Have you ever watched the TV game show Wheel of Fortune? One night I watched the usual celebration unfold at the end of the show, with the relatives rushing down to congratulate the lucky winner. This time, however, when Pat Sajak, the host, held his hand out to the winner to offer his congratulations, the winner chose that moment to abruptly turn away from Pat and kiss his wife. Pat stood there looking down at his empty hand, then looked up at the camera with a “What do I do now?” look on his face. Finally he shrugged his shoulders, retracted his hand, and waved to the audience.
In front of thousands of viewers, he gave a perfect demonstration of what happens when people don’t do what’s expected. When people know the appropriate manners for a given situation and use them, everything’s great, and we all move on. When they don’t, as in the Pat Sajak example, that’s when confusion and hurt feelings can arise.
There are four simple steps that help to make people think highly of you from the moment you first greet them. Here they are:
- STAND UP. This is always the start of a good greeting, whether you’re a man or a woman. By standing up, you engage the person you are greeting on an equal level—eye to eye. Remaining seated, on the other hand, sends the signal that you think you’re more important than the other person and don’t need to stand—not the message you want to convey at the start of an interaction, to say the least. If you’re seated in a place where getting up is awkward, make a clear attempt to rise and apologize briefly as you greet the other person: “It’s a pleasure to meet you, John. Please excuse me—it’s a little cramped in here.” If you are meeting someone who is in a wheelchair, bend down as you shake hands to get your eyes to a more even level with hers.
- SMILE AND MAKE EYE CONTACT. A smile indicates warmth, openness, and a genuine interest in the person you are greeting. Making eye contact is also critical. Looking into a person’s eyes shows that you are focused on and interested in that person. Doing the opposite, on the other hand—looking away as you greet someone—will make you appear aloof, disinterested, or rude.
- STATE YOUR NAME AND REPEAT THE OTHER PERSON’S NAME. If you are the person who is initiating the greeting, your opening should be along these lines: “Hello, my name is Tom Meyers.” If you are on the receiving end of the greeting, your response should be something like: “Hi Tom, I’m Jerry Smith. I’m pleased to meet you.” If there are others in your group, you might add, “This is Cindy White and Jim Jones. Please join us. We were just talking about…” The key is to offer or acknowledge the spoken greeting, then invite the person joining the group into the conversation.
- SHAKE HANDS. For more information on the all-important handshake, read on.
The handshake is a seminal moment in a greeting. The right handshake makes everything flow smoothly. The wrong handshake turns the focus to the error.
There are three types of handshakes—only one of which is acceptable:
- WRONG: THE BONE CRUSHER HANDSHAKE— Handshaking should not be a macho contest or a means of showing superiority, and it should never leave the other person in pain or discomfort.
- WRONG: THE LIMP-WRIST HANDSHAKE— This handshake feels like you’re gripping a dead fish. It conveys neither warmth nor interest.
- RIGHT: THE FIRM HANDSHAKE— Grip firmly and warmly, without squeezing hard. Two or three pumps are all that’s needed—so don’t prolong the event by holding on longer than is necessary.
When it’s obvious that someone has an injured right arm or is missing a right arm or hand, it’s perfectly okay to extend your left hand for a shake.
Overly friendly handshakes should be reserved for very good friends. The “Bill Clinton” two-handed shake is a perfect example, or the “grab the person’s arm with your left hand” shake. These are neither necessary nor expected. Just shake hands.
When It’s Okay Not to Shake
Shaking hands is one of the most time-honored traditions we have. Not shaking clearly puts all the focus on why you chose not to shake rather than on building a relationship. One of the few times not shaking is not only appropriate but really important is when you have a cold or other communicable disease. People will appreciate your honesty if you say something like “Marge, please excuse me for not shaking, but I have a cold and don’t want to give it to you. It’s so nice to meet you.” Or you might have just sneezed into your hand and not had a chance to get to a washroom.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
The Man-Woman Issue
Historically, men were not expected to shake hands with women. Today, as part of meeting and greeting, everyone is expected to shake hands with everybody.
There you are, talking with someone cute and interesting you’ve just met at a cocktail party, when suddenly your great-aunt Winifred (I actually had a great-aunt Winifred) approaches. Instant panic: You want to make the introduction correctly, but several problems immediately rear their ugly heads: Who do you introduce to whom, how do you do it, and what exactly was Cute-and-interesting’s name, again?
The Fist Bump
The fist bump, high fives, complicated handshake rituals, and hug/shake combinations—these are alternate means of greeting. When you’re with friends and people you know who appreciate these forms of greeting, they are acceptable alternatives to the traditional handshake. However, if you don’t know the person well, it’s a business situation, or you simply aren’t sure, default to the traditional handshake.
Hugs and Kisses
Traditionally, American men don’t greet each other with a hug, at least not compared to many of their foreign counterparts. But that is changing. I see young men enjoying a friendly handshake-hug combo when they meet. As long as both of you are comfortable with the hug, it’s okay. Go for it. But if you sense any hesitancy, do the other guy a favor and back off.
I recently visited Saudi Arabia where men greet each other with kisses on each cheek—right, left, right. While other cultures may appreciate a quick peck on the cheek, it’s not found its way into the lexicon of American male greetings.
Who Do You Introduce to Whom?
Okay—let’s take a deep breath and start at the beginning: Just talk to the more important person first.
CORRECT: “Mr. Important Person, I would like to introduce Mr. Other Person to you.”
INCORRECT: “Mr. Other Person, I would like to introduce Mr. Important Person to you.”
When Aunt Winifred approaches, first make the decision that she is the more important person in this encounter and say, “Aunt Winifred, how nice to see you!” (Kiss, kiss on the cheeks.) “Please, let me introduce Cute-and-interesting to you.” (I’ll deal with the problem of remembering her name in just a minute.) Next, turn to Cute-and-interesting and say, “Cute-and-interesting, this is Mrs. Post, my great-aunt Winifred. I’m so pleased to introduce you.” Then turn back to Aunt Winnie and continue, “Aunt Winnie, we were talking about how cold the weather is. You just came up from Florida. How was it there?” And off you go…
So, Who’s More Important?
When you make an introduction, the rule says first talk to the more important person:
A client or prospect is more important than your CEO.
An older person is generally more important than a younger person.
If it’s a man and a woman and all else is relatively equal, make her the more important person.
Remembering Names (or Not)
We all forget names. I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t, at one time or another, been in the awkward situation of having to make an introduction when they were unable to remember one of the people’s names.
So what do these folks do?
Usually nothing. That’s right: nada. Zip. No introduction. Let them introduce themselves, goes the thinking, and get me out of the pickle I’m in.
Well, that might work in the short run. But I guarantee you that the people whom you failed to introduce will not appreciate you for making your problem into their problem. And I don’t blame them one bit.
Okay, so what should you do?
Admit your problem and ask for help. Here’s how it works. Let’s say you’ve started the introduction. “Aunt Winifred! How nice to see you.” (Kiss, kiss on the cheeks.) “Please, let me introduce…”
At this point, you stop and turn to Cute-and-interesting with an apologetic smile and say, “I am so embarrassed—I can’t remember your name.” Now, Cute-and-interesting could leave you hanging by not saying anything, but in all my forgetful years I’ve never seen this happen. Most likely, she’ll reach out her hand to Aunt Winnie and say, “Hi, I’m Carmen Sanobel. It’s so nice to meet you.”
You say to Carmen (with heartfelt gratitude), “Thank you, Carmen” (thus imprinting her name on your forgetful brain). Then you turn to Aunt Winnie and continue, “Aunt Winnie, Carmen and I were talking about how cold the weather is. You just came up from Florida. How was it there?” And off you go….
We’ve all been there, and we all know how it feels. The important thing is you were able to make the introduction. Carmen and Winnie are going to blow right past your small stumble because you did the important thing: You acknowledged them both and made it possible for them to start having a positive interaction—which is much more important than remembering Carmen’s name.
On the other hand, you’d better make sure you imprint Carmen’s name permanently on your memory from now on if you hope to see her in the future. It would be in extremely poor taste to have your great-aunt Evie (yes, I had a great-aunt Evie, too—and a great-aunt Florence) come over and have to ask Carmen for her name once again.
Some tips on remembering the names of people you meet:
Focus
I know it can be hard, especially if she’s gorgeous and you’re trying hard not to do or say something incredibly stupid. But no matter how difficult it may seem, you’ve got to forget her looks for one moment and focus instead on her face and on the words you are hearing.
“Tom, I’d like to introduce Gorgeous to you,” your great-aunt Florence says.
What you don’t do is mumble, “Nice to meet you.” Instead, say with a clear voice, “Gorgeous, what a pleasure it is to meet you!” And as she replies, you repeat to yourself, “Gorgeous, Gorgeous, Gorgeous.” Then make a point of saying her name out loud at various points during the conversation that follows. The goal is simple: Imprint that name.
Use Imaging
Another time-honored trick is to immediately picture some image or idea that you associate with the person’s name. For example, you might think to yourself, “Gorgeous—like in Drop Dead Gorgeous, the movie.” This sort of association actually increases the amount of neural connections devoted to a particular memory, providing an automatic (and very effective) hint every time you find it necessary to recall your newfound friend’s name.
“Nice to Meet You, Too.”
It’s happened to all of us: You approach a stranger at a dinner party, politely extend your hand, and say, “Hi, my name is Bill Owens.”
The stranger extends his hand in turn and says, “Nice to meet you.”
And that’s all. No name.
This is one of the most vexing “meet and greet” problems I’ve come across. Bill is left hanging, thinking to himself, “Hey, stranger. Have you got a name? What’s the deal here?” Meanwhile, the clueless stranger forges onward, repeating his transgression wherever he goes, assuming everybody knows his name. You could respond with something like, “I’m sorry, I missed your name. You are…?”
Bottom line: Don’t be like the stranger—unless you want to leave a poor first impression.
MR. AND MRS. OR JOHN AND MARY?
The real issue in the debate about using first names as opposed to a title like “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or “Ms.” is one of respect. For that reason, if you’re with people who are older than you, or in a formal situation with people you don’t know well, always start by using the more formal type of address. If the other person then offers you the opportunity to address him or her differently, politely thank them and proceed.