There’s a huge universe of interconnectivity going on out there through social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. Even your smartphone can get you into hot water when you text message personal information. Just remember: Everything online is public and permanent. There is no putting it back once the genie is out of the bottle. If you don’t think so, just check out the news for the latest public figure who’s used social media to convey something private and suddenly had the whole world witness it. Lives and careers have literally been shattered because someone broke the cardinal rule of online communication: Don’t put anything out there that you wouldn’t want the whole world to see.
Unfortunately, it’s your image out there, even if it’s your friends who screw it up. They can post pictures of you that you would prefer don’t get seen. You can ferret those pictures out and at least remove the tags that identify them as you. More proactively, you can contact the person who posted the photo and request they remove it. In addition, please show your friends the same consideration you want them to show you and be careful about tagging photos and posting photos of them.
Friending
Growing your circle of friends is a natural part of socializing in the real world and that translates to a significant part of the online world as well.
You can make a request to be someone’s friend. Just remember, there’s no requirement for them to accept the friend request, much less acknowledge it. Don’t pester someone who hasn’t responded. Let it go.
There will be times when you wish to end an online friendship. When that time comes, it’s okay to unfriend or unfollow the person. Different services handle unfriending in different ways, so check to see how your service handles it. Usually the friend count simply drops by one; no message is sent.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
At least that’s what the song says. Some people have come to the conclusion that breaking up really isn’t that hard to do now that you can hide behind the electronic brick wall and not have to face the person you’re dumping. No way should you ever use an e-mail, a text message, an instant message, or any other electronic message to do your dirty work. It was a personal relationship—end it in person or at least with a personal phone call.
If you break up with someone, should you unfriend them? Maybe yes, maybe no—you may have friends in common. When in doubt, you may even consider discussing the friending situation with your ex before you simply pull the plug on her.
Sexting—For Your Eyes Only. Not.
If ever there was a reason to understand that texting is a public means of communication, sexting is it. And at the worst possible instance, it will go public. Images of you nude or in compromising positions that you send to that special someone “for her eyes only” suddenly get passed around for all your friends and anyone else to see. Once it’s out in cyberworld, you can’t stop it. Just read the headlines.
My wife and I were sitting in our living room with Seth, a good friend who is recently divorced. As we talked his phone chirped. A little later it chirped again. It turned out he had registered with an online dating site, and he was astonished at how he had begun making contact with people. It was our first time having an up-close look at the world of online dating and meeting people. What became immediately clear from Seth’s experience was how the same manners, the same underlying way to approach someone in person, apply in the online world as well: Be considerate, respectful, and honest.
Where the online and the in-person worlds of meeting people seem to differ is that the anonymity of electronic communication provides a more relaxed “getting to know you” phase. In fact that first moment of getting to know you happens safely and anonymously as prospective people peruse your profile.
Here are several tips to use as you check out different online dating sites:
- Use a reputable service; check it out before signing up.
- Don’t give personal information (cell number, personal e-mail, physical address)—only use the e-mail provided by the service.
- Respect privacy—don’t divulge others’ names and screen names.
Your Profile
One tip stands out above all others when creating your profile: Be honest. Small fabrications and embellishments can haunt you when you get to the in-person stage. As sure as the sun rises, you will be caught in the lie, and then what does that say to the person you’ve finally connected with about your trustworthiness? And the implication of one white lie is: What else would you lie about? Hmmmm…
Phase One: First Contact
You’ve read a profile, and you think this person may be someone you’d like to get to know better. The next step is to make contact electronically. The great thing about e-mail is it’s a safe means of communication for both of you. You can use it to check each other out and get to know more about each other’s likes and dislikes, interests, and habits. At this stage just be careful not to write things that could be misinterpreted or turn off the possibility of a relationship before it’s even gotten off the ground.
- If you don’t hear back from someone, try again. After two strikes move on.
- Be selective—you don’t have to respond to everyone who contacts you.
- Be polite when responding—use a greeting and mention something from the person’s profile to show you actually read it!
- The e-mail stage is for asking questions and finding out about each other—so use good e-mail etiquette to make a good impression.
- Don’t gossip about friends or coworkers, or share proprietary information from work.
- Be careful introducing controversial topics: sex, politics, religion, personal finances, obscene jokes. Don’t assume you know the other person’s feelings or beliefs.
- Pace yourself…don’t say it all in one e-mail.
Finally, after e-mails have gone back and forth, you will arrive at a point where you’d like to take the next step: talking on the phone. So in an e-mail ask her: “Would it be okay if I called you or if you prefer, can I send you my phone number?”
Phase Two: Talking on the Phone
So far all you’ve had to go on are the words she’s used e-mailing you. With a phone conversation, you’re upping the ante. Now you and she will experience personality defined not only by words but by quality of voice (see Chapter 8). Be careful to be upbeat and positive when you talk. Before you pick up the phone, put a smile on your face and get focused. Don’t be watching TV, fixing dinner, or doing anything else that might distract you from the call. And when she answers, make those first words you say positive and confident. Let her know right up front that you’re excited about this next step in getting to know each other. “Hi, Samantha, this is Bill. I’ve been so looking forward to talking with you….”
When to Quit the Playing Field
It’s okay to casually “date” or interact with more than one person while you are still playing the field. But once you begin actively dating a person or when the relationship is a go, then you should take down your profile from dating sites.
Phase Three: Meeting in Person
The phone conversations have gone as well as the e-mail communications. You’re sensing that the time is right to take the next step: meeting in person. So you ask her and she says, “Yes.” Now everything is on the line. It’s not just your voice, it’s your actions, your appearance, and your words that all add up to make a good impression. Take care with the following to get that first face-to-face meeting off to a good start:
- Suggest meeting at a public place where other people will be around.
- Keep it simple: Each of you can pay your own way on the first “date.”
- If you do set a date, show up! It’s a commitment that must be honored.
- Be on time.
- Dress appropriately and put effort into your appearance.
- Turn off your cell phone.
- Greet her respectfully—stand up when she approaches, look her in the eye, say your name clearly, and offer to shake her hand. Do it nice and firmly, two or three shakes, and then let go.
- Be a good conversationalist. You’ve learned a lot about her in the e-mails and phone calls, so spend a few minutes before you meet up thinking of some questions you can ask as conversation starters.
- Remember to listen, too. Conversation should be 50/50—50 percent you, 50 percent her.
- When it’s over, let it be over. You’ve both got a lot to think about, considering if you want to see each other again or not.
- FOLLOW UP! No matter how the date went, call or send a thank-you e-mail the next day.
- If you want to take it further, take your time.
“Maybe This Isn’t a Good Idea…”
Following up after that first meeting is very important whether you want to try to take it further or not. If you do, great; be encouraging. But if she’s not right for you, let her know, but do it gently: “It was fun meeting you but I don’t think we have that much in common after all. I wish you the best.”
Remember, even if you want to continue, if she backs off, then respect her wishes and let it go.
The world of gaming has exploded. You can literally compete with and get to know people from around the world. Because of that electronic brick wall, you may be duped into thinking the rules of normal social interaction don’t apply. They do.
- Check the site’s rules and be prepared to follow them or don’t play.
- Winning is easy, losing isn’t. Be a good winner and a good loser.
- Think before you hit the Enter key or start keying. People hear your tone in your words.
- Trash-talking, jeering, and cheering can all be okay as long as they are in line with good sportsmanship.
- Keep appointments, communicate clearly, and treat common facilities with respect and consideration.