Now that you’re an expert on situations involving daily life and the social world, prepare to move back to square one—because the work world presents a completely different set of etiquette problems, which are critically important to your welfare and your future. How you handle yourself on the job will have a major impact not only on your own performance, but also on the morale and productivity of your colleagues and the trajectory of your career. When you treat your coworkers with consideration and respect, you are helping your business become a happier and more efficient enterprise. Fail to show consideration, on the other hand, and you become a business liability.
THE THREE MOST ANNOYING ISSUES IN WORK LIFE
The most annoying thing men do at work is treat women as second-class citizens or as sex objects. The second has to do with men who act in a superior way to their colleagues, both male and female. These behaviors can often be traced to the fact that the worker in question simply “doesn’t like” the coworker he is putting down or feels threatened by the coworker. Whatever the reason, these attitudes are a mistake. Whenever you act as if you’re “better than” your colleagues or put other people down, you can’t avoid being rude to them in the process. The third annoying thing is a lack of general manners.
Negative Behavior #1: Male Chauvinist Attitudes Persist
One type of male with a superior attitude stands out above all others: the male chauvinist. His condescending, deprecating attitude toward women generates harsh criticism from women in our surveys and by itself is the most mentioned problem behavior in the workplace. Women are treated as sex objects. They are given menial tasks. They are ignored. They are interrupted. They are stared at. They are treated as less intelligent. The list goes on. Here’s what women say in their own words:
“Most men that I’ve worked with seem to act as though they think they are superior to women in terms of authority and ideas simply because they are male. Most, if not all, regard women as sexual objects and define women’s credibility as a function of their attractiveness.”
“Some men are patronizing and condescending, mostly toward women but sometimes toward those with less experience or more ‘junior’ status. It doesn’t seem to be generational either. Some men in my own age group do this and yet some older ones do not. When it happens to me, it is quite annoying and makes working with that person very difficult.”
“Sexism, especially in a male-dominated computer science field. It isn’t over-the-top blatant sexism but strong surprise from men that a woman is able to help them create software. Also it’s uncomfortable when new male clients assume that every woman must be a secretary or an assistant rather than a college-educated computer programmer.”
“Talking to my boobs; assuming I’m less intelligent than a male counterpart.”
“A male peer of mine introduced me as his ‘right-hand girl’ and that was the extent of his introduction. He never told my name at all. The men on the team were introduced by name.”
“Many workplaces may still be a ‘man’s domain’ but that doesn’t excuse you to treat women like second-class citizens. Whether you’re the CEO or the janitor, you’ll get a dazzling smile if you hold open the door as you walk through or offer any other professional courtesy you’d offer to a man in the workplace. Not asking for more—just the same.”
If you see yourself in any of these comments it’s time to do a careful personal assessment and change your behavior.
Negative Behavior #2: A Superior or Demeaning Attitude
Whether you are putting someone else down or your behavior says, “I think I’m better than you and/or more important than you,” then you are acting in a superior manner.
Sometimes a superior attitude will be overt and very obvious. Other times it may be more subtle, but just as destructive. Again, if you recognize yourself in any of the following behaviors, it’s time for a little soul-searching:
- Are you macho?
- Are you a know-it-all?
- Do you act like you own the place?
- Do you assume that because a person has a “lesser” position, they’re not as smart as you?
- Are you late?
- Do you fail to listen carefully?
- Are you “one of the boys”?
- Do you refuse to do your share?
When you put other people down, you are directly assaulting their sense of themselves by demeaning them, belittling them, and trying to tear down their self-esteem and belief in their own value. It doesn’t matter whether you do these things intentionally or not: If you can see yourself in any of the behaviors I’m about to describe, you need to think long and hard about what that behavior says about you—and about how you can start to change.
- Do you try to dominate others?
- Do you shout and bully?
- Do you use false terms of endearment?
- Do you flirt on the job?
- Do you interrupt colleagues?
- Do you ogle and stare at attractive coworkers?
Negative Behavior #3: Lack of Manners
Be assured that your coworkers will take notice when good manners are lacking. At the Emily Post Institute, we’ve gotten some astonishing stories about people’s poor manners, such as the men (there seem to be a number of them out there) who like to sit at their cubicle desks, take off their shoes and socks, and start clipping their toenails. Or the worker who attended a mandatory seminar and sat in the back of the room reading the newspaper the whole time. Or the sales associate who was riding in an elevator full of people following a sales call, and turned to his supervisor and started talking about the deal they just negotiated. Or even the group of male employees who wanted to know if it was really necessary to leave the toilet seat down in a unisex bathroom.
The interesting thing about manners in the workplace is that often problems center on the little things rather than major faux pas. The trouble is the little things add up. Flash points that got the most complaints in the surveys included the following:
- Sloppy table manners
- Lousy phone and e-mail etiquette
- Not making introductions properly
- Simple failure to say “please” or “thank you”
- Bad hygiene
- Inappropriate clothing
THINGS MEN DO WELL IN WORK LIFE
On the positive side, people have great respect for coworkers and business colleagues who treat them as equals, listen to them, praise them when they deserve it, are polite, and get the job done. If you do these things consistently and sincerely, you’ll find these behaviors will make a real difference in the quality of your business relationships.
These behaviors really come down to treating your business associates with consideration, respect, and honesty. Underlying these most basic ways of treating each other is being thoughtful. Time and again when asked to comment on the impressive things men do at the office, the examples cited were grounded in a thoughtful attitude.
“It’s always great when someone on the tech team brings in coffee for everyone on an early Monday morning. It creates a good atmosphere and general happiness.”
“Compliment a female coworker on her job. Recommend a female coworker for an upcoming job or assignment.”
“Listen to women with whom they work. Give them credit for their ideas and work collaboratively on projects.”
“Admitting fault, accepting responsibility, and not repeating the error; giving direction in a comfortable nondemeaning noncoercive way; receiving direction in an amiable and cooperative way.”
“I enjoy working for a man who does not talk down to me but can treat me as if I have something to add to the business.”
“It has been an honor when I’ve worked for a man who is professionally mature and leads with focus and respect. This leader knows how to motivate his team and often has a humility that is sometimes lacking in those in lower positions.”
Interestingly, manners do matter, even at work. Even in the gender-neutral work world, the little things you do are appreciated: Offer to hold a door, help lift a heavy object, pick up lunch, get a cup of coffee, share a box of tissues, introduce a colleague, and/or include a colleague in watercooler talk.
BUSINESS RUNS ON RELATIONSHIPS
Businesses need people who know how to get along with and bring out the best in other people despite any differences they may have—people who know how to listen and learn, and who are able to put aside their personal likes or dislikes and pull together to produce the finest possible work. In short: Businesses need people who know how to build relationships—not tear them down.
The work world revolves around relationships. Your work skills may get you in the door for a job interview or make a sales pitch. But it’s your people skills—your ability to connect with an interviewer, a prospective buyer, or your boss or coworkers—that will drive your success.
I owned an advertising agency, and whenever I’d hire someone, I’d tell that person right up front that I have three inviolable rules, which if broken will lead to dismissal. Two of these rules have to do with productivity.
Rule number three is the “people rule”: You must be able to get along with the other people in the office. If you can’t, then I’ll be forced to choose between who can stay and who has to go—and you might not like my choice.
This third rule illuminates the key differences between your work life and your nonwork life. In the business world, no matter what your job, you are going to have to accomplish the following:
- Work with people with whom you otherwise might not choose to associate
- Listen and take instruction or guidance from someone with whom you don’t always agree
- Do things in a certain way, even if you don’t always believe this is the best way to do them
Suppose that you work at my advertising agency, and you don’t like a certain coworker very much, or you think the sales rep for one of our suppliers is an idiot, or you cringe every time you have to do work for a particular client. From your perspective, your behavior toward these people is understandable and defensible: Your cold-shoulder, abrupt, and uncommunicative treatment of your fellow employee is your way of saying, “Stay out of my space—I may have to work here but I don’t have to deal with you”; your superior attitude toward the supplier arises from your impatience at his plodding way of reviewing every purchase request; and your readiness to argue over every question, comment, or objection the client makes is your way of emphasizing that your solutions are the “right” ones.
From my perspective, however, your behavior tells a very different story: Your rudeness toward your coworker is resulting in lost productivity for both of you; your superior attitude toward the supplier is causing him not to go the extra mile for our company; and your ongoing arguments with our client are the first step on the road to losing his business.
In the workplace, my perspective on your interactions with these people directly affects your potential success. It’s not just about how you see yourself. Your success depends on how others see you.
The dreaded pink slip causes angst in the workplace both for the unfortunate person laid off and for the person still left with a job.
If you’ve been laid off, take care with your leaving. As tempting as it might be to shoot off a few choice words, it’s better not to burn any bridges. You never know when the person you just castigated will be hiring again or has moved on to another business and suddenly you’re applying to her for a job. Whenever possible, keep potentially valuable connections.
You can let your fellow employees know you’ve gotten a pink slip. Try not to engage them in negative conversation about the company or your boss. It will be difficult for them to split their loyalty between you and their jobs.
If your colleague has been laid off, you can certainly commiserate with him. But don’t engage in trash-talking your boss or the company. No good can come from it, and it may boomerang to hurt you. A better approach would be to offer any help you can. Do you know anybody you might introduce him to in his job search? Can you help him strategize possible alternatives for careers? Can you simply offer friendship and a willingness to stay in touch or spend an evening together as friends?