Just recently I was conducting a seminar for a law firm. The room was filled with fifty participants, most of whom were young associates. I was showing the group the books I would raffle off at the end of the session when I came to a copy of Essential Manners for Men. As soon as I announced the title, a hush went over the room and then a soft sound emerged—the sound of fifty voices snickering in unison.
Yes, I know. Men could use manners. And yes, it’s really funny thinking that any man would bother to read the book. Yet they did—in numbers great enough that it actually landed on the New York Times bestseller list for advice books.
What I’ve learned after talking to countless men about etiquette is that they really do want information. They want it in a nonjudgmental fashion. They want to hear the ideas and then make up their own minds about what advice they’ll adopt. And they need to understand why. Without a “why” behind the advice, they’ll never change a behavior.
SURVEYS IN 2002 AND 2011
In order to understand what men do well and where they’re screwing up, I conducted a survey in 2002 for the first edition and then repeated it in 2011 for the second edition. The surveys focused on daily life, social life, and work life, and most of the questions were the same so as to identify trends over time.
Some issues, such as treating women with respect and the importance of manners, held true over time, while others, like putting the toilet seat down, have clearly changed over the last decade. The chapters that follow will delve into those similarities and differences.
In addition, one sweeping change occurred: Men, especially younger men, are hungry for information that will help them be more successful personally and professionally. I’ve seen it over and over in the seminars, speeches, and interviews I give, but I didn’t have any concrete data to back it up—until now.
While only 14 percent of the respondents in 2002 were men, men made up 46 percent of the 2011 survey. That is a huge shift. Bear in mind that we let the public know about the survey through our monthly newsletter, our Web site, our Facebook page, our Twitter page, and by word of mouth. The majority, if not vast majority, of people we touch this way are women. Yet somehow men found out about the survey, and they responded. Perhaps girlfriends pointed it out to them. Or significant others suggested they take the survey. Frankly, I don’t know. What I do know is men responded. And in having those responses, I could look at differing opinions between men and women. Those differences are mentioned throughout the book.
SURVEY SAYS
When You Behave Well, People Notice
To learn more about how people viewed men’s behavior, in 2002 we posted four surveys on our Emily Post Institute Web site: daily life, social life, work life, and special occasions. The results of those surveys helped delineate the topics in the first edition. In 2011 we surveyed daily life, social life, and work life again to see what had changed.
Most striking was the increase in the percentage of male respondents. In 2002 only 14 percent were men, while in 2011, 46 percent were men. And 44 percent of the men were twenty to twenty-nine years old.
Young men who responded to the 2011 survey affected the total number of married respondents. In 2002, 66 percent were married but in 2011 that number dropped to 53 percent. Conversely, the number of “Single, never been married” respondents jumped from 16 percent in 2002 to 30 percent in 2011.
For all the variations in gender, age, and marital status, one consistent theme emerged in both sets of surveys: Women want men to treat them with respect, and they notice and value men who have good manners. When a man treats others with respect, his image shines in their eyes.
The 2011 survey also saw an increased emphasis on cleanliness. Women didn’t just bash on men, they also let us know what impresses them. Interestingly, men who don’t leave a mess and who help clean up got very high marks.
It’s Not Just Young Men
While on my tour in 2003, I quickly learned the need for the information in this book. One of the first men to buy the book at a signing came up to the table and pulled me aside. “I’m so glad I got here,” he said. “I want your book. I’m forty, recently divorced, and now I’m having to get back into the dating game after twenty years of being out of it.”
So, men, you’re not alone. Men of all ages and in all different stages of relationships are in solidarity with you. They want to know what to do and say so they don’t embarrass themselves. They don’t want someone telling them what to do, but they do like having someone lay out the options, the possibilities, and then letting them cogitate on it and decide what’s best for them.
Funny enough, that’s what etiquette really is: understanding what to do and what to expect others to do in return so your focus is on building the relationship.