Whether you are a guest or a participant, we’re talking about a very special occasion. Ideally, a wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event. That makes this day incredibly important. When you’re the groom, you can multiply that last statement by a thousand. I’ll talk about the groom’s role a little later on. For the moment, however, let’s focus on whenever you’ve been invited to a wedding as a guest. In everything you do—from responding to the invitation, to purchasing a wedding gift, to wearing the right clothes—it’s all about how you act and how your actions either make or break you.
If you’re attending the wedding with a date, your significant other, or your spouse, the stakes are even higher. My totally unscientific personal observation is that women do a transference thing at weddings. It seems like during a wedding every woman—no matter what her relationship situation is—dreams of herself as the bride. And that fact raises the importance of weddings to all-time highs. You need to take this event very seriously and recognize just how important it is to the woman you are with, even if you’d rather be home mowing the grass.
THE GUEST: WHEN YOU ARE INVITED
You can’t miss it when it arrives in the mail—the handwritten address, the special shape of the envelope, the thick, high-quality paper. It’s addressed to you personally.
Mr. John Sullivan
123 Main Street
Riverdale, CA 93656
Can You Bring an Uninvited Guest?
Now John faces an interesting problem: He and Marcia have been dating for about six months. Typically, when a couple is in a serious relationship but still living in two separate locations, each person will receive a wedding invitation. Since Marcia knows the betrothed couple as well, John wonders if maybe she received her own invitation. She hasn’t said anything to him about it, so John calls up and asks her. Nope.
Can John go ahead and ask Marcia to go with him to the wedding?
No. No exceptions.
Here’s why: In planning the wedding, the bride and groom carefully set the number of guests they are inviting. If just one person brought an uninvited guest, it wouldn’t cause a problem. If five or ten or twenty people brought uninvited guests, it could play havoc with the table space, the amounts of food being served, the quantities of beverages being consumed, and ultimately the budget. So no exceptions: If Marcia isn’t invited and John’s invitation is addressed just to him, he shouldn’t bring her and he shouldn’t ask if he can bring her.
On the other hand, there are a couple of scenarios in which Marcia could come along.
1. The bride might specifically invite both of them by including Marcia’s name on the envelope, too. The following example shows how a wedding invitation is addressed to two people who live together but who aren’t married:
Mr. John Sullivan and Ms. Marcia Goodfellow
123 Main Street
Riverdale, CA 93656
2. The bride may have known John is in a serious relationship but wasn’t sure of the woman’s name. In this case she either includes a note with the invitation asking John to bring a plus one or she addresses the inner envelope to:
Mr. John Sullivan and Guest
Now, technically, when the invitation is worded this way, John doesn’t have to bring Marcia. He could bring his good friend Ralph or another woman. In his response he should indicate the name of his guest, so the bridal couple will know her name.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Bringing Your Kids to a Wedding
If your children are not invited to a wedding and you can’t get child care, do not show up with your kids. If you do get stuck, make sure you let the bride know you can’t attend, and express your regrets pleasantly: “I’m so sorry we can’t come, but I simply can’t find anyone to take care of Joey and Sally.”
If the invitation lists your child(ren)’s names on the envelope, or if it says, “Mr. and Mrs. John Sullivan and family,” or if each child receives a separate invitation, then the children are invited and may attend the wedding. If the invitation simply says, “Mr. and Mrs. John Sullivan,” then the kids are not invited. Don’t bring them.
Exactly What Does R.S.V.P. Mean?
At the bottom of the invitation are four letters: R.S.V.P. These letters stand for Répondez s’il vous plaît, which is French for “Respond if you please” or “Send an answer.” This imperative holds whether you’re planning to attend or not.
Usually the invitation includes a preaddressed, stamped return envelope along with a little card with a space for you to write your name and mark “Accepts” or “Regrets.” Use it.
If there is no response card, then write your response on a note card and send it. Wedding responses used to follow a highly formal structure that would send everyone running to Emily Post’s Etiquette to make sure they were doing it the “right” way. In today’s world, however, no matter how you word your response—as long as you aren’t rude about it—your answer will be just fine.
Do I Have to Give a Wedding Gift?
Yes. This is true whether you attend or not.
If you’re wondering what to give the happy couple, Dan and Jan have probably registered at several stores and, most likely, online as well. Phone Jan’s mother, one of the attendants, or someone else close to the couple and ask. They expect these calls, so it’s neither awkward nor embarrassing for you to ask them about this sort of information.
Remember, too, that just because Dan and Jan have registered somewhere, it doesn’t mean you have to give them a gift from their registry list.
Buy a gift prior to the wedding day. Have it delivered to the bride’s home, to her parents’ home, or to the couple’s home if they are already living together.
What Should I Wear?
The three “acceptable” dress choices for male wedding guests all include some form of a tie. At my brother’s wedding in a field behind my parents’ house in Vermont, some men came without a tie and still looked presentable. But from the point of view of what you should do—of what will make you look “sharp,” and signal your respect for the specialness of the occasion—wear a tie. You can always remove your tie if the situation warrants it.
And don’t argue about it before the wedding. Just do it.
Here are the three options:
A TUXEDO. This attire is for the really formal wedding in the evening. If you don’t own a tuxedo and it’s expected, rent one. You wear it with a special shirt with French cuffs and a bow tie. It used to be that only a black bow tie was acceptable, but today men wear a variety of colored and patterned bow ties with matching cummerbunds. (I have a great pink one that always elicits a few “oohs” and “ahs” from the ladies.) If the invitation indicates “Black Tie Optional,” then you have the choice of wearing a suit or a tuxedo.
A DARK SUIT. This is acceptable at any wedding: day or evening, formal, semiformal, or informal. The only time you shouldn’t wear a dark suit is when the invitation specifies Black Tie. Then, if you plan to attend, you really must wear a tuxedo. A dark suit is worn with a conservative (white, blue, pink, yellow, or striped) shirt and a tie.
A BLUE BLAZER OR DARK JACKET AND GRAY FLANNELS OR LIGHT PANTS (SUMMER ONLY). Traditionally, the blazer or jacket was an option only at an informal, daytime wedding. Today, though, you’ll see it worn as an alternative to the dark suit, especially when it’s coupled with a pair of dark gray flannel pants. The only time I would not opt for a blue blazer or jacket would be at a formal daytime or evening wedding.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Wear a Tie
Wear a tie with a jacket or suit. This is a really important occasion for the bride, the groom, their families, and the person you are with. Honor them by wearing a shirt and tie with a jacket or a suit.
The Importance of Being Attentive
Weddings are incredibly special days, when the woman you’re with really wants you to be near her, paying attention to her, making her the most important person in your life—just as the bride is the most honored person in the room on that particular day.
Forget the game on TV. Forget hanging out with the guys. Today, even though it’s not your wedding, make it a special day for both of you by being her prince.
According to the survey, the men who accomplish this are absolute heroes. Here are some of the things, our female respondents tell us, that heroes do at weddings:
- Act as if she is the most fascinating person in the world.
- Show particular sensitivity to children, elderly people, and anyone feeling left out of the circle.
- Talk to the other guests and be interested in what they have to say.
- Have eyes only for her and make her feel like a very important part of his life.
- Whisper sweet things in her ear when other people are around.
- Include her in conversations with others she may not know.
- Make a concerted effort to socialize.
Reread this list and memorize it. If you do these things, you’ll make this day very memorable for your date. And that’s a very good thing for everyone.
ETIQUETTE IMPERATIVE
Dance!!!
When my daughters read the galleys for this book, they were emphatic about dancing. “Put lots of exclamation points after this word,” they implored me. “Tell men how important dancing is to women.” Now they’ve told you.
By the way, this holds for nonweddings, too. Even on your average night out, if there’s dance music playing, dance with your date. It’s a sure bet to make her happy.
When to Leave
Eating fast and then leaving immediately doesn’t cut it at weddings. In fact, “cutting it” is the signal for when it’s okay to leave—after the cutting of the cake, that is.
Thank You
As always, whenever you are a guest, before you leave you must be sure to thank the hosts. Make a point of seeking out the bride and groom (if they haven’t left already) as well as the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents. Thank all of them for including you at this wonderful event.
Then, the next day, sit down and write each of them a thank-you note. Two or three sentences is fine. Technically, this note is optional, but it is an incredibly nice thing to do.
Getting Engaged
There are as many different ways of getting engaged as there are stars in the sky. There’s really only one piece of advice I can give you on this point: It’s a big moment and a big commitment, so be sure of what you’re doing. Beyond that, how you pop the question is up to you. Just remember: The more complex a plan you concoct, the more chance there is for something to go wrong.
My nephew showed real class and imagination. As he and his intended walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, he stopped, went down on bended knee, and proposed to her. Personally, I would have tied some dental floss to the ring and held on to the other end for dear life just in case the ring slipped.
“Should I Ask Her Dad for Permission?”
In the final analysis, individual circumstances will determine whether you should ask permission, either alone or with your intended, or if you should simply announce your plans together. Be respectful of the culture and traditions of your future wife’s family. This will help you decide on the most appropriate course of action.
The Jumbotron
We’ve all seen it. Seventh inning at the ball game and a special message flashes on the Jumbotron: “Sally, will you marry me?” You go down on bended knee, and the camera pulls in for a super close-up of Sally to catch her response for the whole world to see. If she’s expecting it, great. But if it’s a surprise, boy, is she in an awkward spot. I mean, what if her answer is a “no” or “not yet”? Better to ask this important question in private.
Picking Groomsmen
Think family and think close friends. You’ll have to negotiate with your fiancée as to how many attendants you both will have at your wedding. Her brothers and your brothers are candidates, as are your closest friends. One way to honor a brother or friend who doesn’t make the short list is to ask him to be an usher or a reader at the ceremony.
The Bachelor Party
The bachelor party is one of those infamous anachronisms to which more legend has been created than facts can attest to. Having one is entirely optional. It’s usually hosted by the best man, but the groom or the groomsmen together can host if they prefer. Contrary to popular opinion, a bachelor party is not an opportunity for the groom-to-be to sow one final bunch of wild oats before he’s tied down for good. It is an opportunity for the groom and his close friends to spend some quality time together, and perhaps escape the craziness of the final wedding preparations for a few hours.
Be creative when planning this gathering of men. When my nephew got married, as the best man his older brother arranged a bachelor outing consisting of a canoe trip down the Connecticut River along the Vermont/New Hampshire border. He rented canoes and sleeping gear, and laid in an abundance of supplies. They had a great and memorable time.
And that’s what it’s all about.
The Rehearsal Dinner
Tradition has it that the bride’s family paid for the wedding and the groom’s family paid for and hosted the rehearsal dinner—a celebration the night before the wedding. The rehearsal dinner followed the rehearsal of the ceremony, which was planned for the late afternoon on the day before the wedding. Then all the attendants and participants in the ceremony gathered for a meal. Spouses, significant others, and even dates were invited to the dinner, as well as the officiant and his or her spouse. Some people argue that out of town guests are invited as well, but that is not necessary. When I was married, our out-of-town guests were invited to a separate party hosted by good friends of the bride’s parents.
Who Pays for the Wedding?
Who pays for what is no longer strictly along traditional lines. Each couple and their families need to have an open and frank discussion about who is contributing to the wedding and what is a reasonable amount for each. There is no bottom-line dollar requirement for a wedding today.
Today’s Groom’s Responsibilities
Today’s groom often participates to a much greater degree than grooms of the past. Most important, brides and grooms may be the ones paying for their wedding. Because he may have a direct financial stake in the event, the groom often takes a full partner’s role in planning the size and type of wedding. This is a dicey task: He’ll have to balance his bride’s dreams with the reality of the budget.
He should spend time with the bride making selections for gift registries. Since the gifts the couple receives are for both of them, their registry should include items they are both excited about and that fit their lifestyle and their tastes. The only way to accomplish this is if the groom takes an active role in picking items for the gift registry. And remember, registries can include items that previously might have been considered out of bounds: camping equipment, contributions to the honeymoon, or charitable donations in lieu of gifts to the couple.
He shares in the task of writing thank-you notes. In today’s world, the bride and groom are both likely to have full-time jobs. Writing thank-you notes is mandatory, and they should be written within three months of receiving a wedding gift. Helping do it is a great way to say to your intended that you are a team and you share responsibilities.
He attends meetings with caterers and other service providers.
And he helps determine the invitation list.
My mother-in-law-to-be gave me just one task at our wedding: Be at the church on time.
I was.
The Receiving Line
After making sure you’re actually present for the ceremony, your next duty will be to stand in the receiving line if there is one. Frankly, I don’t remember doing this—but my wife assures me I was there and has the photos to prove it. It’s an opportunity for your families’ friends and relatives to wish you well.
Smearing Cake in Your Bride’s Face
Don’t do it.
Tossing the Garter
Brides toss the bouquet to a group of unmarried female guests and attendants. The person who catches it is thought to be the next to get married. Similarly, the groom removes a garter, which is discreetly positioned on the bride’s leg, and then, like the bouquet, tosses the garter to a group of unmarried men with the same supposed result as the bouquet. Just do it tastefully.
Toasts
One of the most terrifying ordeals any man will face is standing up in front of a crowd and giving a toast. Often this high-pressure moment occurs after the toaster is already toasted. Mix a person’s natural nervousness with some alcohol and an unplanned toast, and you have a recipe for disaster. Since you can’t do much about the nervousness, and since I’m not going to tell you to hold off on all Champagne until after the toasts, you’ve got only one recourse: Write down your toast on paper a couple of days ahead of time, and then practice it a few times—out loud. Remember to bring the paper with you.
Here are a few other tips:
- Keep your toast short. Short is very good from everyone’s point of view.
- Always start by thanking everyone for coming. You can even make a special point of thanking the people who came from farthest away.
- Thank her parents. Tell them how happy you are to be part of their family.
- Thank your parents.
- And then honor your bride.
That’s it—your official duties are done. Enjoy the evening with your bride. Go with her to visit with the guests. Then dance the night away, at least until it’s time to leave.
OTHER MANLY ROLES AT A WEDDING
The Best Man
Ideally, the best man is supposed to be the stable, level-headed rock on whom the groom—who is expected to be totally frazzled on the day of his wedding and usually is—can rely on to help him get ready and get to the church on time. (I said “ideally.” I know of some best men who needed more help than the groom.)
Besides arranging the bachelor party (see above), the best man is also responsible for making sure the wedding rings make it to the altar. He should either give the wedding rings to the ring bearer just before the ceremony or bring the rings up to the altar himself, where, at the appropriate time, he hands them to the person performing the ceremony.
Whatever else you do as best man—don’t forget the rings.
Another major best man responsibility is to toast the bride and groom at the reception. The toast should be an expression of good wishes to the happy couple, of thanks to the groom for being such a great friend, and of joy at the fact that the groom has found such a fantastic person to share his life with. Save your wild stories of the past for the occasional “guys’ night.” If you are nervous about making a toast—and many best men are—be especially careful about drinking before you give your toast. Alcohol has caused many a well-planned toast to degenerate into a long-winded embarrassing monologue.
When You’re a Groomsman or an Usher
As one of the groomsmen, you may be invited to a couple of prewedding parties. For the big event itself, you’ll be asked to dress in specific clothes. Often this involves renting a tuxedo. If so, the groom will let you know exactly what you need to rent. In addition to the wedding gift, you’ll also probably be asked to chip in on the groomsmen’s presents, either to the groom or to the couple.
Groomsmen and ushers arrive early for the ceremony and show guests to their seats. One usher may be asked to stand next to the guest register, if there is one, and ask guests to sign it as they arrive.
As an usher or groomsman you’ll be expected to escort female guests to their seats at the wedding ceremony. If a woman is unattended, simply offer her your arm and lead her down the aisle. If she is with a husband or significant other, then you still offer to take her arm and he follows behind you. Ask her if she is a guest of the groom or the bride. The bride’s guests traditionally sit on the right side of the aisle, and the groom’s guests sit on the left. If one or the other side simply has significantly more guests than the other, then it is okay to seat people so both sides fill up evenly.
You may also be asked to perform specific tasks, such as rolling out an aisle runner. If that’s the case, you’ll practice doing so at the rehearsal. Once the guests are seated and the procession is about to start, ushers will take a seat themselves. Groomsmen will assemble with the wedding party and prepare to proceed up the aisle. Following the ceremony, you should pick up leftover programs or belongings, and be generally helpful to guests who need assistance or directions to the reception.
At the reception, make sure you dance with the mothers of the bride and the groom, as well as with the maid of honor and the bridesmaids, and keep an eye out to make sure the bridesmaids are having a great time.
Finally—have a great time yourself!