The key to a peaceful, happy home life is to pay special attention to the “hot spots” that tend to crop up on any given day. In the 2011 Post Survey, women expressed an overwhelming sense of frustration about how clueless men can be. All too often, we men are simply not aware of how our actions affect the people around us, and at times we seem to get into an altered mind state.
Fortunately, etiquette provides a roadmap back to reality when our minds wander. It gives us a set of clues for building solid, respectful relationships—and whenever you share a living space with others, you are, in fact, in a relationship, since everything you do affects them as well. What these other people generally want is for you to respect them and the efforts they are making to keep the space livable, and to contribute a like amount of effort yourself.
Mud season in Vermont is a vile time of year. It makes sense that a typical rule in our home is “Wipe your feet before coming into the house.” But the fact is, it really doesn’t matter if I wipe my feet when I come inside with muddy boots on. What matters is that I notice the muddy trail I’ve made and then clean it up. When I do this, I’m being considerate and aware of how my actions affect someone else—namely my wife, who cleaned the floor and would like it to stay clean. If I choose not to wipe my feet every time I enter the house, so be it—provided I also take responsibility for cleaning up the mess I’ve made.
My muddy boots are a metaphor for a larger truth: By holding up a mirror to my own behavior, I am able to turn a potentially difficult situation into a no-brainer. We all have to learn to keep one eye on this mental mirror and see ourselves as others see us. This means being conscious at all times of how our actions affect others.
Congratulations! In the Post surveys, we men get high marks for mowing the lawn. But there must be any number of men who view this chore as making up their entire 50-percent contribution to the job of running the household. The problem is, there’s a lot more to managing a house than mowing the lawn. Here are just some of the other daily chores respondents cited:
Laundry
Housework
Ironing
Watching the baby
Cooking
Making the bed(s)
Vacuuming
Taking out the garbage
Changing lightbulbs
Doing the grocery shopping
Paying the bills
Planning an evening out
Planning an Evening Out
Our surveys received reams of comments about how men never lift a finger to figure out what the couple is going to do on a date. All I know is that when I plan a date with my wife, it has a superb effect on her.
Recently, we went on a cruise with her entire family. It really turned out great—despite what you’re thinking. The cruise departed from New York City at 2:00 P.M. on a Saturday afternoon. Plotting with my wife’s older brother, I found a low-cost airfare from Burlington to New York and got tickets to a fabulous Broadway play for the Friday night before our departure. We had a great dinner before the show, and even managed a limo ride back to her brother’s house afterward. Admittedly, that’s a pretty extravagant date—but it was a great evening and all she had to do was be there and enjoy.
On other occasions, I’ll suggest we eat out—and then call the restaurant to make a reservation. If I also arranged for the sitter, that was the absolute icing on the cake.
When it comes to chores around the house, very often we’ll identify something specific we want to get done together. We might spend Saturday morning weeding the vegetable garden or repainting the front hall or cleaning out the refrigerator (it’s frightening that our fridge can get so bad it takes a whole morning to clean it out). That leaves Saturday afternoon for golf, skiing, or another activity we can share. The key is that we tackle the chore together, and we plan something fun to do afterward. That way, no one feels that they’re left doing all the dirty work.
“WHAT TV SHOW ARE WE GOING TO WATCH?”
One survey respondent defined this problem as “Lifetime versus SportsCenter.” Another woman wrote, “Most people can only watch a John Wayne flick so many times.” (Personally I disagree; I have yet to tire of watching the Duke.)
Just the other night, my wife and I were channel surfing the movies. “Debbie says that’s a good movie,” my wife announced suddenly when 27 Dresses popped up as one of the selections. “It’s a chick flick,” she added, and we passed it by without further comment.
The way our arrangement works, there are “her” shows, “my” shows, and “our” shows. Someday in the near future I’ll be either on the road or at a hockey game, and she can catch 27 Dresses then. The same goes for me: I’ll save Fort Apache for sometime when my wife is either out or not interested in watching. Even if you don’t have a satellite system or cable that repeats the show over and over again, the key is to recognize it’s “our” house and “our” living room—and that we both need to compromise when watching “our” television together.
Share the Remote?
The second most difficult conflict caused by the TV involves the ownership of the remote control. I have a good friend who literally keeps the remotes tied next to “his” recliner in the living room. Ostensibly this is to prevent the dreaded misplacement of the remote, but it also places the clicker conveniently under his control.
I think my wife wonders whether I simply use the remote to see how fast I can click through the channels. As any true remote control junkie knows, if you click fast enough you can actually watch two or three shows simultaneously. How your viewing partner feels about watching this sort of triple feature is another matter.
Lately, I’ve been learning to slow down or, better yet—horror of horrors for anyone with a pathological need to control the remote—even offer my wife the clicker on occasion.
“Here, honey, you find something,” I say as sweetly as I can.
“No, no, no,” she always replies, pushing it away as if it’s cursed.
This is admittedly a risky strategy, because you’ve got to be prepared for those times when the other person actually does take control. The upside is that this approach puts a stop to any arguing about the remote.
The bottom line: Television viewing should be relaxing for everyone. To keep it from becoming adversarial, think before you act and be considerate by taking everyone’s interests into account.
The telephone is a diabolical technological invention. You can’t live without it, but you can’t succeed with it—at least, not if you believe what the Post survey respondents have to say about the phone. For them, misuse of the telephone falls into three very clear-cut categories: not answering the phone, not using the phone, and failing to take messages.
Not Answering the Phone
It’s the stuff of television sitcoms. Scene: The male character is lounging on the couch, watching something on TV, when the phone rings. The phone is usually about ten feet away.
“Honey, can you get that?” the man shouts.
Honey trudges up the basement stairs carrying a load of laundry and, huffing and puffing, answers the phone. “Keep it down, will you?” her husband yells. “I’m trying to watch the game here.”
Unfortunately, TV sitcoms often parody real life.
Bottom line: When the phone rings, answer it.
Not Using the Phone
Typically, problems with the phone are associated with the abuse of using it. But men have mastered a whole other side of phone misbehavior: not using it at the most inappropriate times.
“Call me if you’re going to be late,” my wife would ask as I got ready to head out the door on the way to work. She may be trying to time dinner so it’ll be ready when I get home. Or she may have errands, work, or children’s events to coordinate. Or she may simply worry that something has happened to me if I don’t arrive when I’m expected.
It seems like a reasonable request. The problem is, I have failed to make that call a few thousand times. Even with my cell phone, which you’d think would solve the problem, I was still guilty of not calling. Worse yet, I might not check it to see if she wanted me to stop and pick up something at the market. I’m working on it. Now, at least, I fire off a text “On my way home” before I start the car.
Peace.
Not Taking Messages
Taking messages can be a pain in the neck. Let’s say I’m up to my elbows in sawdust, working on a project in my shop. My wife isn’t home. The kids aren’t home. The phone rings. Now, I’m no good at letting it go to voice mail. Technology has defeated me: I must answer that phone.
It’s for my wife. “I’ll let her know you called,” I promise, dropping the phone into its cradle and rushing back downstairs to finish marking the wood for the next cut. Measure twice, cut once. I’m completely focused on my project.
Sure, I’ll remember to tell her about the call. And it snows in July in Vermont occasionally, too.
In the grand scheme of things—such as world peace or solving the problems of starvation and overpopulation—actions like taking a phone message don’t seem all that important. The fact is, however, etiquette isn’t about momentous acts. It is about smoothing the way through life for ourselves and the people around us.
That’s why taking a message becomes important. It’s one act in a continuum of actions that cumulatively make a difference. By doing it and doing it well, we are able to reach out and help another person.
So in spite of my annoyance at the interruption, I grab a piece of paper and jot the message down: name, number, time of call, and the message.
Burping and farting: It’s remarkable how often these came up in all three 2011 Post surveys. While both are bodily functions that sometimes escape without warning, for the most part, it’s possible to delay the inevitable until you move away or retire to a restroom. With burps, while it can be fun to let one out with a rumble that rivals the sound of a train roaring past you, the reality is you can almost always burp noiselessly without calling attention to yourself.
If you have an itch, scratch it—right?
Well, that works for your nose. But the Post Survey found that a great many women can’t understand why guys need to scratch and adjust their “privates” so often. As we men know, there’s usually a darn good reason: Either you have an itch, or your privates shifted into the wrong place and need to be rearranged.
The real issue, however, is how to “adjust” yourself in a way that doesn’t offend the people around you. For example, the “full frontal adjust” is throwing the whole matter in the face of any woman who happens to be nearby—and she is not going to be impressed. Instead, if you need to adjust yourself, turn away discreetly before making the “grab and move.” If you do this maneuver properly, no one will even be aware of what you’re doing.
“But,” you say to me, “I don’t even realize I’m doing it.”
Then start realizing. If you’ve got to sneeze, you turn away so you don’t spray the people around you, right? The same applies to scratching yourself: Being considerate means being conscious of what you’re doing—and how it affects the people around you.
The clothing we choose to wear makes such a strong statement to others even if we can’t read that statement ourselves. Usually that statement is something like “What a slob” or “How disrespectful.”
What’s interesting is for every complaint about dress, women equally praised men who make an effort to wear the right clothing at the right time: in other words dressing for the occasion. Even something as innocuous as going to the movies can be an opportunity for a man to make a great impression. A quick shave, a run through the shower, a clean shirt and slacks, and she’s going to be beaming. Try it. You’ll see.
This is the one time I’m going to mention it: Body odor, bad breath, and poor grooming take so little time to correct, yet when corrected they have such a positive effect on everyone in your life.
Now comes the hard part. How can you tell if you have body odor or bad breath, or if you’re using too much cologne, or your antiperspirant really smells worse than nothing at all? You can’t judge these things for yourself because you’re too familiar with the smells to notice them. The problem is that if you are an offender, most people are far too uncomfortable about the subject to ever bring it up on their own.
This is a shame, because at heart we’re all begging to be apprised of the truth. In my seminars, I always ask, “How many people here would prefer it if a friend tells you if you have body odor or bad breath?” Whenever I pose this question, virtually every hand in the room goes up.
Fortunately, there’s a solution to this dilemma: Place a friendly inquiry with a friend, a roommate, your spouse, or your significant other. If you ask them, then they have permission to speak. “Tom, I gotta ask you something and it may sound strange, but I need to know. Do I have bad breath? Because if I do, I want to do something about it.”
If you don’t have bad breath, Tom simply says so. End of story. If you do have bad breath, he will almost certainly feel relieved at finally being able to say something without having to be the one who brought it up.
Some men are selective about their hygiene habits: They allow themselves to go unwashed or have bad breath at home, but not when they go out. Keep in mind, there’s no etiquette rule that says it’s okay to drop your standards at home.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Wash Your Hands
Wash after you use the bathroom, every time.
Pets really are wonderful companions, but they can be terrible for the neighbors. A dog that barks incessantly can drive your neighbor crazy.
It’s important to keep your pet under control at all times. You may think it’s cute that your dog does the rounds of the neighborhood—cute, that is, until you get a call from a frustrated neighbor whose garbage has been torn open and spread all across his lawn by Fido. If the neighbors complain about your pet’s barking or wandering or digging, talk with your vet about possible solutions.
It goes almost without saying that an aggressive dog has to be kept under tight control. Even the sweetest, tamest looking dog, can, under certain circumstances, bare its teeth and suddenly look very menacing. If this is your dog, you may not be able to let him out unless he’s under your supervision.
Now, maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “None of this advice so far applies to me!”
Okay, let’s suppose you’re the type of thoughtful person who never fails to clean the sink or pick up your dirty clothes. In fact, you’re fastidious—it’s the other person who is the problem. In this case, you have two options.
Option Number One
Do nothing. Particularly with a wife or live-in significant other, this is often the best policy. Example: Throughout thirty-nine years of marriage, my wife has buried the armchair in our bedroom under her clothes. It’s been so well covered for so long that I no longer have any clear idea of the color of the chair’s fabric. Now, I’m no neatfreak. Anyone who has ever seen my office knows this. But somehow I’ve developed the habit of putting my dirty clothes in the hamper every morning, and putting away my other clothes in the bureau or the closet. (Actually I do this primarily out of self-interest: We’ve divided chores and my wife does the laundry—so by making sure my clothes are where they are meant to be, I’m ensuring that they get cleaned.)
Anyway, the one thing I don’t ever do is say a word to my wife about the pile of clothes on the chair. This is simply not an issue I care to expend any built-up goodwill capital on. Besides, the upholstery has lasted an incredibly long time—no doubt due to the fact that the chair gets virtually no use and no light can shine through to fade the fabric. Here’s to the chair: May it last another thirty-nine years!
Option Number Two
Try to change your housemate’s offending behavior. This is tricky work, to say the least. Any time you talk to someone about what you perceive to be their failings, they tend to become very defensive very quickly. Before you pursue this option, go back and carefully reconsider Option Number One. Ask yourself: Is this issue really worth stirring the pot over?
If you do decide to plunge ahead with your behavior modification project, remember that your goal in attempting to change someone else’s behavior should always be to build a better relationship with that person, not simply to be critical for its own sake.