“Are you sure about this?” Liz asked Josh.
The couple stood hand in hand, staring through the sliding glass door that led into their backyard.
“Not really, but I think it’s a good idea. I told Tyler to invite a couple of friends. Stephanie is coming. I invited Aaron and Holly. My parents, your parents, they are all coming for a backyard cookout, today.”
“I invited Pastor Garon and Christy. I invited Martha, too. She said it wasn’t a good idea because I’m a patient.”
“Privacy laws and such. If she sees another client here, then you’ll both be inclined to ask her about each other and that’s a big no.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I think I want to go back to school to be a counselor. I’ve been reading a lot about it.”
“What?!” Liz shrieked. She turned to face Josh and popped up on her toes, kissing him and wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.
“I didn’t know what you would say,” he confessed.
“That’s amazing, honey. I know we can afford to live for a couple of years while you go to school.”
“I was thinking I would take online classes. But I would prefer to leave the firm and focus on school and you and Tyler.”
“I love everything about this, Josh.”
“Thank you, love.”
They turned to face the sliding glass door and they booth peered out into the grassy backyard.
“I’m glad you had the neighbor boy keeping up with the yard,” Liz said.
“Me too.”
She reached her hand forward and grasped the handle. He leaned forward and dislodged the locking bar that ran from the door to the frame. They squeezed their hands tightly together and she eased the door open. Hot, humid July air raged past them and they both stood still, letting the chilly air from the house war with the sultry air from outside.
Unbeknownst to Josh and Liz, Tyler stood at the edge of the hallway and he watched their every move. Seconds ticked by. Josh swung their arms once like that might move their feet. Liz rocked her weight. The giant tree grew up out of the ground and its branches hung still in the humid summer air.
“It almost looks like a demon, taunting us,” Liz whispered.
“It’s just a tree. It holds no power and it’s nothing more than an object, and a victim, of opportunity.”
“You said you were going to cut it down.”
“I did say that. Then I just kind of wanted time to freeze. The forward tick of the clock made me angry, because every second forward was a second further away from our son.”
“I felt it too,” Liz said.
Josh led them through the open door, onto the concrete patio, and then onto the lush, dark green grass. He tugged a slow, resistant Liz behind him.
“We have a lot of memories back here, even despite all the time I spent away from you all,” he said.
Liz felt the soft grass on her bare feet, and she tipped her head back to look at the rich, blue sky. Josh led her forward still and she saw the tree coming closer and her legs felt as though they were rusted. Each step was stiff, slow, and painful, but with Josh gently guiding her forward, she took the hard steps.
Josh reached out and laid his hand on the rough bark of the large tree. He coaxed Liz forward and when she was near enough, he released her hand and slid his arm around her.
Tyler strode across the grass and approached his parents. “What are you doing?”
“I thought I’d pray,” Josh said.
“Pray? Pray that God rips this tree out of the yard and throws it in the ocean, I hope?”
“No, Tyler.” Josh studied his youngest son’s face. “I thought I’d pray that God would still the rage in our hearts and help us forgive the tree, Him, Colby.”
“I don’t need to forgive Colby, I’m not mad at him.” Tyler crossed his arms over his chest.
“I need to forgive Colby.” Liz reached her hand out for Tyler.
Tyler shook his head and stared his mom down. She swirled her hand through the air in a come here motion. Josh waited quietly. Compelled forward despite fighting and ignoring it, Tyler walked closer, until Liz could put her arm around him. He reached his far hand up and put it on the tree near Josh’s.
“Dear Father,” Josh cleared his throat, “Abba, God, we know You make good things and we know You made trees. Please help us forgive this tree for our son’s death. Please help us to forgive You, Lord. Please help us forgive Colby. We ask You to soften our hearts, give us Your peace that surpasses understanding. Show us how to be a light to others who may be hurting or carrying this grief we are familiar with. Use us, Lord. And heal us, please. In Jesus’ holy name we pray, amen.”
“Amen,” Liz and Tyler agreed.
Three long, white tables sprawled across the backyard, with chairs on both sides of each table. Red, white, and blue tablecloths adorned the tables. Mylar balloons stretched toward the sky flapping about in their patriotic red, white, and blue colors. The tables were decorated with various Fourth of July decorations. Josh checked the charcoal on the grill and told Liz it was about ready for meat.
“I think I saw Stephanie pulling up outside,” Liz said.
Tyler brought out paper plates, napkins, and cutlery. He placed it all on the table on the patio, protected from most wind and shaded from the sun.
“Should I bring out the ketchup and stuff now?” he asked.
“Not just yet. Wait until people start arriving. Do you want to man the front door?”
“I can do that.” He disappeared through the doorway and back into the house.
“This feels like the right way to celebrate Colby’s birthday,” Liz said to Josh. She watched him spread the hot coals around evenly.
“It seems better than anything else I dreamed up.”
“Do you want to go watch the fireworks tonight?” Liz asked.
“I would like that. They are the best downtown.”
“I like them there, too. Do you think Tyler will come along?”
“I heard him talking about going over to Sam’s house after the cookout, but we can ask him.” Josh lowered the grill lid over the meat.
“Okay, I’m going to finish cutting up the onions and tomatoes.”
Moments after Liz disappeared through the glass door, Stephanie came out with a tray of meat in one hand and a gift in her other. “Liz said you were ready for meat.”
“I thought she was making a statement that I could get it myself.” Josh chuckled.
“Uh oh, are you two okay?”
“Absolutely. I was just making a joke.”
“You’ve been too serious my whole life to start with the jokes now.”
“Dad jokes abound, be warned.”
“Where should I put this?”
“You didn’t need to get a gift.” He looked at the table with the utensils, then out across the tables in the yard. “Maybe inside on the island?”
“Sounds good.”
Josh heard a friendly greeting at the doorway and as Stephanie disappeared inside, Aaron came outside.
“Happy Fourth,” Aaron said, lifting his soda can in the air.
“Happy Fourth.” Josh lifted the spatula in his hand. Holly and Olivia followed Aaron out to sit at one of the tables.
Liz came through the door with a clean tray for Josh. She looked out at her brother and his family and watched them for a quiet moment.
“Josh,” she said softly and scooted closer to him, “do you think this is weird for anyone?”
“Liz, I don’t think we ever told everyone where Colby did it, or even how. Stephanie knows, but I don’t know that anyone else does.”
“Are we ashamed? Is that why?”
“It’s gruesome. No one needs a full recounting of the details to know how awful it was. The words death by suicide carry the immense weight of what happened.”
“Okay.”
He leaned over and kissed her cheek softly.
Tyler stuck his head out of the open door. “Gramps and Memaw are here.”
“Send them this way,” Josh said.
Stephanie reappeared with her arms full of condiments. She arranged them all on the table behind Josh and went back inside for more. Liz followed her in. She stopped to hug her mom and dad.
“Did you bring it?” Liz asked.
“I almost thought better of it, given how much it upset you at Thanksgiving. But yes, I brought it. Tyler is going out to the car to bring it in.”
“Thank you, Mom. I’m sorry about Thanksgiving.” Liz hugged her mom again.
“I’ll go figure out a good spot for it,” Memaw said.
Stephanie waved at Liz and asked her to help carry a few things out to the table. “Gramma and Papa are here; I don’t know if you saw.”
“Good.”
“Are we expecting anybody else?”
“Pastor Garon should be here. Christy, too. Tyler invited a couple of friends, but they could be hiding in his room. You know how teenagers are about hanging with boring old adults,” Liz answered.
The two of them carried the last of the necessities outside. Liz saw Tyler helping Memaw get the picture of Colby set up near the tree. She nodded as a gentle peace flecked goosebumps over her skin and up her neck, making her scalp tingle. Josh and Liz locked eyes for a moment, and she knew he felt it too.
Christy came out through the sliding glass door and wrapped Liz in a hug. “What a beautiful way you picked to celebrate today. You are one strong woman.”
“I’m glad you came,” Liz said.
Stephanie laid her hand on Liz’s shoulder and she turned to look at her. Liz saw Pastor Garon standing there and she smiled, reaching to shake his hand. “I’m glad you are here,” she said warmly.
“It’s good to be here. It’s good to see so many faces ready to celebrate Colby, too.”
Liz nodded her agreement and embraced the pastor’s wife. Josh started pulling meat off the grill and putting it in pans with lids.
“Pastor Garon, will you bless the meal for us?” Liz asked him.
“Absolutely. Are we ready?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Hey everyone,” Pastor Garon got everyone’s attention, “we are here today to celebrate the life of a special young man who we all miss so much. Before we start filling our plates, I’d like to bless this meal and this family, if you don’t mind.” He surveyed the crowd for objections but there weren’t any.
“Dear God, we come before You this afternoon to eat a meal and celebrate the life of a man we all miss. Please bless this food, bless this home, and bless this family. Please let today be marked by Your peace and comfort and presence. Remind us that our sadness on earth is limited and help us to focus on You always. In Jesus’ Name, amen.”
“Amen,” all the people agreed.
“Come start making your plates,” he said.
Liz brought a crockpot full of hot baked beans out. Stephanie followed her with a big bowl of potato salad. A couple of people at a time made their way up to the table behind Josh to make their plates. As Liz suspected, Tyler retrieved his friends from his bedroom to get food.
“I don’t want them eating in your room,” Liz told Tyler.
“I know the rules Mom.”
Josh finished grilling the last of the meat and then he helped Liz make sure everyone had a plate of food and something cold to drink. Together, they fixed their own dinner plates.
“I think I’m going to say a few words, tell everyone about going back to school, thank them for coming,” Josh said.
“Sounds good.” Liz sat next to Stephanie at the table on the left and Josh set his food on the table next to her.
He called everyone to attention again. “I can’t tell you how much we appreciate you all being here. I know Liz and I have been private with our grief, the holidays were rough, and I want to apologize. We are just starting to really get our heads around how much our lives have changed. We miss Colby every single day. This is the first time either of us have been in the backyard since Colby took his life. To say it’s been hard would be a gross understatement.” Josh cleared his throat. “But we are here, trying to make something of this life. Celebrating Colby’s birthday was a big decision. It just doesn’t feel the same without him here, but it didn’t seem right to let this day pass by like it isn’t significant. To honor Colby, and to help other families facing this kind of grief, I’ve decided to go back to college. I’m going to be a counselor so I can help other people. It is the best way I can think to do something with this experience, this part of our story.”
Hands came together in the rhythm of applause and there wasn’t a dry eye in the yard except for maybe a couple of teenage boys who hadn’t even quit eating their burgers while Josh spoke.
Tyler stood up and walked over to his dad. He gave him a great big hug. “I’m proud of you Dad. You know, I haven’t been back here since then either, today is the first time. It seems like the right day to be back here again.”
“Yes, it does,” Josh agreed.
Everyone clapped again.
“Enjoy the food. There is plenty, so please get more. Make sure you fill up.” Josh sat down next to Liz and she leaned over, resting her head briefly on his shoulder.
“I’m with Tyler, I’m proud of you. And today does feel right,” she said.
“It’s a big thing to go back to school big brother, I’m impressed.” Stephanie leaned around Liz to smile at Josh.
Everyone enjoyed the food; several people even made their way back to the table for a second plate. Once it seemed everyone was about finished, Liz and Stephanie made a quick lap for plates and trash. Then they went inside. It took several minutes for them to reappear, and when they did, they held a birthday cake between them. Twenty-two candles flickered in the hot summer air, and Liz and Stephanie were singing the happy birthday song.
Everyone sang along and Liz and Stephanie brought the cake over in front of Tyler. “Will you blow out the candles for your brother?” Liz asked.
Tyler nodded his head, took in a deep breath, and he blew out all the candles on the first pass.