According to Public Agenda, a research organization based in New York:
- Eighty-four percent of Americans agree that a major cause of disrespect in our society is the fact that “too many parents are failing to teach respect to their kids.”
- Seventy-five percent of Americans want parents to teach their kids that “cursing is always wrong.”
- Only 19 percent of adult Americans claim they “never curse.”
These last two points highlight a major contradiction in American attitudes toward children’s rude behavior. As adults, we’re all part of the problem—and the potential solution. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a parent or not.
Children learn by mimicking adult behavior.
Let me repeat that: Children learn by mimicking adult behavior.
Example: You’re standing in line at the grocery store with a buddy when a mom and her two kids get in line behind you. You’re still hot under the collar from an incident that happened on the drive to the store, and you’re not shy about letting your friend know your feelings.
“Crazy bastard,” you snarl. “Can you believe how he cut me off? The bleep almost hit me! I should have chased him down and taught him a bleeping lesson.”
You are, in a word, oblivious. Meanwhile, the young children standing a few feet away from you have imprinted the following images in their memories:
- A grown man swearing—which must mean that it’s okay to swear, at least if you’re really mad.
- A grown man threatening revenge—which must mean that it’s okay to do violence to another person if you think there’s enough justification.
The bottom line: You don’t have to have kids of your own to have an impact on children.
When it comes to teaching kids to be more respectful and less rude, there is no silver-bullet solution. It’s a process that involves all of us and that will take time. We all need to recognize that how we act will be reflected in the behavior and attitudes of tomorrow’s adults. If every adult starts making a conscious decision to model considerate, respectful behavior in his or her daily life, kids will start reflecting that behavior. The sooner we do this, the sooner our children’s positive behavior will be reinforced.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Children Mirror the Behavior of Adults
Be extra careful around children. You’re already influencing children every time you’re around them by the way you act, speak, and carry yourself.
Before Arrival
It lasts nine months, usually, and for most of them you’re going to know something is changing. While that something isn’t you, it will affect your life significantly.
She’s going through a lot as her body grows and nurtures the baby. She’ll need your support now more than ever. So be there with her. Learn what is happening.
Make an extra effort to lighten her load. Cooking, shopping, cleaning, doing the laundry are chores she might usually handle, but now she’s going to need your help. Rather than waiting for her to ask, step up to the plate and do it, not just once but consistently.
Be a little more loving. A back rub, a foot massage while you’re watching television. Hold her hand (women love this). Show her you are her partner and you are there for her. It’s a special time, and you can do a lot to make it a positive special time.
On June 12, 1979, Anna, my oldest child, was born. At the time, I had no idea how much my life would change as a result. My wife and I had been married for six years, and now…all of a sudden, there were three of us.
Our living situation had altered drastically—but old habits die hard. June is strawberry-picking time in Vermont, and about ten days after our daughter was born, I went berry picking. There happened to be a crop of luscious berries that day, bright red, juicy—the height of perfection. I got carried away and came home with a couple of flats full of berries.
In previous years, this sort of hunter-gatherer action on my part would have been hailed as a feat of initiative. Now, however, with a two-week-old baby in residence, the only reaction my wife had was, “What on earth am I going to do with those strawberries? I don’t have time to make jam or put them up.”
I learned two lessons that day: First, things had definitely changed, and I had to start recognizing that fact. Second, putting up strawberries and making jam is a lot of work.
SURVEY SAYS
What Women Really Think About Men Helping with the Kids
On the impressive side:
“My husband plays with my children in a way I just can’t do. I think it’s important for my daughters to have a father figure in their lives who gets down on the floor and plays silly roughhousing games.”
“Helps with bedtime routine.”
“Teach good things to their children, stay active and engaged in their children’s lives, growth, and development.”
“Help with children’s homework.”
“Sees the needs of our son and steps up without being asked to do so.”
On the annoying side:
“Men don’t pitch in with the kids unless they’re asked to.”
“They resent having to watch the kids while you go out.”
“They opt out of the discipline process, leaving the woman to be the only parent who disciplines the children.”
“They don’t think to initiate bedtime routines for kids.”
“Men ignore the kids if they’re otherwise occupied.”
How do you see yourself in these comments?
Being the male parent is not simply a matter of taking a larger role in chores around the house in order to take pressure off your mate so she can focus on raising the baby. Being a male parent also means being a part of the child care—and not just in the first few weeks. It means being an equal partner in the care of your children for the next eighteen years, and then some. Child care takes a couple of different forms:
- SHARING THE LOAD. This sometimes involves serious sacrifice. For instance, on any given Sunday afternoon, just as Tom Brady throws a Hail Mary pass to put the game into overtime, the phone rings. My daughter is on the line: “Can you pick me up now?” My wife’s making dinner, so I have no choice.
- BEING THE DISCIPLINARIAN. Dads can’t always be fun. Discipline is part of parenting, and for it to work, both partners have to participate. The mom can’t always be the heavy. She will resent you no end if you’re always the parent who consoles the child. Be willing to be a parent who enforces the law, and support your spouse in her choices when she’s the enforcer.
- GOING TO THEIR EVENTS. I’ve heard more primary school holiday concerts than I care to remember. Each one was important to my daughters, and it was also important that both of their parents were there to share in their performance. Whether your child is the star or a member of the chorus, you make time to attend, you applaud thunderously, and you congratulate her as though it were opening night on Broadway.
- TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS. Take the time to listen to your children. They have wonderful thoughts and an ever-fresh perspective, and talking with them will help bring those thoughts out. When I was a young parent, I could always tell the kids whose parents listened to them. If I was driving them home after a visit, they were the kids who would talk your ear off, even though you were a relatively unfamiliar adult. Those conversations were always a joy, especially compared to driving a kid home whose vocabulary consisted of grunted, monosyllabic responses to my questions.
Time passes so quickly. Before you know it, those little toddlers will be off living on their own. So make the effort to share in the raising of your kids. In the process of raising them, you’ll build a stronger relationship with your spouse and give your kids the best possible opportunity to grow up happy and successful.
Do as I Say, Not as I Do
The statistics reveal how much we Americans buy into this maxim: Seventy-five percent of adult Americans want to teach children not to swear. But at the same time, 81 percent of us acknowledge swearing ourselves at least some of the time. In other words, we admit that we’re modeling this behavior even though we want and expect different behavior from our kids.
Learning doesn’t work that way. I discovered this when my older daughter was in grade school. She had a teacher whom I firmly believed was the perfect example of what’s wrong with the “guaranteed job” policies in public education—and one day I voiced my displeasure about her in front of my daughter. I remember it so clearly. A short while later, during a discussion about a problem my daughter was having with her teacher, I heard my daughter spout my words back at me. The lightbulb immediately went off in my head: How could I possibly expect her to follow my admonition to “respect her teacher” when I was teaching her to disrespect that same person?
Kids do not understand “Do as I say, not as I do.” They do understand “Do as I do.”
A good friend of mine coaches his son’s lacrosse team. When I learned this, I couldn’t help but think: Here’s a formula for disaster. But it happens every day and dads can do it successfully.
Be Impartial
The key is to look at your child as a team member and not as your son or daughter. You’ve taken on the job so you have one very difficult task. This can be tough when it’s your child who is sitting on the bench. At the start of the season, talk with your child. Explain that you love him or her but you also have to be the coach for the team and that means no favoritism. It’s important not only for both your sakes but for the effect your impartiality will have on the other players and their parents as well.
Coach Positively
Yelling, berating, and/or sarcasm don’t work as motivators, especially for children. Children want to learn; they want to improve. And they do it best when their teacher, parent, or coach instructs them in a positive, constructive way.
SPECTATING AT YOUR KIDS’ SPORTS EVENTS
We are so proud of our kids. We want them to do well. We want their team to be the best. And sometimes we get carried away: We see a call that seems to be unfair, and we scream at the ref. We see the coach call our son or daughter out of the game, and we scream at the coach. We see a teammate make a bonehead play, and we scream at the teammate. We see our own son or daughter miss a play they’ve made hundreds of times in the backyard, and we scream at him or her.
All this screaming doesn’t work. The referee isn’t going to change his call; the coach isn’t about to suddenly see things your way and send your kid back in; the teammate isn’t going to magically turn into an all-star candidate. And your son or daughter is now likely to be more focused on your incessant, embarrassing screaming than on his or her own play.
Youth leagues now have spectator standards, and they’re serious about enforcing them. They’ll even require parents to watch a video and sign a statement promising that they’ll adhere to the league’s standards of spectator behavior. They’re serious: one infraction and the offending parent is placed on probation. A second infraction and they’re banned from attending future events.
Chatter. Whispering. Complaining to each other. Parents do it all the time with other parents on their kids’ youth teams. Frankly, it drives the coaches and the league organizers crazy. The parents band together and then approach the coach. “Strength in numbers,” they think to themselves. If you believe this is a good idea, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to talk to you about.
You’re a parent, you’re in the stands, and you should be supportive not only of your kids, but of the coaches and the program as well. If others start jabbering, try to stop them or at least refuse to be part of their grousing.