What we have here is a failure to communicate.” The captain of the prison road gang in the movie Cool Hand Luke may have been a sadist, but he understood what it takes to make a relationship work. Look at any relationship that’s in trouble, and it’s a good bet the underlying problem can be traced to a failure to communicate.
These days, there are more ways to communicate than ever before: in person, over the telephone, by voice mail, e-mail, text, tweet, video chat—or even by writing someone a letter (for those of us who still get special enjoyment from sending and receiving snail mail).
But simply having these tools in your toolbox isn’t enough. You have to know what tools to use when, and how to use them effectively. If you end up writing a long-winded e-mail, or prattling on and on over the phone until you bore the other person to tears, or becoming so tongue-tied when leaving a message on voice mail that your recipient has no idea what you’re talking about, then all the technology in the world won’t help you. The result will still be a “failure to communicate.”
Half of all communication is listening. So being a good listener is critical to the success of your communication with your wife, significant other, family, friends, strangers, and work colleagues. Here’s what one survey respondent had to say about men’s listening skills:
“They nod their heads during conversation and when asked, have no idea what you are talking about. They don’t take a vested interest in the conversation. They never ask questions when they have questions on the topic and instead drift off into la la land.”
Repeatedly, female respondents commented on how men appeared to be listening but were not actually paying attention to the conversation. I can’t help but see their frustration as a symptom of perspective. Why? Because I’m guilty. I admit it. I’ll bet my wife wonders where I am or why I’m not focused on the conversation we’re meant to be having. Worse yet, she’s right. I’m probably not focused on what she’s saying, I’m focused on whatever it was I was doing. For me, focusing on two things at once is difficult; to her, I’m not listening.
Almost half the survey comments about communicating had to do with the issue of men not listening. For the sake of peace, harmony, and a better relationship, there is a solution: Take a break from whatever you’re focused on, look at the person, and focus just on her and what she is saying. Put the show on pause, and turn and listen to her instead of the TV. In general, focus on her when she’s talking to you so you really hear what is being said. Try active listening, a technique in which you reflect or repeat back what is being said to you so the other person knows you are taking in what’s being said. When you do this, she will really appreciate your effort:
“Not many men do it, but my partner listens to what I say and remembers it. He later comments on my ideas, thoughts, and feelings. He acts on my suggestions, no matter how casually I said it.” “Active listening. Especially when something happened in their partner’s workplace or friendship that is causing anxiety and stress.” “Makes it safe to share and discuss concerns and/or issues.”
Safe. That’s what communication in a relationship needs to be. Out of that safety and sincerity grow trust, confidence, and a better, stronger relationship. Figure out how to focus on her. It’s worth the effort for both of you and for your relationship.
The Importance of Listening
When you’re trying to communicate, whether one on one or in a group setting, the skill of listening to others is just as important as your ability to express yourself. Besides paying close attention to what the other person is saying, make it clear that you’re listening carefully by looking directly at the person who is speaking. Don’t interrupt until that person is done making his or her point. Then respond by asking questions and offering observations based on what was said. Make a habit of listening effectively, and you’ll find that your relationships will grow and deepen.
Your voice communicates a lot about how you are really feeling. If your words indicate genuine interest but your voice is a monotone, what’s the message you are sending? You really don’t mean what you are saying. Characteristics of quality of voice include the following:
- Tone. Anger, frustration, joy, concern. People react not only to your words but how they are said and the tone of your voice. When you were growing up, how often did you hear these words from your mother or father: “Don’t you take that tone of voice with me.” Oops.
- Speed. Speed kills. In conversation, speed makes comprehension difficult, so slow down. The people or person you are talking with needs a little time to process what you are saying, especially if it’s a serious, important subject.
- Speaking clearly. Mumbling, grunting—not only are you hard to understand, it sounds like you’re trying not to be understood. Instead of contributing to the conversation you sound as if you are trying to avoid it.
- Accent. People come from different nationalities, even different areas of the United States. If you have an accent that is different from the person or people with whom you are talking, it may make it more difficult for them to understand you. In that case, speed is doubly problematic. And speaking clearly becomes even more important for you to be understood.
Good listeners honor the person they are with by the way they focus on that person.
Look them in the eye. Eye contact is a key part of any interaction.
Nod or say “Uh huh.” Simple nonverbal cues can demonstrate that your focus is squarely on the person and not somewhere else.
Ask a question or repeat a point. Questions and comments show you are really a part of the conversation and are hearing what the other person has to say.
Avoid nervous habits. I have a bad habit of playing with things while I’m listening to someone: A paper clip gets bent into dozens of different shapes; I move the tableware around my place setting; I doodle pictures on my note pad. I shouldn’t because each of these actions can distract the person who is talking to me. Even though I’m focused on the conversation, the message I’m sending to the other person is “I’m distracted.”
Wait your turn. It is very annoying to be in midsentence and suddenly have the person you are talking to start talking right over you. A good listener waits for a natural break, that momentary pause before jumping in with a comment or question.
It seems that certain topics can dominate men’s conversations. The problem is some of those topics really aren’t particularly interesting to some people.
What’s inappropriate? Sex talk.
Even worse are men who talk about their sex lives to just about anybody.
Jokes can be a great conversational gambit, but be careful about the kind of jokes you tell. Off-color jokes may be funny when you’re alone with your buddies, but they may be resented when in mixed company or in front of kids. If you can’t be sure the joke will be well received, then it’s better not to tell it.
“It Sucks.”
I was asked to give a seminar to the staff of a large ski area including the ski and snowboard instructors. One issue the company wanted addressed was word choice. It turned out that some of the younger instructors were using a word that was actually costing the ski area business. Parents were writing comments indicating they weren’t going to purchase any more family lessons because they were fed up with hearing it.
The word: Sucks.
That word really wasn’t a swear word, but said repeatedly over an hour it became offensive to these parents. And that offensiveness was costing the company revenue. To the young instructors, the word was harmless—a normal part of their vocabulary—and shouldn’t have elicited such a reaction. But it did. Even though a particular word you use may be totally innocent or acceptable to you, if the person you are speaking to is offended by it, then perhaps you need to find an alternative.
THE IMPORTANCE OF NONVERBAL CUES
When you’re talking with someone face-to-face you give nonverbal cues that enhance what you’re saying. Those cues can reinforce your words or belie them. When you’re with another person, not only do the words you say matter, your image matters as well. You can roll your eyes and imply your disgust or frustration. You can purse your lips and suggest impatience or simmering anger. You can jiggle your foot or drum your fingers and communicate your nervousness. You can sit back, slouched, with your arms crossed and indicate your nonreceptiveness.
When you say one thing and your body says another, you aren’t communicating effectively.