When a man is out on a date (and this is equally true whether you’re with your wife or on a first date), doing the little things with confidence goes a long way toward setting the right mood. When you’re doing all the little things to make your companion feel special, your date can focus completely on having a great time rather than on the things you aren’t doing.
Sometimes I think my eyes have a mind all their own. There I am with my wife, my attention is on her, we’re talking and having a great time. And then it happens. Maybe She walks by, or sits at the next table, or comes around a corner, or steps out of a cab as we’re walking down the street. I must have pretty good peripheral vision because I usually notice Her. I try hard not to let my head snap around, but the distraction gets the better of me. If it is a really impressive distraction, I may even take a quick breath, the kind that makes a little sound. The surveys are abundantly clear on this point: When you’re out on a date or with your significant other, noticing other women is a real mood killer.
Most women recognize that men are going to look at other women. The real key is not to let that stunning woman walking by interfere with your focus on the woman you’re with. What you say and do throughout the evening will let her know she is perfect in your eyes. So say and do those things often.
- “You look great!”
- “Every other guy at the party is going to be jealous of me tonight.”
- Buy her some flowers when it’s not an event.
- Call her up and invite her out on a date with you. Give her specifics: restaurant, play, movie, concert.
- Cook dinner tonight.
- Hold her hand.
REMEMBERING AND CELEBRATING SPECIAL OCCASIONS
Men really are from Mars and women from Venus. More than once I’ve heard my daughters and their girlfriends talk about celebrating their “three-month anniversary.” “Huh? What three months?” I’d think to myself. Of course…that’s how long they’d been dating their most recent boyfriend.
But when it comes to the important special occasions, men are stepping up to the plate even if they don’t realize it. In the 2011 Post Survey approximately 60 percent of the men agreed that they were good about remembering their significant other’s birthday or their anniversary or Valentine’s Day. However, when women were asked if their significant other was good about remembering these special days, approximately 75 percent said they did. Way to go, guys!
Every time we go to the supermarket, my wife buys flowers. We live in Vermont, where it’s pretty monotone all winter. Late fall and early spring—make that mud season—are colorless, too. Putting flowers in a glass vase on the dining room table is her way of fighting the seasons when things don’t grow.
If I bring my wife flowers, I make her day. The problem is, I hardly ever bring her flowers. And hardly ever isn’t nearly enough.
So I finally got smart. For her birthday I realized I had the perfect gift staring me in the face. I went to the local florist shop, which is her favorite place, and gave a standing order that once a month she can come in and pick flowers that are just right for her and for that time of the year. They charge the flowers to my credit card. Twelve times a year she gets her favorite birthday present from me. That’s better than just once.
If you really want to express love and affection, nothing beats roses. They’re great for that special someone in your life. She could be your wife or fiancée, a girlfriend or just a friend. Roses are especially appropriate when you are celebrating an anniversary or an extra-special event. But you don’t need to wait for a major occasion—you can simply make one up.
“These are for you. I realized it’s been one month since our first date.”
Roses for My Bride
When my wife and I got married, I arranged to have a florist deliver a bouquet of six roses to my wife five days before our wedding. Four days before the wedding he delivered five roses. You get the idea. On the morning of the wedding he delivered a single rose. It’s amazing the effect one rose can have. Be creative.
All things being equal, as I approach a door with my wife, I’ll step forward ever so slightly, open the door, and hold it for her to enter before me. If I’m carrying a parcel or if for some reason she is clearly there ahead of me and starts opening the door herself, I don’t make a scene by rushing forward and pushing her aside so I can open the door for her. Instead, I accept the effort she is making and say, “Thank you.” Other times, when she arrives at a door first and starts opening it, if I can I’ll reach behind her and take hold of the edge of the door, discreetly taking over the task of opening it and then holding it for her so she can enter first.
Opening a door when entering and exiting a building is a considerate thing to do. The 2011 Post Survey found that 78 percent of respondents expect that a man should be prepared to open a building door all the time. Yet the same expectation does not hold true for car doors. While 39 percent said men should always get the car door, 56 percent indicated this is an action that needs to be performed only some of the time. That some of the time would be when on a date.
Confusion reigns over this issue because it involves conflicting rules: the rule that a woman should go through a door ahead of her companion versus the rule that a man should enter a revolving door first because the door is heavy. Whenever confusion exists, the solution lies in communication. The real problems arise when you act indecisively. So be prepared to make a quick decision as you’re approaching the door: “This door looks hard to move, so I’ll be the gentleman and offer to go through first” or “Look, the door is already moving, meaning it’ll be easy to push—so I’ll be the gentleman and suggest that she go first.”
Once you’ve made your split-second decision, immediately communicate your intentions to your companion. “Please go ahead.” Or “Here, let me go first and get it moving for you.” Be confident, and act confidently. The situation will resolve itself, and you’ll come through looking good.
This one’s easy.
Do it. And then take both coats to the coat check and get the claim ticket. When you leave, make sure you leave a tip of a dollar per coat in the tip jar.
The convention here is that the man always walks on the outside (the side closest to the street). Most of the time this works very well. Imagine, for example, that you are walking down the street with your date, holding hands, and it comes time to cross to the other side of the street. As you get to the other side, you realize that you’re now on the inside. You can make a smooth move behind her as you step up onto the sidewalk and now you’re still on the correct side.
The one exception to this rule is when you have reason to feel that walking on the inside of your companion is appropriate for safety’s sake. In this case, by all means do it.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
When You’re Waiting…
When you’re waiting to be seated at a restaurant or for the valet to bring your car, take a moment to smile at her. Tell her how great she looks. Take this moment and enjoy it with her.
I’ve always believed that one of the most awkward moments at a dinner table occurs when the woman next to you gets up to go to the bathroom. Do you stand?
The 2011 Post Survey is clear on this point: Women want and expect you to stand up, at least when you are out on the town. So if this is impossible—for example, if you’re in a booth—don’t worry about it. But all things being equal, stand whenever your companion does.
Whenever you arrive at a table for a nonbusiness meal, offer to hold a chair for the woman seated next to you on your right. If the man next to the woman on your left fails to do his job, you can offer to hold her chair as well. You may even get an appreciative smile and a “Thanks.” Likewise, when rising from the table at the end of the meal—provided you can do it without causing a scene—you should help move your dinner companion’s chair away from the table by grasping the back and gently pulling as she starts to push it back in order to stand up. It’s a nice gesture on your part.
The one exception: When you’re at a business function, do not hold a chair for anyone, male or female, unless there is a physical need, or if you think a woman of an older generation would expect it. If you are unsure, ask, “Would you like me to get your chair for you?” Problem solved.
When it comes to paying the bill at a restaurant, it’s simple: The person who does the inviting pays for the meal. This rule works equally well in the business world and in your social life.
If you do the inviting, expect to pay and do so without hesitation. If the woman does the inviting and you’re uncomfortable having her pay for the meal, talk to her about this when she first extends the invitation. You might offer to “go dutch,” for instance. It’s a nice gesture, and if she refuses then you know she was really serious about inviting you and picking up the tab.
If she invites you to an event, on the other hand, that leaves an opening for you to make a counter-invitation of your own, such as: “That would be great. I would love to go with you. May I take you to dinner before the concert?”
Let’s cut straight to the heart of the matter: Forget the word flirting. The underlying issue is your intent. Specifically, I’m talking about whether or not you’ve struck up a conversation with another person with the intent of starting a personal, one-on-one, evolving, and potentially intimate relationship with that person.
If the answer to this is yes, then you’re flirting—and you are immediately subject to flirting etiquette, as follows:
- As long as neither person is married or in a serious relationship, then this kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable as long as it is done in an appropriate setting.
- If this sort of behavior is undertaken by two people, one or both of whom is married or in a serious relationship, then it’s unacceptable.
In the course of my normal social life, I banter, joke, converse, enjoy innuendo, and indulge in fun, engaging, relaxed, and sometimes even racy conversations. By my definition, however, I am not flirting with the women with whom I am talking. Why? Because I have no intention of taking things any further than that particular conversation. In fact—and this is very important—nothing I do or say in these conversations involves anything I’d be embarrassed to tell my wife about later or to have her hear at the time.
When You and Your Partner Disagree
What happens when you assume that your racy conversation with that female aerobics instructor at the health club wine-and-cheese social was perfectly okay but your wife or significant other, watching from across the room, perceives your banter as a blatant come-on? Answer: You’ve got a problem that needs resolving—and quickly.
Simply put, if one person in a serious relationship feels that the other partner’s behavior is straying over the line, that opinion must be respected—and the “flirtatious” partner needs to start revising his or her behavior in a way that you both find acceptable. It’s an issue worth talking about openly with your partner: Remember, strong, trusting relationships are built on honest communication, which entails clearly saying what you both mean and listening carefully to what is really being said by the other person—rather than only hearing what you want to hear.