I checked my e-mail before bed that night. This time, when I didn’t find anything from Pete, I didn’t worry. Whatever happened, I knew he’d be back at Christmas. I climbed into bed and snuggled up with Benny, not knowing why I felt out of sorts. I was kind of restless, with my thoughts jumping around and my heart beating faster than normal. It was a while before I could fall asleep, and even then, I dreamed. Ambie and I were sitting in the cafeteria then suddenly I was running up a hill on the bike path. Snow was on the ground, and I kept slipping backwards, trying to get a foothold. At one point, I think I called out, but I don’t know whose name I yelled. There was a ringing in my ear, and I tried to remember if I had to get up for school. A second ring and I pulled myself out of the fog. Without thinking, I reached over to pick up the phone on the bedside table. As I tried to make myself speak, I heard Dad’s voice.
“What is it, Alice? Tell me what’s wrong.”
My mother. I could tell she’d been crying.
“It’s all wrong, Mark. All wrong. I’ve made such a mess of everything.”
“If anyone is to blame, it’s me,” Dad said in a voice so gentle, my breath caught in my throat. There was silence for a moment, and I started to hang up so they wouldn’t know I was listening.
“I’m sending Leslie home at Christmas—to stay. She’s so unhappy, and I can’t do this any more.”
“Alice . . .”
“It’s the only way. You were right. Leslie and Jennifer should be together.” Mom’s deep sigh filled my ear, “And John and I are moving to Miami. He’s doing good work, Mark, and I can’t be the reason he stops.”
“I wish you could come home too.”
“This is my life now, Mark.”
“I know.”
Another pause. I stared through my open blind at the tree branches moving back and forth in the wind.
“I have to go, Mark. I just needed . . . thanks for being there.” Mom’s voice was so low, I could barely hear.
“You know that will never change.”
“Give Jennifer my love.”
I lowered the receiver then and lay for a long time afterwards, staring at the shadows on the ceiling. As I hung up, I wiped away the tears that had trickled down my cheeks then buried my face in Benny’s tattered fur. After a while, I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. I felt the pain rising in my throat and swallowed the sobs that I would not allow to come. “Mom,” I whispered, and I would have given anything to have her there at that moment.
The pain softened, and I could feel myself lulled by the darkness, and my breathing deepened into that rhythm it gets when you know you’re about to fall asleep. As my thoughts started to drift, I felt an unexpected lightness fill my belly. I tried to hold on. The lightness spread like a pebble dropped into a pool of still water.
Leslie was coming home. For the first time in a long time, the sadness I’d carried for my family felt a little lighter. This was no fairy tale ending, but I’d given up on those a long time ago. Mom’s words tonight had reminded me that we were still a family, no matter how far apart we lived, and I was good with that. I was very good with that. I knew our ties were stronger than time or space or divorce. This wasn’t any happily ever after, but for the Bannon family, it was a start.