smell of burning dust harassed their nostrils and Tyler started coughing.
“It’s like no one has been here all winter,” Liz said.
“That wouldn’t make any sense. People are always coming and going here, especially this time of year,” Josh said.
“Then why does the heater smell like that?” Stephanie asked.
Josh mumbled something about not knowing and walked over to the kitchenette. He grabbed the dusty coffee pot out of the coffee maker.
“It’s too late for coffee, isn’t it?” Liz questioned.
“Not after all that driving and with it being cold in here. Does anyone else want a cup?” Josh asked.
“I do,” Tyler said.
Josh and Liz both laughed out loud. Josh turned the knob to turn the cold water on. A creaking noise crept through the pipes, then a hiss and then nothing. Josh tried the hot water side. Less like a creak and more like a groan, followed by the hiss, and then nothing. Josh turned both sides of the faucet off and leaned against the counter, letting his head drop forward.
Liz pulled out her phone and pulled up her email. She scrolled until she found the reservation, and subsequently, the number to reach someone twenty-four hours a day. She called and listened to the ring on the other side. Seven rings and she thought maybe she was going to strikeout.
Halfway through the ninth ring, she heard the jostling sound of the phone being answered, and a groggy “Hello?” came through the line.
“Yes, do you manage the Miner’s Cottage in Glenwood Springs?” Liz asked.
She spoke kindly into the phone, nodding and gesturing with her hands as she talked.
Josh leaned over to Stephanie, pointing at Liz. “That’s a sight for sore eyes.”
“What is?” Stephanie asked.
“She’s always been an animated person. She’s not angry or distressed, just sorting out the problem, right?”
“Right.”
“But her hands are moving, she’s walking around. She’s alert, smiling. She looks like herself. She’s been so dull or so angry since we lost Colby. I love seeing her like this.”
Liz tapped the button to end the call and she looked at Josh and Stephanie staring at her.
“I heard you two whispering. What was that all about?” Liz asked.
Josh shoved his hands in his front pockets, half shrugging. “Just the way you look when you’re taking care of things.”
“Seriously?” Liz cocked one eyebrow upward, tilting her head slightly.
“Seriously,” Stephanie confirmed.
“What did they say about the cottage?” Tyler sat at the white, wooden dining table situated by the window, just outside of the kitchenette. The blue, wooden chair he sat in creaked as he leaned heavily against the back of it.
“They haven’t had any bookings for it, so they turned the water off to keep the pipes from freezing. The furnace is electric, and he said it’s not unusual for it to smell bad when it comes on after being off for a while. He said the maintenance guy will be here in about fifteen minutes. He’ll get the water on and double-check the heater.” She paused to take a breath. “I’m going up to the bedroom to change into my sweats.”
“I think I’ll wait to carry the bags in. I’m concerned that we may not be staying here if the heater doesn’t stop smelling so awful or if something is actually wrong with the water,” Josh said.
“Makes sense,” Liz called over her shoulder. “I packed a pair of sweats in my purse.”
Stephanie giggled and ambled over to the royal blue couch. She rubbed her hand over the fabric, which reminded her of corduroy, and a little bit of dust puffed up into the air. She curled a leg underneath herself as she sat down, and she gave a big sigh. “It’s weird. It’s clean in here, organized and such. But it’s dusty. Is that a Colorado thing?”
“I have no idea.” Tyler shook his head and scrunched his eyebrows downward while lifting his shoulders.
“Well, I didn’t think anyone actually knew the answer, I was mostly thinking out loud,” Stephanie said.
“Let’s not start bickering,” Josh cautioned.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Josh pushed off the counter and moved over to the front door. He leaned to look through the peephole but froze. There was no peephole to look through. He reached for the doorknob anyway and slid the door partway open.
“Good evening, can I help you?” he asked the man standing on the other side.
“Water’s off, ain’t it?” the man replied.
“Oh yes, it is. You must be the maintenance guy? I don’t think they gave us your name when we called.”
“Name’s Phil. Ya gonna let me in?” he asked gruffly.
Josh stared at the grey-haired man in greasy overalls standing on the porch. He took a step back and eased the door open the rest of the way.
“All the faucets off?”
“As far as I know. We only tried the kitchen sink.”
“A’ight,” the man sauntered past the staircase and down the dark hallway. He clicked on a flashlight and Josh could see there was another door that looked like it probably went outside. To the right of the door was an electrical panel. The man flipped the panel open and kicked the breakers to the on position.
“Give it ‘bout five minutes or so, then ya can check again.”
“Are you going to wait around to see if it works?”
“No need,” Phil said. He sauntered to the front door and turned the knob to let himself out.
“Are you going to check on the heater?” Tyler asked.
“Smells fine to me,” he leaned out the door and spat over the rail to the right of the door.
“Are you sure?” Stephanie asked.
He sniffed the air and nodded.
“I’d feel better if you would at least look at it. We didn’t exactly come to Colorado to burn up in a preventable fire,” Josh said.
“A’ight,” Phil replied. He sauntered back down the hallway, leaving the front door standing wide open. While the cabin hadn’t warmed all the way up, the cold twenty-degree air rushing in was much colder than the air inside.
Phil shined his flashlight at the panel to the heating and cooling unit. He wiggled the front cover off and peered inside, shining his light around for a second.
“All’s well folks,” he said.
He jimmied the panel back into place and shuffled back down the hallway.
“Have a goodnight y’all,” he said and tipped an imaginary hat at Stephanie and then Josh.
Josh strode immediately into the kitchenette, cranking both the hot and cold knobs to the on positions. Creaking and groaning and more hissing, then brown water dripped, trickled, and finally rushed from the faucet.
“Oh good, it’s on,” Josh said.
“That water is brown Dad.” Tyler’s lip curled up and he shivered.
“I’m sure it just needs to run,” Josh assured him.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Josh left the water running and walked over to answer the door.
“Hey Phil, is everything okay?”
“Just thought I might oughta let ya know that water ain’t gonna be hot for an hour or more, if it even gets hot tonight.”
“So, no showers tonight, I guess,” Josh said.
“Prolly not young man. Shower in the mornin’ ‘ill do jus’ fine,” Phil said.
“Well thank you for getting us fixed up for the night.”
“Not a problem.”