When it comes to considerate behavior, most people tend to be a bit more on their toes when they’re socializing—which is a good thing, because the standards are higher in these situations than when you are relaxing in your living room. And as our survey found, women both notice and care about how men behave in their social lives.
When we asked our respondents which male social behaviors bothered them the most, acting in a superior manner—bragging, putting others down, interrupting, dominating, ignoring, criticizing—topped the list. The other chief complaints involved men who behave boorishly—swear, pass gas, drink to excess—and who fail to treat women with the common courtesies like opening a car door, holding a coat, or walking on her correct side.
Fortunately, our respondents also had very good things to say about men who excelled in some of these same areas: When we asked them to name things they liked about male behavior, by far the most frequently cited items were mastery of manners, being caring and affectionate, pitching in, and being appreciative and proud of their significant others despite their possible shortcomings.
THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THING MEN DO: USE GOOD MANNERS
Manners absolutely, positively make the difference in social life.
The key to social success is not to think of “social etiquette” as a series of traps you can stumble into but as a terrific opportunity to do things right, thus pleasing and impressing those you’re with. The most telltale result from the 2011 Post Social Life Survey was that although poor manners was fifth on the list of negative behaviors, good manners were cited most often as behaviors that are appreciated. Women notice and appreciate the chivalrous man more than any other. When respondents were asked to describe what men specifically “do well” in social life, they mentioned things like the following:
- Holding coats, elevators, doors, and chairs for women
- Carrying packages and heavy items
- Being careful to make introductions
- Walking beside a woman rather than ahead of her
- Offering an arm for support and affection
- Saying “please” and “thank you”
- Simply “being polite,” “being a gentleman,” or “being chivalrous”
These gestures are the mark of a man who is aware and respectful of the people around him. Men who got the best grades on manners from their significant others don’t just do one of these things right—they instinctively do all of them right most of the time. It’s the cumulative effect of good manners that creates a lasting positive impression.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Doing It Every Day Makes the Difference
Just holding a door once probably won’t make a difference in how she sees you. Do it consistently over time and she will notice and appreciate you and your thoughtfulness.
THE IDEAL ESCORT: APPRECIATIVE AND ATTENTIVE
Disrespect and inconsideration have a flip side: being appreciative and attentive. According to survey respondents, men who show appreciation and genuine interest on a consistent basis are the cream of the crop. They stand up for the other guy and refuse to engage in deprecating conversations. They defend the honor of their significant other, date, or friend. They remain calm and collected in the face of adversity. They selflessly offer to assist others in need. In essence they follow the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Taking the High Road
- “Show kindness and humility.”
- “Take the high road.”
- “Refuse to engage with other men who are being juvenile.”
- “Refuse to fight or argue.”
- “Show respect to women.”
- “Show respect for different viewpoints and ways of being.”
If you really want to be an appreciative and attentive escort, good communication skills are vital. At least 90 percent of the positive comments about men in this regard involved issues of communication, such as including others in conversation, listening to what others have to say, and complimenting others on their thoughts, appearance, or actions. When it comes to making other people feel appreciated, these facets of human interaction make all the difference in the world.
DRESSING SMART, SMELLING FRESH, LOOKING GOOD
Ever notice a couple out for dinner or at the movies? The woman is dressed nicely—perhaps she’s wearing some tailored pants or neat jeans or a skirt with a sweater or a jacket; and if you got close enough to notice any scent you would probably catch a light whiff of perfume. Then there’s the guy with her—turned out in wrinkled jeans or scruffy pants, a T-shirt (probably with some inane slogan on it) or a work shirt that still carries the evidence of that afternoon’s chores; his hair’s a little unkempt and his scent is one you’d rather not notice. They’ve got to be hitched—because if they weren’t she’d drop him like a hot potato.
In the Post social life surveys, poor appearance ranked number three among things that disturb women about men. Once again, the good news is that you can score big points by addressing this issue head on. According to our respondents, women particularly like it when men do the following:
- Make a little effort to “put on the dog”
- Know how to dress properly for the occasion
- Dress appropriately but not ostentatiously
- Dress up for a special occasion without complaining about it
- Take pride in their appearance without having to be reminded or prodded about it
We are not talking fancy here: We’re talking about voluntarily dressing and grooming yourself in a way that is appropriate for the occasion. Perhaps the most important comment in the above list was the one about men who “take pride in their appearance.” I like this respondent’s philosophy. She understands that when you look in the mirror, you need to appreciate how you look. When you’re able to appreciate your appearance, that’s when others are going to say, “He looks sharp.” And they’ll admire you for it.
Combine good grooming with good manners (which, as I’ve said, is nothing more than treating people with consideration, respect, and honesty) and a willingness to communicate by listening to, focusing on, and complimenting your companion and others—and you have a foolproof recipe for social success.
ACTING IN A SUPERIOR WAY—MEN AT THEIR WORST
When men engage in behaviors like bragging, interrupting, ignoring, or acting condescendingly, the women who are with them view them as inconsiderate oafs. If you act in a superior manner and you’re with a live-in significant other or a spouse, the result is likely to be a very cold shoulder later in the evening or, worse, a bitter fight. If you’re out with a date, there may not be another—and you may find your reputation starting to precede you as well.
Over the past several years I’ve been telling my business etiquette seminar participants that swearing is becoming a bigger and bigger issue in the workplace and companies are starting to institute “no swearing” policies. That trend is equally noticeable in social life. Swearing was the second most mentioned inappropriate behavior right behind acting superior. The message was clear: There’s too much profanity, and it is not appreciated.
“I wish more men would refrain from using bad language around women, children, and also people they don’t know. Not all men use bad language, and I feel that it makes one come off as boorish and less intelligent.”
The Joke’s on You
I am not a joke teller, but I know some guys who are just awesome at telling jokes. In the right company, in the right situation, a good joke is a great addition to a conversation.
Unfortunately, men have a propensity for telling the wrong joke to the wrong audience and causing embarrassment if not downright disgust. Repeatedly respondents complained that joke tellers spoke before they thought. Before you tell a joke, stop and think for a minute: “Will everybody who hears this joke appreciate it?” If there’s even the slightest chance it could be offensive, then silence is golden.