Remember that day when you moved into the first place of your own? You were the king of your castle: nobody to answer to, nobody to share chores with. You could watch the TV shows you wanted to watch, eat the foods you wanted to eat, and clean up or not. What a great setup!
It’s also usually a very temporary state of affairs. One day—sooner than they might have imagined—most men wake up to find themselves married or living with a significant other or roommate. And whenever living space is shared, differences of opinion inevitably arise over the care and use of those spaces. These differences can turn into conflicts if not handled thoughtfully.
Fortunately, the complexities of thoughtful home sharing can be vastly simplified by thinking of your house as a series of discrete spaces—each with its own set of issues. Keep these key issues firmly in mind, and life will be blissfully peaceful on the home front.
In both our Post surveys, we asked which shared spaces have the most potential to cause conflicts. Two rooms topped the list: the kitchen and the bathroom. Let’s consider each in turn.
When we asked women to identify the leading cause of conflict in the kitchen, they gave one overwhelming answer: Men don’t do their share when it comes to cleaning up, especially after themselves.
I admit to being a primary offender in this regard. I used to drive my wife nuts on Saturday afternoons: I’d wander into the kitchen, and out would come all the fixings for a delectable Dagwood sandwich. The problem was, after making my sandwich, I wanted to eat it then and there. I’d sit right down at the kitchen table or, worse still, carry my creation into the living room to watch TV and munch away.
After a few minutes of this, my wife would wander in and invariably ask the same question: Why couldn’t I clean up my mess before eating my sandwich?
The answer seemed obvious to me. “After all that work to make the sandwich, I want to eat it now,” I would point out reasonably.
“What about the mess in the kitchen?”
Oh, that. “I’ll get to it during halftime or whatever,” I’d mumble, guiltily tucking back into my sandwich.
In my interviews and speeches about etiquette, I talk quite a bit about how sincerity is an integral component in building relationships. Looking back on this particular scenario, I realize now that my sincerity quotient was in the cellar. My wife had seen those sandwich fixings stay out on the counter time and again. She knew (and, deep down, so did I) that I was only kidding myself; I would never get around to cleaning up my mess, and she was going to end up doing it instead.
Then, one Saturday, I had a breakthrough moment. Maybe the above scene had finally been repeated one too many times, or maybe the game of the week just wasn’t very appealing that day—but for some reason, as I was making my sandwich in my usual fashion (as fast as possible, so I could get in front of the TV before the game started), the memory of my wife’s words somehow penetrated my food- and football-fixated mind. To my own amazement, I actually stopped dead in my tracks and put all the sandwich fixings away before I started to eat.
Of course, my sandwich is a metaphor for all of the important activity that goes on in a kitchen. The kitchen really is the soul of the home. It’s where the family’s meals are prepared and often eaten. It’s the room that requires the most cooperation to keep it clean and functioning.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Making Promises, Keeping Promises
Honey, there’s just five minutes left. Let me just finish watching this show. Then I’ll help you.” You’ve made a promise. Now it’s time to abide by it. The fact that another ball game is just starting on another channel doesn’t relieve you from the promise.
Sincerity matters. If you say you’ll clean the dishes, then do it. Forgetting sets a pattern, and it establishes a precedent that your word isn’t good. In any relationship, the trust that grows out of keeping your promises is a cornerstone of its success.
When it comes to holding up your end of the kitchen duties, there are three simple keys:
- Pitch in consistently to clean up any general mess that accumulates. This applies to cleaning up after meals, and also putting away all the junk that simply piles up during the day: groceries, mail, coats, boots, hats, gloves, and shoes. Somehow this stuff seems to grow on its own in the kitchen.
- Take personal responsibility for your own mess. When you make or do anything that involves food or any other kitchen supplies—like my Dagwood sandwich—clean it up as soon as possible.
- Complete all kitchen chores. Men often think that where kitchen chores are concerned, half a loaf is better than none. I’m as guilty as the next guy: I would much rather leave the just-washed dinner dishes dripping in the dish rack than dry them and put them away. Now that I’ve learned to put the fixings and dishes away, I have one more step to master: closing the cupboard doors after I’ve opened them. Once you’ve started a job, finish it.
SURVEY SAYS
Make the Bedroom a “Safe Zone”
Interestingly, while other rooms seem to be rife with issues, many survey respondents described their bedrooms as a “safe zone”—a place where couples consciously agree to leave their arguments behind. Instead, it’s reserved as a space where they can share intimacy and be safe in their togetherness.
“Fortunately, we don’t have problems here,” wrote one respondent. “We both respect each other’s space, and we usually enjoy spending time in this room.”
“Never fight in the bedroom,” added another. “It sours the sex.” A third survey taker reported, “No problems in the bedroom. It is as if it is a restful sanctuary, and we respect that.”
I like that concept—respect for the space and respect for each other within the space. Not that the bedroom is completely issue-free, of course. Snoring, blanket hogging, cranking up the volume on the television, not helping to make the bed, and lack of personal hygiene came up repeatedly in the Post Survey as behaviors that can lead to conflict in the bedroom. One sin of omission took the cake, however: leaving dirty clothes around. So remember, to keep harmony in your bedroom, put your dirty clothes where they belong—in the clothes hamper. Better yet, learn how to operate that washer and dryer or take a load to the laundromat yourself. Her gratitude will know no bounds.
The bathroom is the one place where we all truly want to be private and comfortable. In an ideal world, everyone would have a bathroom that was theirs and theirs alone. In reality, however, most of us share a bathroom with a significant other, and perhaps with other family members or roommates. This overlap of personal space is where trouble starts.
For men, the most important thing to understand is that women tend to be very particular about the bathroom. Not only did they comment far more often than men about the bathroom, their comments were very pointed, to say the least. They got down and dirty about everything from missed aim to shaving stubble in the sink to wet towels on the floor and toothpaste all over the counter. This leads to a major truth that men are best off simply accepting: The bathroom is her domain. One man responded about the bathroom, “Like the kitchen, it’s all her space, she just loans you some of it.” You, the man, are essentially a visitor. If you don’t believe me, just look at the “stuff” in your own bathroom. In my case, my “stuff” takes up part of one drawer. Hers takes up the rest of the room.
That’s why, when it comes to bathroom behavior, it’s almost always a good idea to be accommodating of your partner’s needs and desires. This delicate area is generally not the place to make a stand on some point of personal self-expression.
In 2002, the toilet seat screamed out from the Post Survey as the number one frustration women had in the bathroom. Interestingly, men seem to have taken note. In the 2011 Post Survey, the toilet seat ranked fifth in the list of annoying behaviors. Other annoying bathroom behaviors included leaving it messy, not cleaning up, problems with it as a shared space, and hair left in the sink or tub.
The Mess and Cleaning Up
Whether it’s hair or stubble or shaving cream or toothpaste, we men seem to take no notice of the trail of destruction we leave in our wakes. Perhaps that’s because we’re used to having our significant other follow behind and clean our mess so it’s up to her standard. But as we’ve seen above, it’s not our forgetful standard that matters. This is her room, and we should respect it and leave it for her the way she wants it.
The Sink
One of the problems with shaving is that it’s messy, especially if you use shaving cream and a manual razor. When I got married, I quickly realized that even though I might not be bothered by that stubble in the sink, my wife did not share my view.
As a visitor to this room, it’s your job to learn how to leave the sink—and the rest of the bathroom—in a condition suitable to the owner of the room. One easy way for me to avoid my wife’s wrath is to spend a minute or so making sure the sink is cleaned of my shaving residue and ready for her use. I know that I’m not going to get rewarded, praised, or even acknowledged for this act—but that’s not why I do it. I do it because I know she doesn’t like it when she goes to use the sink and finds it full of my stubble.
In other words, it’s the considerate thing to do.
One final sink tip: After I shave, there’s always water left on the counter. I make sure I wipe this water up and leave the counter dry. Why? Because one day, when I didn’t wipe it up, my wife came in after me and leaned against the counter so she could get a better look at herself in the mirror while she did her makeup. When she stepped away from the sink, her nice white skirt had a big wet spot on it.
I only made that mistake once.
The Bathtub/Shower
Bathtubs conjure up all sorts of sexy images: bubbles; an adventurous moment with your significant other or someone you’re dreaming of; feet, legs, arms, hands all intertwined. It gets pretty good.
Dream on. I don’t know about your setup, but our tub is five feet long, tops. If I ever did try to climb in with my wife, the faucet would leave a permanent impression on my back. Save that cuddling-in-the-bubble-bath stuff for your vacations in that hotel room with the tub as big as the Ritz. When it comes to the typical bathtub in the home, your thoughts should be confined to how you can keep it clean and attractive for your wife or girlfriend. I doubt that a roommate would want to clean up your mess either.
Hair in the Sink or Tub
Whether you have a stall shower or a bathtub that also doubles as a shower, have you noticed how the water often starts building up in the tub or stall while you’re taking a shower? That slow-draining water is a clear indication that hair and soap scum are partially blocking the drain. This not only forces you and your partner to shower in ankle-deep water, but also leaves behind a dirty ring in a tub. The proper (and considerate) response is to grab a paper towel or tissue and clear the drain, then grab a sponge and some cleanser and make that bathtub ring disappear. (A consistently sluggish drain may be a sign that the trap is clogged as well, meaning that a superficial cleaning won’t help. In this case, try some liquid drain cleaner. If that fails, it’s time to grab your tool kit and give the trap a cleaning, or bite the bullet and call a plumber.)
“But it’s mostly her hair,” you argue. It doesn’t matter. Just clean out the drain. You were the last one in the shower, so you own the problem, whether it’s your fault or not.
Sharing Space
This issue stood out from the pack in our 2011 Survey. The people with no problems sharing space are the people with two separate bathrooms. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t in that lucky position. So we’ve got to figure out how to share so we’re not bumping elbows.
With only one sink, my wife and I have learned a valuable lesson: We need to communicate before we start getting ready. “Why don’t I shave while you shower and then when you get out, the sink is all yours,” I’ll suggest. If she’s amenable, great. It seems like a good plan because drying her hair will take a relatively long time, so if she gets a jump on it, we’re more likely to both be ready at the same time.
Shared space also means identifying whose stuff goes where and then respecting that division at all times. Recognize that she will probably have more “stuff,” and she’ll spend far more time in the bathroom than you, so give her the space she’ll need for her things. It’ll be worth it to you in the long run.
A Delicate Subject
Let’s just put it right on the table: smell. Face it, it happens to all of us. And when it does, it’s usually much less noticeable to us than to someone else who enters this shared space. If your bathroom doesn’t have an air freshener, get one and then use it. If your bathroom has a fan, turn it on. You’ll both be happier.
The Toilet Seat
We now come to the all-important issue of the toilet seat. Here’s the scenario: It’s three in the morning, and your dream’s been pretty good. But now you’re awake, and you realize that you really need to use the bathroom.
You carefully slip out of bed—woe to you if you wake her—and head into the bathroom with one thought: to get your business done and get back to bed. The problem is that now, at the ungodly hour of 3:00 A.M., you are facing a crucial etiquette challenge: the toilet seat.
Here are the two transgressions you can make in this befuddled state, in order of their seriousness:
TRANSGRESSION 1— You lift the toilet seat, do your business, and then pad back to bed without putting the seat back down. Maybe you just forgot. Or maybe you were feeling a little lazy. “It’s only fair,” you think to yourself. “I raised the seat—she can lower it.”
Wrong. This issue has nothing to do with division of labor. When nature calls at an ungodly hour and a woman settles sleepily into a sitting position, she expects that seat to be down. Anything other than that is a very rude surprise. Think about it: Would you like to sit on the rim? Or worse, fall in?
TRANSGRESSION 2— You forget to put the seat up before relieving yourself. Remember, it’s dark, you’re sleepy, and even at high noon your aim isn’t always perfectly true. If that seat isn’t dry and clean as a whistle and your wife rises and heads to the same toilet, frankly, I can think of many other places I’d rather be.
Of course, you know the right thing to do in both situations. But merely knowing isn’t enough. There are some tasks that men are absolutely required to perform in order to make life easier and more trouble-free for everyone. This is one of them. Sometimes avoiding trouble is the best reason of all for doing the right thing.
Toilet Paper
No one should have to face this sort of thing first thing in the morning: Only two or three sheets were left on the roll. No spare was in sight and my wife was blissfully asleep.
We all know what it feels like to be in that situation. As men, we should always make a point of knowing where the spare roll of toilet paper is kept and bringing that spare roll within arm’s reach whenever the current roll starts running low. (Many households keep a spare roll nearby at all times, under a cover or in some other convenient container.)
Even better: When the roll actually runs out, don’t rely on your wife to pop the new roll into the dispenser but play the unsung hero and do it yourself.
Privacy
The subject of bathroom privacy is more delicate and somewhat more abstract than other bathroom etiquette issues, but it’s no less important. When you’re living alone, you can leave the door open while you do whatever is necessary, and it won’t change the universe one bit. Once you begin living in a shared space, however, a closed door becomes important. This is true when you are using the bathroom yourself, and even more true when your partner is using it. A closed door is an unspoken request for privacy, and it should be honored at all times.