‘Most men are unfaithful to their wives or mistresses’… they will play according to the rules of marriage ‘till they discover the unadulterated joys of adultery.’
Shobhaa Dé has had the best of everything any Indian woman could wish for in her life.
Daughter of a commissioner of police, ravishingly beautiful, two rich husbands with a French diplomat sandwiched between them, editor of three journals, author of many books each making the bestseller list at the time of its publication. And now, living in considerable splendour in a large apartment in Mumbai with her second husband and six children – his, hers and theirs.
Shobhaa is not the kind of sour-puss you think would spew venom in a long, bitchy thesis on why all men are bastards. But this is precisely what she did in Surviving Men: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Staying on Top.
It was her first non-fiction book and became a runaway bestseller because its theme, which, like the themes of her novels, was sex – oodles of sex – with obscene, four-letter words strewn liberally across every page. She also made the most outrageous statements on male chauvinism that I have read.
I would have dismissed it as frothy rubbish. I did not, because it was also irritatingly thought-provoking and highly readable.
Let us examine some of Dé’s assertions: ‘Sex appeal lies in the wallet of her beholder,’ she wrote. There may be some truth in that. We have always been told that money makes the mare go. But it appeals equally to men and women. If a fat, rich man is more attractive to a woman than a handsome pauper, so is a matron loaded with diamonds more attractive to men than a pretty Cinderella in tattered rags.
Shobhaa asserted that men should pay more attention to their teeth and oral hygiene – bad breath kills romance. ‘Couples who floss together stay together,’ she wrote. I go along with that. But I am not so sure about the veracity of her statement that ‘men worry excessively about their genitals; women don’t.’ Or that ‘men have a penis fixation’ and ‘scratching their privates is a form of meditation.’
She may be right about men being unsure of their potency in middle age. But so are women, beset with fears of losing their looks after menopause.
Are men more mean than women? Or have less feeling than them? Shobhaa thinks so.
According to her, men have as much feeling as dogs or earthworms. What draws them towards women is their smell – not the perfume they wear but their body odour which is like Chinese sweet-and-sour dishes. What men like about women is not their looks but their availability; the more willing a woman, the more are men drawn to her. She sums up the average woman’s role vis-à-vis men in three brief words: Khana, peena aur dena.
‘Most men are unfaithful to their wives or mistresses.’ She asserts that they will play according to the rules of marriage ‘till they discover the unadulterated joys of adultery.’
How then can women love men? It is easier to love dogs and even plants. Men in love are tiresome.
Another myth she seeks to explore is ‘couples who sleep together, stay together.’ She advises separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and vacations. Men’s attitude towards the nuptial bed is to treat it like a battlefield. They can’t be bothered with foreplay which rouses a woman, but are in a hurry to get on with the act. ‘Even during coitus, they are PPMA (Physically Present, Mentally Absent) and fantasizing about Sridevi or Madhuri Dixit. They can never function with a woman they respect. Consequently, women ‘find sex a bore and a chore.’
Men make bad husbands, fathers and home-keepers. They are especially horny on holidays, and the first thing they do when they get into their room in a holiday resort is to shed their clothes. Shobhaa maintains that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between men and women: ‘The only person ever to believe in platonic friendship was Plato.’ Money, and power, makes men irresistible to women. Rajiv Gandhi, despite his good looks and power, did not pass Dé’s test as he was ‘a softie with a spaniel’s eyes’.
To evoke women’s admiration, a leader has to inspire fear. Gandhi failed to do that and hence lacked sex appeal. Jinnah, because he was stern, aroused women much more. Clinton passed Dé’s test with flying colours as he has good looks and power which he uses to bash up his adversaries.
All men are, of course, mother-fixated. Shobhaa advises women never to take on their mother-in-law: they will always lose the battle. However, she grudgingly concedes that women need men. She advises her sisters to treat them like donkeys, with carrot and stick. All they want is food, booze, and sex – in that order. When he becomes too obstinate, say no and he will come round begging with his tail between his legs. And so on.
That is Shobhaa Dé for you. You can’t do without her. You have to read whatever she writes. Then your hands itch to slap her fat bottom the same way K. P. S. Gill slapped Rupan Deol Bajaj’s posterior.