Good. You’ve made it this far.
Getting past that “E” word is important. Whenever I give a talk, the first thing I do is ask the audience to define “etiquette.” Their response is always the same: “Etiquette is a bunch of rules”…“Etiquette is the stuff my mother used to make me do”…“Etiquette is the old-fashioned way of doing things.”
Meanwhile, they’re thinking: “Who needs this stuff?”
Emily Post, my great-grandmother, knew what etiquette really was all about. Sure, she wrote a famous etiquette book, which people imagine is filled with rules. And it’s true, there are a lot of specific guidelines (Emily called them manners) that dictate how people should act in a given situation. But these guidelines exist for a purpose: to help smooth the way for positive interactions between people by prescribing the ways in which we’re expected to act and react to people around us.
When we use the manners that are expected of us, the heavens don’t part, and crowds don’t applaud us; life just goes on smoothly, the way it should. The importance of manners becomes obvious only when we don’t use them. For example, one “manner” states that if you say “Hi” or “Good morning” to a person at work, that person should respond in a like manner, since this is the considerate thing to do. So far, so good. But what happens if you said “Hi,” and your coworker didn’t say anything in return? How would that make you feel? You’d probably wonder something like, “Did I do something to annoy him?” or “Doesn’t anybody ever notice that I exist?” or even “Do I smell bad?”
Manners matter. Use them, and you will make the best impression possible.
Still, no one can possibly know all the manners there are or remember precisely how to apply them to every situation. In fact, in today’s fast-paced, informal world, manners don’t always apply in every situation.
Fortunately, the collection of manners that we call etiquette is based on a set of simple but profound principles. Manners and principles are not the same thing: Manners are specific guidelines that change with time and vary across cultures. For instance, children in the United States are taught to shake hands when meeting someone, while Japanese children are taught to greet people by bowing. While the manners themselves may be different, each is correct for that specific culture, and each exists for the same universal reason: to show respect to people when you greet them.
Etiquette is governed by three principles: consideration, respect, and honesty. These provide the framework for defining every manner that has ever been formulated. Each of these principles is timeless. These principles transcend cultural boundaries, cross socioeconomic boundaries, and apply equally to all ages.
CONSIDERATION is understanding how other people and entities are affected by whatever is taking place. Consideration is empathy. It helps us to assess how a situation affects everyone involved, and then act accordingly.
RESPECT is recognizing that how you interact with another person will affect your relationship with that person, and then choosing to take actions that will build relationships rather than injure them. Respect helps us decide how to choose to act toward others.
HONESTY is being truthful, not deceptive. There is a critical difference, too, between benevolent and brutal honesty: “I have a problem with that” vs. “That’s a stupid thing to say.” Honesty ensures that we act sincerely.
All of the manners discussed in this book and all the solutions to the situations described in these pages involve the application of these three principles.
“But if etiquette is so simple,” you ask, “then why are you writing a whole book on the subject?”
In a word: confidence. When men encounter an unfamiliar situation and are unsure what to do, they often either freeze or make the wrong choice. By reading through the situations and examples in this book, you’ll learn how to deal graciously and effectively with a wide variety of problems in daily life, social life, and work life. Even more important, you’ll gain the knowledge and confidence to resolve such situations on your own whenever they crop up. (If you need further assistance, you can always refer to this book—or dig into Emily Post’s Etiquette, which addresses every situation under the sun.)
Bottom line: Etiquette isn’t about rules, it isn’t stuffy, and it’s not old-fashioned. Etiquette is a code of treating people with—and making choices based on—consideration, respect, and honesty. When you apply these principles consistently, etiquette becomes a tool that lets you build better relationships and be more successful in every aspect of your life. Etiquette is not about doing what’s “correct.” Etiquette is about doing what’s right.
BEING INCONSIDERATE AND BEING DISRESPECTFUL GO HAND IN HAND
Staring at other women. Talking down to women. Ignoring their opinions. Interrupting. Not introducing them. Simply ignoring them altogether. Walking several steps ahead of a woman rather than beside her. The Post Survey found that women don’t simply view these behaviors as being rude or inconsiderate—to women, they represent a fundamental lack of personal respect.
To be fair, most men’s inconsiderate or disrespectful behavior is not intentional. Men frequently get lost in their thoughts and go to far-off places in their minds without even realizing the journey has started or considering the consequences. That’s when they get into trouble.
Consider the issue of looking at another attractive woman who happens to cross your path. I do this unconsciously, I admit. But when my eyes stop looking at my wife, and my attention shifts away just as she is making an important point, she knows she’s lost me. And she’s right—my attention has wandered. Whenever a man “switches off” his thinking or wanders off on a mind journey, he runs the risk of looking inconsiderate and, by extension, disrespectful.
On a personal note, it scares me when I see what I’ve just written because I see some of myself in this description, and unfortunately it’s not the good part. How long has it been since I made the bed in the morning? Why didn’t I do those dishes that were piled in the sink from last night’s dinner? After all, my wife made dinner. The least I could have done was clean up afterward. And I can’t remember the last time I bought her flowers. Instead, I’ve been heard at the supermarket bemoaning the fact that she’s picking out flowers and buying them for herself. Talk about clueless!
Now, I’m not all bad. I do clean any dishes still left in the sink each morning. I do remember to leave the toilet seat down. And I make coffee every morning and bring it to my wife in bed. In fact, our survey suggests that this last good deed may be the single “little thing” where American men excel the most: It’s amazing how many men bring coffee or tea to their significant other in the morning.
Here’s the bottom line: Men get it right some of the time, but they don’t generally spend enough effort really thinking through how their actions will affect the people around them. And that’s what good etiquette really is: thinking about what the considerate, respectful thing to do would be, and then doing it. By thinking about our behavior, we turn each action into a conscious choice. The more we practice making those choices, the more often we’ll make good choices—and the better our lives and the lives of our loved ones will be.
And that’s what makes etiquette worth the effort.
Emily Post on Consideration
Emily Post knew that if you took an imaginary set of scales and balanced all of the rules of etiquette on one side and the principles of consideration, respect, and honesty on the other, the side with the principles would far outweigh the side with the manners.
Here’s what she had to say about consideration:
Consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built. The first rule of etiquette—which hundreds of others merely paraphrase or explain or elaborate—is: Never do anything that is unpleasant to others.