Dinner out at a friend’s home is a staple in most people’s social lives. It’s a time to relax, enjoy company you know you like, and take part in what is usually a great meal.
How enjoyable the evening is for you and for your hosts is largely dependent on you, and it begins as soon as the invitation is extended.
The RSVP
The message light on our phone was blinking. “Peter, we’d like to invite you guys over for dinner Saturday night. Can you make it?”
So it starts. Now my wife and I have an obligation to fulfill, one that is far too often neglected and is incredibly annoying to hosts: to answer the invitation.
Repeatedly in both business and social forums I hear about inconsiderate invitees who don’t respond. A host can’t begin preparations unless he knows how many people are attending. This is especially true for a larger party or event but matters even if you and your significant other (or date) are the only guests. Unfortunately, when you don’t respond, the only way the hostess can be sure of your answer is to call you. “Peter, I’m following up on the invitation I left on your voice mail last Monday. Do you think you can make it for dinner on Saturday?” Not really pleasant for her and somewhat embarrassing for you. You can avoid the awkward call by answering the invitation right away.
If you don’t know if you can attend, at least call and let the hostess know you got the invitation and when you will get back to her with an answer.
Should You Bring Something?
The time to find out if you can bring anything to contribute to the dinner is at the time of the invitation. “Jane, we’d enjoy coming to dinner. Can we bring anything—a salad or dessert maybe?” Jane may accept your offer or she may simply indicate that your presence is all that’s requested. If she doesn’t ask you to bring anything, it means she’s got the meal planned, so defer to her wishes and don’t make your triple-layer chocolate cake for dessert. It simply creates an awkward situation for Jane, who may now feel she must serve your dessert instead of the one she prepared.
Changing a “No” to “Yes” or Vice Versa
Unless you’re really ill or there’s another serious conflict, don’t change a “Yes” to a “No.” Changing a “No” to a “Yes” is okay but only if it won’t upset hosts’ plans. In that case you’ll need to explain the circumstances and ask if it is still okay for you to come. If not, don’t be offended. Typically, if the party is a buffet or cocktail party, it’ll probably be okay; but a dinner party for six where the host has invited another couple in your place, probably not.
Recently I traveled to Boston to do a seminar. We were invited to a friend’s for dinner back in Vermont. Whether I could make it back in time depended upon when the event ended and on the traffic leaving town. My wife accepted for herself and gave my regrets, explaining the situation. Our hosts graciously kept my invitation open, just asking that I call them on my way home after I’d left the Boston traffic behind. I did just that, and the timing worked so that I could join the party—a memorable meal and a delightful evening. The underlying message here is to let your hosts make the call.
Bringing a Guest
You open the door to greet your guest, Joe. Only it’s not just Joe at the front door, it’s Joe plus his best friend and wife who are visiting him for the weekend.
“Look who arrived unexpectedly. I knew you’d be excited to see them so I asked them to come, too.”
You have two choices. Slam the door in Joe’s face or welcome the two uninvited guests and quickly adjust the seating at your table. I even know of hosts who intentionally cook more food than needed for a party on the assumption that someone will bring an uninvited guest. Nice but not necessary.
If you are magnanimous and let the uninvited guests in, it’s important to contact Joe the next day and let him know the dilemma he put you in. “Joe, I was surprised to see Sally and Jim with you. We really had to scramble to have enough food for everyone. If that happens again, could you please call ahead of time and let me know so we can talk about it. I’d really appreciate it. Is that okay with you?”
Bottom line: Don’t bring uninvited people to a party or event. The most polite way to handle the situation is to let the host know ahead of time that you won’t be able to attend because you have houseguests or can’t find a sitter. The host can then either accept your regret graciously or take it upon himself to extend the invitation to the houseguest(s) or kids.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
When the Invitation for Us Comes to Me
Since I got married, I’ve learned one lesson: Never make plans without checking with my wife first. “Zach, that sounds great, but let me check first and make sure we don’t have other plans. I’ll call you back later.” Now, I’m on the hook. I’ve got to check with my wife and then one of us has to get back to Zach ASAP. Keeping him hanging without an answer is inconsiderate to say the least.
The day of the dinner has arrived and you’ve spent it out in your garden. Sure, they’re good friends and all, but they still deserve the respect that cleaning up and dressing for the occasion demonstrate. A quick shower and shave and a set of fresh clothes, and you’re almost good to go.
If your hosts don’t take you up on your offer to bring something and you still feel you must, I suggest bringing some flowers—which are always welcome and enhance the evening without affecting the menu. Bring them in a container or offer to arrange them yourself so you don’t add one more task on the host’s already full list of things to do.
An alternative to flowers is a bottle of wine. If you bring wine, explain that the wine is for your hosts’ enjoyment anytime they like and you aren’t expecting them to serve it that evening. “Here’s a little something for your cellar.”
Another option that is always appreciated is a box of chocolates.
What Is Fashionably Late?
Socially late is a euphemism that people think excuses lateness. It doesn’t. That said, arriving up to fifteen minutes late probably isn’t going to be a problem. But when you start going over fifteen minutes to half an hour or more, you’ve stepped over the bounds of what is reasonable. If you’re going to be more than fifteen minutes late, call your host and let him know to start without you. Your host should not be delaying his dinner schedule for you because you couldn’t get to the party on time.
Your Smartphone
This one’s simple. Turn your phone to vibrate/silent ring mode or better yet, turn it off. Leave it in your pocket for the duration. If you must answer it, move outside or to a private area where taking the call won’t disturb the other guests. And while at the dinner table leave it out of sight and don’t look at it to read a text or use it to take or make a call. Period.
Top Six Ways to Be a Good Guest
- R.S.V.P. Tell your host whether you can attend, and do so immediately.
- Be on time: Do not arrive early or more than fifteen minutes late.
- Be a willing participant: Partake of whatever the host offers—party games, the mushroom soufflé, chatting with a new acquaintance.
- Offer to help when you can.
- Don’t overindulge: whether it is the pâté or the cabernet.
- Thank the host twice: on your way out the door and with a phone call or a written note the next day.
Be Considerate
When in someone else’s home, take extra care to show respect in the way you treat that person’s home and belongings.
- Wipe your feet when you enter the home.
- Respect house customs, such as when you’re asked to leave your shoes at the door. (The host of a “no shoes” home should provide slippers for guests to use.)
- Use a coaster for your drink.
- Don’t be a snoop.
- Own up to any problem you cause like breaking a glass, spilling wine, or clogging a toilet.
- Smoke outside if you must at all.
- Don’t put your feet up on the furniture, and use couches and chairs for what they are meant to be used: sitting in.
- Offer to help pass hors d’oeuvres, mix drinks, or clear the table.
Leave with the Others
All good things must come to an end. Take notice of when other guests are leaving and head out at around the same time.
As you prepare to leave make sure you find your hosts and thank them for inviting you and for the wonderful evening. Then, the next day, call and express your thanks again and/or write them a note. We have a good friend who writes us every time she comes to dinner. Those notes are a pleasure to receive, and we are sure to invite her back time and again.
Reciprocate
The party’s over; the thank yous have been made. What’s next? It’s your turn. Part of socializing is going to other people’s homes to enjoy an evening together. But there is a social obligation to reciprocate and invite your friends over to your house as well. Chapter 19 takes a look at how to have a date or friends come to your home.