My typical Saturday morning goes something like this: The sun is shining, the lawn needs mowing, the oil in my car has to be changed, and there are ten other chores that need attention after that. In this situation, I often don’t shower or shave. I just throw on a T-shirt and jeans, and I’m ready for the day.
What I’m saying is that it’s okay to be a little grubby on Saturday mornings—as long as you’re tinkering on your own, or running errands to the hardware store or the grocery store. But this permissiveness has its limits: When the phone rings and friends ask us to join them for lunch, I know I’m going to have to hit the shower, shave, and put on some clean clothes. The same holds true if my wife says, “Peter, let’s go to the movies later,” or if the dinner hour rolls around and I’m still immersed in chores. There’s no question that I’ve got to be cleaned up: shaved, combed, dressed nicely, and smelling good by the time we leave the house or sit down at the dinner table.
Friends, Foes, and the Baseball Cap
In the Middle Ages, knights in shining armor met each other encased from head to toe in metal. Often they simply could not be identified and had no idea if the other knight was friend or foe. So they took to lifting off their helmets to reveal their identities to each other. The servers at banquets in the Middle Ages were required to remove their hats as a mark of deference to the patrons. The removing of a head covering became a custom and evolved into the removal of a hat being a mark of respect. This action has remained a custom ever since.
When you enter a person’s home, removing your hat is a symbol of your respect for the owner. Likewise, as you enter a restaurant, taking off your cap is the right thing to do for the people you are with and for the other diners. Anytime you enter a place of worship, your baseball cap should come off. However, when you enter a store or other public space, you can keep your cap on.
Each of us is responsible for the image we project. Taking that responsibility seriously is a clear signal of your respect for others. If you choose to go on a date without cleaning up first, you are responsible when your date decides she doesn’t want to see you again. Pass gas or let loose with a string of expletives when you’re with a group of friends, and they may forgive one episode—but make it a habit, and you could quickly find yourself without friends.
I didn’t pick these examples at random. We asked our 2011 survey respondents to tell us where men are most likely to have significant problems with their appearance. Failing to bathe, passing gas, and foul language all emerged as major issues—as did smoking, chewing gum, and spitting.
SURVEY SAYS
What Women Really Think About Men and Grooming
“Clean hair and nails are a must; a well-groomed man is very sexy!”
“They have a lack of personal hygiene—especially ear hair or nose hair.”
“Soap and water are cheap enough for everyone to be clean.”
“How come men get away with not shaving for days?”
“Smelling of stale smoke on clothing and breath.”
“Teeth and hair are very important; if you can’t take care of your own teeth, I can’t imagine what else you must not be taking care of.”
It used to be a smoker’s world. You could light up just about anywhere—in an airplane, in a cab, at a restaurant, in a store, or in a person’s home—with total freedom.
Not anymore. Nobody is impressed with a person who smokes where smoking is prohibited. When you visit another person’s home, never light up inside without asking permission first—and be prepared to step outside good-naturedly for your smoke if your host requests it.
The smell of smoke on your clothes or in your car can be bothersome to others. Imagine spiffing yourself up for a hot date, cologne and all—then having a smoke before picking up your date. Greeting her with the aroma of tobacco clinging to you will be counterproductive, to say the least!
Cigar Smoking
Sometimes, especially when cigars are involved, men forget that their exhaled smoke is generally viewed as obnoxious, invasive, and annoying. It’s worth remembering that many people have an especially visceral reaction to cigar smoke.
If you do choose to light up a stogie in a private home or a public place that allows it, check with everyone in your group first to make sure no one minds—then offer cigars to anyone who wants one, including the women.
Don’t forget that cigar smoke can linger in your clothes. I make sure to leave my sweater or jacket outside to air out.
My good friend Becky was severely grossed out the other day. She was working the circuit at her gym, moving from one station to the next, when she saw it: There on the bench, where she was about to sit, was a sticky wad of chewing gum.
You have to wonder what goes through some people’s minds.
Chewing gum is appropriate only when you can do it without negatively affecting the people around you. Making cracking sounds, chewing it with your mouth open, or blowing bubbles are all revolting intrusions on the people around you. Chew your gum silently with your mouth closed if you must chew at all. And when you’re on a date—whether it’s a first date or a night out with your spouse or significant other—forget the gum completely.
Most men are pretty adept at spitting. In junior high, we used to have contests to see who could spit the farthest. Of course, back then, we also didn’t worry too much about what the girls thought. Today, in adulthood, it’s different. And women put spitting high on the list of things men do that truly annoy them.
To be sure, there’s a difference between spitting on an athletic field and letting fly as you’re walking arm-in-arm with your date. The trick is to avoid allowing your behavior when you’re alone, on the athletic field, or hanging out with the guys turn into a habitual action that you do without thinking, even when you are with a woman or in polite company.
For starters, when you’re with other people and need to clear your throat, excuse yourself and take care of your business in private. If you can’t excuse yourself, discreetly spit into a paper tissue and dispose of it.
Another rite of passage for adolescent boys is learning how to pass gas for maximum effect. While this talent might have wowed your thirteen-year-old buddies, it will not impress the adults around you—particularly the women. In our 2011 Post Survey, one out of six respondents indicated that passing gas was one of the “things men do that really annoy women.”
What do you do if you’re on a date and you’ve got to pass gas?
My answer: What do you do if you have to go to the bathroom? The principle is the same. You can retire briefly to the bathroom or hold it in. If for some reason you absolutely can’t excuse yourself and you can’t hold it any longer, then let it pass as discreetly as possible—and be prepared to own up and apologize, if necessary.
Basically, swearing is a cultural issue. Certain groups may be comfortable with the use of certain words, while other groups may find the same words offensive. For example, I was recently asked to do a seminar for a national company with two distinct cultures—a southern culture and a northeast culture. The firm’s northeast workers have a habit of swearing in their business conversations, while the southern employees never use profanity. As a result, the Southerners feel very uncomfortable when talking to their northeast colleagues.
People also have different opinions about what constitutes swearing. That’s why I always try to keep colorful language out of my presentations; I don’t want to risk offending any participants, and the use of swear words isn’t going to enhance my message one bit.
Bottom line: Being careful to choose our words so we don’t offend our listeners is a lesson we all need to relearn periodically. Even when you’re with a group of friends accustomed to using profanity, if you think that someone—anyone—in the group might be bothered by it, then be considerate and hold your tongue. And if you’re not sure…hold it anyway.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Swearing Boomerangs Back on You
Curb your swearing, especially around kids. When you swear, children learn from your behavior. If it’s okay for you to do it, then they think it’s okay for them to do it.
Just like we think men are the only gender that swears, we also think that women are the only gender that gossips. Well, it ain’t so. Women swear and men gossip.
In fact, I’m amazed at how much men gossip. If you could listen to a foursome walking down a fairway, their conversation breaks down into a few well-defined categories: jokes, sports, and gossip. Unfortunately, gossip is insidious. Unlike a joke, which is a momentary thing, gossip lingers. It clouds our opinion of the people being gossiped about.
So, whether it’s on the golf course, at the water cooler, or over lunch, make the effort to put a stop to gossip when you hear it. At the very least don’t contribute to it and don’t repeat what you hear. A more proactive stance would include indicating you’re uncomfortable with the conversation, offering a defense of the individual, and refusing to be a party to the conversation by excusing yourself. When men refuse to be part of gossip and make the proactive effort, women notice their willingness to stand up for another person, and they appreciate it.