Liz lifted her wet hands out of the dishwater as her phone started ringing in her back pocket. Josh pulled it out of her pocket for her as she dried her hands.
“It’s Christy.”
“Answer it.”
“Hello?”
“Hey, Josh?”
“Hey, yeah it’s Josh. Liz was washing dishes.”
“No problem. How are you today?”
“I’m good, her hands are dry now. Here she is.”
“Hey Christy, what’s up?”
“Hey Liz. I know I’ve seen you and Tammy talking at the barn and even riding together.”
“Yeah, Tammy and I are friends.”
“She and I never really hit it off, if I’m being honest. But she’s in kind of a rough spot.”
“Oh, what’s going on?”
“I don’t have all the details, but Ella is in Children’s Hospital. I know Tammy doesn’t have a lot of people looking out for her, but I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. Do you think she would appreciate you stopping by? I mean, if you want to, that is?”
“Yeah, I can swing by. Is she just there for the night or is it something more serious?”
“I don’t really know. She just sent me a text and asked me to feed Sunny and Mac until further notice, and when I asked what was wrong, all I got was that she’s at the hospital with Ella.”
“Okay, not a problem. I’ll head up there in a couple of hours.”
“Thanks, Liz.”
Liz ended the call and set her phone on the kitchen counter. She plunged her hands into the hot dishwater and began scrubbing a plate.
“Is everything okay, love?”
Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.
“Liz?”
Scrub. Scrub.
“Elizabeth,” Josh spoke louder the third time.
“Yeah, what?” She snapped her head in his direction and looked at him with wide eyes.
“Is everything okay?”
“I don’t really know. My friend Tammy is at Children’s with her daughter. Christy doesn’t know why but said she and Tammy never really clicked. I’m going to put together a bag of goodies and head up there…after I finish these dishes.”
“Let me finish the dishes, love. You go see your friend. Let me know if I need to do anything, alright?”
Liz pulled her hands out of the dishwater and dried them again. She kissed Josh on the cheek as she walked past him. “Thank you. I will be home later. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Liz headed out the door and drove the long way around to go by the store for a few essentials for Tammy and Ella. As she drove from the store to the hospital, she found herself pleading with God to spare Ella’s life.
“God…Lord, please, please spare Tammy the pain of losing her daughter. Please let Ella pull through this. Heal her body. Help her mom help her and find answers. Give them Your wisdom and guidance. Make Yourself known to them in this time. This is obviously a scary time for this family. Please don’t make them live through what we have. Please help me. Help me be strong and have the right words. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
That’s a little presumptuous of you Liz. Ella probably just needs her appendix out or something silly.
She grabbed the bag of things she picked up and made her way to the hospital entrance. Christy had texted her a room number and she entered the elevator for the upward journey. The elevator dinged to signal her arrival at the eighth floor and the doors opened, letting her out around the corner from the nurses’ desk. She stared at the little box with the button to push to ask a nurse to let her through. She hesitated and even closed her eyes, asking God again for strength. Finally, she pressed the button and waited for the nurse’s voice to come through the speaker.
“May I help you?”
“Yes. I’m here to see Tammy and Ella, in room—”
“Come in,” the nurse interrupted.
The door made a loud humming noise and Liz pulled the door open. She walked through and adjusted the reusable shopping bag on her shoulder. The nurse at the desk pointed toward a PICU room. The glass door was slid open, but the inner curtain, blocking the view in or out, was closed.
“Knock knock,” Liz said.
“Come in,” came Tammy’s voice from within.
Liz pushed the curtain aside just enough to get in, then she closed it behind her. Ella lay in the hospital bed, on a ventilator, with an IV, and cords running every which way from her body to keep tabs on her vitals. Liz stood frozen, staring at her friend’s young daughter.
“Liz, how did you know to come?” Tammy’s questioning voice broke into her thoughts.
“Christy told me. She said she didn’t know what happened, but she thought I might like to visit. I’m glad she called me.” Liz crossed the room and came around on the far side of the bed, where Tammy was standing. She wrapped her arms around her friend and hugged her tightly.
“I’m sorry you’re here tonight. This is never a fun place to be,” Liz said.
“She tried to…” Tammy swallowed hard and her hands shook. She sat on the bench beneath the window, and started speaking again, “She tried to take her own life. They don’t know if she’s going to make it.”
A war waged over Liz’s mind. One side fighting to draw her into the memories of Colby lying in the hospital bed and how she felt wondering if her son would live. The other side fought to keep Liz in the present moment, available to her friend, and focused on Ella’s condition. Although it was no small feat, Liz managed to push back the thoughts of Colby. She reached out to hold Tammy’s hand. “That’s an awful feeling.”
“It really is. They don’t want me touching her too much, overstimulating her brain by touching her or talking to her.”
“They’re trying to give her brain a chance to heal.”
“That’s what they said.” Tammy sighed and stared at the floor. “I don’t know why this happened. I have no idea why.”
“You may never have an answer to that question, I’m sorry.”
“Did you ever learn why?”
“Not definitively. I’m satisfied with my own theories at this point. But it’s been almost a year and I still have moments where I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day.”
“The doctor told me it will be seventy-two hours before we know if she’s going to survive.”
“That’s a long time when you’re waiting.”
“So long, it feels like it’s going to drag on for eternity.”
“Unless you vehemently refuse, I’m going to stay with you tonight. Maybe you can rest while I sit with Ella and then we can trade off.”
“I don’t know, you have a family to get home to.”
“Tammy, they don’t need me tonight. You and Ella do. Is her dad coming?”
“He didn’t even answer his phone when I called to tell him. Hasn’t returned my call, either. It’s been six or seven hours.”
“I’m sorry, sweet friend.”
She slid the reusable shopping bag off her shoulder and passed it to Tammy. “I stopped and grabbed you a few things. Some tea that’s good for stress. Snacks. Good toilet paper—you know the stuff here sucks. And if you are going to be here a few days… you need good toilet paper. There’s a blanket in there. And a set of pajamas and some hard-bottomed slippers. I can run and get anything else you think you might need. Or call Josh to drop stuff off so I can stay with you.”
“I think I’m good tonight, thank you Elizabeth.”
“You can call me Liz.”
“Liz? I’d heard your husband call you Liz a few times, but I thought maybe that name was reserved for him and only him. I didn’t want to test my luck.”
“No, it’s not reserved for only him. I’ve gone by Liz my entire life. As I’ve grown more accustomed to the loss of Colby, I felt like I was someone completely different than I had ever been before. I wanted a new name to go with it. It’s taken some time to merge who I was with who I am. I had to really come to terms with the fact that in ten years, I’ll be different than I am now and I’m different than I was ten years ago. I introduced myself a few times as Elizabeth, even had a whole spiel about it at group therapy to explain how hard it is to switch your name as an adult.”
“Probably pretty hard,” Tammy mused.
“Pretty hard.”
Liz and Tammy switched off throughout the night. Even though they alternated lying down and watching over Ella, neither of them slept a wink all night. Tammy slipped down to the cafeteria for a bite of breakfast. When she returned, Liz did the same thing. Then they waited with their tushes glued to the seat in front of the window.
The doctor made his rounds about nine that morning and Tammy listened intently to his assessment. He still wasn’t sure if Ella would recover and he wanted to wait three days to do an MRI. He did request that the nurses dial back the sedation she was on for two different trials that morning.
“I’ll be back between noon and one this afternoon to see how she handled those tests, okay?” the doctor said.
“Okay, thank you,” Tammy managed.
It was only a few minutes between the doctor’s departure and the nurse arriving.
“I’m going to turn off her sedation and see how asleep she is on her own,” the nurse said.
“Okay, does this hurt her at all?”
“If she’s in any pain, we will know from doing this. She may thrash about, so be prepared for that. It’s hard to know what she will do. Thankfully, this medicine wears off quickly and starts working quickly so if it’s too much we can turn it back on right away. If she isn’t in too much pain or thrashing too much, we are supposed to leave it off for a full hour now, then from eleven-fifteen to twelve-fifteen we are supposed to do the same thing.”
“Will this delay her brain healing?” Tammy asked.
“No. The sooner we can get her off the sedatives, the better. They have worse side effects the longer we give them.”
“Okay.” Tammy nodded.
The nurse turned the sedative drip off and recorded the time on a little piece of paper. She stood vigilantly beside Ella’s bed.
“Miss Hale, you can come stand beside her,” the nurse said.
Tammy moved at once to get closer and she curled her hands around Ella’s still hand.
“She may wake up and be somewhat coherent, although she likely won’t remember anything from this time later,” the nurse said.
“I just stayed over by the window because last night I was told not to overstimulate her by touching her or even talking to her. I wanted to hold her hand all night.”
“That nurse should have clarified. Holding her hand would have been fine. I’m sorry you didn’t know that.”
Tammy opened her mouth to speak but Ella’s arms both jerked and she turned her attention from the nurse to her daughter. Ella’s legs jerked next and she twisted in the bed.
“It’s okay Ella. My name is Amelia and I’m your nurse. Your mom is right here,” Amelia spoke in a gentle way and nodded for Tammy to speak.
“Hey baby girl, momma is right here. I love you so much. I can’t wait to see your beautiful eyes again.”
Ella’s eyes remained closed, but she shook her head. She pulled at her restraints, and it seemed as though she wanted to reach for the ventilator.
“Why are her hands restrained?” Tammy asked through her tears.
“To prevent her from dislodging her ventilator or IVs,” Amelia answered.
Liz quietly rose from her seat and walked over to Tammy. She knelt beside her friend and rubbed her back. She prayed hard, still pleading with God to spare Ella, to wake her up in the moment, to let Tammy see her daughter’s eyes.
“Ella, you are in the hospital. You are on a ventilator to help you breathe. We are doing everything we can to help you,” Amelia’s voice was soothing and calm.
Tammy squeezed Ella’s hand. She stood up and leaned over her, kissing her forehead. “I’m right here, sweet daughter. I’m right here. I’ve been with you all night and I’m not leaving. Liz came up, too. Well, Elizabeth. We can call her Liz. I can’t wait to tell you all about it. You are important, Ella. You are wanted. You are strong.”
“Keep speaking life over her,” Liz encouraged.
Ella’s eyes fluttered. Her lids lifted then drooped again. Tammy stared at her daughter’s face and told herself to smile. Ella’s eyelids fluttered again then snapped wide open. She stared at her mom for a long minute and Tammy whispered to her about how she loved her and how important Ella was to her. The nurse said quietly, “Okay, Tammy. Let’s give her quiet. Hold her hand though, don’t let go.”
Amelia dimmed the lights in the room and watched all the numbers on the machines vigilantly. The remaining forty minutes of the hour-long test passed with Ella awake and looking from the nurse to her mom to Liz. Amelia told her what a great job she did and that everyone would see her again soon, but she was going to rest for another hour. She turned the sedative drip back on and Ella drifted back to sleep within minutes.
The second trial went very similarly to the first trial. Tammy felt hopeful after the end of the second one. She sat at the window with Liz and whispered about how it seemed like it must be good that she wakes up and is so alert. The doctor tapped on the glass door.
“Knock knock,” he said.
“Come in,” Tammy said. She stood up and met the doctor at Ella’s bedside.
“She handled those tests so well that we are going to turn off her sedative and test her breathing. She was breathing over the machine on those two tests. We think she might come off the ventilator today.”
“So, you think she might be okay?”
“I’m not sure. She took a lot of strong medications and while we’ve been pumping fluids through her and doing what we can to help her body get over it, she may have lasting damage that we can’t see yet. Let’s work on getting her awake and extubated. Then we will start running other tests as we can and as she tolerates them.”
“Thank you, Doctor Hickey. Thank you very much.”
“You’re welcome Miss Hale. I’ll be back around after dinner. Make sure you order the parent tray even if she can’t eat yet. Once she’s extubated, she can have clear liquids until I see her again. But you can eat the complimentary parent tray. We just ask that you eat in the waiting room, to not agitate her.”
“Okay, thank you again.”
The doctor tipped his head and ducked past the curtain. He relayed his orders to the nurse at the station. Liz and Tammy could hear his voice but couldn’t make out all his words.
Tammy squeezed Ella’s hand and said softly, “Did you hear all of that?”
“That all sounded like good news to me,” Liz said.
It didn’t take long for Amelia to come back and turn off the sedative. “I’m going to wait here until she’s awake and make sure she’s calm, then I’ll be in and out. Once she is fully awake, we will always have the curtain open and someone will be assigned to sit with her.”
“In case something goes wrong?”
Amelia shook her head. “It will likely be a tech that sits with you all. He or she will be quiet and probably read or study while they sit in here. But it’s because she’s under suicide watch once she’s awake.”
Tammy covered her mouth and stood frozen, staring at Amelia. Liz stepped up beside her and wrapped her arm around her friend.
“Do…” Tammy swallowed hard and dropped her hand. “…do you see a lot of second attempts in the hospital?”
“More than I care to think about,” Amelia said.
“Thank you for being honest.” Tammy sounded deflated. She looked over at Liz with wide, scared eyes.
“One moment at a time,” Liz told her, “one foot in front of the other. We go on from here slowly, but most importantly, we go on.”
THE END