“Merry Christmas, love.” Josh rubbed Liz’s arm to wake her.
“Merry Christmas,” she muttered. Pushing the covers aside, she sat up in the bed and rubbed her eyes. “What time is it?”
“Not quite five,” Josh replied.
“Why so early?”
“I thought we could make cinnamon rolls and maybe start some food prep.” He sat down beside her and kissed the side of her face. “I’m glad we decided to have Christmas at home.”
“Okay.”
“You ready? I have the kettle on the stove for you.”
“No, Josh. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for Christmas and I’m not ready to celebrate and I’m not ready to face another day without Colby. But here we are, aren’t we?”
“Liz—”
“No, don’t Liz me. You’re always pushing and pushing. Things are not normal and there is no getting back to normal Josh. There just isn’t.”
“So, what do you expect the rest of us to do? Sit around hiding under blankets hoping the world will stop?”
Liz stood up and faced away from Josh. She tried to collect her thoughts, to form a response. Feet planted, she turned her torso and stared hard at him.
“The man I spent the last thirty years of my life with would never think to talk to me like you have since we lost Colby. I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore.”
“I can count on one hand the number of times you’ve said something about it being we or us that lost Colby. All I ever hear is how you lost your son. You aren’t the only one hurting, Elizabeth.”
Liz took a couple of steps, putting space between them, then she turned around.
“It’s hard to say we lost our son when all I see and hear about is your work. You just went right back to business as usual. Long days, extra hours, anything to not come home. You forgot who Colby was years ago, before he ever took his own life. You were too consumed with your work and getting your fancy car and spending time at the gym to even notice anything happening here. So no, I don’t often feel like we lost a son. I feel like I lost a son, years after I lost my husband.”
Josh gritted his teeth, torn between a venomous response and holding his tongue. His head dropped forward and he wiped his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes.
“I’ve wasted my life. It’s been bothering me for years, and I was trying to replace that feeling with weight loss, a luxury car, extra hours at work. I help people complain when they’ve stubbed their toe so they get paid for it. I can’t tell you the last case I handled where someone legitimately got hurt, and reasonably was due compensation from a business or individual. I hate what I do, and as I result, I hate myself. If I hadn’t worked late that night, Colby might still be here. If I had come home, turned on the T.V., started a pizza for us guys, maybe Tyler wouldn’t have felt the need to sneak off to a party and Colby wouldn’t have felt like his only option was to end his life. But I wasn’t here, was I? And I wasn’t out doing the weekly grocery shopping, like you. You were doing something to take care of our family. I didn’t need those hours at work, they weren’t doing anything for our current situation or our future. They weren’t for us. They were for me, because I can’t help but think that if I dig my heels in and try a little harder, I’ll find some sense of meaning from what I do. But it just isn’t there. And I hate it.”
As if a veil had been lifted from her eyes, Liz felt as though she was seeing the real man for the first time in years. She wanted to run to him and throw her arms around him and tell him they could find a way through it all. The familiar cloak of grief was like a weight that held her rooted to the ground. The steps back to Josh were hard and she didn’t run, but she did put one foot in front of the other. She sunk onto the bed beside him and wrapped her arms around him. He leaned into her and she stroked her hand gently over the side of his head.
“I had no idea,” she admitted quietly.
“Because I never wanted to burden you with the idea that I hate my life. I didn’t want you to worry that I might leave my job and leave our family in turmoil. I didn’t want you to think it was your fault. I want to protect you and I want to provide for you. I can’t protect you from the loss of Colby, though. That kills me. I want to make it all better and there is no quick fix, no button I can push, no serum to reverse it all, no fountain of youth that gives us back the time we’ve wasted, the time we’ve lost, and the son we love.”
Josh and Liz worked in the kitchen in the quiet rhythm that only develops as people spend a lifetime learning to watch each other and move together. There was a peace between them that neither had felt in too long, that both relished on this special morning.
“Christmas sure changes as kids get older,” Liz commented.
The cinnamon rolls had gone cold, and it was nearing time for lunch.
“I’ve checked on him a couple of times, he’s just sleeping in,” Josh said.
“You never used to check on either of them in their rooms.”
“I can’t help it now. When it gets too quiet, or when I don’t know where you or Tyler are, I get anxious.”
“Why me?”
“Because you haven’t been yourself since we lost Colby. I’ve been terrified that you’re going to make the same choice he did and I’m going to lose you, too.”
Liz stopped chopping carrots and turned to Josh. She touched his arm and when he turned to face her, she cradled both sides of this face in her palms.
“I have wished that death would come and take me a few times in the last few months, if I’m being honest. I have not, however, contemplated ways to hurt myself or even kill myself. I may hate that Colby is gone, but I am going to find my feet and figure out what my life will look like now. What our life will look like now.”
Josh pulled her into his arms and kissed the side of her face. He tipped his chin down and let his forehead fall to her shoulder. Tears flowed from his eyes and his body shook against hers.
“Oh Elizabeth, I need you. I can’t do this without you. I needed to know that you hadn’t thought of killing yourself, too.”
Liz wrapped her arms around her husband and held him. She leaned her face against his head and swayed from side to side. When they slowly pulled away from each other, Liz ran her hands under the water at the sink, and then she stepped over to the roaster to check on the ham. She started laughing.
“What’s funny?” Josh asked.
“We never turned it on. The ham is still cold.”
Josh laughed, too.
“It’s on now,” Liz said. “But that means food won’t be ready for another three hours. We can slow down on all of this prep work.”
“Let’s just get it done, and then we can relax.”
“Relax, what is this word you speak of?”
“I think I need someone to show me what it means.”
Tyler walked to the edge of the kitchen and rubbed his fingers through his messy, brown hair. “Yes, you do. In my sixteen years of life, I’ve never seen you relax. It’s like you are incapable of it.”
“Hey now,” Josh said.
“Merry Christmas guys,” Tyler said.
“Merry Christmas,” Josh and Liz spoke in unison.
“We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I can reheat one for you, if you want,” Josh offered.
“When is all the other stuff going to be ready?”
“Not for about three hours. We forgot to turn the ham on,” Liz said with a chuckle.
“Which part of ‘we’ forgot that key step?” Tyler asked.
“I did,” Liz confessed.
“What about opening presents?” Tyler said with a mischievous grin.
“Aren’t we supposed to make you eat breakfast and brush your teeth first?” Josh teased.
“Scrub the floors, switch the laundry, walk the dog,” Liz chimed in.
“We’ve never even had a dog,” Tyler lamented.
“But if we did,” Liz said.
“We should get a dog. We have a horse now, which completely wrecks your whole no-pets rule. We should get a dog. And if you never get attached, I can just take the dog with me when I move out in a couple of years,” Tyler said.
“You’re never moving out. Which means the dog is never moving out. Which means no,” Josh said.
“But you have a horse,” Tyler reminded again.
“But it doesn’t come inside my house, pee on my carpets, and dig up my yard,” Josh said.
“I don’t know, a dog could be fun. Especially a puppy,” Liz mused.
“Don’t feed into this,” Josh said.
“Please Dad? Please?”
“Cinnamon rolls or presents?”
“Presents! Did I get a puppy Dad? Dad did you get me a puppy?”
As Josh walked toward the living room, Tyler side-skipped beside him, tugging on his arm.
“Dad, where is my puppy? All I wanted for Christmas was a puppy!”
“I said no dogs.”
“What about a kitten?”
“No Tyler,” Josh grumbled.
Liz knew the joke was over, so she started passing out presents to try to distract everybody. It took no time at all for everyone to open their gifts. The latest technology for Tyler, a new tie for Dad, slippers for Mom. The usual things filled the boxes that were wrapped with glittering and shiny paper. When it was over with and the mess was picked up, Josh caught Liz around the waist.
“What if we take a trip? We always talked about seeing New York again, or making it to Yellowstone finally. None of those presents meant anything. It was just the stuff we think we have to buy because it’s Christmas.”
“A trip might be nice.” Liz stared past Josh, far away in her mind.
“What are you remembering, love?”
“Christmas past. Do you remember reading the Bible on Christmas morning for years? When did we stop doing that?”
“I have no idea.”
Tyler walked over to the tall bookcase in the living room. His hand moved through the air, tracking where his eyes read the titles. He reached up on the top shelf and pulled a Bible down. He blew the dust from the top of it.
“Why don’t you read to us again, Dad?”
Josh sat on the middle cushion of the couch, and Liz curled up on his right. Tyler sat to his left and peered over his dad’s shoulder as he cracked the Bible open and sought the book of Luke. He began reading in chapter two. “‘At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, to whom he was engaged, who was now expecting a child. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her firstborn son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them. That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.” Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.’”
“Thank you for agreeing to do this,” Liz said.
“It’s kind of my job.” Christy pointed to the tying posts. “Tie Dusty there. We’ll brush her and saddle her like we did yesterday.”
“Sure thing, boss lady.”
Doing as she’d been instructed, Liz tied the mare’s lead rope to the post. Getting the bucket of brushes from the barn, she took her time brushing the lovely, golden mare.
“Easy girl.”
“That’s a good girl.”
“Pretty Dusty.”
Liz talked softly and hummed as she brushed bits of hay and dirt out of the mare’s fuzzy coat. Despite being near the end of December, the sun warmed the air and Liz only wore a light jacket. She went back into the tack barn for the saddle and pad. When she reached the tie posts again, she held the saddle pad up. Turning her head, Dusty stuck her muzzle against the felt pad and blew a heavy breath out, then sniffed it.
“Christy said you like to investigate your pad and not to let you carry on too long. Do you like to smell this sweaty old thing, silly girl?”
With her nose still stuck to the pad, Dusty whiffed heavily against it for several big breaths before Liz pulled it away and swung it over her back.
“How about the saddle? It’s leather. I like the smell of leather.”
Dusty only blew lightly on the saddle one time before turning her head away. Liz used all her might to hoist the heavy western saddle up on Dusty’s back. She wiggled it to make sure it was sitting on her back in the right spot.
“Do you remember how to do the rest of that?” Christy asked.
“No, I was hoping you would take over from here.”
“I will talk you through it, how about that?”
“Sounds like a deal.”
Christy gave clear, calm instructions and Liz followed them well. Once Dusty was fully saddled, Liz was able to bridle Dusty by listening to Christy’s directions. Disappearing into the barn, Christy returned with a helmet for Liz to wear.
“Let’s protect that noggin,” she said.
“Okay.”
Liz situated the helmet on her head, adjusting it until it fit snug but not too tight. Christy led the way to the arena and Liz held tightly to Dusty’s reins as she walked along behind her.
“I’ll ride her around, warm her up, and let you watch the way she moves. Then today, you are going to actually get on her,” Christy said.
Liz nodded stiffly. Her heart thumped faster in her chest and her fingers tingled. She handed the reins off and stepped back. Christy checked the cinch and tightened the saddle another notch. Then she ran the reins up each side of Dusty’s neck. With one hand full of reins and mane, she stuck her foot in the stirrup, reached for the cantle and hopped up, swinging her leg over Dusty’s back. She settled gently down into the saddle.
“You make that look easy.”
“Practice,” Christy said.
“Practice is like the secret to life, isn’t it?”
“Pretty much.”
Christy smiled at Liz and then asked Dusty to walk. She held the reins in one hand as she took Dusty around the arena at a steady walk. After a thorough warm-up, Christy asked Dusty to pick up the pace. She worked her in both directions at a trot and then she asked the sweet mare to lope a couple of circles. On stopping, she asked her to back up several steps. Dusty worked quietly and obediently. Christy rode her back over to Liz, patted Dusty’s neck and told her she did a good job. She swung her leg over the saddle, kicked her remaining foot free of the stirrup, and dropped to the ground.
“Colby picked a really nice horse. He listened to me before he bought one and let me help him try a few out. Dusty is a good one. Originally, he wanted something with…” Christy paused. “I’m trying to remember how he said it. A little more spirit, I think. I told him for a first horse he was just asking to get hurt. He fell in love with Dusty the moment he met her. It’s a good thing she isn’t nuts. He was going to buy her no matter what.”
“I think you said that before.”
“Probably did.”
Liz rubbed the blond face of the horse she, too, was growing to love more every day. Christy pointed over Liz’s shoulder.
“Until you get the hang of swinging your leg over, I want you to use the mounting block. Just walk up the steps and watch your reins, she’ll step up to pick you up. It’s one of her specialties.”
Climbing up the steps, Liz watched the mare tentatively. Dusty stepped forward and then to the side, putting herself in the right place for Liz to put her foot in the stirrup. Her hands trembled and she stepped down from the top step.
“I don’t think I’m ready.”
“I know you’re ready.” Christy stepped up on Liz’s left side and reached forward, gently holding the reins.
Liz took a deep breath to bolster her confidence. She stepped up on the top step again and stuck her toe through the opening in the stirrup. She leaned into it and swung her leg over the saddle. By the time her derrière touched the seat, she clamped her eyes shut tight. She held the saddle horn with both hands and sat stiff as a board atop the sweet buckskin mare.
“Are you going to open your eyes at some point?” Christy asked when Liz remained stiff with her eyes shut tight.
“No, no, I don’t think so.”
“Do you think Dusty’s going to run off wildly bucking across the arena?”
“No, no. That’s not it.”
“Do you think you’re going to fall off?”
“Uhhh, maybe.”
“Open your eyes Liz.”
Liz gulped, but obeyed and slowly peeled her eyes open. “It’s so high up here.”
“Are you afraid of heights?”
Nodding slowly, her thin frame remained rigid.
“I’m going to walk her forward. You must relax a little to flow with her movements. Try taking a deep breath.”
Liz inhaled deeply but held her breath.
Christy shook her head. “Breathe out, Liz.”
She exhaled sharply and her shoulders softened.
“Here we go.”
Christy started Dusty walking forward at an easy pace. Clinging to the saddle horn with a death grip, Liz resisted the urge to clamp her eyes shut tight. With each gentle step that Dusty took, Liz settled into the saddle and began to relax. She even started to look around at her surroundings. Her hips started to move with the gentle swaying motion of the mare and Liz could feel the rhythm of her steps. Dusty was quiet, walking with her head just back from Christy’s elbow, taking easy steps, she was attentive to both women in her care.
“Easy girl.” Liz found herself falling into the soft utterances she shared with Dusty when she brushed her.
Christy listened to Liz and could sense her relaxing, but she just walked in a steady pace around the arena. After the second lap she brought Dusty to a stop.
“How ya feelin’, cowgirl?” Christy grinned.
“Incredible. I can’t believe I’m really riding a horse.”
“Pat her neck, let her know she did a good job for you.”
“Of course.” Releasing one hand from the saddle horn, Liz leaned forward and rubbed Dusty’s neck. “That’s a good girl. Thank you Dusty.”
“Do you want to try to take her around on your own?”
“Baby steps, Christy. This has been fabulous. Let’s end here and we’ll try again tomorrow.”
“Most people only take a lesson once a week.”
“I want to try again tomorrow if you have time. I’ll pay your fee. Josh won’t mind.”
“I wasn’t worried about the fee. You’ve been a great boarder, especially given the circumstances.”