Beep. Beep. Beep.
Rolling over slowly, Josh pushed himself upright. The alarm continued beeping as he stretched his arms above his head and wiped the sleep from his eyes. The room was dark except for the red numbers on his alarm clock. The sun had yet to lighten the sky for the day. Liz rolled over and grumbled at him about not turning off the alarm fast enough.
“Come out and eat breakfast with me?” Josh silenced the beeping alarm.
“It’s too early,” she whined.
“It didn’t use to be. I miss breakfast together.” He disappeared into their master bathroom. She listened as he brushed his teeth, flushed the toilet, washed his hands, and even slicked deodorant on under his arms. She forced herself to sit up in the bed.
“Hey Liz…”
“Hmm?” She stretched her arms upward. Her spine and shoulder popped and crackled. She felt weighted deep within her bones and it was a fight just to turn her body and let her feet brush against the floor. The wood was cool and smooth beneath her toes and she pressed them against the floor, grounding herself in the familiar.
“I need you to take care of Dusty again today, please.” He came out of the bathroom.
Shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath, Liz conceded with a nod of her head. “Josh?”
“Yeah, babe?” He straightened the sheets and the comforter on his side of the bed, then walked around to her side. Pulling back the curtains that hung over the window on her side of the bed, he then tied them open and peeled the blinds apart so he could peek outside. The hazy light of early morning was just starting to illuminate the blackness of the sky.
“I think we should sell Dusty. You’re too busy to do what you want with her. I have no interest in even having a horse. I just thi—”
“No,” he cut her off. He motioned for her to stand up and he made her side of the bed to match his. “Let’s eat before I have to leave.”
“Josh, you can’t keep dodging this stuff. We don’t need a horse.” Reaching for him, she caught his hand and tugged him back to her.
“We are not selling Dusty. If you won’t take care of her when I’m unable, then I’ll find another way. Tyler is driving now. I’m sure he’ll help me.”
“I’m not just going to sit by idly while you cling to everything and let it suffocate us. Some of Colby’s stuff needs to go.”
“Not Dusty. And I’m not ready to go through his room yet. I need more time.” He jerked his hand away from her and finished dressing for work. “Forget the bagels. I’m headed to the office. If you don’t go out to take care of Dusty, I need to know. She doesn’t deserve to go hungry just because you won’t help me.”
Before Liz could say anything else, Josh left the room. His footsteps thumped down the hall and then the front door slammed. Although she couldn’t hear his car from the bedroom, she knew it was gone before another whole minute passed.
She stared out the window to collect her thoughts. Deciding to wake Tyler and take him to breakfast before school, she took a steaming hot shower and dressed herself in jeans. She rubbed her hands over the denim that seemed to fit looser than she remembered. She thought of the shopping trip when she tried to convince Colby to come with her. Would we even know what he had been thinking about had he come along and his plan been thwarted? Would that trip have saved him or only delayed this? This train of thought was almost too much. Clutching the counter, she leaned over the bathroom sink as a wave of nausea overwhelmed her. With a deep, slow inhale, the feeling subsided and she released her grip on the counter. Grabbing her hairbrush, she tugged it through her hair until she could braid it neatly.
Her footsteps were soft coming down the hall, padded by cotton socks that fit just right. She walked across the living room and to the hallway where the boys’ rooms were situated—Colby’s to the left, with the door open and Tyler’s to the right, with the door closed. She knocked gently on Tyler’s door, then turned the doorknob, letting herself in. His room was pitch black, but she knew where to find the lamp on his desk and after clicking it on, she walked over and sat on the side of his bed.
“Wake up sleepy head.” Leaning close, she kissed his cheek, but he didn’t stir. She tugged the covers back and started poking at him, tickling his ribs.
“Rise and shine.”
He jerked and tried to pull the covers back up to his chin.
“Wakey, wakey, eggs, and bakey,” she said.
He started laughing. Propping himself up on his arms, half sitting, he asked, “Mom, what are you doing?”
“Waking you up. Let’s get breakfast before school.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s only about six,” she said.
“I don’t want to get up until seven,” he said in his best grouchy voice.
“But you’re awake now, so let’s go.” She ruffled the hair on top of his head and stood up. “Be ready in fifteen, got it?”
“Fine,” he grumbled, scooting out from under his mess of blankets and sheets.
With his hair gelled to the side, dark jeans that fit snug, a solid black t-shirt, white, no-show socks, and skater shoes on, Tyler came out of his room.
“Mom?” he called out.
“I’m coming,” she hollered from her bedroom.
They headed out the door and locked up the house. As they headed down the road, Liz motioned toward the dash and asked, “Do you have your phone hooked up?”
“No, Mom. That was always Colby’s thing.”
“Right.” She fell silent for a couple of blocks, finally asking, “Do you want to connect your phone?”
“Nope.”
“What station do you want to listen to, then?”
“Don’t care.”
“Grouchy, much?” Liz turned the radio up. Her usual worship station played in the background.
“It’s just early. I didn’t sleep great last night. It’s been a long time since we’ve gone to get breakfast.”
“Too long.”
“I’m glad we’re going.”
“Me too.”
They parked near the building at Beverly’s and Tyler hopped out the car. He hurried around the car to Liz’s side, opening her door for her.
“Thank you,” she said as she stood to her feet. He closed the car door behind her, and they walked up to the front of the diner, where he held the door for her again.
“Thank you, again.”
He just chuckled and nodded his head.
They sat at a booth along the wall and she ordered hot tea, while Tyler requested coffee.
“You’re too young for that.” Liz stared at him.
“It’s just coffee, Mom. It’s not like I asked for a shot of bourbon.”
“Well, when you put it like that,” she said, and half shrugged.
“Liz, Tyler,” a familiar voice reached her ears and she looked up. The owner of the diner came around the counter and straight to their table. “It is so good to see you out and about. I’m so sorry for what happened with Colby. How are you holding up?” he spoke fast, nervously.
“So-so,” Liz said.
“I can’t even imagine,” he replied and patted her shoulder. He turned his gaze to Tyler. “And how about you, son?”
“Holding up.” Tyler offered the man a smile.
“Atta-boy, that’s good son.” He clapped Tyler on the back and turned to leave, stopping halfway back to the kitchen, “breakfast is on the house today, just enjoy it, alright?”
“You don—”
“Don’t say it. I know I don’t,” he interrupted.
Once the hot plates arrived, Tyler scarfed his breakfast down in near-record time, while Liz ate much slower.
“Do you have any tests today?” Liz pushed the food on her plate around.
“No, why?” Tyler scooped an over-medium egg up and set it on top of his last piece of toast. He crammed his mouth full and Liz found herself wanting to warn him not to choke. She refrained.
“Because I thought maybe you could skip school and come out to the barn.”
“You want me to meet Colby’s horse, don’t you? Cause Dad won’t agree to sell her so maybe I should see if I like her?”
“It’s not exactly like that. You’re right about Dad. He won’t sell her. But I think you would like her.”
“I hate skipping school.”
“I know, but your perfect attendance is blown for this year. It’s Friday anyway. Call it a long weekend and hang out with your old mom today, please?”
Unable to resist the pleading look on her face, he finally caved and agreed to skip school to spend the day with her.
Dusty met Tyler and Liz at the fence. She stuck her head over the rail and pressed her chest against it, stretching as close to them as she could get. Her ears pricked forward.
“Hey girl,” Liz said softly. Still nervous, she reached for the large jaw of the golden mare and stroked her soft fur.
“You want to brush her after we get her breakfast?”
He shrugged and just kind of stared at her. “Dusty, is it?”
“Yeah, that’s her name.”
“She’s really shiny.”
“Christy says it’s because of what she eats. That Colby spared no expense and fed her a fine diet, especially for a pleasure horse. Christy said she eats like royalty.”
Tyler couldn’t help but laugh. “That sounds just like my brother.”
“Yeah, yeah it does.” Tears welled in Liz’s eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
“Is she in this pen all the time?” Tyler asked.
“Yes. Christy said we could turn her out to pasture, but it would be our responsibility to catch her and put her up at night.”
“So why don’t we turn her out?”
“I don’t know how to catch her.”
“Can we at least take her for a walk?”
Liz bit her bottom lip and dropped her hand from Dusty’s jaw, shaking her head at Tyler.
“C’mon Mom, this pen isn’t that big. I bet she’d like to stretch her legs.”
“I…I don’t know Tyler. I haven’t ever taken her out.”
“Where’s her collar?”
Liz laughed aloud, saying, “It’s not called a collar, Tyler. It’s a halter.”
“Whatever,” he bristled. His cheeks flushed a rosy pink color. “Where is it?”
“It’s in Colby’s tack room.”
“So, let’s go get it.”
Tyler motioned for Liz to show him where they needed to go. Liz led the way to the tack barn and fished her keys out of her pocket. Tyler motioned one way and then the other. “This is a neat idea. Little closets for people to keep their horse stuff. Is the stuff she eats in here, too?”
“No, the feed is in another barn. This is just the closets along here.” She turned and pointed down the corridors on either side. “Those are all horse stalls.”
Liz unlocked the door and opened it. Colby’s saddle sat on the rack to the right, while his other equipment hung from hooks. Dust and cobwebs collected along the top edges of the small space. Liz grabbed the halter off the hook, and she rubbed the rope between her thumb and finger.
When was the last time you held his halter in your hand, Colby? Why didn’t you tell me you had a horse? Why didn’t I see the signs?
“Do you think Colby enjoyed his time out here?” she asked.
“I’m sure he did.” Tyler squeezed his mom’s arm and put his hand out for the halter. “Do you know how to put this thing on Dusty?”
“No.”
“We’ll figure it out together.” Tyler offered his arm to her, leading the way back to Dusty’s pen.
A cool breeze rustled the brown, yellow, and orange leaves on the trees, several of which broke free and flittered through the air, making a casual descent to the earth. Liz pulled her cardigan tighter around her and she squeezed Tyler’s arm.
“How are you doing? We haven’t talked much since…” She glanced to the left, away from Tyler.
“I’m fine Mom. I just want to make sure you and Dad are holding up.”
“No, really. I’ve been letting the notion that you are in counseling convince me that you’ll be fine. But I want to know how you really are.”
Tyler released her arm when they reached Dusty’s pen. He opened the gate and went in, offering to hold the gate for Liz but she shook her head, hanging back as he latched the gate and approached Dusty with the halter.
“I’m a little…” he started, then stopped. He held the halter up, trying to decide how to put it on Dusty’s head. “It’s just been…” he drifted off again as he slid the noseband over her nose, and then tried to slide it up her face. He let the halter drop off her muzzle and he gripped it by the side.
“Are you sure you don’t remember how that lady did it?”
“I’m sure. I wasn’t paying attention to the halter. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
“Of course, it’s a good idea. We just have to figure this out. I can probably find a video on YouTube.”
“Is everything on YouTube?”
“Pretty much, Mom.”
Christy came strolling down the aisle, a black and white overo gelding following behind her.
“Need a hand?” she asked.
“Do you know how this thing works?” Tyler held the halter up for Christy to see.
“Sure do.”
“Tyler, this is Christy. Christy, this is my son Tyler,” Liz introduced them.
“Nice to meet you ma’am,” Tyler said.
“You look just like Colby,” Christy said warmly. She reached the neon green lead rope in her hand out toward Liz. “Will you hold him a minute? I can help Tyler put Dusty’s halter on.”
“Sure.” Liz tentatively took the rope in her hand. It was softer and lighter than she expected. She wiggled it a little bit and the motion transferred up the line and wiggled the snap attached to the halter on the paint. He took a step backward. Eyes widening, Liz took her own step backward.
“Easy now…shhhh, you’re okay,” she said, more for herself than the horse.
He rested his hind leg and his shiny, black ears flopped lazily out to the sides. His eyelids half closed, and his head bobbled a bit lower. Liz took a deep breath and stared at him.
Christy walked over to Tyler and reached her hand out for the halter. He gave it to her without hesitation.
“I have no idea how to put this on her,” he admitted.
“That’s okay. I’m glad you want to try, what’s the plan once the halter is on?”
“Just a walk. I thought she might like to stretch her legs. I’m sure this pen is adequate, but I guess it seems a little small for a whole horse.”
“It would look funny to put just half a horse in here.”
Tyler roared with laughter. “That it would.”
“I’m sure she will appreciate going for a walk,” Christy said.
She dropped the lead rope over the mare’s golden neck. “Safety first. Horses do have a mind of their own. You don’t want to be right here with no control. So always put the rope over her neck first. Then you have some means of directing her movement if you need to. Dusty’s quiet and she’s been well trained, but she’s still a horse. Your safety is imperative.”
She slid the noseband over Dusty’s muzzle and ran her hand up the far side of the halter. Reaching the crown piece, she flipped it over the top of the mare’s poll, behind her ears. She was careful to show the knot to Tyler and explain why it was important to tie it the way she showed him. Then she rubbed the front of Dusty’s face and passed her rope to Tyler. She left the gate open for Tyler to come through with Dusty when he was ready. Liz passed the gelding’s rope to Christy and gave her a half-smile. She watched as the gelding came to life, backed a few steps, and turned around on Christy’s request. Christy was light with her cues and the gelding’s responses were quick.
“I think she really knows what she’s doing,” Liz said to Tyler after Christy had walked a good distance away.
“I couldn’t imagine anyone could run a place like this without knowing what they were doing.”
He led the quiet mare through the open gate and turned her to the right. Walking along the direction Christy came from, they passed four pens on each side and then reached a T in the path. Liz followed from a wide distance behind, watching Dusty closely. Tyler rubbed her golden-colored neck and then combed his fingers through a section of her coal-black mane. She watched his every move and when he walked, she walked. When he slowed down, she slowed down. When he stopped, she stopped. Tyler led her around to the left, along a wide-open pasture. He reached another point where the path no longer continued straight. This time he could turn around or go left. Turning left, he kept walking Dusty along the path. She blew a warm breath on his arm when they came to another stop. Tyler motioned for Liz to come over to him.
“I…I don’t know. I think I’m good back here,” Liz called out, louder than necessary.
“Mom come up here. She’s not scary.”
“To you,” Liz muttered. She scooted along the fence, giving the buckskin mare a wide berth as she eased past her.
“Here.” Tyler handed the lead rope to Liz and started walking ahead of her and the mare. Liz clutched the rope tightly. With a forced breath in, she turned and took one step forward, then another.
“Easy girl, easy,” she murmured. She continued to hold the rope tightly, but Dusty didn’t resist her. She walked along quietly, attentive to Liz’s every move, and responding by stopping when Liz stopped and walking when Liz walked. Tyler took them up and down each alley, around each barn, around the outside of the arena, around the inside of the arena, and back down the alley toward Dusty’s pen.
“Do you think we should brush her?” Liz asked.
“I saw a bucket of brushes in Colby’s tack room. She would probably like that.”
“Why don’t you take her, and I’ll go get them,” Liz said, sticking the rope out toward Tyler. He shook his head and started off toward the barn.
“I’ll get the brushes. You stay with her.”
Liz watched him walk away before turning to the resting mare. She sucked in a breath and then reached her trembling hand out and touched Dusty’s face, rubbing up and down it gently. Running her fingers over the soft, white hairs between Dusty’s eyes, she felt a sense of calm wash over her.
“Were you born with this spot?”
Dusty pricked her ears forward at the sound of Liz’s voice. Her dark eyes watched the woman and she didn’t seem bothered by anything around her. Liz found herself rubbing Dusty’s neck and combing her fingers through her coal-black mane.
“Did Colby come see you very often?” Liz whispered. “Did he like riding you?”
She rubbed Dusty’s neck and scratched beneath her mane. Dusty wiggled her upper lip and craned her head upward. Tilting her head to the side, she bobbed it up and down as Liz continued scratching.
“Do you like that?” Liz asked.
Dusty continued to wiggle her upper lip and bob her head, but as soon as Liz stopped scratching, Dusty lowered her head. She bent her head around and touched Liz’s arm with her soft, velvet muzzle.
“Do you want me to do it again?” Liz laughed and started scratching once more. Dusty wiggled her top lip back and forth, craned her neck upward, and bobbed her head again.
Tyler watched from a distance. The huge smile on his mom’s face made his heart squeeze in his chest. A sense of comfort washed over him, like things might once more be right in the world. He hadn’t seen her smile, at least not for real, since Colby’s death. Christy walked up and stood beside him, watching Dusty and Liz.
“Horses have such healing power,” she said.
“I’ve heard as much. I think this is going to be good for my mom.”
“Dusty’s a good mare. I know your mom has been wanting to sell her, but I also see how afraid she is. Maybe this will change her mind.”
“I hope so.” Tyler tipped his head respectfully then walked down to his mom, holding the bucket up. “I got the brushes.”
“Oh good! I think she is itchy.”
Swish-swoosh-swish. Tyler and Liz stood on opposite sides of Dusty and brushed her creamy buckskin coat.
“I know Thanksgiving was kind of a disaster. What do you think we should do for Christmas?” Liz asked.
Tyler’s eyebrows raised and he pursed his lips together. He shook his head and raised a hand in surrender. “I have no idea. I would rather not have Christmas so I’m not the right person to ask.”
The sound of the brushes over Dusty’s coat filled the air between them. Bits of dust, and yellow hairs lifted into the autumn air and danced away on the breeze.
“Just talk it over with Dad. You guys will come up with a good idea.”
“I just don’t know if we should try to do things the same as usual or if we should change it. Do you think we should do something to try to include Colby, or the memory of him, in whatever we do?”
“Mom, I don’t know.” Tyler sounded firmer.
“No, I know. I don’t know either.”
Dusty craned her head to the side where Liz stood. She touched her soft, dark muzzle to Liz’s hip. While the gesture was friendly on Dusty’s part, it made Liz fearful.
“What is she doing?” Liz lifted her hands, dropped her brush, and backed up.
“I think she’s just saying hi to you,” Tyler said. He stroked the mare’s neck. “You okay Dusty? We’re just brushing you and spending time outside. Do you like this?”
Christy called from the barn entrance, “She liked where you were brushing her. She was just telling you to keep brushing.”
“Are you sure?” Liz questioned.
“Very sure,” Christy replied.
Liz kicked the brush away from Dusty and then, when she felt the distance was safe enough, she bent over and picked it up. She moved closer to the mare and started brushing her again. When Liz brushed near Dusty’s withers, she turned and nuzzled Liz’s hip again. Liz held the brush in one hand and began scratching a little more firmly with her fingers. Dusty tipped her nose up toward the sky and wiggled her lips around.
“She really likes that,” Tyler told Liz.
“How do you know?”
“I feel it,” he said.
Liz stopped scratching as her hand wore out and went back to brushing. Dusty stood quietly, her eyelids drooped, and her ears hung lazily to the sides.
“What about the books? What if we buy and give books? Colby was really interested in the reading program and helping kids read,” Liz said.
“I still need to donate the books I bought. They’ve been riding around in my car all this time.”
“I’m sorry. I know I said I’d go with you. You could have reminded me.”
“Do you know why Colby liked to help kids learn to read?” Tyler stopped brushing and locked eyes with his mom.
“No, I don’t. It has puzzled me for a long time. He was a strong reader.”
“Yeah, after fifth grade.”
“What are you talking about?” Liz asked.
“He struggled with his reading. But he was embarrassed about it. His second-grade teacher caught on and wanted to get you involved. Colby begged her not to. She agreed on one condition, that during recess three days a week, Colby would practice with a tutor. That tutor came from Books for Kids, the program he volunteered with and donated to.”
“How do you know this?” Liz asked.
“He told me. Brothers do that you know? Tell each other stuff that they can’t talk to their parents about,” Tyler said with a laugh.
“I’m glad he had you, Tyler.”