Stephanie brushed Liz’s damp, brown hair after helping her zip up the black skirt she chose to wear.
“You know, Colby would have been okay with casual,” Stephanie commented.
“It’s farewell. I have to dress right,” Liz said in a sad, slow way.
“Okay, that’s okay, too.”
Stephanie continued running the brush through Liz’s hair as she watched Liz’s face in the mirror. Liz’s eyes closed and Stephanie continued with steady, even strokes through the wavy locks. She wanted nothing more than to hold space as her friend grieved the loss of her oldest son. She worked from the top and began French braiding Liz’s hair, humming a gentle tune as she went.
“What song is that?” Liz asked.
“Oceans by Hillsong, want me to sing it to you?” Stephanie replied.
“Yes.”
Stephanie sang softly as she finished braiding Liz’s hair.
“Thank you, Stephanie,” Liz whispered, fresh tears spilling from her eyes. Her head dropped forward, and she shook it from side to side. “I’m not ready to do this today.”
“No one ever is friend. No one ever is.” She wrapped her arms around Liz’s shoulders and hugged her fiercely.
“Liz?” Josh came through the door to the bedroom. Seeing his tearful wife nearly moved him to tears of his own but he held them back, crossing the room to her and kissing the top of her head. He offered a half-hearted smile toward his sister, and she released Liz from her hug and stood up.
“I’m going to get a glass of water,” Stephanie commented.
“Can we reschedule?” Liz looked at him with pleading eyes as Stephanie walked away.
“Oh sweetheart. I wish we could, but it’s time for us to leave. Everyone is going to be arriving shortly. We have to go now.”
Liz looked away from him and rose to her feet. She smoothed her skirt and adjusted her blouse. She grasped a dark grey shawl off the bedspread on her side of their bed. The material was soft between her fingers and she rubbed them back and forth, even bringing the fuzzy, soft fabric upward to rub on her nose. Lifting it to flip around her shoulders, she paused as her arms trembled. Josh took it from her hands and wrapped it around her and then he squeezed her.
“It will be good to be reminded how much Colby was loved,” he said.
“It would be better to still have him here,” she retorted.
Josh stepped out of the bedroom and hollered for Tyler, who quickly came out of his room, dressed in black slacks, with a black button up shirt on.
“I can’t find my tie Dad,” Tyler said.
“That’s fine. You look good without it. Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
“Go get in the car and wait for us, please.”
“Okay, I will.” Tyler moved quickly back to his room to grab his phone and his baseball cap. He smoothed his thick hair back and shoved the cap over it and then went out front to wait in the car.
Josh went back to Liz, who had taken a seat on the side of the bed. He offered her his hand and she took it. He helped her up and then hugged her tightly and kissed her temple. “It’s time to go, love.”
Josh led her to the front door, where Stephanie was waiting to lock the house behind them, and then he led her out to his car. He held her door open for her and made sure she was all the way in before gently pushing it closed. He closed his eyes for a moment, asking the Big Man Upstairs for strength for the afternoon.
They drove in relative silence. Stephanie followed along behind them in her own vehicle. They were the first to arrive at the church. Josh and Tyler walked Liz in and carefully led her through the lobby, into the auditorium, and then to the front row of seats. She stared at a huge picture of Colby. Greenery adorned the table at the base of the picture, and around it sat several smaller pictures of him throughout his life. Tears, endless tears, dripped from her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She gave up dabbing at them days ago, finding the tissue to be more irritating to her skin than letting the tears flow and dry as they pleased.
Tyler excused himself and went back out to the lobby. Guests began filtering in. Several ushers brought vase after vase of lovely floral arrangements to line the stage. Liz looked at each one with wide eyes. She started shaking her head and Josh walked over to her. He knelt in front of her and took her hands in his.
“What’s wrong love?”
“We specifically said no flowers, to donate to that kid’s reading program where Colby volunteered.”
“Maybe people did both. It’s okay, Liz. They’ve been receiving donations. Shelly called a few times to tell us so.”
“Okay, okay. If you’re sure,” she said quickly, with an uncertain nod of her head.
Josh waved at Stephanie and she came over to them. He spoke quietly to her, asking her to sit with Liz while he checked on Tyler and everything else. She sat down and put her arm around Liz’s shoulders. Liz leaned heavily against her as sobs jolted her body again and again.
People filled the seats behind them. Some offered whispered condolences or a pat on Liz’s shoulders. Most she raised a trembling hand to, in acknowledgment, but some Stephanie did the work of acknowledging or thanking for their comforts.
A man with a guitar walked solemnly out on stage and began to play a gentle tune. As he played, he began singing a worship song that Liz didn’t recognize. She tried to listen to the words or the melody, but it seemed with her eyes closed, all she did was think of the past, and with her eyes open, all she had to face was the stark reality that Colby wasn’t coming home again.
The music continued through a second, and then a third song before Pastor Garon took the stage and thanked everyone for joining him and the family of Colby Miller as they celebrated the life and mourned the loss of their incredible son. As if Colby were just a check list of accomplishments, Pastor Garon continued listing things Colby had done or been known for. Just as Liz thought she could take no more of the way he spoke, he excused himself for the first friend of Colby to give a word. A much warmer account of who her son was, not just a checklist of things he had done, followed. Liz found herself hanging on every word, reciting them in her head as three of his friends shared different stories. She hoped for a clue to tell her that they all knew this was coming even though they didn’t do anything. A clue that told her that no one should be surprised by this like she was. That she shouldn’t be surprised by this—he was her baby and she, of all people, should know how he was doing, shouldn’t she? Yet none of their speeches gave her any such clues. They just told her that Colby was well liked, definitely loved, and sorely missed by the many people that he encountered in his short time on the earth.
The preacher came back out on stage to let everyone know that one more worship song would play, and he gave an altar call. Liz turned to Josh and laughed then clutched her aching sides. He wrapped an arm around her, motioned for Tyler to stay until the end, and guided her out of the auditorium.
“What’s going on Liz?”
“Did you hear him? He rattled on about Colby like he was a checklist! Then he gave that altar call like, ‘Hey, everyone. God stole their son. Want to give your life to Him now, too?’” she mocked.
“Elizabeth,” Josh’s eyes widened, “we agreed on the altar call. What if someone in there doesn’t know Jesus?”
“What if God doesn’t give a damn about any of us, Josh?”
“You’re just upset…” Josh trailed off as he heard the doors opening behind them.
Ushers opened both sets of double doors between the lobby and the auditorium. Guests began walking into the lobby.
Josh led Liz over to the spot they’d been instructed to stand as everyone shook their hands and offered their condolences.
“Let’s shake hands Liz, and then we’ll decide if we stay to eat, alright?”
Liz just nodded and stood facing the guests with wide eyes. Tyler made his way straight to his parents, and he stood on the other side of Liz. Guests began approaching, one after another, to shake their hands, hug them, apologize, and wish them the best as they recovered from the loss of Colby. Liz felt faint, and the tears returned vigorously. Tyler tried to tell her it was okay, but she just shrugged him off as another guest approached and hugged her.
Stephanie stepped up beside Josh, asking in a low voice, “How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine.”
“Liz isn’t.” She tilted her head to point as Liz was wrapped into another hug. “It’s too much to ask a mother to face a crowd like this while mourning the loss of her son. It’s not fair to you either but you don’t seem to be coming undone like she is.”
“She’s not coming undone,” Josh argued. “She’s just upset. She gets to be upset.”
“Okay, I didn’t mean anything by it.” Stephanie raised her hands in surrender.
“I don’t think she’s going to want to stay to eat.”
“Let me take her home now; she’s miserable. This isn’t comforting to her.”
“It would be kind of you to take her home. Are you sure you don’t want to stay for food?”
“I’m sure.”
She stepped around Josh and put one arm around Liz, and she laid her other hand on the upper part of Liz’s arm. As she guided her toward a side door, Josh intercepted guests and shook their hands, thanking them for coming out to the ceremony.
Stephanie took Liz outside and then helped her into the car. Although Liz remained silent, the slightest bit of relief softened her features. She nearly fell asleep on the drive home. Stephanie helped her inside and to bed. She brought Liz some warm broth.
“Try to get something in you before you fall asleep,” she encouraged.
“Thank you,” Liz said as she scooted deeper into the covers and pulled them up over her head.
Stephanie sat at the dining table, gazing out the window. Josh and Tyler pulled into the driveway, so she walked out to meet them. Josh loaded Tyler’s arms as full as possible with food trays.
“They set up meals for two weeks, Stephanie. Someone is going to deliver dinner every night for two weeks,” Josh heaved a sigh.
“Good, that’s what the church is supposed to do,” Stephanie replied.
“It’s not like we can’t cook.”
“Nope, but this gives you one less thing to think about while you grieve.”
“Where is Liz?”
“Lying down.”
She grabbed three of the dozen or so vases, filled with flowers, from the backseat of the car and carried them inside. Tyler passed her on his way back out to get more food. With the food stacked on the island, she placed the flowers on the table.
“The house is going to look festive for a few days. This is a lot of flowers,” Stephanie told Tyler.
“There were a lot of people there. My brother was popular,” Tyler said.
The three of them made quick work of unloading the car. Then Stephanie started depositing the flowers around the house. Every room got at least one vase of flowers, some rooms got two or three. Josh asked Tyler to go to his room so he could talk to Stephanie.
“Coffee?” She washed out the coffee pot.
“That would be good.”
Josh pulled out a chair and sat at the table. He rested his head in his hands while he waited for his sister to finish the coffee and come sit down.
“You handled today so well.” Taking her seat, she slid his coffee across the table in his direction.
“I need to make sure Liz is okay,” Josh said.
“She’s grieving.”
“I don’t want to say we’ve never been through anything hard, but honestly, we’ve had a really easy life up until this point.”
“You’ve been through some hard stuff; I think it all pales in comparison though.”
“I’ve never seen her like this, Stephanie.”
“You both lost a son. Not everybody has to walk through this. And she found him, Josh. Just give her time. Pray for her. She’ll get through this, too.”
“She shocked me at the funeral.”
“How so?”
“She questioned whether God even cares about us. She was upset with me, with Pastor Garon. She thought the altar call was too much. But we agreed on it ahead of time.”
“It wouldn’t be strange for someone to get mad at God after such a severe loss.”
Josh recounted the moments before the guests all started coming out of the auditorium. Stephanie listened but shook her head.
“She was just upset. It sounds like she didn’t like the service more than anything. All that emotion has to go somewhere. But she shouldn’t lash out at you.”
“I don’t mind. I just don’t know how to help her.”
“I don’t know either.”
“It was a good service, given the circumstances.”
“I thought the pastor spoke well. And Tyler sharing his favorite memories of Colby, then listening to Colby’s friends. I wish he knew how much he was loved before he made his decision.”
“Me too,” Josh agreed. “You don’t really think Liz is going to quit believing, do you?”
“No, I think she feels like God took her son away or didn’t intervene where she wanted Him to. She’ll find solace in Jesus soon. She’s going to need Him to pull through this.”
“What if she doesn’t?”
“Then we are going to love on her, support her, and pray like we’ve never prayed before,” Stephanie said. She reached across the table and squeezed Josh’s arm.