I love the telephone. I can think of no item in our daily lives that is more important, and none that is used more inappropriately by more people. Bottom line: Our phones control us, we don’t control our phones.
For some reason, as a society we have conferred on phone callers the unique right to interrupt us at any time, no matter what we’re doing. Worse yet, the phone conversation has taken precedence over the in-person conversation. Want to talk to the person in the next office but he’s busy with someone else? No way could you walk in and usurp his time for ten minutes. But call him on the phone and you can talk away, no problem.
This attitude of phone supremacy is just plain wrong—and we can change it, one person at a time. Here are two modest proposals for regaining mastery over the telephone:
- When you’re talking in person with someone and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Let your answering machine or voice mail pick up the message.
- If you feel you must answer the phone, excuse yourself, answer, and tell the caller that you’ll ring them back later. Then end the conversation. Be sure to call back as soon as you can.
People in the waiting areas of airports have heard it; train, bus, and plane passengers know it even better; and for office colleagues in adjoining cubicles, it’s a painful fact of daily life.
I’m talking about telephone voice. You know the voice I mean—that booming, oblivious-to-the-world tone that everyone seems to adopt as soon as they answer a phone.
In fact, there’s a good reason for our tendency to talk loudly on the phone. When communicating on the phone, we aren’t being supplied with the visual clues we would normally have when talking with someone in person. As a result, we compensate by speaking in a louder voice. This habit may also have a historical component: When phones were first invented, people had to shout to be heard on the other end. Technology has solved that problem long ago, but people don’t seem to have caught up with the reality. This is especially true if the other person’s voice sounds somewhat distant. We automatically assume that we need to speak up to be heard as well.
Bottom line: Talk at your normal voice level, unless the person on the other end of the line asks you to speak louder. In most cases, an ordinary conversational tone works just fine.
Have you witnessed people using their cell phones in a rude or annoying manner recently? That’s what a poll by AP/IPSOS asked Americans. The overwhelming response was “Yes.” In fact 89 percent of Americans surveyed witnessed this rude behavior.
But when they asked Americans: “Have you used your cell phone in a loud or annoying manner?” a scant 8 percent admitted to doing it.
The danger with cell phones is that we don’t see ourselves as being rude when we answer our phones while we’re engaged in a conversation with someone. Even if it is perceived as being rude, we excuse the rudeness in ourselves because, well, it’s my phone and the call may be important, and I’m paying for it so I’m going to respond to it when it rings.
But to the person we are talking with, we’re rude.
The solution: Let the call go to voice mail. You can call back in a few minutes.
Better yet, be proactive. When you’re with other people put your phone on vibrate or, heresy of heresies, turn it off. Be in command of your cell phone; don’t let it control you.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Who’s More Important?
The person who is with you takes precedence over the person who is calling you on the phone.
Tips for Taking Control of Your Phone
- Be sure you have an answering machine, voice mail system, or messaging service—then let it do its work if the phone rings while you’re in the middle of a conversation.
- If possible, turn off your phone’s ringer whenever you’re talking with someone in person—or at least set the phone on Vibrate/Silent Ring mode.
- If you’re having a phone conversation and another call comes in on your call waiting, the same advice holds. Either ignore the incoming call and let your voice mail pick up, or break away briefly from your initial conversation with an apology, take the new caller’s name and number, and call them back when your first call is done.
- When it comes to call waiting, the one absolute mistake is to end your conversation with your first phone mate in order to take the new call. This should never be done, short of an outright emergency or a highly unusual circumstance (like receiving a call from Australia or from your ninety-year-old great-grandmother). Your first conversation takes precedence; your attention belongs to that person and no one else.
The cell phone is a decidedly mixed blessing. It’s a wonderfully convenient way to communicate—but if a cell isn’t used with consideration for the people around you, it can also make life miserable for everyone within earshot.
Voice Mail Is One Answer
Years ago when my wife and I went to the movies, we would tell the sitter where we would be. There was no number where we could be reached other than calling the theater itself in the case of dire emergency. Nowadays, during seminars I tell the audience that the proper course of action is to turn off their phones when sitting in a movie theater. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, someone will raise their hand to ask, “What if my babysitter needs to reach me? I need to leave the phone on in case there’s a problem.”
“You have two options,” I answer. “Option one: Turn off the phone. Then, at the end of the movie, check for messages and call home if you need to. Option two: Put your phone on vibrate mode; then if it shimmies, get up, go out to the lobby, and answer it. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to leave it on ring mode or to answer the phone inside the theater. End of story.” And refrain from texting and checking e-mail, too. The light from the screen is distracting, not to mention the alert noise when a new message comes in.
The “I’m Totally Clueless” Syndrome
Once, as I was waiting to board a plane, a woman standing in line spoke on her phone to a friend the entire time. On and on she went, about how she would be arriving soon and how they would be going out to dinner that night. Everybody in the jetway was forced to listen to the conversation—but she clearly had no idea she was subjecting us to her conversation.
The capper was when she began asking her friend where they should go to eat that night. They couldn’t decide. Suddenly a hand reached out and tapped the lady on the shoulder. “I can suggest a good restaurant for you if it will help,” the man belonging to the hand offered. She looked around, horrified—then quickly ended the conversation.
Everyone got a chuckle out of the situation—but unfortunately, not all examples of the “totally clueless syndrome” are as benign as this one. Instead of simply talking about where to eat, some people hold public discussions involving incredibly personal or confidential information. I’ve had people tell me they’ve overheard intimate details about peoples’ love lives, a family member’s life-threatening illness, or the vivid specifics of the most lurid gossip.
Bottom line: If you must make a call in a public place like an airport, restaurant, or theater, excuse yourself, go to the lobby, outside, or any other private place—then make the call where it won’t disturb the people around you and where your private conversation will remain that way. And if you must make or receive a call while you’re riding public transportation, keep it as short and low volume as possible.
Lodging Cell Phone Complaints
More and more public places are banning the use of cell phones. Commuters rebelled, and there are cell policies on commuter trains and buses. Public waiting rooms and doctor’s offices request that phones and pagers be turned off.
If someone’s cell phone use is disturbing you, make your complaint to management. It is then incumbent on management to enforce the rules.
In restaurants, if someone is talking on a cell phone and it’s bothering the people at your table, talk to the waiter or maître d’. Have him or her address the issue with the offender. The same holds if you’re at a movie theater, concert, or play: Talk to an usher or see the manager, and never try to approach the offender directly.